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How to be honest, tactfully
Mim
dead.Registered User regular
dead.Registered User regular
I seem to have this problem quite a lot with the friends I have. Just yesterday my friend Jim said to me that he wanted a dog. He was going to buy one with his room mate whom he just moved in with and officially met about a month to two months ago and that the other two room mates that live with him are not keen on the idea but that he and "Sarah" were so prepared to do this. He told me he was weighing the pros and cons and that's when I jumped in with my two cents.
Having two dogs of my own, I know that the medical costs, the living expenses and the emotional needs of animals can be a bit much. I've had enough pets during my lifetime to know that it is not easy on your or the pet to separate (should the burden become to much and you have to give them up) nor is it an easy task to do. I told him that I could not, in good conscious, advise him to get a dog. Maybe a fish, but not a dog. He goes to school full time, works part time, has club activities and is already pulling out his hair over homework assignments that he wouldn't have the time nor the money (seeing as though he isn't in the best financial shape right now) to really have time for this dog. I also said that an animal isn't something you get and then once the novelty has worn off or you feel the burden is too much (though you should have known from the get go) you can't just return the animal without causing some emotional harm to it. Our other friend, Angie decided to stay out of the deal.
Well, Jim got pissed and decided to call off the entire road trip we had been planning for a year to go on because we didn't support him on his buying a dog and he felt we were too negative for his liking. He also accused us of saying that we believe the animal would be emotionally harmed if it were to stay with him (which is not what I said). It wouldn't be that much of a problem if Angie was not flying from fucking Australia to go on this road trip after she spent months saving and working tons of shifts just to afford this.
I need to know, to save myself from future fights with people, how to be honest without causing problems like this one. I know sometimes I can be a bit harsh but that's because I feel its best to put it right out there and not rose tint it so that it's easier to swallow. I also would like advice on how to properly apologize to Jim to make this all better. Normally I wouldn't because I feel he is being overly dramatic and because just recently when I was having a down and out moment he wasn't even emotionally supportive of me, but this is different because our friend Angie has been looking forward to experiencing the east coast of America and to celebrate New Years in New York and she wanted it to be the three of us.
Having two dogs of my own, I know that the medical costs, the living expenses and the emotional needs of animals can be a bit much. I've had enough pets during my lifetime to know that it is not easy on your or the pet to separate (should the burden become to much and you have to give them up) nor is it an easy task to do. I told him that I could not, in good conscious, advise him to get a dog. Maybe a fish, but not a dog. He goes to school full time, works part time, has club activities and is already pulling out his hair over homework assignments that he wouldn't have the time nor the money (seeing as though he isn't in the best financial shape right now) to really have time for this dog. I also said that an animal isn't something you get and then once the novelty has worn off or you feel the burden is too much (though you should have known from the get go) you can't just return the animal without causing some emotional harm to it. Our other friend, Angie decided to stay out of the deal.
Well, Jim got pissed and decided to call off the entire road trip we had been planning for a year to go on because we didn't support him on his buying a dog and he felt we were too negative for his liking. He also accused us of saying that we believe the animal would be emotionally harmed if it were to stay with him (which is not what I said). It wouldn't be that much of a problem if Angie was not flying from fucking Australia to go on this road trip after she spent months saving and working tons of shifts just to afford this.
I need to know, to save myself from future fights with people, how to be honest without causing problems like this one. I know sometimes I can be a bit harsh but that's because I feel its best to put it right out there and not rose tint it so that it's easier to swallow. I also would like advice on how to properly apologize to Jim to make this all better. Normally I wouldn't because I feel he is being overly dramatic and because just recently when I was having a down and out moment he wasn't even emotionally supportive of me, but this is different because our friend Angie has been looking forward to experiencing the east coast of America and to celebrate New Years in New York and she wanted it to be the three of us.
BlueSky: thequeenofchaos Steam: mimspanks (add me then tell me who you are! Ask for my IG)
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Just apologize and say you didn't mean to offend him, and you were just looking out for him, like friends do. Explain the Angie situation, and if he isn't a complete asshole, he'll probably realise he is being silly.
