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The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards (SFW)

124

Posts

  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    This isn't the 80's? DAMNATION!

    Raijin Quickfoot on
  • DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    This isn't the 80's? DAMNATION!

    a time of barbarism

    Dynagrip on
  • Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    This isn't the 80's? DAMNATION!

    a time of barbarism

    I just want to be clear on this. We CAN'T beat women now?

    Raijin Quickfoot on
  • SephSeph Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    This isn't the 80's? DAMNATION!

    a time of barbarism

    I just want to be clear on this. We CAN'T beat women now?

    no, not right now. we'll have to beat them later

    Seph on
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  • The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    Micro wrote: »
    Coren also wrote this a couple of weekends back to the sub-editors at the paper, it got leaked. He is simply marvellous:
    Chaps,

    I am mightily pissed off. I have addressed this to Owen, Amanda and Ben because I don't know who i am supposed to be pissed off with (i'm assuming owen, but i filed to amanda and ben so it's only fair), and also to Tony, who wasn't here - if he had been I'm guessing it wouldn't have happened.

    I don't really like people tinkering with my copy for the sake of tinkering. I do not enjoy the suggestion that you have a better ear or eye for how I want my words to read than I do. Owen, we discussed your turning three of my long sentences into six short ones in a single piece, and how that wasn't going to happen anymore, so I'm really hoping it wasn't you that fucked up my review on saturday.

    It was the final sentence. Final sentences are very, very important. A piece builds to them, they are the little jingle that the reader takes with him into the weekend.

    I wrote: "I can't think of a nicer place to sit this spring over a glass of rosé and watch the boys and girls in the street outside smiling gaily to each other, and wondering where to go for a nosh."
    it appeared as: "I can't think of a nicer place to sit this spring over a glass of rosé and watch the boys and girls in the street outside smiling gaily to each other, and wondering where to go for nosh."

    There is no length issue. This is someone thinking "I'll just remove this indefinite article because Coren is an illiterate pcunt and i know best".

    Well, you fucking don't.

    This was shit, shit sub-editing for three reasons.

    1) 'Nosh', as I'm sure you fluent Yiddish speakers know, is a noun formed from a bastardisation of the German 'naschen'. It is a verb, and can be construed into two distinct nouns. One, 'nosh', means simply 'food'. You have decided that this is what i meant and removed the 'a'. I am insulted enough that you think you have a better ear for English than me. But a better ear for Yiddish? I doubt it. Because the other noun, 'nosh' means "a session of eating" - in this sense you might think of its dual valency as being similar to that of 'scoff'. you can go for a scoff. or you can buy some scoff. the sentence you left me with is shit, and is not what i meant. Why would you change a sentnece aso that it meant something i didn't mean? I don't know, but you risk doing it every time you change something. And the way you avoid this kind of fuck up is by not changing a word of my copy without asking me, okay? it's easy. Not. A. Word. Ever.

    2) I will now explain why your error is even more shit than it looks. You see, i was making a joke. I do that sometimes. I have set up the street as "sexually-charged". I have described the shenanigans across the road at G.A.Y.. I have used the word 'gaily' as a gentle nudge. And "looking for a nosh" has a secondary meaning of looking for a blowjob. Not specifically gay, for this is soho, and there are plenty of girls there who take money for noshing boys. "looking for nosh" does not have that ambiguity. the joke is gone. I only wrote that sodding paragraph to make that joke. And you've fucking stripped it out like a pissed Irish plasterer restoring a renaissance fresco and thinking jesus looks shit with a bear so plastering over it. You might as well have removed the whole paragraph. I mean, fucking christ, don't you read the copy?

    3) And worst of all. Dumbest, deafest, shittest of all, you have removed the unstressed 'a' so that the stress that should have fallen on "nosh" is lost, and my piece ends on an unstressed syllable. When you're winding up a piece of prose, metre is crucial. Can't you hear? Can't you hear that it is wrong? It's not fucking rocket science. It's fucking pre-GCSE scansion. I have written 350 restaurant reviews for The Times and i have never ended on an unstressed syllable. Wankers. Fucking, fucking, cunts.

    I am sorry if this looks petty (last time i mailed a Times sub about the change of a single word i got in all sorts of trouble) but i care deeply about my work and i hate to have it fucked up by shit subbing.

    I want to murder this ponce

    To be fair, editors are assholes and deserve all the shit they get when they fuck around with a writers work. I've known some right pricks who honestly thought they were doing me a favour by rewriting everything then getting fired 6 months later for being ungodly shit at even that.

    The_Scarab on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The sex scene between Hagrid, Hermione and Cho Chang in the 8th Harry Potter book is pretty great.

    Graves on
  • Spectre-xSpectre-x Rating: AWESOME YESRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Spectre, what the fuck are you even talking about?

    EVERYTHING AND NOTHING, MAN

    EVERYTHING AND NOTHING

    YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT

    Spectre-x on
  • StoverStover Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Spectre-x wrote: »
    Spectre, what the fuck are you even talking about?

    EVERYTHING AND NOTHING, MAN

    EVERYTHING AND NOTHING

    YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT

    *sci-fi sex scene*

    Stover on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    There was the hot scene in a portrait of dorian gray where he masturbates to his own portrait

    meta incest

    Fandyien on
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  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot OMG WRIGGLY T O X O P L A S M O S I SRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I stole one of Judy Blume's novels from my mom's bookshelf, but this one had sex in it and I was shocked to find the word 'cunt' in it.

    You won't find that in Superfudge!

