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Another girl thread! [UPDATE: Now with picture!]

naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
edited November 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
So, to break from some of the strife in H/A girl threads lately, here is a bit of a happier situation.

I've found a great lady, a very clever, whimsical, humorous, and patient British ex-pat, and somehow managed to trick her into liking me. Huzzah! I'll be proposing before too long, and that's the purpose of this thread.

Long ago, her grandmother was something of a "scarlet woman": she left her husband, a naval officer (and apparent abuser), during the middle of WWII. Through a series of amusing events, she ended up shacking up with a man who was -- I believe -- a bigamist. I may be wrong. Regardless of the reason, however, they never married. Rather than have her village think she was a tramp, she bought a dummy wedding ring, with little fake stones in it, and wore it until she died a few years ago.

Now, my girlfriend loved her grandmother (as well as this story!), and when she passed away, my girlfriend inherited her jewelry...including this fake wedding ring, which she wears on occasion, and loves dearly. I was thinking of using this ring as our engagement ring; it is handsome and tasteful, and generally quite nice looking. Is this a good plan? My main concern is that it would come across as an attempt to avoid spending the scratch on a "real" ring.

I'm not sure how much is altogether relevant, but here is some further information. We are both in our early 30s, with decent careers (her with the BC Ministry of Tourism, me developing software for a medical research group). She has been married once, but this will be my first.
  • Is it acceptable to use this ring as an engagement ring?
  • If so, should I have the fake stones replaced with real ones?
  • Should I talk to her about all this, or should I simply take the ring when next I visit, have it cleaned, and propose?

UPDATE: Went with the grandma's original ring, after finding out that the stones were in fact real on it. Picture HERE.

naporeon on

Posts

  • SpherickSpherick Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    naporeon wrote: »
    So, to break from some of the strife in H/A girl threads lately, here is a bit of a happier situation.

    I've found a great lady, a very clever, whimsical, humorous, and patient British ex-pat, and somehow managed to trick her into liking me. Huzzah! I'll be proposing before too long, and that's the purpose of this thread.

    Long ago, her grandmother was something of a "scarlet woman": she left her husband, a naval officer (and apparent abuser), during the middle of WWII. Through a series of amusing events, she ended up shacking up with a man who was -- I believe -- a bigamist. I may be wrong. Regardless of the reason, however, they never married. Rather than have her village think she was a tramp, she bought a dummy wedding ring, with little fake stones in it, and wore it until she died a few years ago.

    Now, my girlfriend loved her grandmother (as well as this story!), and when she passed away, my girlfriend inherited her jewelry...including this fake wedding ring, which she wears on occasion, and loves dearly. I was thinking of using this ring as our engagement ring; it is handsome and tasteful, and generally quite nice looking. Is this a good plan? My main concern is that it would come across as an attempt to avoid spending the scratch on a "real" ring.

    I'm not sure how much is altogether relevant, but here is some further information. We are both in our early 30s, with decent careers (her with the BC Ministry of Tourism, me developing software for a medical research group). She has been married once, but this will be my first.
    • Is it acceptable to use this ring as an engagement ring?
    • If so, should I have the fake stones replaced with real ones?
    • Should I talk to her about all this, or should I simply take the ring when next I visit, have it cleaned, and propose?

    1. As long as she loves the history behind the ring and so do you, and you both feel that the ring signifies your love for each other, then I see no reason why you can't use that ring. Hell, I proposed to my ex-wife with a ring pop and she still has it to this day actually out of the happy memories.

    2. If you do use the ring, leave it as is - to give it real stones takes away the history of it.

    3. I would say talk to her about it - after all shes going to be wearing this ring, not you.

    Overall, I would say use the 'dummy' ring as an engagement ring, then spend some real scratch on the wedding ring. Not too much - dont believe this 3 month salary bullshit you hear nowadays. My ex-wifes ring cost $400 from Zales.com when they had one of there sales they have every few days.

    Spherick on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited September 2008
    Their marriage was a fake; yours will not be.

    Is the ring real gold? If it was I'd say have the stones replaced, but the thing is that this could detract from the sentimental value of the ring, and that's a dangerous business.

    I would do this: Take a picture of the ring (or the ring itself if you can get a hold of it) to a good jeweler (a real one) who knows his stuff and have him make you a "real" replica, with nice stones. She can wear both, and make people guess which is the real one. ;)

    It will make for a nice story that is less likely to diminish the first story.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Spherick wrote: »
    1. As long as she loves the history behind the ring and so do you, and you both feel that the ring signifies your love for each other, then I see no reason why you can't use that ring. Hell, I proposed to my ex-wife with a ring pop and she still has it to this day actually out of the happy memories.