Jim is the only one who drives. That's not the only reason, we've been friends since freshman year of high school and normally we've been close.
I just figure if I do have a problem being honest brutally, then I'd need to learn to do it tactfully so as not to cause more tension in any new friendships I make.
That said, he probably just went into ultra-defensive mode because he was excited about the idea and you shot it down. He's had a day to cool off. I'd try and have a face to face chat with him on his own. Explain how much work is involved in having a dog, and how much time you need to put in, from your own experience. I'd leave the whole 'being inconsiderate to housemates' thing alone, its true, but its more likely to be seen as an accusation against him. I'd also steer well clear of the whole sharing a dog with someone you barely know thing, for similar reasons.
As for applying this to other relationships in your life, try to think of the impact what you are about to say will have from the other persons point of view. Consider if what you are saying is something that can be construed as a judgement against them, or an attack on them, and try to rephrase appropriately. I found a good place to start doing this for myself was in written formats such as emails (and forum posts woo!) because it gives you time to think about what you are writing, and edit accordingly. If you focus on this it makes it a bit easier to apply to conversation as well, i found. Also, if you know you are about to address something sensitive, see if you can slow yourself down, dont just blurt out words as soon as they come to you. If its especially sensitive you can even ask the person for some time to consider your answer.
Of course, theres always going to be times when someone is just being a little fucking bitch, as mooshoepork suggests
He's still overreacting, though. I suggest a little apology on the order of "I didn't mean to imply that you'd be a bad pet owner" (since that seems to be the inference) and if that doesn't help out this situation then something else is going on.
This. I think it might have been possible to dissuade him from getting a dog by keeping your arguments to the housing/housemate/dog-sharing-partner-you-don't-know-that-well side of the argument and leaving the sticker personal responsibility side alone.
This tactic will help in the future in avoiding this problem. It's best to shoot a friend's hopes down in the blandest, most non-personal way possible. You know you're right, you're advising them for their own good, but you need to let them save face and not feel attacked. If you can't find an angle that doesn't risk hurting the person's feelings, then you need to weigh the risk of hurting said feelings against the consequences of simply letting the person make a bad decision.
The problem is, is that we're all long distance. It's quite the hassle however that doesn't mean we haven't had misunderstandings when were in person too. I wrote an e-mail hopefully conveying I was sorry and didn't mean to hurt his feelings and that we shouldn't cut off the trip without trying to resolve the issue.
In the future, you might try to phrase things more tactfully, but I think Jim probably would've reacted badly to you telling him his idea is terrible no matter how much applesauce you served it in.
So yeah, I can see why you responded the way you did.
Here's the problem, though: you know that pets are a serious responsibility, and I know they are, and a few people on these boards do... but to the vast majority of the North American population, pets are semi-disposable entertainment objects who are neat to have around as long as they're cute and do tricks, but the minute they pick up a stomach bug and puke on the floor, or chew through an XBox cord because nobody trained them otherwise, or grow from a kitten into a cat... well, animals are just so much work, and it's, like, totally not worth it, so it's easier to just take it back. Or to dump it at the side of a road somewhere. Or to keep it around physically, but completely neglect it - maybe banish it outside.
There is no nice way to tell somebody that they're completely wrong in their understanding of how animals should be treated. Hell, sometimes, there's no way at all - some people just refuse to even consider the idea that pets suffer from neglect, and that their happiness and health are actually important enough for their owners to sacrifice something for.
So. What do you do, in your current situation? You could try sending him an email saying "Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to offend you, but animal rights are something I feel very strongly about, and here's why. [Information]." He could do one of a few things: he could say "Gosh, I never looked at it that way, thank you for enlightening me!" (not bloody likely), he could say "Yeah, just forget it" and after a bit of awkwardness you could go back to being good friends again, or he could say "Fuck you and your hippie bullshit, animals don't have feelings, I'll get a fucking husky to keep in my apartment if I goddamned want to," in which case you can sit back and seriously reconsider whether you can maintain a friendship with him despite your significant differences in opinion on the issue.
