I suggested it, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to try and save the marriage. She wants to be with him, hell or high water. Its one of the things ive been begging her to try with me, as an attempt to try and salvage the marriage.
But she said she still cares for you and is still sexing you and kissing you for work. It just doesn't add up. Seems kinda fucked in the head. Maybe she should go get some counseling all by herself because her actions and her words aren't matching.
Thats what my friends think. I believe we both need counseling. At this point there is no way to fix this - not even with my grief-stricken mind's wildest rationalizations. Its over. Now the hard part is moving on.
Someone earlier suggested we not try to encourage negative emotions here, because you really shouldn't need help with that, but I'm beginning to think they were mistaken.
You should be far angrier than you are now. I'm not suggesting you be violent. I'm suggesting you get mad. After you learned of all this, that should have been the end right there. No cuddling, no comforting, and certainly no sex (seriously, what the hell?)
Anger is normal in a situation like this. Hell, this should be fury of 10,000 suns level rage, here. You need it to overtake your doubt, your remaining feelings for her. No, you cannot command yourself to fall out of love, but you can use anger to dull it or blind yourself to it when you need to.
Don't let your feelings keep you in a bad situation. Don't be afraid of moving out and being alone, but keep your friends close. I'll echo the suggestions of asking friends in the area to let you stay with them for awhile. Take the ring off and dispose of it. Melt it, pawn it, throw it in the ocean. Whatever. Get rid of it.
If she cared about you at all she would move out until you finished this semester of university. Suggest this to her. Say "This is some fucked up shit right now that I don't know if I can deal with it, and if you care about me I need you to get out of here until I finish these studies. Then you can have the place, we can divide it all up. But I need you to be understanding, and think about me right now."
Also she is being a terrible fucking human being right now. Realise this.
Considering how she's treated you, I don't think you have any reason to be nice to her right now. She doesn't deserve anything from you, so you should work out a situation to get her the fuck out of your life. I don't mean to escalate things, but the fact of the matter is, you two being together is poisonous.
I suggested it, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to try and save the marriage. She wants to be with him, hell or high water. Its one of the things ive been begging her to try with me, as an attempt to try and salvage the marriage.
But she said she still cares for you and is still sexing you and kissing you for work. It just doesn't add up. Seems kinda fucked in the head. Maybe she should go get some counseling all by herself because her actions and her words aren't matching.
Thats what my friends think. I believe we both need counseling. At this point there is no way to fix this - not even with my grief-stricken mind's wildest rationalizations. Its over. Now the hard part is moving on.
edit: off to bed!
The reason why it isn't matching is because she is being a bitch bigger than the magnitude of ten suns. She thinks she can tear your heart out and then kiss it goodnight as it bleeds out in her hand. As someone said before, she thinks that if she is 'nice' to you (having sex with you!?!) she absolves herself of guilt. If she wasn't functionally retarded she would know that doing that is just going to make things a million times worse for you.
But she doesn't get all the blame. You need to realize that the person that you loved is not who they seemed. She does not deserve your love right now. She deserves your unmitigated fury. Fight back. Claim some self respect. Don't let her touch you, don't let her talk to you. Tell her you despise her and that she is a disgusting human being.
I don't think there's a necessary level of anger for a particular situation. Different people are different.
Whatever he feels, he just needs to be honest with himself and give himself time to work through these emotions and let the bereavement process happen naturally.
However, I do question very much the assumption that he moves out and she gets the house.
The one who wants to leave should leave. The one who's been left shouldn't have to.
I suggested it, but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to try and save the marriage. She wants to be with him, hell or high water. Its one of the things ive been begging her to try with me, as an attempt to try and salvage the marriage.
But she said she still cares for you and is still sexing you and kissing you for work. It just doesn't add up. Seems kinda fucked in the head. Maybe she should go get some counseling all by herself because her actions and her words aren't matching.
Makes sense to me, in a screwed up sort of way. 4.5 years is a long time to be with someone. She's always had him to rely on. Have nothing to do on a Friday night? Do something with the hubby. Need someone to talk to? Call the husband. Horny? Same deal. So now she's looking at divorce and getting into a relationship with a new dude and although she likes new dude, he is not as tied to her as Spherick was. Meaning he can up and break up with her if he feels like it with little to no trouble. So she's going from a secure relationship to a less secure one and it scares her so every so she oscillates between the two. She likes the new guy more but likes Spherick because he's a comfortable thing to have around. Screwed up, in a making sense sort of way.