    2. If you do use the ring, leave it as is - to give it real stones takes away the history of it.

    3. I would say talk to her about it - after all shes going to be wearing this ring, not you.

    Overall, I would say use the 'dummy' ring as an engagement ring, then spend some real scratch on the wedding ring. Not too much - dont believe this 3 month salary bullshit you hear nowadays. My ex-wifes ring cost $400 from Zales.com when they had one of there sales they have every few days.
    Yeah, my friend pretty much suggested the same thing: propose with the "dummy" ring, then buy a nice wedding ring. I think I'm leaning toward this at the moment.

    And I'm with you on item 2; I feel that changing the stones completely changes the ring, even if they were nearly identical cuts. I just wanted to float that idea.

    naporeon on
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    I would do this: Take a picture of the ring (or the ring itself if you can get a hold of it) to a good jeweler (a real one) who knows his stuff and have him make you a "real" replica, with nice stones. She can wear both, and make people guess which is the real one. ;)

    It will make for a nice story that is less likely to diminish the first story.
    Wow. That is a great idea.

    Also yes, the ring is real gold. Solid, even. Only the stones are fake.

    naporeon on
  • SpherickSpherick Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    ceres has a good idea.

    Might be hard making an exact replica of the ring. However, I still say use the dummy if you want and then spend the real money on the actual wedding ring.

    Then again when I got married I was a poor college kid and didnt see the real signifigance of an engagement ring.

    Spherick on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited September 2008
    You might consider taking in a picture if you go with that, because I can't imagine the freak-out that would occur if I went looking for my grandmother's ring and couldn't find it. :P It's better to bring in the actual ring because a good jeweler can make it really exact, but only if you know she won't look for it for a little while.

    edit: and if you take the picture, post it, because I want to see. :D

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I think you're fantastic for even trying to include her family history in your proposal, so good job! That being said, I agree that proposing with Grandma's ring and then having one of your own made to commemorate your special moment is the way to go. That way she can feel connected to both you and her past.

    I'm unsure about the mimicing of the ring, you need to be absolutely sure that she doesn't have her heart set on a traditional engagement ring before you do that. Remember that she will be wearing this for the rest of her life and that questions about a non-traditional ring may irritate her after some time. That being said, good luck and congrats!

    Usagi on
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    You might consider taking in a picture if you go with that, because I can't imagine the freak-out that would occur if I went looking for my grandmother's ring and couldn't find it. :P It's better to bring in the actual ring because a good jeweler can make it really exact, but only if you know she won't look for it for a little while.

    edit: and if you take the picture, post it, because I want to see. :D
    Heh. Oh, I'll post a picture. Don't you worry.

    No matter what I do, I will be taking the ring; it could use a nice cleaning, and even if the stones aren't replaced, I imagine that the setting could do with some maintenance. I was planning to leave a small note in it's place in her jewelry box, saying something to the effect of, "Don't worry, I've just stepped out for a bit. Back before too long."

    naporeon on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited September 2008
    naporeon wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    You might consider taking in a picture if you go with that, because I can't imagine the freak-out that would occur if I went looking for my grandmother's ring and couldn't find it. :P It's better to bring in the actual ring because a good jeweler can make it really exact, but only if you know she won't look for it for a little while.

    edit: and if you take the picture, post it, because I want to see. :D
    Heh. Oh, I'll post a picture. Don't you worry.

    No matter what I do, I will be taking the ring; it could use a nice cleaning, and even if the stones aren't replaced, I imagine that the setting could do with some maintenance. I was planning to leave a small note in it's place in her jewelry box, saying something to the effect of, "Don't worry, I've just stepped out for a bit. Back before too long."
    Cute. :)

    One thing you could do is take her to dinner, open the dummy, and say "Here, I had this cleaned for you as a surprise! *shit-eating grin* Oh, by the way... *pull out second box*"

    If there are scratches in the gold and stuff, I wouldn't work too hard to buff those out. They can add to the character of the ring. A simple cleaning should be perfect. :D

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • SpherickSpherick Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    naporeon wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    You might consider taking in a picture if you go with that, because I can't imagine the freak-out that would occur if I went looking for my grandmother's ring and couldn't find it. :P It's better to bring in the actual ring because a good jeweler can make it really exact, but only if you know she won't look for it for a little while.

    edit: and if you take the picture, post it, because I want to see. :D
    Heh. Oh, I'll post a picture. Don't you worry.