As for your road trip... the bus is certainly an option. You could also get a 15 day rail pass, or look into something like a Green Tortoise tour. Even if your friend does come around on this particular issue, it sounds like this trip is a pretty big deal, and having to rely on a single driver is risky: you should never let your enjoyment and security be held hostage by one person. What if he decides halfway through the trip that he's driven enough, and wants to go home? What if some other minor issue sets him off a week before you're scheduled to leave, and he throws a hissy fit and says "Pool's closed, fuck you, I ain't driving"?
Make your own arrangements for the trip. It'll be one less thing to worry about, and with the cost of gas the way it is, taking the train or bus or a tour probably won't be any more expensive than driving.
You asked a general question so I'll give you a general answer.
The best thing you can do with any friend, significant other, or family member you actually care about, is to be direct and honest and upfront from the get-go. How to do so without hurting their feelings is of course the delicate thing.
The fact of the matter is is that there is no base method with how to break bad news to someone. It always depends on the situation and, of course, the person you're talking to, and even things like current mood will be wildcards.
SCENARIO 1 - You are offering unsolicited advice to a friend that you think needs to hear it.
Instead, you need to package your advice in such a way that he doesn't feel like an idiot (which he likely did if you said what you say you said). Don't assume he didn't think about time commitments, just ask "so you're going to tweak your schedule to accommodate the dog?" ASSUME he already knows about the issue, then ask a question that subtly probes what he plans to DO about the issue. If he asks "what do you mean?" then he has admitted that he doesn't know what you're talking about, so you can go ahead and explain the issue and situation plainly without offending him.
If he doesn't believe you, just shrug and say, "That's just my experience, dude, but you do what you want." And that's absolutely true. You may disagree, you may think he's an idiot, but at the end of the day he's going to do whatever he wants to do. It sucks, but there it is. As a friend, you'll have to respect that. Just be prepared to deal with shit when it hits the fan later on.
The best thing you can do is make sure he has all the information necessary to make a proper decision. Everything else after that is up to him, and when things DO go wrong because he didn't listen, you don't really get to say "I told you so." All you get to do is repeat your advice and hope that this time, he listens harder.
Again, this is all GENERAL stuff. It comes down to what kind of person you're talking to, so you'll have to use your own instincts, your own empathy, your own understanding of their personality, to decide how to package your advice.
SCENARIO 2 - You are giving advice to a friend who asked for it.
Lead them to the answer. Ask them questions that guide them to the answer. Prompt them. You can even say, "You should do this. Do you know why?" and if they don't, ask them the questions that force them (or, eventually, you) to give answers that help them see what you mean. If they do, ask them to explain why so that they hear it for themselves in a way that makes sense to them (and thus you can correct them on the way).
Giving them advice is meaningless if they do not know why your advice is what it is.
So to take the dog example again, let's pretend Jim asked you what you thought of owning a dog.
YOU: "I think you need to sit down and have a long think about this. Know why?" (this implies that you disapprove, but without using negatives like "bad idea" or "stupid" etc)
HIM: "I dunno what you mean."
YOU: "Well, how much time goes into properly caring for a dog?"
HIM: "A lot, right? Like, walking, medical care, proper attention."
YOU: "How many hours a day do you think that is?"
HIM: "I dunno. I don't get your point."
YOU: "How many free hours do you have in a day, between school, work, sleep, and your club activities?"
HIM: "Not a ton."
That's obviously overly simplified, but I mean, it gives you an idea on how to prompt someone to realize for themselves what the issues really are. They may be asking for advice, this is true, but sometimes they only do it to reassure themselves that they're making the right choice... not because they actually don't know what to do. Because of this possibility, you have to see how likely they are to be defensive when it's revealed that they don't even know what the actual problem is, and act accordingly.
SCENARIO 3 - Giving bad news OR initiating a confrontation.
In this case you need to make sure your head is clear and you know what to say. It's best if you've already had your emotional reaction and are now approaching the subject rationally. Make sure he, too, is in a mood where he is willing to listen to you (as a friend).
Emphasize at every juncture that you are only saying what you are saying as a friend. I'll use one of my own experiences (telling a friend I was sick of her dumb drama shit) as an example.
