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My wife and I are getting a divorce
Spherick
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, as the title states, my wife and I are getting a divorce. Weve been married a little more than a year and have known each other for 4.5 years. We met the first day of Freshman year in college and have been together since. I got her into playing WoW about a year ago and she loved the social aspect of it, most of her friends being far, far away. About a month ago, I started a new job where I work mornings and she works night. So for about 10pm-4am, she is online by herself when she gets home from work. She starting flirting with this group of guys, but she assured me she was just doing it as fun, nothing serious. Up until now, she has been completely devoted to me, so I thought nothing of it.
A month ago I find naked pictures of one of the guys on her computer, and nudes of her on our camera. She confessed that she exchanged pictures with him. We had a huge fight and almost broke up, but decided not to and see if we can get help. She says that she wants to visit her family in North Carolina (were in FL) to see if maybe a week away from me will help her decide. I agree and off she goes.
She comes back a week later and were happy again, im so fucking estatic. 2 nights ago, she reveals that she wants a divorce, that she no longer wants to be married. Not to me, just not married period. Also turns out that trip to NC, was really to California to fuck this guys ALOT and see if she just needed a fling to clear her desires. Turns out she fell in love with him for the month they've known each other and in november is leaving to live with him. We have an apartment together and a cat, but the other assets are easily splittable. Also, she is 22 and this guy is 36 on disability who only has a high school diploma and installs security systems in houses. I feel so crushed.
I just dont know how to handle this or what to do. She still says that she loves me and wants me to be happy. She also said that she is just more happy with him and she wants to be selfish and do what she wants, damn the consequences.
Actually, he might be moving here if I want to dissolve my half of the lease and get myself a new place. Note: I most likely cant afford to live where we are by myself as im going to grad school for my CPA and cant work too much. Should I get a new place of my own, or try and stay here in my 2 bed and find a roomie? Should I sell all my possessions and move to Seattle and say fuck this place? Its just so out of left field that I find it hard to believe its real. Im actually sitting here at work listening to music and turns out every song I have on my iPod somehow reminds me of her. The worst part is that I still love her and can't find the anger to be mad at her for this.
Help
A month ago I find naked pictures of one of the guys on her computer, and nudes of her on our camera. She confessed that she exchanged pictures with him. We had a huge fight and almost broke up, but decided not to and see if we can get help. She says that she wants to visit her family in North Carolina (were in FL) to see if maybe a week away from me will help her decide. I agree and off she goes.
She comes back a week later and were happy again, im so fucking estatic. 2 nights ago, she reveals that she wants a divorce, that she no longer wants to be married. Not to me, just not married period. Also turns out that trip to NC, was really to California to fuck this guys ALOT and see if she just needed a fling to clear her desires. Turns out she fell in love with him for the month they've known each other and in november is leaving to live with him. We have an apartment together and a cat, but the other assets are easily splittable. Also, she is 22 and this guy is 36 on disability who only has a high school diploma and installs security systems in houses. I feel so crushed.
I just dont know how to handle this or what to do. She still says that she loves me and wants me to be happy. She also said that she is just more happy with him and she wants to be selfish and do what she wants, damn the consequences.
Actually, he might be moving here if I want to dissolve my half of the lease and get myself a new place. Note: I most likely cant afford to live where we are by myself as im going to grad school for my CPA and cant work too much. Should I get a new place of my own, or try and stay here in my 2 bed and find a roomie? Should I sell all my possessions and move to Seattle and say fuck this place? Its just so out of left field that I find it hard to believe its real. Im actually sitting here at work listening to music and turns out every song I have on my iPod somehow reminds me of her. The worst part is that I still love her and can't find the anger to be mad at her for this.
Help
Spherick on
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Quit WoW or at least change servers.
sorry to hear about this =(
You might be able to keep most of the marital assets since she cheated on you and wants the divorce. You might want to speak with the lawyer about that.
Just get a divorce lawyer and get this thing done and over with. There is no reason for you to stay one more minute with...her. And yeah, use your situation to your advantage.
I guess the situation is so surreal, I cant even imagine this happening. But it is, and I feel like the cliche "twisted insides" and "lead weight on my chest". In class I actually a hard time breathing from all the stress and realization of it all. Its starting to sink in and its causing problems.
downsize a lot. move into a smaller place. It'll help a lot of ways. Easier to keep clean, less expensive, and easier to furnish etc. Plus your bills will be smaller making it a bit easier to pay off debt and put yourself in a position where you can do what you want (be it culinary school or whatever)
SE++ Map Steam
This includes debt, dude. Get a fucking lawyer. You'll have to go through the disclose process in which everybody ponies up and things are split more or less down the middle. FIle first, and its her obligation to meet those legal requirements.
Don't feel guilty about splitting up your debt- you were a married couple, everything belongs to everyone, and your future financial strategies were founded in being together. She broke her vow and changed that, and now there are consequences. One of those consequences is that one quickly learns that a 'cut and run' from a legal marriage is simply not possible. Each person leaves with half of what they had before as a couple. Maybe that's in your favor, maybe not, but its still the law, and a marriage is more than just an agreement, its a legal change of entity.
Be sad, but file, and file first- he who files first sets the terms and precedent of the marriage dissolulion, and it is so, so much easier to be on the offense rather than defense here. Don't fuck around with this, it can bite you on the ass for a very, very long time.
If it helps, 'divorce' papers are not actually divorce papers, its filing for separation. The actual divorce occurs no less than one year after the original file, and you can cancel at any time if things change.
Really sorry to hear about your loss, sounds brutal. I'm sure it will work out eventually, new life, new home etc, but its a pretty big handful of suck right now, no lies.
