As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/
Options

Successfully dealing with severe depression/suicidal thoughts.

Captain AwesomeftwCaptain Awesomeftw Registered User regular
edited October 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
I apologize in advance for how trite this thread probably will read.

I've basically struggled with depression for as much of my life as I can remember. It comes and it goes in cycles- there will be months, years even when I'll be doing okay, and then the pendulum will swing in the other direction.

I'm not certain if there's some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain or not, but mostly I think these feelings are a byproduct of how my brain operates. I'm a coldly and keenly analytical person, and it seems like my good swings and bad swings are really just a reflection on times when I'm honest with myself vs. times when I allowed myself to be swept up on a swell of naiveté.

I can provide back story on what's been going on lately, but it really doesn't matter. Suffice to say, I've had a bad year so far. Money's tight, friends are scarce and I recently had my heart broken. What it boils down to is that I'm racking my brain for any reason whatsoever to keep living, and the ONLY one I can come up with at present time is the fact that i don't want to hurt my family.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't an urgent situation. I'm not going to do anything stupid. If I was going to choose a way to kill myself it'd be to just buy a cheap trailer and rot in it watching TV and eating cheese like other people who have given up entirely.

But I'm pretty frightened at the moment because I haven't had an honest-to-god suicidal thought in almost ten years (I'm 22 years old at the moment if it matters.) Tonight, I've basically reaffirmed my conclusion that most of the things in life that I think will make me happy are, in fact, fictional in nature. I found myself considering ways out of this problem, and most of them were... melodramatic. I'd like to again reiterate that I am in absolutely no danger of self-harm- I'm only saying that the notion of such has become appealing to me and that appeal is of great concern to me.

Before anyone else points it out, I'm fully aware that the fact that I'm making this thread is really all the evidence anyone would ever need of why my life is indeed worthless.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar state of mind to this, and if so, how did you deal with it? I'm extraordinarily skeptical about both therapy (which I can't afford anyway) and pharmaceutical drugs (Also cannot afford.)

As far as I can tell my own logic and reasoning got me into this funk and I'd like for those same things to dig me back out.

I scanned over the rules for posting and I don't think this thread violates any of them but if it does feel free to lock it accordingly.

Your friend,
CA

civilwarcherabim.jpg
Captain Awesomeftw on

Posts

  • Options
    Drew_9999Drew_9999 Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I'm extraordinarily skeptical about both therapy and pharmaceutical drugs .
    Well of course you are. If you're depressed and everything seems stupid and pointless, then even things that will really help you will seem stupid and pointless. Get some professional treatment. Ask people who care about you to help you, regardless of whether or not you think they can or will. The worst part about depression is that the disease itself prevents people from getting help.

    Drew_9999 on
  • Options
    Captain AwesomeftwCaptain Awesomeftw Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I really, honestly and truly cannot even begin to afford any kind of professional anything. I can't afford to make my damn car payment half the time.

    On a side note, I just clicked on thanatos' public profile, and saw the pages upon pages of infractions that Tube has given him, and I feel a little bit better because of it.

    Captain Awesomeftw on
    civilwarcherabim.jpg
  • Options
    furiousNUfuriousNU Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I am also someone dealing with depression somewhat akin to yours, it comes and goes in long streaks and I can still function normally go to school, get decent grades etc. While I haven't been dealing with it for as long as you have and the source of mine is environmental, but I have frequent and very dramatic suicidal thoughts when I get extremely stressed out. However, I've never had the impetus to act on them. One of things that my shrink told when I first started going for therapy is that there are two types of people that have suicidal thoughts, one type actually will act on these thoughts and needs to be monitored 24/7 and the other type just has these types of thoughts and most likely will not act on them(however this type has the potential to become like the first type under extreme circumstances). She also told me that a lot of young people she sees are the second type and that it is not uncommon. I realize I am not medical professional, but somehow knowing that I was not the only person with suicidal thoughts was really comforting. It made managing these thoughts much easier for me and allowed myself to continue functioning and keep up with stuff in my life.

