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The fight's over, now what?
Richard_Dastardly
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, last night I picked up a bottle of cheap American whiskey and my wife and I had a few+ drinks. We talked and had a good time, and after a couple of hours I said I was going to my office for a little bit and then I was off to bed. I ended up on the computer a little longer than I had intended, and when she came upstairs to go to bed I was still in my little office. I can understand, in some minor way, why she would be upset. However, she completely exploded and threw my keyboard and mouse on the floor, slammed the door several times, threw two cast-iron tools at me as well as some ceramic thing that broke. She became violent and even scratched my face pretty deeply. I've never hit anyone in anger, but I almost hit her. That was last night, and we've hardly talked since. I refuse to say anything until she apologizes, and I'm not exactly sure why she's not talking to me. We had a silent dinner, and that was about it. That's the story, now here are some facts:
1) She has anger issues. I knew that before we were married, but she was hot and so I overlooked them. This anger was pretty visible when she first came to the states, with the whole adjustment to the new culture, exodus from the friends and family, and new school. Once she became comfortable, she calmed down a lot. Now we bought a house and we moved in last week, which might have had a part in triggering last night's episode.
2) I can be insensitive. And selfish. And I don't pick up on feminin body language or subtle hints.
I'm not sure what to do. It's obvious that we're at an impasse. I won't talk to her until she apologizes. She won't apologize. Any advice?
1) She has anger issues. I knew that before we were married, but she was hot and so I overlooked them. This anger was pretty visible when she first came to the states, with the whole adjustment to the new culture, exodus from the friends and family, and new school. Once she became comfortable, she calmed down a lot. Now we bought a house and we moved in last week, which might have had a part in triggering last night's episode.
2) I can be insensitive. And selfish. And I don't pick up on feminin body language or subtle hints.
I'm not sure what to do. It's obvious that we're at an impasse. I won't talk to her until she apologizes. She won't apologize. Any advice?
Richard_Dastardly on
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The whole idea of not talking to her is really not helpful.
That's not to say you have to validate her actions.
My personal anecdote is thus: my mother used to throw crazy tantrums yelling and screaming at basically anyone who was around. For a long time I would ignore her, avoid her, or in some instances goad her on further. All horrible tactics, that fueld her anger.
Eventually when she was doing the usual thing, I very calmly said " I understand you are upset, and we can talk about this, however it is not acceptable for you to treat me this way." I didn't answer any of her usual ambush questions, and held to the " I deserve respect" line. In the short term she stormed off, and I moved out. However a few months later she thanked me, and apologized.
The main point is do not invalidate her feelings. Don't blow it off with some excuse. This does not mean you accept her actions.
No one deserves to be treated like that. You deserve respect as a human being, and as a partner.
I repeat again though that just because her actions are unacceptable that does not mean you can ignore her feelings.
Be the bigger man and all that. Extend the olive branch and start a conversation.
Oh also, don't apologize if you don't know what you are apologizing for. It never works.
I dont know if your wife is the same, but my ex-fiancee became pretty violent sometimes. And if i left discussing it for a while, she'd remember events to be totally different than they really were, and discussing it became a lost cause. In my case she never directly harmed me, but she certainly broke things, and did her fair share of verbal abuse. I ended up leaving her because nobody, male or female, should have to live with that sort of thing. I tried many times but she could not (or would not) change her behaviour. I suggest you make it very clear that this sort of violence is NEVER an acceptable way to communicate.
Like i said, i know from personal experience what you're going through, so i really do wish you all the best with this.
Abused women say the same things as you are. "I shouldn't have bothered him." "Sometimes he just needs to blow off steam." "He's under a lot of stress and I'm being selfish."
I don't want to get all Dr. Phil or anything, but if you're concerned about violence (hers, or you being provoked into it) it's ok to seek help. There are lots of resources for abused spouses that will provide counseling free of charge.
First and foremost, if she's prone to issues with anger, she should not be drinking to excess, period. That said, you need to calmly address what happened, not placing blame, not pointing fingers at her, I would start it with "I need to understand what happened last night and why." You need to diplomatically get those answers out of her and listen carefully to them; you need to be ready to accept some blame (and based on your earlier post it sounds like you are) but ultimately the goal of your discussion is to ensure such things don't happen again.
It's a marriage, shit goes down sometimes, especially when alcohol is involved, so as an isolated incident, it's really not that big a deal, sometimes people reach an exasperation point and blow up. I think, though, if this is part of a pattern and it's not something that she's willing to acknowledge and address, that couples therapy and possibly medication is your next move.
When she started getting violent, it was like she lost total control of herself. It was almost like a toddler throwing a tantrum. She had done it before about three years ago, when we were living in my mom's basement. It's not really hitting. She more or less just lashes out. I don't know if I'd call this an abusive relationship, but I do admit that I can be a bit of an apologist for the girl I love.
So, we seem ok now. She eventually apologized. I just think it'll take a day or two for things to get normal again.
Again, thanks for the advice all. It really pushed me to do the right thing.
*edit* She had been taking some crazy pills her doctor prescribed her. Perhaps I'll suggest she start them again...
Good idea. I don't mean for that to sound dickish; but if she has some chemical imbalance which the pills help to control, then it would be a worthwhile venture for her and you.
If you want something, fucking say it.
:^: If only everyone thought like that.
I'm going to go ahead and say that maybe you two shouldn't drink for a while. It's cool that everything's okay now, more or less, but especially if you're going to be keeping an eye on behaviors for the purposes of medication prescription, she'll want to make sure to stay sober. It's a pretty terrible habit to be in anyway if she's going to go the medication route. Alcohol can dick with that stuff but good.
Maybe also give the abuse thing a little more thought. I'm not saying she is and break up with her nowz, but it's a pretty terrible pattern to find yourself caught in, and seeing it coming is worth more than gold. So just.. keep an eye out.
Alcohol is a depressant and could have been a catalyst to this.
You could try saying something along the lines: "Now, I know you didn't have an emotional outburst over me simply going to the office and getting a bit of work done. We're going to sit down and you're going to tell me what I can do to make this right"
No, but you should suggest she speak to her doctor, explain the incident (and any other related behavior) and see what the doctor says. Based on what you said it sounds like she decided to stop taking the medicine, which is never a good thing. Suddenly restarting it could exacerbate the situation.
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