I don't think there's a necessary level of anger for a particular situation. Different people are different.
Whatever he feels, he just needs to be honest with himself and give himself time to work through these emotions and let the bereavement process happen naturally.
However, I do question very much the assumption that he moves out and she gets the house.
The one who wants to leave should leave. The one who's been left shouldn't have to.
I'm just suggesting what I think will help him get out of there. He's got a huge problem, and that problem is not only currently in the next room, but has made it quite clear she doesn't want this situation fixed. I would think that would be a pretty epic roadblock to letting him deal with this naturally.
As for the moving bit, guy's stated several times he wouldn't have the money to keep the place up. However, considering his emotional attachment to the woman, even if he could afford it I wouldn't suggest staying there. Changing as much about his surroundings as he can within reason seems like the best thing to do.
I don't think there's a necessary level of anger for a particular situation. Different people are different.
Whatever he feels, he just needs to be honest with himself and give himself time to work through these emotions and let the bereavement process happen naturally.
However, I do question very much the assumption that he moves out and she gets the house.
The one who wants to leave should leave. The one who's been left shouldn't have to.
I'm just suggesting what I think will help him get out of there. He's got a huge problem, and that problem is not only currently in the next room, but has made it quite clear she doesn't want this situation fixed. I would think that would be a pretty epic roadblock to letting him deal with this naturally.
As for the moving bit, guy's stated several times he wouldn't have the money to keep the place up. However, considering his emotional attachment to the woman, even if he could afford it I wouldn't suggest staying there. Changing as much about his surroundings as he can within reason seems like the best thing to do.
I'm not saying that he should get the place, but that she should at least move out until things settle down.
At first I thought the way you were handling the situation was commendable but between the cuddling and the sex it really seems like you are just torturing yourself over someone who just isn't worth it. I don't necessarily think you need to be vindictive but you definitely need to start limiting contact with her. I know you are in the same house which makes it tough but continued interaction with her appears to be making things even more difficult for you.
All we seem to do is cry over each other and have fucked up sex (which has been put to a stop today).
Dude... *sigh*
You can't keep doing this to yourself man, you have to exert some kind of control over your emotions. Remember you should control them, not the other way around.
A buddy of mine that I used to work with actually caught his wife in bed with another man, and he was as calm as you seem to be on these forums. He didn't go berserk (I would not have anywhere near the amount of self control this guys has) and just walked over to the guy (one of his good friends if I remember correctly) and just said calmly "Get the fuck outta my house".
After the initial shock had settled a few days later his now ex-wife approached him for sex (This is where it gets funny). He looked at her real hard and simply said "Nah, looks like used goods to me".
So the whole point of my above anecdote was to illustrate that it is possible to have control over your emotions.
For your living situation, how do you feel about moving into a place that has room mates they set you up with? I do know that around there in that general area they have the Monticello Gardens. Look into it if you can, it should be affordable. It would only be temporary till you finish your degree.
Seriously. I know you're trying to deal with this amicably, and make it as clean a split as possible, but my god, if I was married, and I found out my wife was sleeping with someone else, that would be it. I'd never see her again.
You should be pissed, and you need to either get out, or get her out. Now.
Maybe take that ring and toss it in a river or something. Getting it off your finger (though painful) will probably be a good step in cementing the fact that it is over (for the better).
Spherick, I can tell you this right now: the path you are on right now will lead you to many years of living hell, of which you just caught a small glimpse of. I have been in your position, and trust me - you either man up, or you will just have yourself to blame for your continued misery.
You might not be angry, or hateful towards your spouse, but that doesnt change the fact that in order to be able to live a free and happy life, you have to cut yourself off from her. Even if it hurts her, you have to sever all contact with her, as means of self-preservation.
You seem to be unconciously hoping for reconcilliation, or trying to gain some sort of support through continued physical and emotional rapport with your ex-wife. This is the worst thing you could be doing, and it will fuck you up for good.
This is a big change in your life. And most people fear change, as it brings the unknown. You have to take that first step, and get as far away from her as you can (even if it is difficult for emotional and financial reasons). Not all change is bad. You seem to have put too much of your own life and wellbeing in the hands of someone who didnt deserve it, and it is time to explore the world without that limitation. You will find the way to happiness, sooner rather than later, you just have to take that first step.
I think you also might greatly benefit from counseling.
