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Girl Thread - Thought I'd join in on the fun (updated Sept 24)
Underdog
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok so I pulled this quote from the unrequited affections thread.
Now is this the consensus among most people? That if you want a friendship even if she says no, then asking her out earlier on makes the transition easier? Because I was thinking the opposite but admittedly, I have never tried doing as Cryogen says so have no idea as to its success or failure. It DOES make a lot of sense though.
Here is my situation, which is not required reading for the thread as it is really just filled with details. 2 summer ago I worked at a bookstore. Made a lot of friends and met some cool people. Among one of them was a girl named Kat. Now while me and Kat got along well enough, we didn't really have the time or opportunity to get to know each other very well. And then I accidentally let it slip that I was an English major and was forcibly enlisted as her editor since she was going into her first year of univ and was worried. This wasn't much of a problem, we were at the same school anyway.
She was transferred about 2 months after I was hired and so in terms of contact, that was pretty much that. I did help her with her essays throughout the year but because we were both busy, most of it was done via the internet. We did meet up in person once but that was all business. Met, edit, talked about essay, done editing, goodbye! So for the most part, I never really got to know her.
A few weeks ago, she randomly sends me a message on facebook, accusing me of never going to any of the outings arranged by mutual friends that worked in the bookstore and hence I had abandoned her. So we joked around a bit and I saw an opening so I asked when she was free and then plans were made to meet up.
The meet up was very engrossing. Like I said, we didn't really know each other so the first 2 hours were spent catching up, asking how the school year went and even doing a little bit of background sharing on both our parts. Then came 2 intense hours of genuine discussion, which is what I meant when I said engrossing. Both of us enjoyed it immensely. So much so that she made me promise and shake on the idea that we would do this meeting up and talking thing throughout the rest of the year. She specifically said that it would help her get through her 6 hour break on wednesday but that we should also meet up even on the other days. Needless to say, I was really interested in her and this promise was met with much enthusiasm.
Now my plan originally was to wait a bit. If we really were going to be seeing a lot of each other then I'd let the friendship develop some before making any sort of move. But now with Cryogen's sensible advice, I'm no longer sure if waiting is a good idea. This probably isn't a good thing to admit but I don't have much confidence in her interest in me and so the ability to salvage the friendship is paramount in this case. What should I do H/A?
If you are worried about ruining friendships, you're probably waiting too long to make your move. As soon as you find that you think you'd like to date a girl, ask her out sooner rather than later. Its a lot easier to recover from a 'no' at that point and build a normal friendship. If you wait months, build the friendship, THEN ask her out, things can get awkward real fast. This is often because the best way to get over a broken relationship is to cut off contact... which isnt very conducive to keeping a friendship.
Now is this the consensus among most people? That if you want a friendship even if she says no, then asking her out earlier on makes the transition easier? Because I was thinking the opposite but admittedly, I have never tried doing as Cryogen says so have no idea as to its success or failure. It DOES make a lot of sense though.
Here is my situation, which is not required reading for the thread as it is really just filled with details. 2 summer ago I worked at a bookstore. Made a lot of friends and met some cool people. Among one of them was a girl named Kat. Now while me and Kat got along well enough, we didn't really have the time or opportunity to get to know each other very well. And then I accidentally let it slip that I was an English major and was forcibly enlisted as her editor since she was going into her first year of univ and was worried. This wasn't much of a problem, we were at the same school anyway.
She was transferred about 2 months after I was hired and so in terms of contact, that was pretty much that. I did help her with her essays throughout the year but because we were both busy, most of it was done via the internet. We did meet up in person once but that was all business. Met, edit, talked about essay, done editing, goodbye! So for the most part, I never really got to know her.
A few weeks ago, she randomly sends me a message on facebook, accusing me of never going to any of the outings arranged by mutual friends that worked in the bookstore and hence I had abandoned her. So we joked around a bit and I saw an opening so I asked when she was free and then plans were made to meet up.
The meet up was very engrossing. Like I said, we didn't really know each other so the first 2 hours were spent catching up, asking how the school year went and even doing a little bit of background sharing on both our parts. Then came 2 intense hours of genuine discussion, which is what I meant when I said engrossing. Both of us enjoyed it immensely. So much so that she made me promise and shake on the idea that we would do this meeting up and talking thing throughout the rest of the year. She specifically said that it would help her get through her 6 hour break on wednesday but that we should also meet up even on the other days. Needless to say, I was really interested in her and this promise was met with much enthusiasm.
Now my plan originally was to wait a bit. If we really were going to be seeing a lot of each other then I'd let the friendship develop some before making any sort of move. But now with Cryogen's sensible advice, I'm no longer sure if waiting is a good idea. This probably isn't a good thing to admit but I don't have much confidence in her interest in me and so the ability to salvage the friendship is paramount in this case. What should I do H/A?
Underdog on
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Posts
Say, "Hey, would you like to go on a date sometime?"
