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Did I go too far?
bricktohead
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There is this girl I work with that I like. She seems to like me, atleast as a friend since she will talk to me at work or discuss things that sound important to her. She told me a few personal things to me so I got the idea that she trusted me. I told her a few things, trying to get her to help me out with some things and we talked about that for a while.
About eight months ago she texted me (I never had her number before that) to tell me some work related rumor about someone. After that the next few days I started texting her a few things. About a week after I have been texting her atleast several times every day. I know I text her way too much and I need to do it less but I really like talking to her, how much is too much?
A couple months ago I texted her that I liked her more than friends and she didn't respond to me and I didn't see her at work for about a week so I panicked. I sent her about 25 texts (about five a day...probably more though) and never got a reply. Later I found out her phone broke and she had to get a new one so she never saw any of them.
I get the feeling sometimes that she doesn't like to talk to me so I ask her if she thinks I am annoying or wants me to leave her alone and she always says no but she finally did tell me that I text her too much so I slowed down the texts a lot but I still do not know when to stop. A day ago I asked her if she wanted to go out and she never got back to me so I have sent her about five more texts and still have no reply, what does that mean? I am not going to text her for a few days just to not seem weird.
She has a terrible habbit of not replying to a message she gets unless she gets it and replies right away, it might be just for me but I have no idea. Also I have never really hung out with her outside of work although she is busy and doesn't really hang out with too many guys. Everyone gives her a lot of attention at work so I have trouble talking to her, but I always feel like she doesn't want to talk to me. How can I tell if she doesn't want to talk to me or not? The last thing I want is to be the weird stalker guy and if that is what I am I will leave her alone.
She has gone out of her way a few times to help me but for example she has never come in to a room and said hi to me or anything, she really doesn't do that though from what I have seen she just jumps right in to a conversation.
So in short, how do I know if I am being annoying/stalkerish? Also how do I know if someone actually likes me and above all else if I can actually trust someone? Oh and I am a 19 year old male if that matters. Also maybe I was not direct enough, I want to be friends with her but I like her more than that so maybe I need to be clear and ask her out, but when I get turned down would she still want to be friends?
About eight months ago she texted me (I never had her number before that) to tell me some work related rumor about someone. After that the next few days I started texting her a few things. About a week after I have been texting her atleast several times every day. I know I text her way too much and I need to do it less but I really like talking to her, how much is too much?
A couple months ago I texted her that I liked her more than friends and she didn't respond to me and I didn't see her at work for about a week so I panicked. I sent her about 25 texts (about five a day...probably more though) and never got a reply. Later I found out her phone broke and she had to get a new one so she never saw any of them.
I get the feeling sometimes that she doesn't like to talk to me so I ask her if she thinks I am annoying or wants me to leave her alone and she always says no but she finally did tell me that I text her too much so I slowed down the texts a lot but I still do not know when to stop. A day ago I asked her if she wanted to go out and she never got back to me so I have sent her about five more texts and still have no reply, what does that mean? I am not going to text her for a few days just to not seem weird.
She has a terrible habbit of not replying to a message she gets unless she gets it and replies right away, it might be just for me but I have no idea. Also I have never really hung out with her outside of work although she is busy and doesn't really hang out with too many guys. Everyone gives her a lot of attention at work so I have trouble talking to her, but I always feel like she doesn't want to talk to me. How can I tell if she doesn't want to talk to me or not? The last thing I want is to be the weird stalker guy and if that is what I am I will leave her alone.
She has gone out of her way a few times to help me but for example she has never come in to a room and said hi to me or anything, she really doesn't do that though from what I have seen she just jumps right in to a conversation.
So in short, how do I know if I am being annoying/stalkerish? Also how do I know if someone actually likes me and above all else if I can actually trust someone? Oh and I am a 19 year old male if that matters. Also maybe I was not direct enough, I want to be friends with her but I like her more than that so maybe I need to be clear and ask her out, but when I get turned down would she still want to be friends?
bricktohead on
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Bite the bullet and ask her out in person. If she says yes, assume she never got those texts. if she says no, toss up an apology for the horde of texts she endured.
You are wasting your time as the situation stands right now. Either ask her out or stop what you're doing. Life is too short to build a fixation like this.
Well that's an incredibly self deprecating view.
Don't listen to that. I mean yeah, don't ask her if you're annoying her...because that is just an odd thing to ask. But there are plenty of times where I had a down moment where I feel like I'm annoying a girl I like/girlfriend when that's no the case at all. It's a confidence thing. Don't assume you're annoying her until she lets you know or gives an obvious sign.
Why don't you ever see her in person?
that
Two broken hands might finally force verbal communication.
You say a day ago you asked her if she wanted to go out (again) -- did you do that in person or over texts? Stop doing it in texts if that's how you did it. Ask her out, once, in person. Stop texting her endlessly when she's not texting you back. It is annoying, and the fact that she's not replying probably means she doesn't want to talk to you (at least not right then).
Calm down.
Let's agree on one thing here. If she says no, nothing has changed. A relationship never would have happend without you asking her, and this way you're not going to waste time trying to woo her. Maybe you will still be friends, maybe not.
So call her. You have her phone number.
"Hey, its brick. Oh, good, thanks. I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me sometime, maybe this weekend?"
There isn't a better option other than just asking.
Yes it does sound like an actual base relationship needs to be established. Since you seem to be her friend vicariously through texts right now. Getting to know someone is a huge part of even beginning to date. You need to change your social habits (texting instead of real interaction) if you want a real change in how things are going for you. Don't let technology handicap you.