When raising the subject, I don't tell her that I'm sick of her dumb drama shit. I tell her instead that there is something very sensitive I need to talk to her about and I wanted to know what she thought. This way, she doesn't feel victimized, she feels like she is involved in what comes next and that her input is valued. It's a conversation, a two-way street. Not a one-way round of bitching.
I take a deep breath... body language is important. I slump my shoulders, face her full-on, make hesitant eye contact... little cues to let her know that this is not pleasant for me. Then I speak as plainly as I can, "I'm starting to get annoyed at how you deal with guys."
I let her react, then I reiterate: "I'm only saying this because I value you as a friend I feel like I owe you honesty, and I value what you think of me just like I hope you value what I think of you, too. I respect you a ton for many things, but it's just this one hiccup that I feel I need to get off my chest. I respect you too much to talk about this shit behind your back and I'd rather talk to you directly about it." This shows you are being fair here, that you want to be a good friend just as much as you want HER to be a good friend.
I explain in more depth what I mean, choosing my words carefully, making sure she can't misinterpret what I am trying to say. I raise examples to illustrate. "Well, basically, every time you get caught up in drama with guys, you seem to put yourself in situations that ENCOURAGE the drama. Like a few weeks ago at Muse? You put three guys that you KNOW wanted to sleep with you IN THE SAME ROOM as one another, then turned around and whined about how you didn't know how to deal with it. I told you that night what I thought and I'll tell you again now: you could've not invited all three of them!"
Then I soften the blow.
"It's not that it bugs ME, per se, it's that you tell me you're stressed by this stuff yet you repeatedly put yourself in these situations. It worries me because I don't want you to be stressed. So I'm telling you this because it bugs me that you're stressed, and it also bugs me that you don't seem to realize what you can do to AVOID generating stress." (Note that I do not use the word "drama" at all.)
None of this is dishonest: it's true! The confrontation is taking place because I don't want to deal with it anymore. The WAY it's taking place is to make sure she realizes that what she does bothers me.
So the trick is to find ways to soften your touch. Show that you're motivated to confront your friend because you want to preserve your friendship, not because you're pissed at him/her. You might be pissed, sure, but you're probably more pissed because they're your friend and they're acting stupidly and if they stay stupid you won't be as close a friend anymore, right?
The thing to always remember is that it takes two to tango, but because you're raising the issue (YOU'RE the one that has the problem and needs to be honest about it), yours is the touch that has to be softer and more accommodating. No one likes to be told they're wrong, even if they know they are.
Don't TELL them they're wrong. Let them REALIZE it through the course of your conversation. In fact, don't TELL them to do or think anything! Lead them to your point, help them realize where YOU're coming from on their own.
It's about empathy. The more you empathize, the easier it becomes to be tactful yet honest with someone.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think on how YOU would want to hear bad news if you were in their situation, if you had their personality. It's not about gauging what's right for you to say, it's also about figuring out what's right for them to hear so that the message gets heard... instead of being blocked out because they start to get too defensive.
EDIT: As an aside, I tend to hang out with people who respond to my personality positively, and mine is one that is aggressive and upfront, so I'll say what I think to anyone who asks (sometimes when they DON'T ask). I use a softer touch when strangers come to me for help and advice, or for when a friend needs support more than they need a lecture.
e.g. I don't know how I'd cope with a dog as well as school and having a job it would seem like so much work as they always need attention and the vets bills these days are horrendous. Maybe I'd try getting a fish first, see if I could keep it alive. etc. etc..
See, I disagree with this. If someone you care about comes to you to inform you that they're about to do something monumentally stupid, I think you are duty bound as a friend to at least be honest with them. In this case, there is the welfare of the animal as well, which way too many people tend to ignore (Not just in actual care, but in taking into account when weighing options).
I also take issue with you saying "too poor and immature to get a dog and should instead get something more suited to a grade schooler." Seriously, what's wrong with that? Caring for pets has a learning curve and if this dude has never had a pet, than the 'grade schooler' pet sounds ideal to start learning. Besides, fish are much harder to care for than you make it seem. If they're a grade schooler pet, why do so many adults end up with dead fish within a couple years of buying them, or less?
