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Frustrating girl problem...
Zephonate
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, so there's this girl that's a senior at my old high school. She's 18, making her two years younger than me. We've known each other ever since I went to the school, but didn't start hanging out or talking until very recently. After going on a pseudo-date with her, I started liking her a lot. She's funny as hell (not to mention has almost the exact same sense of humor as me, meaning I can make her laugh nonstop), very cute, smart, has similar interests to me -all the usual requisite good stuff.
Now, here's the problem.
She's incredibly flakey. She loses her phone every couple days or so, and checks it infrequently, so she only sporadically responds to text messages, rarely -if ever- responds to calls, and is almost impossible to get ahold of to follow up on plans to hang out. And nine times out of ten, when we make plans to hang out, she bails for any multitude of reasons ranging from too much homework to chores to her parents wanting her to stay home, or better yet -I don't even hear from her.
I've heard both ends of the advice spectrum so far. Some of my friends think I should just give up and move onto someone else (despite my utter lack of potentials at the moment), others say I should stick with it and be patient. But, as I'm sure you can imagine, it's very frustrating trying to be patient with someone who almost never keeps plans and usually isn't even the one to call or text and say she can't keep up the plans or why. I'm almost positive she doesn't do this shit on purpose, and it's just absentmindedness or something, but does anyone have any ideas on how I can improve the situation in any capacity?
Now, here's the problem.
She's incredibly flakey. She loses her phone every couple days or so, and checks it infrequently, so she only sporadically responds to text messages, rarely -if ever- responds to calls, and is almost impossible to get ahold of to follow up on plans to hang out. And nine times out of ten, when we make plans to hang out, she bails for any multitude of reasons ranging from too much homework to chores to her parents wanting her to stay home, or better yet -I don't even hear from her.
I've heard both ends of the advice spectrum so far. Some of my friends think I should just give up and move onto someone else (despite my utter lack of potentials at the moment), others say I should stick with it and be patient. But, as I'm sure you can imagine, it's very frustrating trying to be patient with someone who almost never keeps plans and usually isn't even the one to call or text and say she can't keep up the plans or why. I'm almost positive she doesn't do this shit on purpose, and it's just absentmindedness or something, but does anyone have any ideas on how I can improve the situation in any capacity?
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
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If she continues backing out and following up with poor excuses, maybe it's because she sees where this is going and doesn't want to lead you on.
Because really, if she truly wanted to hang out, I'd like to see more effort.
I like this. And yes, I too would like to see more effort, hence much of the frustration.
If I'm going to be upfront and everything, should I just bite bullet and tell her I'm into her? That might change her actions for the better if she likes me at all, or for the worse if not. Either way, I don't really have a lot to lose at this point. Just a thought.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
My first thought was that he was the dude from the stalker thread! xD
Seriously though, it seems like she may not be into you...but you seem pretty sure she's just a flake.
Whatever the case, you just need to figure out for yourself whether she's worth the trouble to you. Do you like her a lot? Keep trying! If you're unsure, it's probably best to let it go.
Thar be plenty of fish in the sea, matey.
Regardless, think about it logically... a cell phone delivers a call to you. You decide if you want to pick it up or not. If she's not picking up, that really should be a huge neon sign for you.
Sorry if this is too blunt, I have been there though.
Give up on her and date college girls. Why would you want to deal with someone who still probably has a curfew, anyway?
Hahah!
Therefore unless you are the stalker guy from the stalker thread, I'd say..go for it! Arr!
Yes, I am fairly certain she doesn't do this on purpose. She's kind of ditzy (but not in a dumb way, if that makes any sense). She's just kind of forgetful. And I know she likes me, at least as a friend. We have fun talking on AIM, and the one kinda'-date we went on went extremely well, in my opinion.
EDIT: I am not the guy from the stalker thread, lol.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Perhaps, then, if you intend to try and salvage a relationship, it would be best to back off some rather then pursue or attempt to have a "relationship conversation." This could help if you've come on too strong, and she no longer feels comfortable around you, and it has the added benefit of showing you how she feels, in that she would actually have to contact you.
I know that might be hard to do, but it's something to consider.
I know you have been waiting so long to use that word in a sentence without forcing it. :P
I actually have done that, believe it or not.
Usually, if I get so frustrated to the point of saying "fuck this", I'll stop contacting her. But then a day or two later, I'll usually get a random text from her saying hi, or something to that affect.
EDIT: Also, it might be noteworthy to say this is a VERY strange girl. Hyperactive, weird sense of humor, quirky beyond imagination, plays WoW pretty much every night, RPs, etc. I'm not sure how well this does or doesn't translate her social behaviors, but she seems to not be offended, off-put, scared off, or made uncomfortable by...anything, really. She's a really "go-with-the-flow" kind of person.
Needless to say, most of these things are all reasons I like her. But I'm not sure how these traits may or may not complicate things.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
No... sadly, the word I've been waiting to use is "engorged."
bah... now it just sounds like you're being jerked around. I'll be honest, there is only so much you can blame on "flakiness." I mean, unless she suffers from short term memory loss.
There's your answer right there.
Much as I wish that were true, it's not always so easy. Especially considering I have a severe lack of potential females in my life at the moment. =/
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Just had to.
It really doesn't seem like she's worth it to me, but if you're really into her, tell her that she's being a pain in the ass and that she'll need to change that if she wants to hang out or date you. And then stick to it. Spend your time finding other women.