    While you have stated in your post that you cannot afford therapy, the best answer still, is to seek medical help. Are you in school at all?(if so your school might provide medical services and help you get an appointment with a shrink you can see for free) If you aren't in school, do you have health insurance(or can you not afford it)? Talking/venting to someone impartial/nonjudgmental can really make you feel a lot better about yourself and figure out the source of your depression. In the mean time, I would see if you can get in contact with old friends or family and talk to them about how you feel. Don't make the same mistake I did and hesitate to contact friends/family because of stupid excuses like "I haven't called x in a few months, x probably doesn't want to hear from me" or "No one really cares about me and wants to hear me complaining how much my life sucks". Most people(if they aren't terrible people) will be sympathetic and want to listen to you. Try to keep busy(I have no idea what your living situation is like....so can't really make any specific suggestions) with work, hobbies, exercise(go to a nearby gym, run outside or take a walk) etc...it will help keep your mind from thinking too much about negative stuff...

    I hope my poorly organized rambling wall of text is of some small help to you

    feel free to pm me if you'd like someone to talk to

    furiousNU on
  • Options
    GoodOmensGoodOmens Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    It definitely sounds like you need professional help. I appreciate your desire to work thing through yourself, but sometimes shit just gets too bad to deal with alone. There are people who know how to help you, who want to help you. It won't be easy, it won't necessarily work, and sometimes it'll hurt like hell. But it is probably your best chance.

    Find out if you area has a Department of Public Health or an equivalent. Or try going to a free clinic and talking to a doctor there. Many areas have services available for people without much money but you will have to ask.

    And please keep this number handy: 1-800-273-TALK. It's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and they can help. They might even be able to help you get in contact with services in your area.

    GoodOmens on
    steam_sig.png
    IOS Game Center ID: Isotope-X
  • Options
    HevachHevach Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Suicide hotline and health department have been covered. There are plenty of places that can help connect you to free or cheap help. There was a self harm thread a while back where somebody posted a helpline specifically for self harm, rather than suicide. Hopefully somebody can post that number, as they'll also be able to help.

    Do you (or your family) belong to a church? Churches will almost always offer free counseling on many subjects, but there's a huge range of how good that help may be. It may just be a lecture from the priest that you'll go to hell if you kill yourself or it might be a youth leader or lay minister who has his or her own similar experiences and can actually understand your problems. It may also be a lay minister who will lecture you about hell. It's a crapshoot, but might be worth a try. The standing order in my local Catholic diocese has been to offer counseling and help to anybody who comes asking, regardless of membership, and not to convert people while they're distraught and vulnerable (how far this is actually followed is another matter).

    Are you a student, by any chance? Any high school will have a counselor who can help, either directly or by getting you in contact with somebody who can. Colleges almost all have counselors on staff, and they likely have experience with plenty of students experiencing similar thoughts, college has a way of straining every aspect of your life, and a lot of people have trouble coping.

    Seek some kind of outside help. It's a scary thing to face on your own, and it changes how you view things and think. You really need an outsider who can understand the situation fully to help you get a handle on things.

    Hevach on
  • Options
    EriosErios Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    furiousNU wrote: »
    I am also someone dealing with depression somewhat akin to yours, it comes and goes in long streaks and I can still function normally go to school, get decent grades etc. While I haven't been dealing with it for as long as you have and the source of mine is environmental, but I have frequent and very dramatic suicidal thoughts when I get extremely stressed out. However, I've never had the impetus to act on them. One of things that my shrink told when I first started going for therapy is that there are two types of people that have suicidal thoughts, one type actually will act on these thoughts and needs to be monitored 24/7 and the other type just has these types of thoughts and most likely will not act on them(however this type has the potential to become like the first type under extreme circumstances). She also told me that a lot of young people she sees are the second type and that it is not uncommon. I realize I am not medical professional, but somehow knowing that I was not the only person with suicidal thoughts was really comforting. It made managing these thoughts much easier for me and allowed myself to continue functioning and keep up with stuff in my life.