Texts are fickle things, they get lost, they don't send, they are easily missed and forgotten.
Emails are rarely so, at least with any modern e-mail service.
or yeah, actually talk to her.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
There's only one way to get better. Ask one out. In person if possible, on the phone (not text!) if in person is not possible.
Listen to Improvolone here.
I have been in this situation, though maybe not to the extent you're describing. In hindsight I am glad I wasn't naive enough to take "my phone is broken and I didn't get your messages" as anything other than a clear sign of disinterest. A little passive aggressive on her part, sure, but I took the hint.
Not saying this girl is doing the same to you, your mileage will of course vary, but maybe it's a sign she's not interested.
This was my first thought about that, too.
If she is going to date you at all, you'll have to talk to her. Not text her. She's not going to be interested in you if the only way you can communicate is via text.
So man up and just do it.
Ladder theory is a stupid theory.
That being said, not ever seeing her in person is a terrible excuse. If you liked her enough, you could seek her out to ask her on a date.
Just go into work one day while she is on shift to check the schedule or something then strike up a conversation as you are leaving and casually ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner with you sometime. If you don't make it into a big deal, then it won't be one.
Don't ever ask if you are annoying someone. If you think you might be, just tone your behavior down some. Confidence goes a long way.
Friend zone? Dude, you are in restraining order territory.
Please... just STOP. Nothing good can come from whatever is going on in that noggin of yours. You need to improve your social skills a touch, then try again with someone else.
You're being annoying. If she was starting to like you, your text-storm turned her off. I doubt she was going there though. Sounds like you were a decent person to work with, not a bad guy (boy? how old are you?) and so you were something of a work buddy. You took it too far, haven't gotten the hint, and now we've arrived at this thread.
Stop texting her. Completely. Start with that while you build up your self-esteem in other ways.
If you aren't sure if you're friends, you most likely aren't.
What you did wrong may have expressed itself in texts, but you may have similar problems even without the texts if you don't recognize when someone is or isn't interested in speaking with you. If she really wasn't interested in talking to you, as it seems, continuing to harass her with constant messages is not a good idea. Learn to keep your eyes and ears open and realize if you're pushing your boundaries with someone too much.
If you still want to go out with her, ask her out face to face, but at this point it may be a bit of an uphill battle. I'd just leave it alone, don't make a big deal out of it. Say hey if she walks by, a little small talk never hurts, but don't go pestering her or anything. If she starts to come to talk to you more often, THEN you can lead up to asking her out or talking more again.
It sounds like you're doing a lot of talking but not a lot of listening.
Just calm the fuck down. Recognize that women are people, with shit to do, meals to eat, friends to visit, and basically all of the same stuff that you have to do. Give her time to do her shit and recognize that you are just a guy she works with, and talking with you is probably not in her top 20 things to do in a given week.
If she doesn't seem interested in talking to you, show her some fucking respect and back off. As in, call her once, wait a couple of days, if she doesn't return it, call back, and then wait a week. Then two weeks. Then you're done. It's not a RULE, but a waiting a couple of days gives her time to do other shit, waiting a week gives her a chance to get back from out of town, and waiting two weeks is a last ditch effort.
I'm sure that some people will totally disagree with that advice, however, that's at least somewhat close to normal, and you are waaaaaaaaaay far away from that.
That still sounds a hell of a lot better than the situation the OP is in now.
Trust me dude, i've been in the same position as you, and went through every step described above, but i'm still glad I worked up the courage to ask her out. At least now I could sleep soundly knowing a concrete answer instead of playing a what if scenario in my head.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Learning social interaction with a person you are attracted to is something of a trial and error process. A lot of people also mistake kindness for interest, which can be exceptionally hard on both parties.
Just as an observation... you should never... I mean NEVER send off a "communication storm" like that to someone unless you have some dire need to get ahold of them... I mean real need... family emergency, life or death, lot of money, etc. This includes e-mail, phone calls, texting, letters, showing up at their doorstep, etc.
That just stinks of stalker territory as mentioned, but even more so it shows an underlying sense of desperation.
You text once with no reply... cool... a second time to add something or just not sure if first went through.. maybe as a reminder? Ok, fine... send a third? Then it's raising an eyebrow... more than that will really make someone wonder what's up.
That many texts would make even a GF a it annoyed in many cases... and this is someone who is an aquaintance at best.
I think your mistake here was not sending too many textxs, it was storming the gates of the castle with a full siege force when they just invited you in for a friendly cup of tea to say hi.
Just relax, take it a LOT slower, and maybe she will open up to you... or maybe not, no big deal either way.
Also texting is stupid if you're trying to get to know someone. Call her and ask her to hang/go out. If she doesn't call back wait 3 or 4 days and try again. Then stop calling. She checks her voicemail, everyone does, and she will call you back if she wants to talk to you.
Just remember that converting a work relationship (of any kind) to an outside of work relationship is always going to be awkward. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Stop fucking asking her out via text message and then spamming her when she doesn't respond, she didn't respond for a reason and that phone broke thing was probably an excuse to give you an easy exit out of this situation.
I think the ship has sailed and you need to learn to control yourself, stay cool and keep it professional with her from now on.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I have been thinking about it for a while and I think I am going to call her and just try and explain a few things to her and apologize, is this a good or bad idea?
Walk away, and never look back. Write down all your thoughts on paper and bury them in the yard or something if you need closure. Perhaps a small fire, carrying your dreams out on the ether. Whatever you need to do, do it, and let it go before you make things worse.