And as someone stated it before - get checked for STDs!
you may think she is trying to help you through these tough times by doing what she's doing, but she's really just trying to make the transition as easy as possible for herself and you need to start doing what's good for you. Don't let her control the situation.
KingMoo on
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I just got back from seeing about 5 apartment complexes and found a good one for cheap in a nice area. Its a little farther away from work/school, but also farther away from my ex-wife. I put down an application and should be moving in there within the week.
I took my ring off this morning and its still off. Not sure if ill destroy/sell it, but probably keep it in a box with all of our pictures.
I need to contact the counseling service at my school and see what they can hook me up with.
Still need to get the paperwork and divorce settled/as well as getting my name OFF the current lease and replaced with him.
Overall im hopeful, but terrified. So we will see where this takes me.
I just got back from seeing about 5 apartment complexes and found a good one for cheap in a nice area. Its a little farther away from work/school, but also farther away from my ex-wife. I put down an application and should be moving in there within the week.
I took my ring off this morning and its still off. Not sure if ill destroy/sell it, but probably keep it in a box with all of our pictures.
I need to contact the counseling service at my school and see what they can hook me up with.
Still need to get the paperwork and divorce settled/as well as getting my name OFF the current lease and replaced with him.
Overall im hopeful, but terrified. So we will see where this takes me.
nice work! Just don't get overwhelmed with all the changes in your life and you'll soon be looking back on all this as a stepping stone to a better life.
KingMoo on
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ShogunHair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get alongRegistered Userregular
edited September 2008
You're being proactive and its probably the best thing you can do during this situation. Try to stay as busy as you possibly can and stay focused solely on yourself.
Although everything reminds you of her now, over time the effect will fade. It's good you are continuing your course, otherwise you would really be kicking yourself 1 year down the line when the painful associations have faded and you realize how much money you could have made.
CelestialBadger on
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
edited September 2008
Good job.
This all sounds great, and you're really on the right track.
Don't forget to check and double-check anything involving paperwork at this stage. Proud of you for moving on.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
No, im not feeling revenge. As I said earlier I have too much anger in my life to let this consume me (and if I let it, it would).
Shes sleeping in a different room now, and im bringing my computer to the bedroom tomorrow (out computers are side by side).
Its still so difficult and sometimes I still breakdown. I really need to look for a place, but the thought of living alone terrifies me and the thought of living with a roommate is equally distasteful.
All we seem to do is cry over each other and have fucked up sex (which has been put to a stop today).
Its the most fucked up situation and shes terrified that shes making the wrong choice and doesn't know what to do with her life or what/who she wants.
She confessed that she no longer loves me, but still cares for me - which she actually haven't said before. It was quite the blow and I had significant problems breathing. We've been talking the past few days about some kind of reconciliation and my heart has been on a roller coaster of hope and subsequent despair.
I have no idea how to socialize anymore, I met her through school and all of my previous girlfriends the same way. Im claustrophobic, so have a hard time at clubs, and can't stand most people my age. She was perfect for me and I realized how lucky I was that I would never have to spend another day looking for the "one" like everyone else.
My current job sucks, but it'll be over in a month or so as its only an internship. I have a giant career fair this Thursday that will basically decide my future as the Tampa business scene is very close knit.
If I leave Tampa, I fear I will lose my support network of friends and end up eating a bullet or something. I have no concept of an afterlife, so I think that this life is all I have - so suicide is absolutely the last thing I want to do.
Finding an apartment was hard back when we found our current place - now it seems an insurmountable task. And I need to start a budget, but barely have the money to live here with her.
It just seems so bleak and everything, and we're not getting a lawyer. Easy court paperwork will be used and thats final.
I also tried taking my ring off earlier tonight and its comforting weight is something I have never realized before. It felt like taking it off was cutting my heart out physically and couldn't breathe at all. Im still wearing it and know that it isnt healthy.
I think im rambling now and will end this here. I might seek professional help - my school offers it for free with PhD candidates - kind of like free haircuts with stylist students.
I took my ring off this morning and its still off. Not sure if ill destroy/sell it, but probably keep it in a box with all of our pictures.
You're going to kill yourself if you don't get the fuck away from her. Sell that mother fucker and go party. Take a couple of other chicks out from the proceeds.
