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Social anxiety and more
Space Cowboy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi all. My first post here, but I've visited the forum every now and then for a long time.
So, the reason I'm posting this is that it seems some of you are quite knowledgable on this. I've been reading different topics and on other web sites but I decided it was time to put my own thought into words. Any help will be greatly appreciated, although seeing my post after writing it really doesn't lift my spirits.
I'm ashamed to realize I've written an insanely long and probably completely uninteresting rant, so I'll just write the questions first and you can read the rest if you feel like it.
1. What can I do about being unable to speak up and have a good time when with other people? How can I get closer to people without it taking years of gradually getting to know them (by which time they might be gone)? No matter how well I do in other areas in life, I don't think I'll ever be really happy if I can't improve here, and it's troubled me all through my otherwise good childhood/adolescence.
2. Is it okay to use alcohol to get to know people and function socially? I know I can't rely on it, but is it okay to regularly use it for that purpose because I otherwise fail to do it?
3. How do I break up with my girlfriend without hurting her too much? She lives with me at the moment, but she'll be moving out soon. She's great but I'm not in love with her anymore.
4. How do I speed things up with a girl I'm stuck thinking about every single minute of every day? We've had a great time when we've been drinking, but I work with her at school and I never get it to go anywhere because I can't open up or be fun like I want to. At the very least I need to break it off completely. She has a boyfriend btw, who is away for a year. She's shown interest earlier, I need to know if she's really interested or not.
All my life I've been a shy person, and after reading up on it I'm sure I have a mild social anxiety disorder. I'm 21 and I study business and economics. My life has turned out pretty well, I have great parents, great family, I go to a good school and I've had an overall very good childhood. The thing is, I can't help but feel most of it is luck - I was born where I was born, my parents have been very helpful, I'm pretty sure good genes have helped me get through school and studies relatively easily, I look good, I've gotten to travel a lot and see many places and do lots of stuff. To my credit, I think I'm a nice and interesting guy and I can work hard when necessary. But apart from that, all my life I've been lucky enough to get where I am today. If I hadn't been lucky, my inability to work things out for myself socially would have constantly kept me down. If I didn't have any friends or encouragement from home I wouldn't have had any ambition or ability to believe in myself at all.
The point is really that all my life, no matter if things are working out for me (in aspects of life other than social stuff) or not, I have not been able to ensure my own well-being - I have always relied on somebody else to do it for me. In any situation involving other people than my immediate family, my girlfriend or my best friends, I become a spectator. I takes years for me to get comfortable with someone. Speaking out loud in a group only happens when the situation is optimal - I know the people well, they are all relaxed and there are no strangers there.
Now at school there are lots and lots of situations with people I know only half-well, and then I end up not speaking. All these situations are supposed to be pleasant and fun, but my stupid fear of speaking (and the fact that I can't think of a single thing to say) makes them really unpleasant because I know people endup not liking me that much and I just sit there and worry.
I was really surprised a few years ago when an American girl (I live in Europe) told me she initially didn't like me at all, because I gave the impression of not giving a shit about anyone and not even bothering to speak up. All my life I'd thought my body language showed people what I was thinking, which usually is that I'm dying to be a part of the social interaction like everyone else, but completely terrified to do it. But she said I was arrogant and a jerk. I've heard it a couple of times after that, and it sort of makes sense, but it sucks just as much as being seen as the little wimp who can't speak up.
This brings me to another thing I'm wondering about, which is alcohol. The girl ended up liking me because we all got wasted together. When I drink I open up and (more) people really like me, they think I'm fun and I feel I add to the situation rather than the opposite. This has been another way for me to make my life function - since I was about sixteen I've gone out and been drinking every weekend (which is very normal where I live, 16 is almost late to start drinking) and been able to relax and have fun around people. It's also the only way I've been able to get closer to girls, because I normally can't bring a conversation with a girl anywhere near something that could turn into more than just friendly talking. I have a very nice girlfriend, but I got to know her gradually through meeting her at parties and other situations including alcohol. It took more than half a year (and a lot of patience on her part), from the first time we kissed for us to get together for real, all because I was really nervous when I wasn't drinking. What I'm wondering about then, is if it's okay to use alcohol to get to know people and function socially? I know I can't rely on it, but is it okay to regularly use it for that purpose because I otherwise fail to do it?
Okay, last thing, and part of it is not related to the social anxiety stuff. I've been with my girlfriend for almost four years, and it's my first relationship and the only girl I've slept with. She's a cute and very nice girl, but I know I'm not really in love with her anymore. I want her to be happy but I can't stay together with her for much longer if she depends on being with me so much more than I need her in order to be happy. So I guess I need some breakup advice, because I want to minimize the pain that I'll no doubt inflict. Now, the other problem is that there's a girl I work with at school I'm sort of in love with. I don't know exactly how I feel, but I constantly think about her and she's a fantastic person. All day I look forward to whatever little time I get to spend with her. When we've been together and drinking, we've had a great time and I'm pretty sure she's liked me a lot. But when we're not drinking, I just can't get past the just-being-friendly type of conversations we have. The thing is, I need something to happen there, either something happens with her or I realize there really isn't anything there anyway and I drop it, but I can't go around thinking about her all the time. I often get kinda short of breath and nervous and I can't concentrate on other things because she pops into my head and it's got to go one way or the other.
