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Mom's a flip floppin' psycho. [Wall of text!]

AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
edited November 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Alrighty, lets start out with a LOT of background:
I'm 19, my boyfriend (We'll call him Peter, cause screw it, that's his name) is 20, and my mom is nearly 50.
My mother, let me just say, has a lot of mental issues that I've learned to deal with over the course of my life. She has severe anxiety, Depression, OCD, and ADD of sorts, and she may be bi-polar. She's on Lexipro, but it hardly seems to work. In fact, it seems to make her worse, but she dosn't want to change medication cause he likes how she is whatever okay mom, cool. I'm not going to make her change her medication if she doesn't want to. Anyway, she's also going through menopause.

Lately, I have not been able to handle her. At all. And she's been sending me through a complete emotional rollercoaster. Basically, a couple of weeks ago, she told me she wanted a divorce from my dad. Her reasoning? We don't clean the house enough, he mentally abuses her by being 'sarcastic' (Basically, if he disagrees with her, he's being "sarcastic". She doesn't know the meaning of the word Sarcasm), we don't stick up for her enough (an example she used was when she wrote a nasty email about one of her good friends/co-workers to another co-worker, and her good friend found the email, got really mad at the hateful email, and fired her. She expected my dad and I to stick up for her even though what she wrote was awful, nasty, and downright uncalled for. This was 3 years ago, and she won't freakin' drop it.), and she also wants a divorce cause she doesn't like Peter (awesome, right?)

Now, during that episode as she's blaming us, my dad and I are sobbing on the couch while she sits on the chair adjacent to us. We're basically begging her not to leave, and she just sits there, coldly, not showing emotion. Then she just freakin' laughs, and tells my dad she doesn't love him any more. Welp, that just sends me through a whirl!
Anyway, after that episode, she decides to "give you and your father another chance". Aaaand we end up basically dropping everything for her. She says something ridiculous? Stick up for her or else she'll leave! I have to do Laundry? Freakin' do it, or else she'll leave!
"Alyce! Come down and do the dishes!"
"Hold on mom, I'm doing HW. I told you this!"
'[husband], did you HEAR that!? That was incredibly Sarcastic and you didn't DO anything about it. THIS is what I'm talking about"
[Dad proceeds to walk upstairs, rolls his eyes, tells me my mom is a little nuts, but please do the dishes so she'll calm down]
God darn it.

So, after a while of that, she decides she wants to leave again. Oh and I forgot to mention that she's also going through some mid-life crisis, where she found the wiccan religion, wants to get piercing (she just got a belly button piercing), dropped all her old friends for her new wiccan friends, taking up bellydancing lessons (even when we don't have the money to spend on it), and is basically going out every single night with those friends, and not spending any time with her family, and is complaining that she needs her personal space, and we're not giving her any. She's acting like a 13 year old. I don't want a sister figure, I want a mom.

SO yeah, she decides she wants to leave again, my dad and I get sad. Then she wants to stay, my dad and I are confused. Then she makes several comments randomly to me about when she moves out, I can do whatever, cause she won't be here (wtf?), I get upset, and my dad gets pissed at her for the completely left field, uncalled for comments to me. THEN..everything's sort of back to normal. They're kissing eachother goodbye, I'm happy (however confused), dad's happy (however, confused as well), and things are peachy.

NOW, last night, she left and went to my grandma's a mile down the road to live cause now she's sick of Peter [my boyfriend]
My mom and Peter do NOT get along. At all. They clash so hard they could be Titans.

Some info on Peter:
He's a really responsible guy, and treats me with love and respect, as well as the rest of my family. My father loves him, and so does everyone else. He's a logical guy, and tells you how it is. No bullcrap, just straightforward truth. I respect that, as I hate bull. You treat him with respect, he treats you with respect. He's also in the National Guard. Just an all around decent human being. One of the big reasons he doesn't like my mom is the fact that she's putting my father and I through heck.

Now, my mom doesn't like him. He's not too thrilled about my mom either. She invades his personal space (poking him when he said to stop it several times), asks him questions, and when she tries to answer, doesn't listen and just ignores him.
Example: the 3 of us were in the car, and mom asks Peter a question. He tries to answer, but it's obvious that she's not listening again. He gets pissed, and asks if she was listening. She says no. Peter tries to explain that if she doesn't listen, they why bother asking him something in the first place. She laughs, and proceeds to turn up the radio, while continuing to laugh. Peter proceeds to fume.
After that, we get home, peter goes to his house, and my mom proceeds to tell me that she "hates his f-ing guts" and reminds her of her old boyfriend that beat the crap out of her, and that im "digging my own grave". of course, I get horrendously upset.