    While you have stated in your post that you cannot afford therapy, the best answer still, is to seek medical help. Are you in school at all?(if so your school might provide medical services and help you get an appointment with a shrink you can see for free) If you aren't in school, do you have health insurance(or can you not afford it)? Talking/venting to someone impartial/nonjudgmental can really make you feel a lot better about yourself and figure out the source of your depression. In the mean time, I would see if you can get in contact with old friends or family and talk to them about how you feel. Don't make the same mistake I did and hesitate to contact friends/family because of stupid excuses like "I haven't called x in a few months, x probably doesn't want to hear from me" or "No one really cares about me and wants to hear me complaining how much my life sucks". Most people(if they aren't terrible people) will be sympathetic and want to listen to you. Try to keep busy(I have no idea what your living situation is like....so can't really make any specific suggestions) with work, hobbies, exercise(go to a nearby gym, run outside or take a walk) etc...it will help keep your mind from thinking too much about negative stuff...

    I hope my poorly organized rambling wall of text is of some small help to you

    feel free to pm me if you'd like someone to talk to

    This is all realy good stuff right here, though I am a bit biased. Especially the part about exercise, I can't stress how amazing it is for combating depression. On a very crude level, you are doing almost exactly what anti-depressants do to the brain, increasing monoamine levels/traffic. Plus, with increased exercise comes more regular sleep habits AND better physical fitness, which can increase confidence. I find cardiovascular work to be the best mood booster.

    As far as your chemical imbalance line of thinking the answer is simply, yes, you almost undoubtedly do. Beyond that, it seems you have an overly critical bias of yourself, hence your estimations may be a bit off. Many people have chemical imbalances in their brains, some good, some not so good. Many health insurance plans cover antidepressants, as depression is a disesase just like any other, and it poses a significant health risk. You don't need to sit down every week with Sigmund Freud to get antidepressants either, as pretty much anyone with an MD can give prescribe them, though only a trained psychiatrist will do it easily.

    Erios on
    Steam: erios23, Live: Coconut Flavor, Origin: erios2386.
  • Options
    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Bear in mind that what you currently think of as "rational thought" is heavily, heavily colored by your depression. You are, at the moment, probably incapable of actual rational thought concerning your situation, because everything is going to seem pointless and the idea of happiness is going to seem silly, naive, or "fictional."

    If you're not religious and can't get any sort of cheap/free secular therapy, I'd suggest going to a Unitarian church, or possibly a Quaker one. Yes, you may have to ignore a small amout of religiousness with your counselling, but it's important for you to go talk to someone. Emotions Anonymous is also good and was recommended by my therapists; it amounts to free group therapy, and it'll help you just to have people around who are dealing with the same things you are.

    Trowizilla on
  • Options
    HypatiaHypatia Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Personally, I feel like one of the best ways to deal with depression is to make yourself really busy. Schedule to go to a bunch of things like local clubs, groups, sports, jobs, anything really. Try to fill your day with as much stuff as possible so that you don't have any time to stop and think about things.

    If you can, try to schedule all of these things with different groups/people so that you aren't leaning on anyone heavily (this can be a black hole if you're depressed) and so you feel obligated to go (people are expecting you!). Then it feels less like you need to force yourself to go, and more like you don't have a choice since you already said you would.

    Hypatia on
  • Options
    lizard eats flieslizard eats flies Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Go see someone. Many therapists work on a sliding scale, so you dont always have to worry about them being crazy expensive. Suicidal thoughts are NOT normal. And I know you say you are in no real danger of doing anything, but trust me that can change quick.. and when it does something else takes over, and it is not 'you'. Rationally, you know suicide is a bad idea, but with depression etc, that irrational part can take over. Keep the suicide hotline on speeddial or something and dont be afraid to call it.