If the guy is moving THERE, maybe you'll get the chance to knock his lights out. Not that I'd suggest it, or anything, but that would be the one thing I'd do before it's all over. :P
i would still suggest getting a lawyer or atleast talking to one to find out what could go wrong. Things may seem OK now but something will come back to bight you in the ass if you don't cover your steps.
EDIT:
I’m a disbeliever in WoW relationships. I would bet that your ex will find out that this dude is not everything that she expected and will want to get back together with you some day. I have a feeling she knows this and wants to keep you on the hook if she ever changes her mind. Run while you can because if/when that day comes you want to be able, in good conscience, to say to yourself that she’s not good enough for you and are better off without her.
KingMoo on
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i would still suggest getting a lawyer or atleast talking to one to find out what could go wrong. Things may seem OK now but something will come back to bight you in the ass if you don't cover your steps.
EDIT:
I’m a disbeliever in WoW relationships. I would bet that your ex will find out that this dude is not everything that she expected and will want to get back together with you some day. I have a feeling she knows this and wants to keep you on the hook if she ever changes her mind. Run while you can because if/when that day comes you want to be able, in good conscience, to say to yourself that she’s not good enough for you and are better off without her.
I have spoken with a lawyer (for free - friend of my moms) who told me what COULD go wrong. That can only happen if she gets a lawyer first and really tries to fuck me over. At this point, she can't afford a lawyer nor will her parents/friends likely forward her the cash for said lawyer. We've spoken at length and I know that most of you believe she would easily lie about this - she maintains that she will not lawyer up as we both know what happens when that happens and nobody wins (except the lawyers)
Im pretty sure you are right KingMoo, she is trying to keep me as a "back-up" in case this relationship falls on its face. Recognizing this, im getting the fuck out ASAP and actually signing the lease to the new place tomorrow. I will begin moving this weekend and be gone by then hopefully. Well see how it goes over the next few days. Gonna need to make a list of things to buy that she is keeping (incidentals like an ironing board, iron, coffee table, paper towels, shower curtain, etc) as well as finish up all this paperwork bullshit.
Im already feeling better about my life with the prospect of a new place for my kitty and I (im keeping her) and hopefully I can start to come out of my shell in a few months and start dating again. Hell, I can even take a trip to Germany this summer without worrying about my wife cheating on me!
she is trying to keep me as a "back-up" in case this relationship falls on its face.
in case this relationship falls on its face.
in case
I think the general consensus of this thread is that it's not an "in case" situation, it's a "IT WILL HAPPEN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" situation. I just want to throw in more support for you to stay away from her. You're doing really good! Keep up the good work~!
I am also interested in how WOW causes people to cheat on their significant others. Is anyone going to start a thread on that?
I think since WoW has like 10 million subscribers and its fairly widespread its become the new "dating scene" like those websites. Only in here you can kill giants gods and are encouraged to get a group of 10-25 ppl together for 10-20 hours a week to raid. Lots of downtime between pulls = lots of time spent talking. Shit happens and people become friends, sometimes more.
I think since WoW has like 10 million subscribers and its fairly widespread its become the new "dating scene" like those websites. Only in here you can kill giants gods and are encouraged to get a group of 10-25 ppl together for 10-20 hours a week to raid. Lots of downtime between pulls = lots of time spent talking. Shit happens and people become friends, sometimes more.
the numbers don't really matter... the time and investment do.
Just like "some" people start getting attracted to co workers, especially when they start working long hours... same happens in online games. The cheating part is not "caused" by the game, but it will foster situations that can bring that behavior out. If 2 people play an MMO, and one is very much into it, and the other only semi interested.. the mechanics of the game will soon drive them apart. While the one is dawdling about int he noob areas and eventually the mid level content, the other will be advancing through the levels and gear. And if there is one thing an MMO is good at... it's making sure that anything you got before one point is obsolete shortly thereafter.
So the "in to it" person will be spending more and more time with the other people... in a game like WoW... that will also generally mean time in vent, private messages, getting help with quests, supplies, gear, raid stragegies, etc.
Also, much like a job.. there are people with positions of power and influence... granted these are all debatable (as it's only in game), but within the confines of that system... it still counts. And as it has been seen many times, power attracts... sometimes just on the merit that person/player A is in a position of power and is therefore more appealing.. sometimes jsut because person A can get you sparkly things you want.