Anyway, now she left cause she can't handle Peter. She said to my dad that if Peter's in the house, she's going to my grandma's to stay.

I don't know what to do about this. I'm head over heals for Peter, and he's not done anything wrong to me or my family at all. And now, I feel like I need to choose between him or my mom, and I don't want to do that at all.

This morning, my dad and I agreed that we're both sick of my mom changing her mind about everything, and if she decides to leave then basically F her. I duno...I hate seeing my father like this, and I hate this situation. I love Peter, and I also love my mom, but I hate what my mom is putting me through. I do NOT want to break up with him and absolutely will NOT, but I don't know what to do. I don't even know what to think of this situation.

Help?

AlyceInWonderland on
«1

Posts

  • mrbernzmrbernz Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    My suggestion would be to move out if possible. If not, don't hang out with the boyfriend at your house. Go out or go to his place. Maybe it's time to have a serious conversation with your dad and ask if he can truly put up with your mom for the rest of his life or if they need to part ways. It would be sad for them to split, but it may be for the better.

    mrbernz on
  • SatanIsMyMotorSatanIsMyMotor Fuck Warren Ellis Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Wow. I don't really have a lot of advice to offer but I can say that you need to stick with the people who support you - seemingly your bf and your dad.

    Has your mom had counceling and such? Sounds like she could benefit from it.

    SatanIsMyMotor on
  • Richard_DastardlyRichard_Dastardly Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    mrbernz wrote: »
    Maybe it's time to have a serious conversation with your dad and ask if he can truly put up with your mom for the rest of his life or if they need to part ways. It would be said for them to split, but it may be for the better.

    If she refuses to help herself, then this might be the only option. No matter how much you are your father care for her, you simply can't let her ruin your lives.

    Richard_Dastardly on
  • taerictaeric Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    Has she always been this way? Sounds like she needs dedicated and continual professional help. If this has been an ongoing thing, I have the utmost sympathy for your father.

    As far as things you can try, counseling might help. If only for a place to vent your frustrations to someone.

    I hesitate to say anything you can personally do. Especially if you want to make your mother happy, as it sounds like this has never happened. (I'm reminded of the quote from Garden State where the main character points out to his dad that they can never return to a happy/normal state, as they have never been in one.)

    taeric on
  • OremLKOremLK Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    mrbernz wrote: »
    My suggestion would be to move out if possible. If not, don't hang out with the boyfriend at your house. Go out or go to his place. Maybe it's time to have a serious conversation with your dad and ask if he can truly put up with your mom for the rest of his life or if they need to part ways. It would be sad for them to split, but it may be for the better.

    This. Since you're an adult, you're free to go ahead and say "this is not my problem anymore", which sounds cold, but sometimes you just get to the point where that's necessary. If your dad wants to stay with her, that's up to him, but you can make the choice to move out as soon as you're capable... and it sounds to me like you should, given the situation.

    OremLK on
    My zombie survival life simulator They Don't Sleep is out now on Steam if you want to check it out.
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    She has been to therapy previously in life for YEARS, but stopped a couple years ago. I now suggested that she go, and possibly change her medication, and she outright told me no.

    If the divorce was mutual, I would have no problem, but seeing my father like this really tears me down, and her wishing Peter go overseas??? That's horrible!
    All I know is that if she DOES leave, the car is in my fathers name, and my dad pays all the bills, and my mom hasn't had a proper job in YEARS (my dad completely supported her financially), so there wouldn't be any financial issues for my dad and I if she leaves.

    I'm still dependant on my father (My job doesn't pay me enough for me to afford a place to live, even if I split the rent with Peter), so I can't leave, and if I did, I'd feel bad if I left my father alone in the house after my mom leaves. I hate seeing my dad alone, and upset, as he always supported my mom and I. Peter feels the same way, as not only has my father gotten him his current, well paying job, but also allowed him to live in our house rent free for several months to get him on his feet. My father is an upstanding gent, and I hate seeing him like this.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    I mean, maybe you're over-exaggerating the situation here but your mother sounds genuinely honest-to-god crazy. I'd be looking into getting a doctor to make that diagnosis official and force her to get treatment.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Wow. You have my condolences, but wow. It's quite clear she's all shades of crazy and really has no compassion (as likely she is very probably insane medically and doesn't know it). She needs to be admitted to a psych ward, but that's just my opinion. It's not healthy and she's tearing down everything and everyone in her path because of it.