    Dread Pirate Arbuthnot on
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    There was the hot scene in a portrait of dorian gray where he masturbates to his own portrait

    meta incest

    Psh. Like you've never fired one off to a picture of yourself. Like that picture from your senior photos where you've got your letterman jacket over the back of the chair with your young, strong arms folded on it.

    So coy.

    So I'll, uh...I'll be right back.

    Jedoc on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't say that little fuzzy hint of a moustache didn't rev my engine

    Is it incest or just extreme narcisissm to masturbate to yourself

    Fandyien on
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  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I mean, I'd be lying if I didn't say that little fuzzy hint of a moustache didn't rev my engine

    Is it incest or just extreme narcisissm to masturbate to yourself

    Kaltropophilia is mirrors I believe

    Straightzi on
  • Penguin IncarnatePenguin Incarnate King of Kafiristan Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Black Werewolf Utopia - Bisexual wolfman finds his happy place.
    How I love thee, Literotica.

    Penguin Incarnate on
  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    in that new darth vader book he has sex with a wookie

    Skull Man on
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    He did it all for the wookiee.

    Jedoc on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So does he just whip it out of his suit, or what?

    Does he have a special, plastic, coal-black condom?

    Fandyien on
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  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    he does it with the saber

    unlit, of course

    Skull Man on
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Druhim wrote: »
    Is that the "O'Reilly Factor" war-mongering homophobe Bill O'Reilly?

    That would be hilarious...
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Those_Who_Trespass



    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_I_Did_It

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    why are you linking to the article on a book everyone's heard about?

    Druhim on
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  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The only difference between the two is that O.J. actually did what he wrote, whereas Bill just wanks over it.

    Just sayin', some similarities between the two mindsets.

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    again, why are you linking the article on a book everyone has heard of?

    Druhim on
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  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    how is pax going dru

    has anyone had sex

    Skull Man on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I would say SM, but I had to sign a NDA

    Druhim on
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  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    IC

    OK

    Skull Man on
  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I find it interesting that these C-grade celebrities have come to the conclusion that it was a good idea to publicise their murder fantasies, irrespective of whether they actually carried them out or not. Why the hell would anyone ever think that was a good idea?

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
  • IvarIvar Oslo, NorwayRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I find it interesting that these C-grade celebrities have come to the conclusion that it was a good idea to publicise their murder fantasies, irrespective of whether they actually carried them out or not. Why the hell would anyone ever think that was a good idea?

    cash monies

    Ivar on
  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I'm pretty sure that if you end up being a person like Bill O'Reilly, good decision-making is not your strongest skill.

    Jedoc on
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  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Valid point.

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Murakami Haruki writes awful women characters, but his sex scenes are pretty great.

    scarlet st. on
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  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I agree

    And isn't it Haruki Murakami?

    Fandyien on
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  • ZyrelaxZyrelax Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The sex scenes in Laura Joh Rowland's Sano Ichiro series. They aren't necessarily bad, it's just difficult to believe that everyone in Edo period Japan is obsessed with kinky sex. Well, maybe slightly believeable, but even the rarely introduced "foreigner" characters have BDSM fetishes.

    Zyrelax on
  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    man what
    the more uptight a society is, the kinkier the people's sex life usually is.

    autono-wally, erotibot300 on
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  • ZyrelaxZyrelax Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Granted, but every single character with more than a few paragraphs of development has a kink, and generally (excepting her protagonists) its S&M related.

    Edit: I should say very often it's S&M related.

    Zyrelax on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I agree

    And isn't it Haruki Murakami?

    I guess, yeah. They do last names first over there though so I get 'em mixed up now and then when I'm talking about people.
    Like Hikaru Utada or Utada Hikaru or something. I think her last name is Utada, right? I don't even know anymore because of their goddamn last-name-first thing.

    scarlet st. on
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  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    JAPANESE NAME CONVENTIONS HARGLE BARGLE BLAH BLAH BLAH

    Oh, Hi there, Sam; didn't see you there. How's tricks?

    Darth Waiter on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    JAPANESE NAME CONVENTIONS HARGLE BARGLE BLAH BLAH BLAH

    Oh, Hi there, Sam; didn't see you there. How's tricks?

    Whoa, blast from the past. What it be, dude?
    I'm hangin' out on my deck, bored because I don't have a job and school hasn't started. I wish I were doing something to make money or at least, I dunno, improve myself intellectually.

    scarlet st. on
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  • JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    So I'm watching Mary Reilly, and oh my god Julia Roberts is doing the worst Irish accent I've ever heard. If it weren't for the fact that John Malkovich is the coolest Dr. Jekyll ever, I'd have given up five minutes in.

    Jedoc on
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  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Whoa, blast from the past. What it be, dude?
    I'm hangin' out on my deck, bored because I don't have a job and school hasn't started. I wish I were doing something to make money or at least, I dunno, improve myself intellectually.

    Intellectual bankruptcy must be avoided at all costs; quickly, young one, find some string theory and bat it around with your cat!

    Yeah, I'm in between jobs myself and it blows ass; on the plus side, I do have scads of time to play with myself. And by "play with myself" I mean jerking off and playing video games.

    It's a great two-for-one combo.

    Darth Waiter on
  • ZyrelaxZyrelax Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Jedoc wrote: »
    So I'm watching Mary Reilly, and oh my god Julia Roberts is doing the worst Irish accent I've ever heard. If it weren't for the fact that John Malkovich is the coolest Dr. Jekyll ever, I'd have given up five minutes in.

    You think that's bad, watch her in Michael Collins next.

    Zyrelax on
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