This isn't even getting into the whole "this person truly understands me" deal that can happen when they are only dealing with a sliver of a personality. MMO's are like the used car salesmen of personalities... you really gotta look deep and kick the tires to make sure you aren't dealing with a lemon, but lots of people are dumb and just look at the fresh wax job, fork over the cash, and drive away.... so to speak.
To the OP.. sorry to hear about this all... I was going to post much earlier since I've gone through similar (but she cheated/left for someone else int he service, not in an MMO)... but there's been some good advice here, s just know you have a lot of peoples sympathies (including mine) for getting launched into such a crappy situation.
Make sure that after all is said and done, you change your emails/phone number/etc.
Like others were saying, her new thing wont work. It wont. And she'll try to run back to you, so make sure she has no way to contact you after the divorce is done.
Yeah, im looking at changing phone providers as I want to buy myself a shiny, new iPhone as a present to myself. Might look into changing numbers at that time.
However, she knows my school email (which I cant change) and my parents number amongst other peoples numbers, so if she wanted to - she could easily get back into contact with me.
she is trying to keep me as a "back-up" in case this relationship falls on its face.
in case this relationship falls on its face.
in case
I think the general consensus of this thread is that it's not an "in case" situation, it's a "IT WILL HAPPEN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" situation. I just want to throw in more support for you to stay away from her. You're doing really good! Keep up the good work~!
I am also interested in how WOW causes people to cheat on their significant others. Is anyone going to start a thread on that?
I think it's more the Internet than WoW specifically. Just the whole environment of being able to reinvent yourself, only ever show your best side and use as much time as necessary to craft your responses. That can make some people pretty damn attractive. But no D&D here.
Edit: Can you block her contact with your school email provider? I know school emails don't usually have a lot of features to them. Just delete her stuff without reading it, you won't get anything from them. Either sadness, pity or anger and none really help you.
About your ring, maybe do what other people have suggested in the face of long-term relationship break ups. That is, jam it and all the small stuff that reminds you of her in a box and either have a friend keep it in their closet or if you've got room in your new place, somewhere mildly inconvenient to get to.
Yeah, im looking at changing phone providers as I want to buy myself a shiny, new iPhone as a present to myself. Might look into changing numbers at that time.
However, she knows my school email (which I cant change) and my parents number amongst other peoples numbers, so if she wanted to - she could easily get back into contact with me.
i wouldn't worry about trying to cut off all forms of contact. Hell, if she does try to get back with you and you say "hell no" then it will only aid the healing process.
KingMoo on
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Blacklist her email address, and I imagine your parents and friends will just assume you don't want to hear if she tried to get you at one of their numbers.
My parents said that they would let me move back in until the end of december (so for 3 months) and that I could live there bill free pretty much. They would pay for me to put my furniture and stuff in storage. This would save me around $800 a month if not more because they cook too.
However, my parents live about an hour from school, but work is on the way to school from my parents.
I just dont know if I want to move in there at this point in time, it would be a drastic change as I havent lived with my parents in almost 5 years. I've grown accustomed to living on my own/with my wife.
But $800 is alot of money, ideas?
Also, if I move in with the parents, not sure I could bring the kitty as they have 3 dogs who are nuts.
Spherick on
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MichaelLCIn what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered Userregular
edited September 2008
Obvioulsy the solution is to get the kitty their own place. It's clearly what they want.
Otherwise, it really depends on your relationship with your P's. Yeah, the $ savings is good, but are they going to cause you more misery by wither bringing everything up or trying to "help you heal" all the time? If it gets you out of your place sooner, I might go for it, but only if you're looking for a new pad right away. Can anyone else hold the cat until you move out?
MichaelLC on
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mojojoeoA block off the park, living the dream.Registered Userregular
edited September 2008
Your story is mine exactly. I mean exactly. Same game, same thing happened. But I have two plus years removed from my divorce.
I think in this day and age women who want to find other new men are a Wow, an IM, a Myspace, away at any second. If the girl in question has 'sluttier tendencies,' There's no hope for her in the internet age. Most wow guys are intraverted a little. They see girl they can talk to ( "you like nerd stuff too?" ) AND they come on strong.
By law, if you did not give her the ring on her birthday or a holiday (then its a gift), it is legally yours. TAKE IT. It was given on fufillment of a legal contract (marragie) and she broke it, you legally get it back.
I know it is hard now, it will be for quite a while. You need massive distance. Don't keep any sort of contact. It will only lead to heartache, and backslides. BACKSLIDING will mess up your healing. Sounds goofy but its true. Workout. I lost about 50lbs from the grieving and workingout. Jump servers. Go out in real life with new people/old friends. Work on your career. Did you date much (many different people) before you were married?