    And as others have suggested, seek a school or religious councilor. Also excersise is one of the BEST anti-depressants

    lizard eats flies on
  • Options
    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I really, honestly and truly cannot even begin to afford any kind of professional anything. I can't afford to make my damn car payment half the time.

    Contact your county health and human services department. Ask them for referrals to sliding-scale therapists. You can often get therapy for cheap or even for free.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • Options
    sillypantssillypants Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    So I kinda know what you're going through. I've never felt depressed before until recently but it sucks. I would also recommend calling some sort of hotline, it helps just to talk but I'm sure they also have ways to get in contact with free and/or cheap help. Does your job offer benefits at all? Also, can anyone in your family help you out with the money if necessary? Check around online, try out church couseling. Getting professional help is necessary and there are many outlets you should try.

    sillypants on
  • Options
    lizard eats flieslizard eats flies Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    OH yea, check your job benefits. Many companies have some sort of employee assistance program that gives you a number to call and they set up free counseling sessions for you. Usually like 8-12 freebies and then some sort of small co-pay after that. And they even find the therapists for you.

    lizard eats flies on
  • Options
    SakebombSakebomb Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    I really, honestly and truly cannot even begin to afford any kind of professional anything. I can't afford to make my damn car payment half the time.

    On a side note, I just clicked on thanatos' public profile, and saw the pages upon pages of infractions that Tube has given him, and I feel a little bit better because of it.

    That just made me feel good too.
    EDIT: See? its the simple things in life that count :)

    EDIT EDIT:
    Go to your grocery store and pick up a bottle of St John's Wort,
    and grab a copy of "Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida
    Its what helped me when I was at rock bottom.

    Sakebomb on
  • Options
    Death of RatsDeath of Rats Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Pharmaceuticals aren't as expensive as you think. The anti-depressant (citalopram) I was on cost $4.00 a month at Walmart without insurance.

    So first, go see your doctor, tell him what's going on with you, and get on anti-depressants.

    Second and third, buy the book "Undoing Depression" and read it and then find a way to go to a theropist. Both will probably open you eyes. Quite a bit.

    As far as the financial situation goes, this is one of the times where you need to not care about finances and get what you need. You need to go see a therapist. It's a must. So do whatever you have to do to do that. More than likely your county's health department will be able to help you find one on a sliding scale.

    Death of Rats on
    No I don't.
  • Options
    ShadeShade Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    Take a dance class. Something up beat like salsa or breakdance. you'll be fucking amazed at what exercise and being social will do for depression. Trust me, I've been there.

    Shade on
  • Options
    kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited October 2008
    The people that are telling you, in effect, to "walk it off" are plain wrong. Your problems are not just in your mind, they are in your physical brain - chemical/neurological states that can be corrected via management (therapy), and pharmaceuticals (psychiatry).

    If you think every time you feel positive you are being naive later on, you have something that should be treated.

    It's really a non-starter for the thread to come on and say that you are unwilling to pay for treatment, then the thread is pointless. As other people have pointed out, you can seek county or federal programs for treatment if you really can't afford it.

    kaliyama on
    fwKS7.png?1
  • Options
    ApathyKillsApathyKills __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2008
    I can empathize alot with alot of what you are saying. Particularly the feeling that you are unable to enjoy life or find any positivity in it because the things that people find happiness in seem false and superficial to you. That it's all meaningless in the end and continuing on with life as if it were not would be a lie. I may be projecting to an extent, but I feel like this is the jist of your experience.

    These are complex issues and if you're struggling to convince yourself that life is even worth living then you need to seek therapy. vocational rehab is how I get my therapy/meds paid for.
    here's the location and phone number for the voc rehab dept in seneca, sc which according to google maps is the one nearest to Clemson.


    (864) 882-6669
    1951 Wells Hwy
    Seneca, SC 29678


    and directions:http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&q=clemenson%2C%20sc%20vocational%20rehab&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wl

    At least give them a call. please.

    ApathyKills on
    deleted courtesy orikae
Sign In or Register to comment.