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I know something she doesn't know... -- Update on Page 5
Iskander
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, this will be a very personal and intimate revelation. What weirds me out most is that I'm turning to an internet forum for advice before consulting any of my friends. Anyway...
'She' being my girlfriend of five years. She is at uni about 50 miles away and lives in a student dorm. We usually see each other on the weekends or she comes over for a couple of days when she doesn't have to study. She's not from this country and is having trouble with the language and with money, so I've been helping her out wherever I can.
That 'something' being the fact that she cheated on me about six months ago. She accidentally left her gmail account logged in when she last was here. She uses Internet Explorer to do her browsing when she's at my place and as I use a different browser I never noticed until now. Today though I had to use IE and upon opening Gmail I stumbled upon her inbox. Now I know, the sensible and ethical thing to do would have been to close it right there, but I did notice an email with a male sounding name on the first page and starting with something like "hey gorgeous, bla bla bla..."
So I couldn't help it, I had to check it out. Turn out she's been in contact with the guy half a year ago, they were sending pictures of themselves masturbating to each other and at some point... she seemed to invite him to her place, being very explicit about wanting to have sex. I don't know what happened after that as the mails stop and I have yet to confront her about it.
The most ridiculous thing about it all is, that to me she's been very convincing for years about not being a person who wants lots of sex or someone who is turned on easily. We have regular sex but she never seems to enjoy herself much despite my best efforts and generally even blocks any attempts to add spice or variety to our sex life. She seemed completely different in her mails to him. Straightforward even.
Either way, I just found out maybe an hour ago and strangely don't know what to make of the situation.
A significant part of me is amazed, excited at the fact that she is able to be much more active sexually than she has been to me for years.
An even bigger part of me is howling mad that she wasn't able to be like that to me, her boyfriend of all people.
A rather small part of me knows what people usually do in these situations but is strangely stymied by the first part.
So here I sit, feeling very very stupid at having been fooled, not knowing how to even assess the situation correctly, let alone how to react.
Any help or advice you people may offer will be very welcome.
'She' being my girlfriend of five years. She is at uni about 50 miles away and lives in a student dorm. We usually see each other on the weekends or she comes over for a couple of days when she doesn't have to study. She's not from this country and is having trouble with the language and with money, so I've been helping her out wherever I can.
That 'something' being the fact that she cheated on me about six months ago. She accidentally left her gmail account logged in when she last was here. She uses Internet Explorer to do her browsing when she's at my place and as I use a different browser I never noticed until now. Today though I had to use IE and upon opening Gmail I stumbled upon her inbox. Now I know, the sensible and ethical thing to do would have been to close it right there, but I did notice an email with a male sounding name on the first page and starting with something like "hey gorgeous, bla bla bla..."
So I couldn't help it, I had to check it out. Turn out she's been in contact with the guy half a year ago, they were sending pictures of themselves masturbating to each other and at some point... she seemed to invite him to her place, being very explicit about wanting to have sex. I don't know what happened after that as the mails stop and I have yet to confront her about it.
The most ridiculous thing about it all is, that to me she's been very convincing for years about not being a person who wants lots of sex or someone who is turned on easily. We have regular sex but she never seems to enjoy herself much despite my best efforts and generally even blocks any attempts to add spice or variety to our sex life. She seemed completely different in her mails to him. Straightforward even.
Either way, I just found out maybe an hour ago and strangely don't know what to make of the situation.
A significant part of me is amazed, excited at the fact that she is able to be much more active sexually than she has been to me for years.
An even bigger part of me is howling mad that she wasn't able to be like that to me, her boyfriend of all people.
A rather small part of me knows what people usually do in these situations but is strangely stymied by the first part.
So here I sit, feeling very very stupid at having been fooled, not knowing how to even assess the situation correctly, let alone how to react.
Any help or advice you people may offer will be very welcome.
Iskander on
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Whatever you do, don't just decide to let it go and see what happens.
Rightfully so, I'd say.
I'd recommend getting yourself un-stymied ASAP. I think you're deluding yourself if you think that her cheating on you is somehow going to lead to a fix in the preexisting problems with your relationship. My vote would be to break up, cut off all contact, burn the bridges, burn the structures near the bridges, heck, burn all vegetation within a 10-mile radius of the bridges and salt the earth so nothing can grow there again, ever. Then move on to greener pastures. I know it's hard, especially after such a long time, but this whole situation just screams to me that you're being used in pretty harsh way here.
As for the 'little information' part. Yes I agree, I only outlined the very basics of the situation. The long of it is that she has been leaning on me for many things, for a long long time. I pay for her cell phone and I got her the computer she currently has. Of course when we go out it is my treat. Money is of little significance here, though. I have also been a huge emotional and academic crutch as well, just as you said, which has been much more taxing and demanding than the financial help I've been giving her...