A third problem is that she's got a boyfriend as well. He's not in this city at the moment, but it really complicates things. She was the first one to show interest and now she's being more withdrawn, but she's made me go crazy. Damn it. So how do I either get her out of my head (which I really don't want to) or get her to like me more? It sound really stupid saying that, but I'm constantly plagued by thinking of the times we've been together sort of drunk, when she's shown a lot of interest, which I can't bring out in other situations.
To sum this mess up: I need to be more confident around other people and be able to be myself. I need to be able to take a little bit control of the social situations that I'm in. I don't want people to see me the wrong way and I want to enjoy social situations, not be terrified and troubled by them. And I want that girl.:|
So, the reason I'm posting this is that it seems some of you are quite knowledgable on this. I've been reading different topics and on other web sites but I decided it was time to put my own thought into words. Any help will be greatly appreciated, although seeing my post after writing it really doesn't lift my spirits.
I'm ashamed to realize I've written an insanely long and probably completely uninteresting rant, so I'll just write the questions first and you can read the rest if you feel like it.
1. What can I do about being unable to speak up and have a good time when with other people? How can I get closer to people without it taking years of gradually getting to know them (by which time they might be gone)? No matter how well I do in other areas in life, I don't think I'll ever be really happy if I can't improve here, and it's troubled me all through my otherwise good childhood/adolescence.
2. Is it okay to use alcohol to get to know people and function socially? I know I can't rely on it, but is it okay to regularly use it for that purpose because I otherwise fail to do it?
3. How do I break up with my girlfriend without hurting her too much? She lives with me at the moment, but she'll be moving out soon. She's great but I'm not in love with her anymore.
4. How do I speed things up with a girl I'm stuck thinking about every single minute of every day? We've had a great time when we've been drinking, but I work with her at school and I never get it to go anywhere because I can't open up or be fun like I want to. At the very least I need to break it off completely. She has a boyfriend btw, who is away for a year. She's shown interest earlier, I need to know if she's really interested or not.
All my life I've been a shy person, and after reading up on it I'm sure I have a mild social anxiety disorder. I'm 21 and I study business and economics. My life has turned out pretty well, I have great parents, great family, I go to a good school and I've had an overall very good childhood. The thing is, I can't help but feel most of it is luck - I was born where I was born, my parents have been very helpful, I'm pretty sure good genes have helped me get through school and studies relatively easily, I look good, I've gotten to travel a lot and see many places and do lots of stuff. To my credit, I think I'm a nice and interesting guy and I can work hard when necessary. But apart from that, all my life I've been lucky enough to get where I am today. If I hadn't been lucky, my inability to work things out for myself socially would have constantly kept me down. If I didn't have any friends or encouragement from home I wouldn't have had any ambition or ability to believe in myself at all.
The point is really that all my life, no matter if things are working out for me (in aspects of life other than social stuff) or not, I have not been able to ensure my own well-being - I have always relied on somebody else to do it for me. In any situation involving other people than my immediate family, my girlfriend or my best friends, I become a spectator. I takes years for me to get comfortable with someone. Speaking out loud in a group only happens when the situation is optimal - I know the people well, they are all relaxed and there are no strangers there.
Now at school there are lots and lots of situations with people I know only half-well, and then I end up not speaking. All these situations are supposed to be pleasant and fun, but my stupid fear of speaking (and the fact that I can't think of a single thing to say) makes them really unpleasant because I know people endup not liking me that much and I just sit there and worry.
I was really surprised a few years ago when an American girl (I live in Europe) told me she initially didn't like me at all, because I gave the impression of not giving a shit about anyone and not even bothering to speak up. All my life I'd thought my body language showed people what I was thinking, which usually is that I'm dying to be a part of the social interaction like everyone else, but completely terrified to do it. But she said I was arrogant and a jerk. I've heard it a couple of times after that, and it sort of makes sense, but it sucks just as much as being seen as the little wimp who can't speak up.