"Sure, I'd like that."
"Okay, awesome. Do you like sushi? There's this really great place over on blah blah blah."
OR
"No, sorry."
"Oh well. Anyway, so my Russian Lit professor blah blah blah."
The more casually you do it, the better it is. Be explicit that it's a date, get back to your regular conversation if she says no, and don't freak out over the whole thing. She obviously enjoys spending time with you, you obviously enjoy spending time with her, so unless she's utterly psycho, she's not going to be offended by someone she likes talking to asking her out.
Do not attempt unless that friend is secretly your son from the future.
Ah, Back to the Future. Is there anything it can't teach us?
Edit: Beated!
That was sort of the plan but I'm wondering as to the timing. I get the feeling that this forum will be heavy on the "Ask now or asap" rather than "Wait and uh, wait." but I still wanna know. We're actually making plans to hang out for next week so... ask her out then?
Yes.
If things go down hill after that, find another girl.
Hey man, when you have failed every time like I have, you start to get a little neurotic of the details cuz any thing at all to raise your chances seems like it's worth it.
But yeah, ask her out, gotcha.
You may be nervous as hell, but you should not act that way. Approach the question and the girl with grace.
'rooting for the underdog' pun not intended.
You don't get anywhere by being scared of getting turned down, and if you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter, it'll eventually be true. And that can only help you, on two levels:
a) As previously mentioned in this thread, people (especially girls) tend to be attracted to casual confidence. Better results when you do ask someone out.
b) You will be less scared of asking people on dates, and will therefore do it more often, which will give you more chances to succeed--and more success.
Yet another reason to ask a woman out early rather than late. You've met this chick, you know her, you've invested time and emotion into the relationship, you've probably asked your friends about when and how you should ask her out, you've asked thousands of strangers about when and how to ask her out, and when the time comes there's now all this pressure and emotion. No wonder you freak out.
Compare that to meeting a girl, talking to her for 10 minutes, deciding that you'd like to get to know her better, and asking her out. If she says no... so what? You've known her for ten minutes. Continue talking to her, see her around, maybe you could still be friends.
And what in the world is the up side of waiting to ask a girl out? Getting to know each other is the entire purpose of the date. The longer you wait, the more time you give her to find another guy, and there is no better time to meet dating options than while in college. Just by the numbers alone, we can guess that you are one of several guys that has your eye on this girl, so move fast!
Do i really need to say what i think you should do? :P
Theres a whole bunch of reasons to act quickly. On top of what is in my quote, theres always the simplest reason in the world : What if you're cunningly biding your time, setting up your elaborate plans of seduction, and some other dude simply walks up and asks her out first?
Exactly. And, if you're really interested in this girl then you could probably never be "just friends" in the first place, unless A) you meet someone better, or
If she says no, remain friends, move on with your life.
No. Don't remain friends and certainly don't move on with your life. If she says no, do everything in your power to make her regret spurning you. Make a million dollars. Join a band. Overdose on Enzyte. Whatever it takes.
(good luck!)
Perhaps a smarter move might be to gage her susceptibility to your advances before asking her out. You have a +1 bonus because you have already established a relationship. However, women are a separate species then men, and conversation doesn't mean she has a romantic interest in you. You suffer a -2 penalty because you're obviously not so sure of yourself, hence this thread.
Sure, the good news is that hearing "no" is the worst that could happen. However, the bad news is that hearing "no" is the worse thing that could happen. So, yeah, I've been in your shoes and I've done nothing and regreted it. And, I've been in your shoes and did something and regreted it.
Edit: On the positive side, my wife rejected me several hundred times over the course of our initial dating period. I just kept at her, almost stalker style, until I weakened her enough to slip a ring on her finger and kidnap her to the states. See. It doesn't always end bad.
Not meant as a personal attack, but that sounds really creepy. Delibrately not asking out someone but remaining a 'friend' so you can maintain a fantasy that you COULD have gone out with her? Seriously? That has 'bad plan' written all over it.
And waiting to gauge her susceptibility is not a good plan either. Girls usually know pretty quickly whether they would go out with a guy or not. On top of that, they are their own person. You want to go on a date with them? Ask. Let THEM decide if they want to go with you, dont make the decision for them! Theres no sense in waiting around, you're just increasing the chance that she'll get tired of waiting for you to ask, or someone else will ask her first.
I am not saying things will never work out if you wait. It can. Theres just no reason for the OP to wait in this case, that i've seen.
Ask this girl out. It could consist entirely of saying, "I really like hanging out whenever we do, but beyond that, I'd love it if we could go on a date."
or
"I like that we get to see each other, but I still want to see you more. How do you feel about going on a date Thursday night?"
or
"I know we're supposed to see each other on Wednesday, but I wouldn't mind seeing you at the movies on Tuesday, too."
or
some other horse shit like that. Ask her out. Period. Don't pussy foot. Do it now. The response I just quoted was horrific advice. Figure out a script you're comfortable with, and say it to the girl. DO NOT pussy foot.
