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Successfully dealing with severe depression/suicidal thoughts.
Captain Awesomeftw
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I apologize in advance for how trite this thread probably will read.
I've basically struggled with depression for as much of my life as I can remember. It comes and it goes in cycles- there will be months, years even when I'll be doing okay, and then the pendulum will swing in the other direction.
I'm not certain if there's some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain or not, but mostly I think these feelings are a byproduct of how my brain operates. I'm a coldly and keenly analytical person, and it seems like my good swings and bad swings are really just a reflection on times when I'm honest with myself vs. times when I allowed myself to be swept up on a swell of naiveté.
I can provide back story on what's been going on lately, but it really doesn't matter. Suffice to say, I've had a bad year so far. Money's tight, friends are scarce and I recently had my heart broken. What it boils down to is that I'm racking my brain for any reason whatsoever to keep living, and the ONLY one I can come up with at present time is the fact that i don't want to hurt my family.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't an urgent situation. I'm not going to do anything stupid. If I was going to choose a way to kill myself it'd be to just buy a cheap trailer and rot in it watching TV and eating cheese like other people who have given up entirely.
But I'm pretty frightened at the moment because I haven't had an honest-to-god suicidal thought in almost ten years (I'm 22 years old at the moment if it matters.) Tonight, I've basically reaffirmed my conclusion that most of the things in life that I think will make me happy are, in fact, fictional in nature. I found myself considering ways out of this problem, and most of them were... melodramatic. I'd like to again reiterate that I am in absolutely no danger of self-harm- I'm only saying that the notion of such has become appealing to me and that appeal is of great concern to me.
Before anyone else points it out, I'm fully aware that the fact that I'm making this thread is really all the evidence anyone would ever need of why my life is indeed worthless.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar state of mind to this, and if so, how did you deal with it? I'm extraordinarily skeptical about both therapy (which I can't afford anyway) and pharmaceutical drugs (Also cannot afford.)
As far as I can tell my own logic and reasoning got me into this funk and I'd like for those same things to dig me back out.
I scanned over the rules for posting and I don't think this thread violates any of them but if it does feel free to lock it accordingly.
Your friend,
CA
I've basically struggled with depression for as much of my life as I can remember. It comes and it goes in cycles- there will be months, years even when I'll be doing okay, and then the pendulum will swing in the other direction.
I'm not certain if there's some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain or not, but mostly I think these feelings are a byproduct of how my brain operates. I'm a coldly and keenly analytical person, and it seems like my good swings and bad swings are really just a reflection on times when I'm honest with myself vs. times when I allowed myself to be swept up on a swell of naiveté.
I can provide back story on what's been going on lately, but it really doesn't matter. Suffice to say, I've had a bad year so far. Money's tight, friends are scarce and I recently had my heart broken. What it boils down to is that I'm racking my brain for any reason whatsoever to keep living, and the ONLY one I can come up with at present time is the fact that i don't want to hurt my family.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't an urgent situation. I'm not going to do anything stupid. If I was going to choose a way to kill myself it'd be to just buy a cheap trailer and rot in it watching TV and eating cheese like other people who have given up entirely.
But I'm pretty frightened at the moment because I haven't had an honest-to-god suicidal thought in almost ten years (I'm 22 years old at the moment if it matters.) Tonight, I've basically reaffirmed my conclusion that most of the things in life that I think will make me happy are, in fact, fictional in nature. I found myself considering ways out of this problem, and most of them were... melodramatic. I'd like to again reiterate that I am in absolutely no danger of self-harm- I'm only saying that the notion of such has become appealing to me and that appeal is of great concern to me.
Before anyone else points it out, I'm fully aware that the fact that I'm making this thread is really all the evidence anyone would ever need of why my life is indeed worthless.
I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar state of mind to this, and if so, how did you deal with it? I'm extraordinarily skeptical about both therapy (which I can't afford anyway) and pharmaceutical drugs (Also cannot afford.)
As far as I can tell my own logic and reasoning got me into this funk and I'd like for those same things to dig me back out.
I scanned over the rules for posting and I don't think this thread violates any of them but if it does feel free to lock it accordingly.
Your friend,
CA
Captain Awesomeftw on
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On a side note, I just clicked on thanatos' public profile, and saw the pages upon pages of infractions that Tube has given him, and I feel a little bit better because of it.
While you have stated in your post that you cannot afford therapy, the best answer still, is to seek medical help. Are you in school at all?(if so your school might provide medical services and help you get an appointment with a shrink you can see for free) If you aren't in school, do you have health insurance(or can you not afford it)? Talking/venting to someone impartial/nonjudgmental can really make you feel a lot better about yourself and figure out the source of your depression. In the mean time, I would see if you can get in contact with old friends or family and talk to them about how you feel. Don't make the same mistake I did and hesitate to contact friends/family because of stupid excuses like "I haven't called x in a few months, x probably doesn't want to hear from me" or "No one really cares about me and wants to hear me complaining how much my life sucks". Most people(if they aren't terrible people) will be sympathetic and want to listen to you. Try to keep busy(I have no idea what your living situation is like....so can't really make any specific suggestions) with work, hobbies, exercise(go to a nearby gym, run outside or take a walk) etc...it will help keep your mind from thinking too much about negative stuff...