This brings me to another thing I'm wondering about, which is alcohol. The girl ended up liking me because we all got wasted together. When I drink I open up and (more) people really like me, they think I'm fun and I feel I add to the situation rather than the opposite. This has been another way for me to make my life function - since I was about sixteen I've gone out and been drinking every weekend (which is very normal where I live, 16 is almost late to start drinking) and been able to relax and have fun around people. It's also the only way I've been able to get closer to girls, because I normally can't bring a conversation with a girl anywhere near something that could turn into more than just friendly talking. I have a very nice girlfriend, but I got to know her gradually through meeting her at parties and other situations including alcohol. It took more than half a year (and a lot of patience on her part), from the first time we kissed for us to get together for real, all because I was really nervous when I wasn't drinking. What I'm wondering about then, is if it's okay to use alcohol to get to know people and function socially? I know I can't rely on it, but is it okay to regularly use it for that purpose because I otherwise fail to do it?
Okay, last thing, and part of it is not related to the social anxiety stuff. I've been with my girlfriend for almost four years, and it's my first relationship and the only girl I've slept with. She's a cute and very nice girl, but I know I'm not really in love with her anymore. I want her to be happy but I can't stay together with her for much longer if she depends on being with me so much more than I need her in order to be happy. So I guess I need some breakup advice, because I want to minimize the pain that I'll no doubt inflict. Now, the other problem is that there's a girl I work with at school I'm sort of in love with. I don't know exactly how I feel, but I constantly think about her and she's a fantastic person. All day I look forward to whatever little time I get to spend with her. When we've been together and drinking, we've had a great time and I'm pretty sure she's liked me a lot. But when we're not drinking, I just can't get past the just-being-friendly type of conversations we have. The thing is, I need something to happen there, either something happens with her or I realize there really isn't anything there anyway and I drop it, but I can't go around thinking about her all the time. I often get kinda short of breath and nervous and I can't concentrate on other things because she pops into my head and it's got to go one way or the other.
A third problem is that she's got a boyfriend as well. He's not in this city at the moment, but it really complicates things. She was the first one to show interest and now she's being more withdrawn, but she's made me go crazy. Damn it. So how do I either get her out of my head (which I really don't want to) or get her to like me more? It sound really stupid saying that, but I'm constantly plagued by thinking of the times we've been together sort of drunk, when she's shown a lot of interest, which I can't bring out in other situations.
To sum this mess up: I need to be more confident around other people and be able to be myself. I need to be able to take a little bit control of the social situations that I'm in. I don't want people to see me the wrong way and I want to enjoy social situations, not be terrified and troubled by them. And I want that girl.:|
Space Cowboy on
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2) People will disagree, but I think its not so bad. They call it social lubricant for a reason, but it won't help you at all outside when your drinking.
3) You're infatuated with this other girl, so just make sure thats not making you think less of the relationship you currently have. Breaking up hurts people, the only way to hurt her the least is to be clear about it. No half way 'want to see other people' BS.
4) She's got a boyfriend. Even if she's into you, don't be that guy. Don't even entertain the thought, you're not doing yourself any good pining for her.
Thanks for the advice. 3) and 4) are not at all related to each other, and I guess putting them in this thread was a bit dumb but it was all mixed up in my little head. Anyway, "don't be that guy" is really something I take seriously - I don't know what I might be getting into here.
If you break off with girl A don't assume that girl B will get together with you, especially since she already has a boyfriend. Maybe you actually need girl C, the one you haven't met yet? But if you are going to break up, do it sooner rather than later so that you can both meet more suitable people.
Instead of self-medicating with alcohol, why don't you make an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist to try to get help with your social anxiety? There are a number of drug and non-drug therapy options that I've seen work very effectively for social anxiety.
In my experience, a lot of people with social anxiety disorder tend to think it's not really a "real" problem, so they avoid looking for treatment. But it is a real disorder, with accompanying biological and chemical differences in the brains of those affected.
Yes it's possible to just deal with it yourself, and maybe get better over time, but getting professional help is going to allow you to deal with it more effectively.
2. Drinking is fine.
3. Just do it. You already know you want to break up with her. It's going to hurt no matter what. There's no magic pill for breaking up. She's gunna cry, and you'll probably cry, and it's going to hurt both of you a lot. Nothing you say can cushion the fact that you don't want to be her boyfriend anymore. Her emotions are going to be largely the same whether you say "lets just be friends," "I love you but I'm not in love with you", or "I hope you get cancer and die". It'll take just about the same amount of time to get over you. (NB: I'd suggest you don't go with the cancer one though.)
4. Just do it. Get closer. Get physical. Hugs, hand holding, put your arm around her. She's not going to initiate, but whatever you do she'll follow. Treat it like it's totally natural. "Hey, we should hang out sometime."
One last tip. Don't do #3 so you can get #4 easier. I'm not saying don't break up with your girl, or don't try and get with this new girl. I'm just saying that you need to expect that you won't get anywhere with this new girl. As for "not being that guy," keep in mind that most long distance relationships fail for a reason. It's because they're like penpals only you're not allowed to date other people. WTF is that.
It seems like she's already shown she wants a new boyfriend, she's just holding on to her old one as an insurance policy in case she hasn't found anyone new by the time he comes back.