I mean, motherfucker said, "+1 Bonus / -2 penalty" about something or other which ANNOUNCES him as a hopeless nerd. Ask her out. Do it now. Period. Worst case scenario is she says no and you move on.
Imagine being single as war. Unless you're China with your human wave and awesome opening ceremony, simply bum-rushing a girl and asking her out is a recipe for defeat. Finding a girl you are interested in AND getting her to date you takes strategy and guile, not some "ask her out and move on" mentality. That strategy only works when you don't have a particular girl you're interested in.
I gotta say, dude... you have to pussyfoot if you really like this girl. Unless, of course, you have a plan post-rejection (were she to reject you).
It's asking a girl out. She either says yes or no. This is MUCH easier the earlier you do it in a relationship. The advice you're giving is ATROCIOUS. I'm glad you're married, but what you're saying is fucking hemlock to the dating game.
I completely and utterly disagree with you. On every single point. Theres literally nothing in your post i agree with.
I can see we'll have to agree to disagree though, since this isnt D&D and it is likely to take us both a few lengthy posts to get anywhere.
Skip the guile and ask her out. Nothing creepier than someone being friends just to get in your pants.
I was friends with a girl for nearly two years, we got on stupendously, but for whatever reason neither of us ever felt like moving past that. Then a few months ago, something changed and we both sort of "woke up" to each other. I didn't waste any time telling her how I felt, and while there's various reasons we're not together right now, we're better off having put it out there and knowing exactly where we stand so that the friendship as it stands is still healthy and uplifting.
Do that.
1.) Set yourself a deadline. If you haven't asked her out by this time, sod it.
2.) ???
3.) Girlfriend.
I say ???? because I still failed to find the words and so just kissed her instead. This is not a good idea, but it did work for me. My thinking was that at least she'd have time to pull back if it was not what she wanted, and thus accomplish the same goal.
Though it did work, I was later informed that the first kiss was kinda terrible, and whilst I may have felt like I was slowly pushing in for the kiss in my head, this was not in fact the reality.
After an extended attempt to meet up with her, we finally managed to co-ordinate schedules and put aside an hour to hang out and catch up. Long story short, I showed up, we talked, she ate her veggie burger and we devoured the fries together, she lit a cig and I used the lull to pose my question and... success! I got a Yes, although both of us acknowledged that the actual date might take a bit of planning and possibly could take a few weeks to figure out owing to busy schedules on both our parts.
This bottom part is for people who would like to see a chronic worrier in action.
Maybe I'm an idiot and maybe I just need to have a whole bunch of strangers tell me so but I've got it in my head that her 'yes' wasn't very solid. Here's how it went.
Me - Oh hey, I've been meaning to ask you something for a while. Would you like to go out on a date some time?
Her - A date? *pause* Yeah, sure.
And then I expressed surprise at her 'yes' (yes, I know, stupid thing to do, live and learn, won't do it again...) and she said some to the effect of "Well, this is sort of a date right?" I just kinda went "Yeah, I guess." and then we confirmed again that we'd need to match schedules to see when would be a good day. Then we went about the rest of the conversation without really bringing it up again. Just idle chit chat since I was still in a state of surprise and the brain wasn't working well enough for solid conversation. Plus, time constraints. Ok yeah maybe I'm being defensive here...
So... I'm not really sure what to make of it. I've got this irritating idea that she agreed either to go on a date because she didn't want to reject me outright or that it's more of a "Well, got nothing else really planned so why not." kinda deal. Am I being stupid? I feel like this is stupid but I can't shake it.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? SHE SAID YES, I SHOULD BE HAPPY!
You are being stupid, she said yes, roll with that. Women dig dudes with confidence or a lot of money, since you seem to lack the bills get the confidence rolling. Hell you're off to a good start she said yes, go Rico, be Suave.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Have fun on your date and try to relax!
It's not a big deal, just take it from here. Stop acting surprised when she tells you she wants to hang out with you, because it's generally a really bad sign. Happy is fine, shocked is bad.
This so very much this, no one wants to date a self doubter. Hell don't do that self depreciation crap either, because it's funny at first (and even then its stretching it) but usually is just someone with extremely low self esteem.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Ok so...
Acting shocked that she said yes was definitely not the smoothest way to handle that situation, but you acknowledged that. She said yes. She didn't say no, stop acting like you twisted her arm into doing it, you didn't. Buck up and have a good time on your date. Just be loose and most of all BE YOURSELF. If she sees a change in you after the relationship changed direction that can be enough to put someone off. She said yes because she wanted to go on a date with you.
Knock Her Up!
Knock Her Up!
Just kidding, don't do that.
You think to much. Turn everything you're thinking about that is currently at the 9 switch and put it down to 4...out of 10.
Edit: Oh yeah and thanks for the help!