I repeat: you are convenient. Stop being convenient. These are only increasingly great reasons to break up with her.
But
I never forgave myself for not walking away. Even to this day. I know its a bit of a contradiction... As we had a great relationship and I'd not give up our time together for anything - but my self respect suffered.
Think about that.
fuck
Best of luck.
Whoa man. Whoa.
What gives you reason to think that she'd go all crazy on him? Its a hard enough decision without that kind of distrust.
I don't think it's "get your credit card and keys, she's crazy", I think it's "get your credit card and keys, she's not to be trusted".
Why are you defending this cheater?, she is not to be trusted, the OP has the right to be careful from now on.
I think you people are right, but it is such a difficult choice to make, choosing emotional pain over comfort. This is my first real breakup due to cheating. All the other relationships I had either grew apart naturally or just were short flings with little meaning. But this, it's almost like these ties grow into your personality and you can't cut them lose without hurting yourself (boy that sounded pathetically emo didn't it)
I'll talk about it over a beer with a buddy of mine. I'll call her and try to finish it. I'll keep you all updated.
You don't need reasons to be careful.
I'm not defending the cheater at all - I'm just saying that that's quite an extreme reaction. You dont have to go from love to hate in 3.5 seconds.
I know her. She is very capable of hurting me out of spite. The best way for her to do this would be to use her cell phone to call her mother in Estonia and rack up a bill of hundreds of Euros. I'm not saying she'll definitely do it, but she's capable and Fantasma's suggestion is a sensible precaution.
Well... Shit.
As you were then. It just seemed like an out of the blue assumption... And then the "you must be defending the cheater" bit was ridiculous.
Do not wait to talk to your buddy. Do not think about it a couple more days. Do not make a "pass Go" joke. Cancel her crap and cut ties ASAP.
Condoms aren't 100% effective. Get tested.
Good luck.
Under no circumstances should you still be giving her money in any way. Seriously dude, have some self respect. Don't pay for her anything. If she wanted anything other than money from you should wouldn't have been fucking other guys.
Forgive me for being a bit passionate, but this isn't the time to negotiate. This is more or less a war--time to burn the bridges and cut the supply lines there's no reason not to, because she treated him as a personal piggy-bank. What this means is simple; she's expendable, dump her, cut off all contact, and go out on the rebound.
^ This.
Get tested (as noted by others), cut off the cell phone and WoW (and god knows what else) now before further damage is done. You're being used, and if you hesitate you risk being taxed with further financial strains, especially if you can admit to us/yourself that she is capable of lashing out in that fashion.
You deserve better. You deserve someone that wants to be more than a leech upon you (emotionally, financially, etc), and whom wants to get freaky with you for being you, not give a token roll in the hay to out of a meager sense of obligation.
Get out. Get out now.
Don't wait -- this isn't something you need to comfort your girlfriend about. She cheated on you willingly and explicitly, in a way so lazily that it's almost like she didn't care if she was caught (it's trivial to log out of Gmail). You should go to sleep tonight a single man.
For the record, I agree fully with canceling everything as soon as possible and calling her up and letting her know what you found and that you both are done. The above was just something that popped into my head.
Probably not a good idea, especially considering he'd then have to follow up with "Well, too bad, 'cause you're a cheating whore and the gravy train's packed with C4."
You don't want to remember this bitch every time you want/need a loan, and your credit is shot to hell because of a few hundred in unpaid calls to her boy toy in Estonia.
I would also ask if you actually saw explicit e-mails from her to this guy. If so, you should take all the advice above, but if not, it probably bears a little investigating. How many spam e-mails do you get from strangers pretending to be people you know or knew a long time ago? You don't need to say anything about it if you are positive.
However, even if you do find that it was just a misunderstanding, this is obviously a shitty relationship and you should probably get out of it.
Small point tho - while I absolutely condone cutting off her phone if you're paying for it, make sure you can still call her by another number so you can go through with the whole breaking up bit.
Clearly she's already pretty comfortable with gmail.
But seriously, as terrible as it is to discover that you're being cheated on, at least you can make a clean break, safe in the knowledge that while you are not perfect, you did everything you could to be supportive. That doesn't extend to being someone's doormat or ATM. Put an end to it and do your best to move on with your life.
Well she did leave her gmail account logged in so in my opinion it's her own goddamn fault.
Also, the WoW sub was just cancelled, I'll be writing the cell phone contract over to her tomorrow, and she can fucking keep the gamecube.
Funny, now that I look through the apartment there is none of her usual stuff here... she'd normally keep a set of clothing in my place. Wonder what that means...
I think she might have to physically sign the contract in order for it to go into her name, just an FYI.
is the contract in both your names?
I wouldn't expect her to pay for it.
good start though
In a few months you'll be much happier.