    That said, it's very painful to let go and get past this, especially with someone like your mother (and your dad's wife in this case whom he's probably spent 20 some odd years with if not more). But it sometimes has to be done, it'll be hard, but you can't honestly say that it's healthy to put up with crazy for the next 40 some odd years. She may very well just need a change in medication to make this all go away.

    Other than that, not sure. It seems both you and your dad are unwilling or unable to do that, and it all seems rather unfortunate. I'd just rather not see you both pay the consequence when her crazy mutates into utter batshit insane.

    Find someone at social services or the nearest social worker ASAP to help you with this.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Unfortunately, I think I may be downplaying her a bit. She's a nutbar. I never wanted to admit it, but she is. My friends agree, my dad agrees, Peter agrees. See, the thing is, she never used to be like this. She was a compassionate woman. Still crazy, but not as completely selfish as she is now. She's gone overboard. That ENTIRE side of the family is just....wow. nuts. Every single sibling (6) on that side of the family has been divorced at least once (some up to 5), my grandmother (who I love dearly, but is also insane and STUPID) has been divorced 3 times, and her father has a history of abusive and selfish behavior. her parents are screwed up, so I can see how this effected her...but I don't know anymore. SHe needs to grow up and realize that she's hurting her own child and her husband who has supported her for 25 years.

    I'm just glad I take after my dad.


    And I really do wish I could move out. Reallllly really wish I could. But I financially can not do that. Bleh.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • RyeRye Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Some people expect different things from a relationship. It seems like your mom wants to be number one in your father's eyes, even to his children. I had a friend who grew up in a house like this, only the the other case happened: The parents both agreed to love each other more than their children.

    It sounds sad and evil, but it comes down to the choice: DO they put the children first and have their relationship suffer or do they put each other first and let the children suffer?

    OCD + Depression is a tricky thing. Your have to appease the person because if you don't, they spiral down the tube. They always seem like they don't even want to help themselves. DON'T assume (during one of their fits) that they never do anything to help themselves and that they're dragging you down with them. You can only talk and help them between fits. I say between because it WILL happen again if you can't get professional, medical help. It sucks because when things start to look up, you may find yourself just counting the days till they go back to shit and you won't even enjoy the respite.

    You have to address the problem sideways. You can't wait till she's done and confront her head on about it. You have to ask her how SHE feels about in general, ask if SHE wants help (to which she will probably either say no or doesn't know what you can do), and keep asking her over time. You need to bite your tongue and get her to a point where eventually she opens up, realizes things the way they are, and you reach some sort of temporary resolution. Don't suggest therapy or anything if she doesn't. Baby steps...

    If you suggest therapy, suggest something else at the same time. If you don't give her a "choice", she probably won't do it.

    Rye on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Rye, I don't know... appeasing a crazy person hardly works out and it sounds like you were dealing with a genuinely crazy person who didn't know they were (and was just classified as OCD or bipolar) or weren't getting the proper medical regiment (not all drugs work the same for all people with the same disease).

    The mother really needs help, and it seems she's not wanting to do it because she doesn't like to. Which is too god damned bad, you can't not do things because you don't like to do them if it means the consequence is emotionally destroying a person every fucking day.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • mrbernzmrbernz Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Peter feels the same way, as not only has my father gotten him his current, well paying job, but also allowed him to live in our house rent free for several months to get him on his feet. My father is an upstanding gent, and I hate seeing him like this.
    Is he still leaving in your parent's house? If so, that's probably not helping the situation with your mom. You are really between a rock and a hard place on this one. Any decision you make will have hurt feelings. Not to make you alienate yourself but, you care for Peter, and you want him in your life. Your mother doesn't, you need to make the decision that is best for you. Your dad needs to make the decision what he wants to do. It sounds like he still loves your mom, but she doesn't return it, this is unfortunate. That alone makes it sound like that can't continue long term unless she changes. Now, I don't want to be guy on the internet that is know as the "home wrecker," but it sounds like your dad and you need to leave her if she is not willing to get help for herself and/or change.

    mrbernz on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I'm just afraid that I'm going to have to choose between someone who I see myself spending my life with (there is a possibility), and my mother who is slowly draining me.