    No matter what I do, I will be taking the ring; it could use a nice cleaning, and even if the stones aren't replaced, I imagine that the setting could do with some maintenance. I was planning to leave a small note in it's place in her jewelry box, saying something to the effect of, "Don't worry, I've just stepped out for a bit. Back before too long."
    Cute. :)

    One thing you could do is take her to dinner, open the dummy, and say "Here, I had this cleaned for you as a surprise! *shit-eating grin* Oh, by the way... *pull out second box*"

    If there are scratches in the gold and stuff, I wouldn't work too hard to buff those out. They can add to the character of the ring. A simple cleaning should be perfect. :D

    Imagining this, this sounds fantastic. Or just hand her back the one cleaned, but pull it out of your pocket in a box, then get on one knee. That would be amazing.

    Spherick on
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    naporeon wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    You might consider taking in a picture if you go with that, because I can't imagine the freak-out that would occur if I went looking for my grandmother's ring and couldn't find it. :P It's better to bring in the actual ring because a good jeweler can make it really exact, but only if you know she won't look for it for a little while.

    edit: and if you take the picture, post it, because I want to see. :D
    Heh. Oh, I'll post a picture. Don't you worry.

    No matter what I do, I will be taking the ring; it could use a nice cleaning, and even if the stones aren't replaced, I imagine that the setting could do with some maintenance. I was planning to leave a small note in it's place in her jewelry box, saying something to the effect of, "Don't worry, I've just stepped out for a bit. Back before too long."
    Cute. :)

    One thing you could do is take her to dinner, open the dummy, and say "Here, I had this cleaned for you as a surprise! *shit-eating grin* Oh, by the way... *pull out second box*"

    If there are scratches in the gold and stuff, I wouldn't work too hard to buff those out. They can add to the character of the ring. A simple cleaning should be perfect. :D
    I agree 100% on the "character" thing. Outside of possibly replacing the stones (which I am virtually certain I won't do), I only intend to have it cleaned and the settings tightened. Its history is what makes it special, and buffing out the normal wear of the ring would definitely detract from that.

    Thanks for all the advice, guys, especially you, ceres! I am really liking the replica idea.

    naporeon on
  • CooterTKECooterTKE Registered User
    edited September 2008
    i would say plan to use the ring as the wedding band. get a hold of the ring and go find a nice engagment ring that would match well with it.

    CooterTKE on
  • starmanbrandstarmanbrand Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I'll play devil's advocate-

    Why get her a ring she already has? I mean, sure its a cute idea...But it just seems that getting her a beautiful ring that is unique between the TWO OF YOU is more important than trying to replicate a ring she already has that is important to her for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

    I would be for this idea if you had gotten her a cheap ring and then wanted to upgrade it so that it looked near the same but was just much nicer. But this is a family thing for her, not a husband thing.

    That way she can have a beautiful ring from you that you picked out because you knew she'd love it and it would suit her perfectly rather than just trying to attain some of the adoration that she shares for her grandma.

    starmanbrand on
    camo_sig2.png
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2008
    Here's the trick.

    Buy her a pimp ass engagement ring and then the wedding ring/band can be whatever you two want.

    Ceres also has a sweet idea.

    Sheep on
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I'll play devil's advocate-

    Why get her a ring she already has? I mean, sure its a cute idea...But it just seems that getting her a beautiful ring that is unique between the TWO OF YOU is more important than trying to replicate a ring she already has that is important to her for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

    I would be for this idea if you had gotten her a cheap ring and then wanted to upgrade it so that it looked near the same but was just much nicer. But this is a family thing for her, not a husband thing.

    That way she can have a beautiful ring from you that you picked out because you knew she'd love it and it would suit her perfectly rather than just trying to attain some of the adoration that she shares for her grandma.
    Being very much a "devil's advocate" sort of fellow, I appreciate your advice, but perhaps I should've been clearer.

    She will absolutely love the idea of wearing the same ring, whether it is literally the same, or a custom replica with real stones. I know her well enough to know that she will find that totally enchanting. It's really not a matter of piggybacking on her affection for her grandmother. It's more to do with making a colorful, cherished part of her grandmother's history part of her -- and our -- history as well.