Honestly, do not blame you. Even though I'm not the guy, hilarious coincidence.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Regardless, she may just be naturally flakey. I know I often have the best of intentions and then find myself blowing off people or legitimately finding something else to do. Talk to her (gently! don't be possessive, defensive or vindictive) and if the message doesn't sink in eventually, just break it clean and gently. Or accept that she's like that and move on.
Look, there's never a lack of potential females. You take a walk and I can guarantee that you'll come across myriad people that happen to fall in the "female" category. Some of them single, some of them not. All of them potentially interested in getting together with you at some point for a relationship.
As for your current interest, I'd forget about her. People will generally form their initial impressions in the first 4 minutes of meeting someone. If she's not the one trying to get in touch with you, you've already fallen into her "friend" category.
I'd start concentrating on taking myself and bringing out my BEST self if I were in your shoes. You're already making excuses in regards to the fact that she's not seeking contact with you. This isn't her fault, it's yours. You're the only one in control of how others perceive you.
This seems like really bad advice. I've had more then one relationship in which we were friends for a while, then dated for a while and now no longer speak (another story).
To be honest, i would only tell her your intentions if your comfortable risking your friendship for a relationship.
It seems to me that she just sees you as a friend. Nice to hang around with, but not worth going the extra mile for like a potential boyfriend.
Its more then possible that she would say yes, but im not sure she has romantic feelings for you at the moment.
I fail to see how you've illustrated what I've said as "bad advice".
First of all you're stating that you've had more then one relationship where you were friends, dated and don't talk to each other anymore. Well, considering the end result, I don't see how this plan of action is legitimate. I can also say I'm more then skeptical regarding your statement due to personal experience and witnessing the experience of others. People frequently end up in relationships with someone they've just met.
As for the rest, I think he's already beyond the stage of risking the friendship for a relationship.
What I'm pointing out is that it never escalated to that point. There might have been a trial by fire but that's over now. Best to move on.
I think its bad advice to sugest that someones feelings for you are decided in the first four seconds. My personal anecdote was just the reason for why i think this. The reason we no longer speak is due to the only due to circumstances of the breakups and my personal feelings. I am no longer in contact with any of my ex's. It was never meant to sugest that the same apply's to the OP.
I wasn't trying to say that people never end up in relationships immediatly, but rather if she doesn't like you immediatly, that doesnt mean that she never will.
My advice is, if you enjoy spending time with her (and it isn't killing you inside), keep spending time with her and you may grow on her to a point where she does have romantic feelings for you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I know you want to fuck her,
But she's not that into you.
You're right, it is.
Good thing he didn't "sugest" that.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Yeah, I knew a girl like that once. Pretty much exactly, actually.
I've had nothing but absolutely terrible experiences with "flakey" people, so much so that I'm almost willing to say that flakey is just a bullshit term for "inconsiderate prick." If she cared, she'd learn to to keep an eye on her goddamn cell phone.
She may just be busy with something else, sure, but it could just as easily be that she's busy with someone else. She's pretty fucking easy to get along with, right? You're not the only guy who knows this, I promise you.
I dunno. I've been there before, so I know how impossible it is just to "move on." So I'm saying move on knowing full well that it's advice you won't, can't, and maybe even shouldn't take. Odds are that it's only going to get worse for you, though.
PS. If she is like I think she is, then you're going to have to be very direct with her. You know how you always (and most guys, actually) say something like, "Man, it would be so much easier if this girl would just tell me that she likes me and blah blah blah..." well, it's like that with girls like this. They have to be told, and some of these flakey younger women (younger being 16-30 with people like this) almost take it as a sure sign that you're not interested if you aren't blunt about it.
...just my own personal experience, though. As can probably be gathered, neither the female I had to deal with nor myself are the most normal, socially skilled human beings to have walked the earth.
and she'll be all, "Umm, what "thing"?"
And I don't really mean "have a meeting about your future," I mean something like, "So, hey, I kind of like like you."
Regardless, he can't expert to get a firm response from her if he's not being firm at all himself.
Not 4 seconds, 4 minutes. Psychological studies also show that people actually do it in 15-30 seconds. In that time, there's 4 categories you're going to fall in with women.
-I want to fuck this guy.
-Boyfriend Material
-Friend
-Not worth my time
You can go from the top of this model to the bottom, not the other way around.
False. It certainly is quite a bit harder, though.
I think he meant "Within those four minutes, you can ..."
It's just easier to start at the top though.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
No, he said "pseudo-date" which means "not a date at all".
It's next to impossible, so why bother? Why not just show yourself, at your best and start at the top of that list so you can decide what you want to mean to this person in the future?
A date is a date, even if you don't feel like calling it one.
Sometimes it takes a pair to be able to say "This is not a relationship, and I don't need to pretend it is just so I can feel like I have one." I think you need to be able to say that. It's okay to be friends.
That isn't a true. A date is only a date if you ask someone out. They were likely just hanging out without anyone else around hence "Pseudo-date". Two people being alone does not a date make.
Attention possibly creepy stalker-ish guys:
THIS.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
What I'm getting at is that it's either a date or it's not. There's no such thing as a "pseudo-date." You're either on a date or you're just hanging out with a buddy.
Also, I'm not sure how official you're being when you say "ask someone out." Are we talking "Hey, want to go to the movies?" or "Hey, I want to go on a date with you to the movies"?
Every single date I've been on has been the former. I haven't even met anyone younger than 35 who goes with the latter. Times change, etc.