Its been two years for me. I rarely almost never think about it, make twice as much money, and have a better looking girl that loves me.
Good news: There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Bad news : The tunnel is time. It will take some to get to the light.
PM me if you wish- I literally know exactly what you are going through.
mojojoeo on
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Thats what my friends think. I believe we both need counseling. At this point there is no way to fix this - not even with my grief-stricken mind's wildest rationalizations. Its over. Now the hard part is moving on.
edit: off to bed!
You should be far angrier than you are now. I'm not suggesting you be violent. I'm suggesting you get mad. After you learned of all this, that should have been the end right there. No cuddling, no comforting, and certainly no sex (seriously, what the hell?)
Anger is normal in a situation like this. Hell, this should be fury of 10,000 suns level rage, here. You need it to overtake your doubt, your remaining feelings for her. No, you cannot command yourself to fall out of love, but you can use anger to dull it or blind yourself to it when you need to.
Don't let your feelings keep you in a bad situation. Don't be afraid of moving out and being alone, but keep your friends close. I'll echo the suggestions of asking friends in the area to let you stay with them for awhile. Take the ring off and dispose of it. Melt it, pawn it, throw it in the ocean. Whatever. Get rid of it.
Get mad. Get out.
Also she is being a terrible fucking human being right now. Realise this.
https://medium.com/@alascii
The reason why it isn't matching is because she is being a bitch bigger than the magnitude of ten suns. She thinks she can tear your heart out and then kiss it goodnight as it bleeds out in her hand. As someone said before, she thinks that if she is 'nice' to you (having sex with you!?!) she absolves herself of guilt. If she wasn't functionally retarded she would know that doing that is just going to make things a million times worse for you.
But she doesn't get all the blame. You need to realize that the person that you loved is not who they seemed. She does not deserve your love right now. She deserves your unmitigated fury. Fight back. Claim some self respect. Don't let her touch you, don't let her talk to you. Tell her you despise her and that she is a disgusting human being.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Whatever he feels, he just needs to be honest with himself and give himself time to work through these emotions and let the bereavement process happen naturally.
However, I do question very much the assumption that he moves out and she gets the house.
The one who wants to leave should leave. The one who's been left shouldn't have to.
Makes sense to me, in a screwed up sort of way. 4.5 years is a long time to be with someone. She's always had him to rely on. Have nothing to do on a Friday night? Do something with the hubby. Need someone to talk to? Call the husband. Horny? Same deal. So now she's looking at divorce and getting into a relationship with a new dude and although she likes new dude, he is not as tied to her as Spherick was. Meaning he can up and break up with her if he feels like it with little to no trouble. So she's going from a secure relationship to a less secure one and it scares her so every so she oscillates between the two. She likes the new guy more but likes Spherick because he's a comfortable thing to have around. Screwed up, in a making sense sort of way.
I'm just suggesting what I think will help him get out of there. He's got a huge problem, and that problem is not only currently in the next room, but has made it quite clear she doesn't want this situation fixed. I would think that would be a pretty epic roadblock to letting him deal with this naturally.
As for the moving bit, guy's stated several times he wouldn't have the money to keep the place up. However, considering his emotional attachment to the woman, even if he could afford it I wouldn't suggest staying there. Changing as much about his surroundings as he can within reason seems like the best thing to do.
I'm not saying that he should get the place, but that she should at least move out until things settle down.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Dude... *sigh*
You can't keep doing this to yourself man, you have to exert some kind of control over your emotions. Remember you should control them, not the other way around.
A buddy of mine that I used to work with actually caught his wife in bed with another man, and he was as calm as you seem to be on these forums. He didn't go berserk (I would not have anywhere near the amount of self control this guys has) and just walked over to the guy (one of his good friends if I remember correctly) and just said calmly "Get the fuck outta my house".
After the initial shock had settled a few days later his now ex-wife approached him for sex (This is where it gets funny). He looked at her real hard and simply said "Nah, looks like used goods to me".
So the whole point of my above anecdote was to illustrate that it is possible to have control over your emotions.
Seriously. I know you're trying to deal with this amicably, and make it as clean a split as possible, but my god, if I was married, and I found out my wife was sleeping with someone else, that would be it. I'd never see her again.
