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My First Relationship...
Yapaitu07
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I've been in a relationship for the last four months. We met around the end of spring semester at college and more or less rushed a "courtship" thanks to the impending summer and my lack of expertise... School ended a few weeks later and left us an hour apart, but we were able to see each other fairly often, usually once a week. We both transferred out of our first college, I to a local community college and she to a college far out of state...I've been in love since our first night together, but I've been struggling to process the rest of my feelings.
One day she told me something I'm still unable to process. It's actually the main reason I'm writing this. Two years ago she was raped. Lately her past attempts to hide how much it has affected her haven't been able to hold back her emotions, and I'm afraid of my inability to help her. She wishes she was physically injured so she'd have a reason to be so angry and she's angry with herself for not being able to come to terms with it after 2 years. I want to tell her she's being too hard on herself, but my words can only do so much. The most frightening thing she's told me was about her promiscuity that followed and how she tried to use it to pretty much destroy relationships to downplay the impact of what happened to her...
I just get the feeling I should have it all figured out for her or know exactly what to say but I just don't...and I'm just so worried about her. I hate to hear her like this but thanks to the distance it's all I can do.
One day she told me something I'm still unable to process. It's actually the main reason I'm writing this. Two years ago she was raped. Lately her past attempts to hide how much it has affected her haven't been able to hold back her emotions, and I'm afraid of my inability to help her. She wishes she was physically injured so she'd have a reason to be so angry and she's angry with herself for not being able to come to terms with it after 2 years. I want to tell her she's being too hard on herself, but my words can only do so much. The most frightening thing she's told me was about her promiscuity that followed and how she tried to use it to pretty much destroy relationships to downplay the impact of what happened to her...
I just get the feeling I should have it all figured out for her or know exactly what to say but I just don't...and I'm just so worried about her. I hate to hear her like this but thanks to the distance it's all I can do.
Yapaitu07 on
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I'm useless in this, but it at least seems to me you should be supporting, try your best to make her feel comfortable. She went through... far more than anyone should have to.
She was my first real relationship, I was her second, and she was 2 years older than I was. We had a great deal in common and found spending time together very enjoyable, shortly after making it official, she called me in the middle of the night and revealed secret, her previous boyfriend had assaulted and raped her. I was as much in shock as I'm sure you are. I found it hard to figure out how to deal with the situation, we had fooled around, but never gone so far as to have sex, which she had accepted as something she was willing to do with me, but knowing the history and her feelings about it, coupled with the short time we had been together I felt it was rushed emotions and it scared me. I came to feel like you did, and didn't think I couldn't live up to what she believed I could be. I was inexperienced with relationships in general and an issue to that extreme is hard to deal with, it takes a great deal of patience, and caring to help them through it. I thought about it for a couple of weeks, it was not an easy decision to make, but at the time I decided I needed to end the relationship early, not because I didn't care about her, but because I cared enough to feel I would do more harm to her than I would good, I wasn't able to help, I didn't know how.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the decision, she came to really hate me for what ending it and there are many days where I regret it, but at the same time I feel it was the right decision to make instead of drawing out my now very mixed feelings about it which could potentially her through an even harder time.
Coming up with the words to comfort someone who's been through a situation and has feelings that you could only begin to imagine is hard to do. The distance in your situation is another hurdle, sometimes what they really need is to hear the voice, or feel the comforting touch of someone they really do trust. Every person is different in how they will react to the ordeal, and some people will never get over it. You're not about to make an easy decision on how to handle everything, so never for a moment expect that it will be, there will be consequences and challenges regardless. Be prepared to make sacrifices in your own life to help her if that is what you feel you want to do.
PS: She has since found a new boyfriend, someone a couple of years older than I am. She has exactly what I had hoped my actions would help her attain, he treats her very well and I'm sure they are very happy together, I had to come to accept being hated by someone I had cared about.
We love each other and at this point I'm willing to do just about anything for her. Not being able to do everything for her is just frustrating and though I want to let her know this, bringing it up again isn't exactly an easy thing to do...
A lot of people see therapy as some really negative thing like you think they're insane or something, but she's clearly having trouble with it that's not being resolved (2 years is a long time to let it go, and she's being self-destructive...) You could even recommend couples therapy and go along to help her through it, though if I were her, I'd want to do it on my own.
There are hotlines that you can call where you can talk to an expert. Teen pregnancy and health clinics also have people that you can talk to. Maybe you on your own could take the initiative to go talk to a professional, explain the situation to them and ask them what they think you should do to help her. It's completely confidential and they'll be able to give you advice on how to deal with someone who has been a rape victim, or give you advice on how to approach getting her in to see someone without her feeling like she's being attacked.
