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Terrible Sex

2456764

Posts

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

    what if the dude was talking like macho man randy savage?

    or hulk hogan?


    LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BROTHER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AT SUMMER-SLAM AND HULKAMANIA'S GONNA BE RUNNIN' WILD ON YOUR PUSSY OH YEEEEAAAAAH.

    Metzger Meister on
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

    oh jesus the fucking dragon and when all the scourge get the frostmourne bluey glow coming out of their mouths
    oh god oh god oh god.

    yes yes yes

    if I ever get to play a game that looks as good as that cinematic I will be able to die happier than any man

    Urian on
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Nah, it's years and years ago. Even I can laugh about what happened after, me running down the street in the middle of the night, pants down my ankles, ablooablooablooing.

    Synthetic Orange on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    beavotron on
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay

    Yet another dream crushed. Well done fags. 8-)

    Synthetic Orange on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

    what if the dude was talking like macho man randy savage?

    or hulk hogan?


    LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BROTHER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AT SUMMER-SLAM AND HULKAMANIA'S GONNA BE RUNNIN' WILD ON YOUR PUSSY OH YEEEEAAAAAH.

    oh shit that would be awesome

    i think i need to just be dating you guys, se++
    so let's get to it
    let's date

    Synth: sig'd so hard.

    beavotron on
  • ZombotZombot Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    I kinda want to see a lady boner.

    Zombot on
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    Urian on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay

    Yet another dream crushed. Well done fags. 8-)

    he's so much better now that he's gay though
    before he was all emo and mopey and that's what i liked about him because you know, high school.
    he also was a huge jock that wore sweatpants and tee-shirts he got from volunteering at the local children's hospital a lot.
    now he's tan and does his hair and fights with me over who gets dibs on dancing all up on hot guys in bars
    usually it's a coin flip
    or we just tag team them.

    beavotron on
  • ultraexactzzultraexactzz BLEASCHMNN Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dadouw wrote: »
    But what was he doing on your girlfriend's couch!

    His girlfriend was so pissed that she locked the bedroom door behind him. So he was locked out of his own room. (!) He figured he'd go to my girlfriend's house, and either A) I'd have a key, or B) he could lay low for a night.

    Wisely, he chose B. They broke up a few weeks later, but more because she was a bitch than because of this little faux pas.

    ultraexactzz on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?

    beavotron on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    My first time was with my current girlfriend of just over a year

    She is going away to college in two weeks and I don't know if I can really see that lasting but I sure hope so

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?
    1218706388015.gif
    EMERGENCY HILARIOUS GIF.

    Metzger Meister on
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    A lady boner is a really nice tingly feeling in the pants

    Actually I can't really describe it better than that

    Janson on
  • Caulk Bite 6Caulk Bite 6 One of the multitude of Dans infesting this place Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bloods End wrote: »
    I mostly just sing Disney movie songs.

    I want to be... Part of your world...

    Caulk Bite 6 on
    jnij103vqi2i.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?
    1218706388015.gif
    EMERGENCY HILARIOUS GIF.

    oh god, thank you

    beavotron on
  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've kinda faked orgasms as a guy

    autono-wally, erotibot300 on
    kFJhXwE.jpgkFJhXwE.jpg
  • ZombotZombot Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.

    Zombot on
  • ZombotZombot Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.


    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?

    Hey same here!
    H5!

    Zombot on
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.
    ahahaha

    Janson on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Janson wrote: »
    A lady boner is a really nice tingly feeling in the pants

    Actually I can't really describe it better than that

    no yeah that's ... that's it in a nutshell

    kinda like a rush of "oh.. yeah that... i like that okay, i'm... interested, my interest is piqued let's uh, let's see where this is going!"

    so with watching the WotLK trailer it was like:

    oh yeah, nice okay... the... alright, frostmourne is getting it's glow that's... yeah okay, I'm feeling it, I'm interested Blizzard, you've got my attention and uh... what's this now? something, okay something's coming out of the ice? This is, yeah alright this is good, I see where this is headed and I'm with you on the journey and OH FUCK, GIANT DRAGON COME OUT OF THE ICE AND GETS ALL FROSTMOURNE GLOWY? WOOOOO! Alright, I am on board Blizzard, you have...really got my full att- SCOURGE ARE GETTING GLOWY EYES AND MOUTH STUFF tingle has reached maximum. Lady Boner achieved.

    beavotron on
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Go Zombot!