I hope my poorly organized rambling wall of text is of some small help to you
feel free to pm me if you'd like someone to talk to
Find out if you area has a Department of Public Health or an equivalent. Or try going to a free clinic and talking to a doctor there. Many areas have services available for people without much money but you will have to ask.
And please keep this number handy: 1-800-273-TALK. It's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, and they can help. They might even be able to help you get in contact with services in your area.
IOS Game Center ID: Isotope-X
Do you (or your family) belong to a church? Churches will almost always offer free counseling on many subjects, but there's a huge range of how good that help may be. It may just be a lecture from the priest that you'll go to hell if you kill yourself or it might be a youth leader or lay minister who has his or her own similar experiences and can actually understand your problems. It may also be a lay minister who will lecture you about hell. It's a crapshoot, but might be worth a try. The standing order in my local Catholic diocese has been to offer counseling and help to anybody who comes asking, regardless of membership, and not to convert people while they're distraught and vulnerable (how far this is actually followed is another matter).
Are you a student, by any chance? Any high school will have a counselor who can help, either directly or by getting you in contact with somebody who can. Colleges almost all have counselors on staff, and they likely have experience with plenty of students experiencing similar thoughts, college has a way of straining every aspect of your life, and a lot of people have trouble coping.
Seek some kind of outside help. It's a scary thing to face on your own, and it changes how you view things and think. You really need an outsider who can understand the situation fully to help you get a handle on things.
This is all realy good stuff right here, though I am a bit biased. Especially the part about exercise, I can't stress how amazing it is for combating depression. On a very crude level, you are doing almost exactly what anti-depressants do to the brain, increasing monoamine levels/traffic. Plus, with increased exercise comes more regular sleep habits AND better physical fitness, which can increase confidence. I find cardiovascular work to be the best mood booster.
As far as your chemical imbalance line of thinking the answer is simply, yes, you almost undoubtedly do. Beyond that, it seems you have an overly critical bias of yourself, hence your estimations may be a bit off. Many people have chemical imbalances in their brains, some good, some not so good. Many health insurance plans cover antidepressants, as depression is a disesase just like any other, and it poses a significant health risk. You don't need to sit down every week with Sigmund Freud to get antidepressants either, as pretty much anyone with an MD can give prescribe them, though only a trained psychiatrist will do it easily.
If you're not religious and can't get any sort of cheap/free secular therapy, I'd suggest going to a Unitarian church, or possibly a Quaker one. Yes, you may have to ignore a small amout of religiousness with your counselling, but it's important for you to go talk to someone. Emotions Anonymous is also good and was recommended by my therapists; it amounts to free group therapy, and it'll help you just to have people around who are dealing with the same things you are.
If you can, try to schedule all of these things with different groups/people so that you aren't leaning on anyone heavily (this can be a black hole if you're depressed) and so you feel obligated to go (people are expecting you!). Then it feels less like you need to force yourself to go, and more like you don't have a choice since you already said you would.
And as others have suggested, seek a school or religious councilor. Also excersise is one of the BEST anti-depressants
Contact your county health and human services department. Ask them for referrals to sliding-scale therapists. You can often get therapy for cheap or even for free.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
That just made me feel good too.
EDIT: See? its the simple things in life that count
EDIT EDIT:
Go to your grocery store and pick up a bottle of St John's Wort,
and grab a copy of "Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida
Its what helped me when I was at rock bottom.
So first, go see your doctor, tell him what's going on with you, and get on anti-depressants.
Second and third, buy the book "Undoing Depression" and read it and then find a way to go to a theropist. Both will probably open you eyes. Quite a bit.
As far as the financial situation goes, this is one of the times where you need to not care about finances and get what you need. You need to go see a therapist. It's a must. So do whatever you have to do to do that. More than likely your county's health department will be able to help you find one on a sliding scale.
If you think every time you feel positive you are being naive later on, you have something that should be treated.
It's really a non-starter for the thread to come on and say that you are unwilling to pay for treatment, then the thread is pointless. As other people have pointed out, you can seek county or federal programs for treatment if you really can't afford it.
These are complex issues and if you're struggling to convince yourself that life is even worth living then you need to seek therapy. vocational rehab is how I get my therapy/meds paid for.
here's the location and phone number for the voc rehab dept in seneca, sc which according to google maps is the one nearest to Clemson.
(864) 882-6669
1951 Wells Hwy
Seneca, SC 29678
and directions:http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&q=clemenson%2C%20sc%20vocational%20rehab&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wl
At least give them a call. please.