Emotional Investment: Girls and Dating

Dalboz

Quick background here. I met a girl through a dating site a couple of days ago. She's actually really great and I really, really enjoyed the time I spent with her, which was pretty much talking and walking around for two hours. I promised to give a her a call soon, which she seemed to agree with, and which I will call her this evening to see if she wants to go out again, maybe step things up and go to dinner. I actually felt very relaxed and the conversation just flowed, and even talking for two hours, I feel like we only scratched the surface of getting to know each other, which is good because we get keep learning more about each other. She actually told me before we parted that I was one of the most normal guys she's met from online and wasn't weird at all, which I suppose is a good thing.

Here's my problem, which I've realized has been a problem for a while: I tend to get overly emotionally invested in girls I date very quickly. It's not something I tend to show. I check myself when I'm actually with them. But when I'm alone in bed at night, everything comes flooding out. Rather than feeling joy or happiness at meeting someone, I tend to start feeling depressed. I start imagining things not going well, of her eventually rejecting me, the disappointment of imagined rejection. Now I've been rejected before for real, so I'm not a stranger to it. In fact, most of the time something hasn't worked out, it's been the girl who broke things off. And I know that I'm essentially filling in the blanks with the worst, the imagined future which hasn't come to pass yet. While that seems to be an issue in and of itself, I think one of the big issues that feeds it is that I get emotionally invested too early.

So there's a delicate balancing act. The thing is, I can't get so invested early. While I tend to keep it personal, it feels damaging to my psyche. It more just "tears me up inside." I tend not to show this investment to the girl I'm with because I know it's wrong so early and I don't want to freak her out or have her think that I'm clingy. At the same time, I shouldn't be too distant either because then they'll think I'm not interested. I've been dealing with this really for as long as I can remember since I started dating, and I think it may be a reason that I just don't date much. A friend theorized that I tend to not date because I may be afraid actually meeting someone have deal with these emotions and the investment of them. So how do I balance this? How can I keep a certain level of investment without it tearing me apart so quickly? How can I uninvest to a certain point and not become so detached that I don't feel anything and the girl I'm with winds up thinks I'm distant and not interested? I need help on how to deal with this balance, which I think has been a huge block in my search for a meaningful relationship.

TL;DR: I become emotionally invested in girls I date too quickly and get depressed when there's nothing to get depressed about. Need to balance between said emotional investment and being too distant.

Sevorak

Hmm, wow. That's exactly how I am. I tend to fall for girls really early into dating them, or a lot of the time even before, and I start imagining worst (or, more recently, best) possible scenario type cases. I used to be worse, but I've mostly stopped the worrying myself to sleep thing over the past year. Anyway, enough about my situation, since soon I'll start rambling and end up inadvertently hijacking your thread

I think it's relatively common in guys that are inexperienced with dating, since I've seen it in a few other guys my age (college or just after college) who haven't had much luck on the dating front, and it sounds like you're in the same situation since you say you don't date much. I think the long term solution would be to keep trying the dating thing, even if you're wary of it, so I think you're on the right track. It's okay to let yourself become emotionally invested in a girl, you just have to be aware that she might (probably?) won't become emotionally invested so quickly, and it will hurt for a little bit if things don't work out. But that just means she wasn't right for you and you can keep looking for one that is. Eventually, the process will get easier and, while you might still become emotionally invested, it will be easier to handle when things don't work out.

In the meantime, find someone to talk to when you feel like you're worrying and depressed about nothing. Either a therapist or a friend or family member who you feel comfortable talking to. You'd be surprised how much just talking to someone else about something that's on your mind can help.

Anyway, I think I'm just as screwed up as you when it comes to this issue, so this might be a case of the blind leading the blind, but it's what I've been trying to do and I'm a bit better than I was a year or so ago.

Septus

I do the same thing, but seeing as how I have very little experience and have yet to be in a genuine relationship, I figure that's the major factor to blame. I think my solution will be to just keep going at it and get more experience and I will grow out of it, and I bet that will work for you. Whatever you do, don't let it stop you from dating though. Better to date and be hurt than never date at all and never get past this stage.

Djeet

When you're ruminating about all these conversations, conflicts, problems with the girl (ruminating because it's all happening in your head and isn't real to her), right then you're obsessing. Stop it. When you start to obsess over her, redirect; go on a walk/ride, play a video game, read a book, research something obscure, watch a movie, talk to a buddy, get into an argument with someone in a forum, do anything but simulate a relationship in your head with the girl you're seeing (cause that's what you're doing, cause she doesn't know about all this angsty shit you're putting yourself through).

And when you say "I shouldn't be too distant either because then they'll think I'm not interested," has this ever been a problem for you? Because if it hasn't I'd say don't worry about it; if you're being distant, she ought to bring it up to you. Of course you shouldn't be intentionally distant, but just do your thing, your "normal" level of attentiveness may be exactly what she likes.

There's no secret recipe for interest -> dating success. Just be with her when you're together, and do your own thing (without obsessing over her) when you're not with her. Save all your "relationship-having" for the time you're actually spending with her.

Just my 2 cents, feel free to discard if you don't think it applies. Obsess may not be the best word, sorry if it sounds harsh; just trying to give some practical advice. I don't have a better word, how about "think about too much?"