    Synthetic Orange on
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    feelsgoodman-2.gif

    Urian on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Janson wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.
    ahahaha

    beavotron on
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The only experience I've ever had, being a "robust" individual, that could even be construed as sexual was a hilariously awkward truth or dare makeout.

    I was picked to make out with this girl named Beth who, at the time, looked like a 12 year old boy. This did not perturb me, because I was like "woo kisses!" So I go in for the kiss, and smash our teeth together. Hard. Like... one of my front teeth was chipped. And then she kneed me in the balls.

    And that's why I am eating myself to death.

    Metzger Meister on
  • Bloods EndBloods End Blade of Tyshalle Punch dimensionRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Caulk Bite wrote: »
    Bloods End wrote: »
    I mostly just sing Disney movie songs.

    I want to be... Part of your world...

    60% of the time, it works every time.

    Ladies.

    Bloods End on
  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I got punched in the eye once

    Skull Man on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    The only experience I've ever had, being a "robust" individual, that could even be construed as sexual was a hilariously awkward truth or dare makeout.

    I was picked to make out with this girl named Beth who, at the time, looked like a 12 year old boy. This did not perturb me, because I was like "woo kisses!" So I go in for the kiss, and smash our teeth together. Hard. Like... one of my front teeth was chipped. And then she kneed me in the balls.

    And that's why I am eating myself to death.

    20041007PizzaTheHut.jpg

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    Skull Man wrote: »
    I got punched in the eye once

    I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.

    Urian on
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    The only experience I've ever had, being a "robust" individual, that could even be construed as sexual was a hilariously awkward truth or dare makeout.

    I was picked to make out with this girl named Beth who, at the time, looked like a 12 year old boy. This did not perturb me, because I was like "woo kisses!" So I go in for the kiss, and smash our teeth together. Hard. Like... one of my front teeth was chipped. And then she kneed me in the balls.

    And that's why I am eating myself to death.

    20041007PizzaTheHut.jpg

    NO POSTING PICS OF PEOPLE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. >:|

    Metzger Meister on
  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    yeah but did you do all that during sex?

    Skull Man on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Skull Man wrote: »
    yeah but did you do all that during sex?

    Would that surprise you

    it wouldn't surprise me

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • Caulk Bite 6Caulk Bite 6 One of the multitude of Dans infesting this place Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    Skull Man wrote: »
    I got punched in the eye once

    I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.

    Was that while you were in prison?

    Caulk Bite 6 on
    jnij103vqi2i.png
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Seriously Urian, you have the life story of a guy in a Tom Waits song.

    Metzger Meister on
  • crwthcrwth THAT'S IT Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    crwth on
    EzUAYcn.png
  • Tweaked_Bat_Tweaked_Bat_ Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Some guy that I had only been dating for like 2 weeks whispered that he loved me during sex and I burst out laughing

    it was awful and I felt bad but my instincts to laugh were far stronger than my instincts to be a compassionate person. There is a lesson to be learned here. Don't fall in love with me boys, 9 times out of 10 I will only break your fragile young hearts.

    Hooo boy that's a mistake. I would've reacted in a similar fashion if someone I'd known for two weeks said that during sex.

    Tweaked_Bat_ on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    crwth wrote: »
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    This

    A thousand times this

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • ZombotZombot Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    crwth wrote: »
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    I once went down on a girl who had a bit of smeckle on her tuckus hole.
    It was kinda hard telling her she needs to wipe better.

    Zombot on
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    crwth wrote: »
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    I once went down on a girl who had a bit of smeckle on her tuckus hole.
    It was kinda hard telling her she needs to wipe better.

    Don't worry, you were doing her a mitzvah. Oy, I could just kvetch thinking about it.

    edit: My elementary school art teacher was named Mrs. Shmeckle. She was just as awesome as her name.

    Metzger Meister on
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    crwth wrote: »
    put it in my ex's butt

    poop on dick

    that's about the worst

    I once went down on a girl who had a bit of smeckle on her tuckus hole.
    It was kinda hard telling her she needs to wipe better.

    Don't worry, you were doing her a mitzvah. Oy, I could just kvetch thinking about it.

    edit: My elementary school art teacher was named Mrs. Shmeckle. She was just as awesome as her name.

    oh my shit there are too many good things to quote in my sig in this forum!
    TOO MANY

    beavotron on
This discussion has been closed.