I'm thinking that you did right, you shouldn't have pulled any punches, and you did it while respecting your friend and caring about what this decision would do to him, his roommates and the dog itself, which is admirable. Him bailing on a road trip because you wouldn't support him when one of the people going has had to do as much as Angie did to make it happen is childish selfishness, plain and simple. Frankly, it shows that you are completely right about warning him; the man is too immature to handle caring for a pet as demanding as a dog.
Yeah, it was the first scenario. I just know its hard because I go to school full time, I have two dogs and I'm trying to get a part time job on top of that. He asked me what I'd do once I got one (because then I'd be in the same situation) and I already know my money is going towards putting my dogs into a decent day care for them to socialize and to be tired out when they get home.
I sent the apology last night (I didn't state that we shouldn't quit the road trip because it'd be good to see him, but because of all the work we put into this, especially Angie, but I meant it'd be good to see each other) and Angie apologized too saying he could get a dog and a fish (I think to get on his good side again) but he still hasn't written us back.
Normally when he's mad he goes and disappears. You'd think nothing happened and he'd go off on his own because someone said something and it pissed him off. I can't say I'm much better at discussing problems, but I eventually come around to it. It's been this way for awhile, and I don't know how to talk with him anymore because everything I'd want to talk about he's just not up for because it breaks his optimistic views.
Recently I felt my friendships were starting to die, and I went offline for a bit because I was extremely busy at this point in time as well. When I came back I told him how I felt and how I didn't feel close to anyone anymore and that I was a bit jealous he was hanging out with his room mates more than me (even going so far as to call them family) and instead of talking it out with me he attacked me saying that I was making a snow storm out of a snow globe and that I now know how it feels because I was always going away to do stuff with my family. I felt that was unfair but I let it slide, and now this has come up and it just doesn't seem cool he gets away with saying shit and I can't.
It's just frustrating.
I have no useful advice on this front so I'll shut up now.
Normally, I would be calling him out on his behavior and there would be the long period of silence that surely follows. However, I always do that and I figured MAYBE it was my lack of being sensitive and being honest at the same time that I wanted to nip this in the bud before continuously doing this people. I figured if this kept happening, the "You're being mean when you're being honest" then it might be something I'm doing. Then again there is the "You don't open up emotionally" and "You're too melodramatic" problems that keep getting thrown at me as well...
Plus, I already pushed back a surgery for this trip (wisdom teeth), was looking forward to it, my friend spent a ton of money just to come to America to have a good time and I want to try to solve this like an adult. I'm still waiting for him to accept our apologies, but if not then this thread will soon become a "How do I go from South Carolina to New York cheaply?" problem. She doesn't drive nor do I, and I barely have money as it is.
Oh I am. Sorry Vivixenne, that is great advice and I will keep it at the forethought of my memory when looking for ways to be honest while tactful. I didn't mean to not thank you for the advice
I quoted you Sir Headless VII to just tell you that yes that is what I did, the offering my opinion when he just stated he was thinking about getting the dog and weighing the pros and cons on his own.
This.
It seems to me that Jim obviously has some things bugging him, and your disagreement was what broke the camels back so to speak.
Personally I wouldn't apologise, because he's being a complete cock and you're absolutely in the right. He asked your for your advice and you gave it.
Unless of course you're way of giving the honest truth is brutal, verbal rape of course. I don't know how your tone and body language came across to him, which might have had an effect, but from what I've read you're in the right and Jim just completely overreacted.
Oh, and explain to him about your friend coming all the way from Australia just for this.
He didn't exactly ASK, he stated and I responded by telling him that at this moment having a dog wouldn't be a good idea, but that later on in life he could get one. This was all done online.
And he knows she's coming all the way from Australia for this, but he's mad at her too. He said he'd pay for her ticket from Tampa (where he is at) to Philadelphia (where I'm at) so he wouldn't have to see her.
Yeah, I understand.
Jeeze, what a bother. I'm not sure what to say other than good luck.
That' or save longer.