    No, my main reason for soliciting advice was to determine whether simply using the original ring, unaltered, would be perceived as "cheap", or something similar. I no longer worry that it would. As I see it, my best options are the ones put forward by Spherick and ceres.

    Oh, and determining whether I should tell her what I'm doing ahead of time, or surprise her. Still up in the air on that one.

    naporeon on
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Could you just buy her an engagement ring and then use her grandmother's ring as the wedding band?

    Edit: Beated, thats what I get for reading the entire thread and posting without refreshing.

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    Could you just buy her an engagement ring and then use her grandmother's ring as the wedding band?

    Edit: Beated, thats what I get for reading the entire thread and posting without refreshing.
    I think I'm leaning toward ceres' idea of having a replica made with real stones. It just seems sort of, I don't know...right.

    As for your suggestion, I think I like the reverse idea better. Namely, using her grandmother's ring as the engagement ring, and buying a very nice wedding band.

    naporeon on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited September 2008
    I love the idea of getting a copy of the ring made with real stones. The only problem with using the same ring is that a lot of low-quality fake stones are just not very hard and can chip with daily wear, but replacing the stones in the ring would probably mess up the sentimental value. A copy wouldn't have that problem; plus, you could pass the original on to your daughter if the two of you have kids.

    Also, the two-rings-proposal idea is too cute for words.

    Trowizilla on
  • FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I proposed recently.

    Here's what I did. Similarly - I was unsure. In my case it was more that I knew my fiance' would love me taking her ring shopping. So I got my grandmother's ring from my mum. I proposed with that ring and said that it was a temporary thing, and that we'd go together to get hers.

    She really loved it - she said like she felt that she had 2 rings. My Grandmother's ring meant a great deal to her because of the family history, AND she also got to go shopping with me.

    My suggestion might be to propose with the ring, because you know how special it is, and then suggest either keeping it (replacing the diamonds) or getting something new just for her.

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Seattle?Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Just the idea of you getting hitched is fucking awesome news.

    Seattle Thread on
    kofz2amsvqm3.png
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Sorry to necropost, but I know that lots of folks here like to get the happy ending girl threads, along with the bad.

    Earlier this afternoon, I proposed to the woman mentioned above. She tearfully accepted.

    I used her grandmother's ring. :D

    naporeon on
  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    naporeon wrote: »
    Sorry to necropost, but I know that lots of folks here like to get the happy ending girl threads, along with the bad.

    Earlier this afternoon, I proposed to the woman mentioned above. She tearfully accepted.

    I used her grandmother's ring. :D

    Wait, does that mean you went with the two ring proposal or just cleaned the original or what??

    Congratulations!

    Underdog on
  • The Green Eyed MonsterThe Green Eyed Monster i blame hip hop Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    naporeon wrote: »
    Sorry to necropost, but I know that lots of folks here like to get the happy ending girl threads, along with the bad.

    Earlier this afternoon, I proposed to the woman mentioned above. She tearfully accepted.

    I used her grandmother's ring. :D
    Congrats.

    The Green Eyed Monster on
    wisdom wrote:
    if knowledge is power and power corrupts, be smart, be evil
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Underdog wrote: »
    naporeon wrote: »
    Sorry to necropost, but I know that lots of folks here like to get the happy ending girl threads, along with the bad.

    Earlier this afternoon, I proposed to the woman mentioned above. She tearfully accepted.

    I used her grandmother's ring. :D

    Wait, does that mean you went with the two ring proposal or just cleaned the original or what??

    Congratulations!
    Cleaned (and resized) the original.

    naporeon on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited November 2008
    Glad to hear it, congratulations! :D

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • ilmmadilmmad Registered User
    edited November 2008
    Congrats!

    Also nice taste in music man.

    ilmmad on
    Ilmmad.gif
  • TrillianTrillian Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    naporeon wrote: »
    Sorry to necropost, but I know that lots of folks here like to get the happy ending girl threads, along with the bad.

    Earlier this afternoon, I proposed to the woman mentioned above. She tearfully accepted.

    I used her grandmother's ring. :D

    :D

    Trillian on

    They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I figure it's only polite to post a picture of the ring in question. I quite like it.

    emma_ring.jpg

    naporeon on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I definitely squeed. I love vintage pieces and that one is gorgeous.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Yes, it is pretty incredible.

    You can't see in the picture, but the setting and detailing on top are platinum. The rest of the ring is a very warm yellow gold.

    naporeon on
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