You should be pissed, and you need to either get out, or get her out. Now.
You might not be angry, or hateful towards your spouse, but that doesnt change the fact that in order to be able to live a free and happy life, you have to cut yourself off from her. Even if it hurts her, you have to sever all contact with her, as means of self-preservation.
You seem to be unconciously hoping for reconcilliation, or trying to gain some sort of support through continued physical and emotional rapport with your ex-wife. This is the worst thing you could be doing, and it will fuck you up for good.
This is a big change in your life. And most people fear change, as it brings the unknown. You have to take that first step, and get as far away from her as you can (even if it is difficult for emotional and financial reasons). Not all change is bad. You seem to have put too much of your own life and wellbeing in the hands of someone who didnt deserve it, and it is time to explore the world without that limitation. You will find the way to happiness, sooner rather than later, you just have to take that first step.
I think you also might greatly benefit from counseling.
And as someone stated it before - get checked for STDs!
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of doom
I just got back from seeing about 5 apartment complexes and found a good one for cheap in a nice area. Its a little farther away from work/school, but also farther away from my ex-wife. I put down an application and should be moving in there within the week.
I took my ring off this morning and its still off. Not sure if ill destroy/sell it, but probably keep it in a box with all of our pictures.
I need to contact the counseling service at my school and see what they can hook me up with.
Still need to get the paperwork and divorce settled/as well as getting my name OFF the current lease and replaced with him.
Overall im hopeful, but terrified. So we will see where this takes me.
nice work! Just don't get overwhelmed with all the changes in your life and you'll soon be looking back on all this as a stepping stone to a better life.
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of doom
Shogun Streams Vidya
Although everything reminds you of her now, over time the effect will fade. It's good you are continuing your course, otherwise you would really be kicking yourself 1 year down the line when the painful associations have faded and you realize how much money you could have made.
This all sounds great, and you're really on the right track.
Don't forget to check and double-check anything involving paperwork at this stage. Proud of you for moving on.
You're going to kill yourself if you don't get the fuck away from her. Sell that mother fucker and go party. Take a couple of other chicks out from the proceeds.
If the guy is moving THERE, maybe you'll get the chance to knock his lights out. Not that I'd suggest it, or anything, but that would be the one thing I'd do before it's all over. :P
EDIT:
I’m a disbeliever in WoW relationships. I would bet that your ex will find out that this dude is not everything that she expected and will want to get back together with you some day. I have a feeling she knows this and wants to keep you on the hook if she ever changes her mind. Run while you can because if/when that day comes you want to be able, in good conscience, to say to yourself that she’s not good enough for you and are better off without her.
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of doom
I have spoken with a lawyer (for free - friend of my moms) who told me what COULD go wrong. That can only happen if she gets a lawyer first and really tries to fuck me over. At this point, she can't afford a lawyer nor will her parents/friends likely forward her the cash for said lawyer. We've spoken at length and I know that most of you believe she would easily lie about this - she maintains that she will not lawyer up as we both know what happens when that happens and nobody wins (except the lawyers)
Im pretty sure you are right KingMoo, she is trying to keep me as a "back-up" in case this relationship falls on its face. Recognizing this, im getting the fuck out ASAP and actually signing the lease to the new place tomorrow. I will begin moving this weekend and be gone by then hopefully. Well see how it goes over the next few days. Gonna need to make a list of things to buy that she is keeping (incidentals like an ironing board, iron, coffee table, paper towels, shower curtain, etc) as well as finish up all this paperwork bullshit.
Im already feeling better about my life with the prospect of a new place for my kitty and I (im keeping her) and hopefully I can start to come out of my shell in a few months and start dating again. Hell, I can even take a trip to Germany this summer without worrying about my wife cheating on me!
I think the general consensus of this thread is that it's not an "in case" situation, it's a "IT WILL HAPPEN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" situation. I just want to throw in more support for you to stay away from her. You're doing really good! Keep up the good work~!
I am also interested in how WOW causes people to cheat on their significant others. Is anyone going to start a thread on that?
the numbers don't really matter... the time and investment do.
Just like "some" people start getting attracted to co workers, especially when they start working long hours... same happens in online games. The cheating part is not "caused" by the game, but it will foster situations that can bring that behavior out. If 2 people play an MMO, and one is very much into it, and the other only semi interested.. the mechanics of the game will soon drive them apart. While the one is dawdling about int he noob areas and eventually the mid level content, the other will be advancing through the levels and gear. And if there is one thing an MMO is good at... it's making sure that anything you got before one point is obsolete shortly thereafter.
