Shy or Emotionally Distant Geek Girl

HsuHsuHsu

This is an alt as she possibly reads these forums! Paranoia!

There is this girl I really like, and I’m pretty sure she likes me too. Problem is she seems to be very introverted or distant. She’s 25 and spends most of her waking moments on the PC, either at her programming job or online/gaming (hell I met her at a LAN). Mannerisms are not very girly, she’s never really had a boyfriend and she’s a virgin. But damn she is cute!

We have been on three dates, and I’m going there again this weekend (She lives in another town). Before the dates we did the usual sweet exchanges of emails and chatting online. Physically things are fine. We’ve kissed and fooled around on the last two visits, spooning while watching movies on her bed. But on the flip side emotionally it seems she’s more detached now that it’s not all based on phone and internet.

It’s as if now the relative anonymity/security of the internet (that allowed her to be all lovey-dovey) is gone she’s closed in to a shell. Every girl I’ve been with (or friends with) has been experienced and extroverted, so I don’t know how I should handle her. There’s no “blossoming” story to draw from.

Any of you guys drawn a shy, geeky girl out of her shell? I know it’s about patience and trust. I just don’t wanna either fall in to the friend trap, or push so hard she gets scared off. The last date I think I got a bit too clingy/touchy to show I liked her so this time I’m being a bit cooler. I’ll cook her dinner at her place, and just have fun.

Do I just keep doing what I’m doing? I guess I’ve answered my own question.

jthm

You've pretty much answered your own questions. Keep doing what you are doing, and stop over analyzing the situation. Kissing and fooling around =/= friend zone, so I'm pretty sure you are fine there.

Shy people will eventually come out of their shell, it just takes a bit of time. Take a deep breath and mellow out, realize you have a girl you find cute who kisses you, and go from there.

Aoi Tsuki

You're definitely doing the right thing(s). At this rate, if she doesn't open up (i.e. loosen up at all, not necessarily turn into a chatty nymphomaniac), it may be that she's not ready, even at age 25, or has some other...thing. As a late-blooming geeky girl, I myself didn't do anything with a member of the opposite sex - hell, I didn't even want to be touched - till I was 19 and met the right guy, and even then it took 3 years before I was ready for sex. He was smart enough not to push me, as you seem to be, because pushing just breaks a girl's trust in you as a decent guy. Some guys are willing to accept that if it gets them laid, then complain they can only meet total whores; the technical term for these guys is "cockburgers."

Have you tried talking to her about this? You do know she's a virgin.

wasted pixels

HsuHsuHsu wrote: »

We have been on three dates, and I’m going there again this weekend (She lives in another town). Before the dates we did the usual sweet exchanges of emails and chatting online. Physically things are fine. We’ve kissed and fooled around on the last two visits, spooning while watching movies on her bed. But on the flip side emotionally it seems she’s more detached now that it’s not all based on phone and internet.

It’s as if now the relative anonymity/security of the internet (that allowed her to be all lovey-dovey) is gone she’s closed in to a shell. Every girl I’ve been with (or friends with) has been experienced and extroverted, so I don’t know how I should handle her. There’s no “blossoming” story to draw from.

I've dated quite a few girls of the "quiet intellectual" variety, and the really, really important thing to remember with women like that is that being a bit cool toward you isn't necessarily a bad sign at all. The fact that she isn't lavishing you with affection or whispering sweet nothings in your ear may just mean that she thinks of you as a peer and equal, and doesn't feel the need to beat you over the head with clichéd "signals". I've also noticed that women of that persuasion tend to be more "profusely" affectionate and romantic over the internet (which can be a hell of a shock when you knew them offline first, let me tell you), so that shouldn't worry you either.

Give it a few more weeks. If she isn't initiating physical affection after a month or so, then that might be a red flag. But for now, be patient, don't rush things from your end. Just give her plenty of opportunities to make a move on you.

DodgeBlan

I have been in situation similar to this.

It can be quite difficult to adjust to snails pace development of physicality if you have already experienced a proper relationship. And just know that it could take months, would you be able to deal with it?

HsuHsuHsu

Thanks guys - I know I'm over analyzing, I guess I just needed to vent and be reassured

Yes I do know she is a virgin Aoi - it was during one of the more intimate online chats she confided me that. Although I'm not sure I should talk to her about it after only three dates or I'm afraid I will add too much pressure

Erios

Love is like a flower. Over-water and you will kill it. Just keep doing what you are doing, you shouldn't have extremely strong interpersonal communication yet. And analyzing it will likely lead you to read into things that aren't there, causing you unnecessary pain and anguish.

variant

Keep it slow and keep her excited. Since you're probably her first 'dater' or whatever, you have to give her time and let her adjust.

Trowizilla

Personally, I'd cut down on the internet chatting. It's really easy to get into very intimate conversation (note: I don't mean sex) online, because you're not looking at the other person and it feels more anonymous. This can make things really, really, really awkward in person, because you've been building up your idea of a relationship based on what is essentially lines of text, not a whole person. Additionally, the online-portion of the relationship can progress much faster than the in-person one, so you're not physically comfortable (again, not talking about sex) with this person you've been having all these personal, in-depth conversations with.

Anyway, cut down on the online part and let the in-person interaction go naturally.

Fallingman

Communicate. Talk to her, not us.

Good luck.

theSquid

Seems like it'd sort itself out in time.

From my fractured point of view I'd guess that her being the geek that she is would come with some of the stereotypes, namely a symptom of minimal or negative contact with people that is a lack of trust in people, or a slight paranoia, the treatment being what everyone else has said anyway - keep doing what you're doing and everything will sort itself out.

variant

Fallingman wrote: »

Communicate. Talk to her, not us.

Good luck.

I agree and disagree with this, yes communication is always good but also no, it may not be the best idea to fess up about these things as it might make her uncomfortable, make her think you're coming on too strong and make things awkward.

PeregrineFalcon

Anecdotal Personal Experience, Go!
Geeky girls tend to not only make possible, but make preferable the friend -> boyfriend maneuver. Due to the introverted/shy/whatever nature, aiming directly for the "boyfriend" status would scare them off; but if you're a friend first, but still willing to be open to more, you'll be fine. You're already kissing and "fooling around" (whatever that means) so you're clearly on the border of official "boyfriend" status, if not already there.

Anecdotal quasi-"He-Man macho bullshit" regarding the obvious stereotype about geeky girls:

Every geeky girl that I've slept with has, in fact, turned out to be completely wild. I don't know if it's that they just have the frisky side naturally, if it just appears that way because it's such a contrast to the introverted, reserved exterior, or if I'm just getting lucky (in more ways than one) but it sure is fun.

Erios

Not to derail too much Peregrine, but I often think a good deal of it has to do with the ostracizing of many geeks. I know when I do my nasty thank, I often try really really really hard because I am so happy that someone is actually willing to accept who I am (even after years with my current girlfriend) and likes that. Also, greater proximity to the internet or being in a largely male-dominated (numbers wise) culture might make geeky girls more into it, but who knows? All I know is my personal experience, which revolves around acceptance.

HsuHsuHsu

TBH I'm used to a culture where you get drunk, like someone at a party and if you can look at each other in the morning then you're an item. I've never been down the slow road of courting and have it develop over months instead of weeks.

I didn't even consider how rapid our affection became over the internet, so thank you Trowizilla I'll be knocking a lot of the IM chat on the head. If it's worth saying, it's worth saying face to face, so will let it run its course that way.

I appreciate all your posts guys, thanks