Two years isn't a long time at all since a rape, especially if she hasn't had any professional help. She's in college. See if you can get her to go talk to someone at the student health center; generally, colleges have free/very cheap counselling.
The idea of going to a professional myself for advice sounds like something that could make bringing it up to her a little easier. I guess I'm making this sound like she's depressed around the clock, but the way it comes and goes with varying intensities makes bringing it up still seems difficult at this point. This recent confrontation was more extreme than before. The first time she told me was over instant messaging...
Stop being so codependent.
People go through years and years of therapy with a trained professional over this sort of thing, and even then, there's no guarantee. If, as you said, she's already been to therapy, then there's little you can do that won't very well piss her off I'd wager.
The best you can really do is just let her know you're always willing to be there for her and listen whenever she wants to talk about it. Basically be a good boyfriend.
If you're feeling overwhelmed yourself, though, I'd definitely suggest perhaps seeking some therapy on your end.
Here's some good overall tips for you (which kind of echo what I've written already):
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one
That entire website/organization is dedicated to helping people that have been raped. I'd suggest pointing her in their direction if she ever asks you what you think she should do.
http://www.rainn.org/
Best of luck to both of you.
"No.. I was wrong. This must be what going mad feels like."
As others have said, I'd say the best route is to seek a professional and tell them the situation, then see what they have to say. It certainly sounds to be at a point where that's the only way you might gain some ground in improving this.
Meanwhile, be gentle, understanding, and look for ways to give what that person is looking for. Control issues are probably going to be everywhere- theres no simple explanation that will cover all of those. All I can say is, make sure trust is maintained in the Big Picture, so that whatever experiences you two share, theres a firm understanding of what the other person will or will not do. Its very important in these kinds of situations (extremely common by the way) to discuss likes and dislikes, and to have a firm understanding of what actions are acceptable, which actions are on the line, and which ones are over.
Also, don't worry so much about it. Just ensure that your actions are coming from a good place, your care, your love, your enjoyment of the other person. If you overstep, or hit uncomfortable territory, things will naturally get reigned in. You don't have to tiptoe through everything, aggression often has its place in these situations, but you do need to be aware and stay mindful of the signals taking place.
Figuring out how to read and respond to your significant other is all part of the fun of entering into a new relationship. Some of its good times, some of it is scary as hell. Enjoy the ride- it's not just your life, its an adventure!
Not that I'm aware of. The college we attended offered free counseling services, but the counselors themselves were there for the general student body rather than specific issues...
I'm going to try a hotline. Striking up this sort of conversation with someone sitting in an office somewhere just doesn't sit well but I'm willing to try. Even then, since she and I are reduced to phonecalls a limited amount of time per week it'll be a lot more difficult than being there in person... I know that as soon as I bring it up, it's just going to turn into depression. She can't really afford professional help right now and I highly doubt she'd see another campus counselor.
Not to be offensive, but the nature of the offense can sometimes clue you in to whats really going on. for example, rape runs the gamut from violent sexual attack in the park late at night to simple "buyers remorse" after a drunken night, if you know what i mean.
I wholeheartedly agree with the others who said that you can't and shouldn't try to change it. however, at the same time, if her dealing with this trauma is effecting you negatively, you need to take your own health into consideration. you haven't specified what, if any, effect her depression is having on the relationship - if things are fine, and she doesn't want to get therapy, then it is your choice.
however, as sad as it is, unstable people (trauma victims include) can sometimes bring their loved ones down with them. if this is what is happening, and you are offering genuine care, nonjudgemental acceptance, all that good stuff which you sound like you are, and you are offering to help her through this, with accomodations for different types of treatment, AND she still is resistant....well...there is nothing wrong with looking out for yourself...it sounds like you are at the point where you have done as much as you can, and you should not feel responsible.
finally i'd like to tell a quick story, cause I like telling stories. This girl I dated some years back was hot, smart, and funny, and i was infatuated with her. she had a past of promiscuity and when i got with her she was dealing with some issues. she was sort of clingy, but i liked that. she wouldn't have sex with me though - we agreed some stupid thing about that, it was her idea. that was alright at first, but eventually we started getting more physical and it WASN'T ENOUGH!! in the words of Unforgivable. i remained in a sort of a limbo for a few weeks; then, right when i worked up the guts to confront her, she stopped calling and eventually i saw her with another dude i knew. it was tragic.