So the "in to it" person will be spending more and more time with the other people... in a game like WoW... that will also generally mean time in vent, private messages, getting help with quests, supplies, gear, raid stragegies, etc.
Also, much like a job.. there are people with positions of power and influence... granted these are all debatable (as it's only in game), but within the confines of that system... it still counts. And as it has been seen many times, power attracts... sometimes just on the merit that person/player A is in a position of power and is therefore more appealing.. sometimes jsut because person A can get you sparkly things you want.
This isn't even getting into the whole "this person truly understands me" deal that can happen when they are only dealing with a sliver of a personality. MMO's are like the used car salesmen of personalities... you really gotta look deep and kick the tires to make sure you aren't dealing with a lemon, but lots of people are dumb and just look at the fresh wax job, fork over the cash, and drive away.... so to speak.
To the OP.. sorry to hear about this all... I was going to post much earlier since I've gone through similar (but she cheated/left for someone else int he service, not in an MMO)... but there's been some good advice here, s just know you have a lot of peoples sympathies (including mine) for getting launched into such a crappy situation.
Like others were saying, her new thing wont work. It wont. And she'll try to run back to you, so make sure she has no way to contact you after the divorce is done.
Might seem obvious, but many don't think of that.
However, she knows my school email (which I cant change) and my parents number amongst other peoples numbers, so if she wanted to - she could easily get back into contact with me.
I think it's more the Internet than WoW specifically. Just the whole environment of being able to reinvent yourself, only ever show your best side and use as much time as necessary to craft your responses. That can make some people pretty damn attractive. But no D&D here.
Edit: Can you block her contact with your school email provider? I know school emails don't usually have a lot of features to them. Just delete her stuff without reading it, you won't get anything from them. Either sadness, pity or anger and none really help you.
About your ring, maybe do what other people have suggested in the face of long-term relationship break ups. That is, jam it and all the small stuff that reminds you of her in a box and either have a friend keep it in their closet or if you've got room in your new place, somewhere mildly inconvenient to get to.
i wouldn't worry about trying to cut off all forms of contact. Hell, if she does try to get back with you and you say "hell no" then it will only aid the healing process.
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of doom
This is the right attitude. New Iphone, new place for you and your kitty. Things are looking up. I advise keeping this attitude.
but they're listening to every word I say
My parents said that they would let me move back in until the end of december (so for 3 months) and that I could live there bill free pretty much. They would pay for me to put my furniture and stuff in storage. This would save me around $800 a month if not more because they cook too.
However, my parents live about an hour from school, but work is on the way to school from my parents.
I just dont know if I want to move in there at this point in time, it would be a drastic change as I havent lived with my parents in almost 5 years. I've grown accustomed to living on my own/with my wife.
But $800 is alot of money, ideas?
Also, if I move in with the parents, not sure I could bring the kitty as they have 3 dogs who are nuts.
Otherwise, it really depends on your relationship with your P's. Yeah, the $ savings is good, but are they going to cause you more misery by wither bringing everything up or trying to "help you heal" all the time? If it gets you out of your place sooner, I might go for it, but only if you're looking for a new pad right away. Can anyone else hold the cat until you move out?
I think in this day and age women who want to find other new men are a Wow, an IM, a Myspace, away at any second. If the girl in question has 'sluttier tendencies,' There's no hope for her in the internet age. Most wow guys are intraverted a little. They see girl they can talk to ( "you like nerd stuff too?" ) AND they come on strong.
By law, if you did not give her the ring on her birthday or a holiday (then its a gift), it is legally yours. TAKE IT. It was given on fufillment of a legal contract (marragie) and she broke it, you legally get it back.
I know it is hard now, it will be for quite a while. You need massive distance. Don't keep any sort of contact. It will only lead to heartache, and backslides. BACKSLIDING will mess up your healing. Sounds goofy but its true. Workout. I lost about 50lbs from the grieving and workingout. Jump servers. Go out in real life with new people/old friends. Work on your career. Did you date much (many different people) before you were married?
Its been two years for me. I rarely almost never think about it, make twice as much money, and have a better looking girl that loves me.
Good news: There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Bad news : The tunnel is time. It will take some to get to the light.
PM me if you wish- I literally know exactly what you are going through.