Seriously, though, my first reaction to that post was "give that bitch a black eye". Which is obviously something you should never do.
I am sorry for you dude, maybe this is why I have not married yet.
Not all states give a shit about infidelity in divorce, find out what your rights are.
SE++ Map Steam
Enjoy WAR, enjoy hitting the gym and establishing new roots, whatever you end up doing. Be strong, man.
Seriously, you don't want to end up getting cuckolded for more than just your wife. Bear in mind that there's a third party here who is already planning on moving into your apartment. Don't go down the vengeance route, just make sure you don't end up with the short end of the stick.
While I agree that a lawyer is definitely in the OP's best interest, an accurate assessment of the property/debt situation is also important.
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I should also hit the gym, I know I let my physical appearance slip since I got married and need to get better. I just dont want to cause a fuckton of problems. I despise the legal system and always cringe when I hear about divorce cases. I might see if I can just get an agreement, in writing and drafted by a laywer, that she will pay X of the debt.
How much does getting a lawyer to do the divorce cost?
Divorces can also be cut and dry.
But ya, get a lawyer, get it over with as soon as you can. And for the love of god, quit WoW.
Shes taking her computer, her TV, and her car and I get everything else. This sound fair if I keep the debt which will probably get mostly passed to me anyway?
edit: shes keeping 1 of 2 dressers, a pull out couch, and the coffee table. Im also sure im keeping the washer and dryer.
Mine cost me about 3 grand all tolled, but I didn't file first, and a lot of that was catch up. It would have probably cost about 1700 if I'd been quicker on the draw.
Also, the lawyer will quote you a basic retainer, what it typically costs, and yes, there is something to be said for a decent one. Essentially, if your lawyer sucks, they will make mistakes in the wording of the various agreements, and if you catch those mistakes, they will cost a laywer hour per to fix them. So cheap lawyers can end up costing more than good ones. It's totally okay to shop around and ask what their divorce retainer is going to be.
But who knows, there are so many things to consider that could cost a little more.
Without knowing the value of the debt and the assets it's impossible to say.
Having just witnessed a nasty divorce, I'd say avoid the mutual lawyering-up. Both parties will net more (or owe less) if they can keep the lawyering to a minimum and not leave it up to the courts to make hard decisions. I'm not sure how you do this and still protect yourself; I'm guessing it requires some trust between you two. If you two don't have much in the way of assets, you want even less to be each paying $400/hour to lawyers to decide who gets this couch and who gets that lamp.
You have my condolences. Try to stay positive. Everything's going to remind you of her, but try not to make decisions that might hurt you more. Moving out might not be such a bad idea if it helps you financially and helps you not to think of her, but think twice about changing your education plans. Is there any way you could get a leave/deferment/withdrawal from this semester due to this, or if this is the last or penultimate semester perhaps you can just push through? You might be saddled with considerable debt if you don't net a degree but are indebted for the cost of an accounting degree, and you'll likely need additional loans to go to culinary school.
Seriously. Kudos.
How far is Clearwater from Tampa? Is it only a few hours? How are your student loans? Could you get another loan to cover the cost of a new place so you can finish grad school?
Usually the bulk of the debt goes towards the person who makes the bulk of the income, but it's split equitably.
edit: Clearwater is about an hour from Tampa in typical traffic.
I also appreciate all the replies and condolences. I have been here at PA since 1999 and I consider it a fucked up family somehow. Kind of pathetic, but this is helping.
Also she makes the bulk of the income. I pull 13/hr, she pulls 22/hr until november. before that she was making anywhere from 10-20/hr as a server.
First off let me start off by saying: holy fuck, I feel for you dude. I am about your age, married w/ kids, and am in a tight financial situation myself (cost of living in maryland blows). I can imagine what I would feel like if something like this happened between my wife and I. I would be an emotional wreck and would be completely unable to hold it together man. You have my respect.
Second, regarding your quoted post: Going through something this emotionally damaging can also fuck with your logic. I think you should be close to your family (move there is my advice) because your going to need some people to lean on and people on online forums although helpful can only do so much. I would wait until you are finished grieving until you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. I bet thoughts are racing through your head about a mile a minute. I know because I'm the same way. Your ability to make good decisions is going to be hindered if you can't find a way to calm yourself down. Take a deep breath and approach all decisions with logic.
Best of luck man.
Is it sad that I know im going to miss the sex alot? When she was gone for a week and I was blissfully unaware, other than holding her in my arms, thats what I missed the most.
/not bitter.
edit: the pictures have been deleted and the emails are on her private gmail account that I dont know the password to. Shes changed it all the moment she dropped the bomb.
Also, if FL is a no-fault state it doesn't matter if she banged the entire Buccaneer football team, she still gets half, so look into that. Nothing worse than if this broad wants to take half your future earnings as well so get on the phone and off this forum.
There is. Don't believe that garbage. The legal term is a Pro Se Divorce.
Keep posting and ill check when I get home/off the phone with a lawyer.
You mean there IS a form we can file without a lawyer? In Florida?
Yes go to the county clerk and get a form for an Uncontested Divorce without Children.
Florida law looks like it also allows "Simplified Divorce" which is a form of the same thing where both parties agree on everything.
http://www.divorcewriter.com/Start_the_Process.asp?src=g_fldiv_2&gclid=CO269ZGj95UCFQVfFQodWHT63Q
and this one http://www.stateofflorida.com/Portal/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabid=64
Once again, you guys may be words on a screen, but I really appreciate this. I guess im "free" now and can do whatever I please.