    I know my mom is going to constantly tell me that she wants peter gone, and it's severely stressing me out to the point where my 'cycle' hasn't come for MONTHS (i'm not pregnant).

    Edit: Peter has his own place now, and has had for months.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    You have to do what makes you happy. Unfortunately this is the exact advice I offer for a dying mother.

    You put yourself and your happiness before your mother's. You need to be happy with your partner and your choices, don't let her influence them because she doesn't like them. You'll be happier this way. Plus, you know, it's your fucking life. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever let anyone tell you who to be with, not even Santa Claus.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    There's no fixing somebody at this point. Your best bet is to get as far away from it as possible and try to help your dad. But ultimately that's his problem, too - if anything, he should be leaving her, not the other way around.

    kaliyama on
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  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    So how far down the rabbit hole does someone have to be before you can legally declare them unfit to make their own decisions and have treatment forced on them? It sounds like a proper tea party at your house.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    So how far down the rabbit hole does someone have to be before you can legally declare them unfit to make their own decisions and have treatment forced on them? It sounds like a proper tea party at your house.

    Depending where you live, I think it's up to a doctor to decide mostly. I'm not sure if social services can do it, but they can definitely point you in the right direction or at least help you get away from the house.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot OMG WRIGGLY T O X O P L A S M O S I SRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Don't dump Peter. Seriously. If you teach her that it takes a thousand tantrums and one move-out to get you to drop a huge, positive, significant part of your life, then she will remember that. What if she decides that, say, she wants you to drop out of university so that she can get you do more chores? She'll repeat the same behavior. You need to take a stand. If she refuses to help herself, I'm sorry, but there's really nothing you can do. She needs to take the iniative to get herself help, and that won't happen if you let her do what she wants.

    Dread Pirate Arbuthnot on
  • CodeCode Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    You say that you cannot afford to move out, "even if peter helps with rent" but he already has his own place. So I am not sure how he can afford $X but wouldn't be able to afford $X - $whatever you can help with. unless you would feel bad for not being able to pay fully half the rent. I would imagine he would be willing to shoulder some bit more of the burden to help you out of a truly horrible situation. As far as your father goes, unfortunately, he is a big boy, and must make his own big boy decisions, all you can do, is take care of yourself, I think he would understand.

    Code on
  • taerictaeric Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    I just want to make sure and stresses that your mother needs help from professionals. For whatever reason, she is not able to recognize her support network, and that is not healthy. Likely it is a symptom, but it also leads to other problems. Speaking of which, you might want to consider some counseling yourself. Likely doesn't have to be professional, but that sort of emotional stress is heavy, and you don't need it weighing on you.

    taeric on
  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    Yeah, this whole 'Everybody bail out on the crazy lady' advice is pretty urgh.

    Your mum is kookoo. She needs help, not abandoned. The way she is acting is probably not because she hates you all, it sounds much more like the behaviour of someone who isn't at all right in the head.

    Szechuanosaurus on
  • Rear Admiral ChocoRear Admiral Choco I wanna be an owl, Jerry! Owl York CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I think what people are saying here is that if she refuses to get help, you have to just break it off for the sake of your own sanity, not just abandon her outright.

    That really sounds like the best solution to me.

    Rear Admiral Choco on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Yeah, this whole 'Everybody bail out on the crazy lady' advice is pretty urgh.

    Your mum is kookoo. She needs help, not abandoned. The way she is acting is probably not because she hates you all, it sounds much more like the behaviour of someone who isn't at all right in the head.

    She needs help, most definitely. But keeping yourself in an emotionally abusive situation isn't healthy. Best way to fix the issue is to remove yourself to help piece yourself back together and help the other person seek the assistance they need to get through their problem.

    It'd be really bad to stay in that situation out of a feeling of guilt or anything else. But don't just drop the guns because she's crazy, she still needs help because she's, well, her mother. Removing yourself from the household should be the top priority so you can get your shit together and help her the best way possible.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    My mom is not the sanest person either, and I went to therapy for several years because of it. With the help of my psychologist, I finally realized that the only solution was for me to move out and cultivate a relationship with her that didn't allow her to be in a position of control over any aspect of my life. It sounds like your mother also has control issues, and so the only way you're going to move beyond her sphere of control is by moving out. It may not be easy--I had to work two and three jobs while going to college full time--but it's really the only way. I don't think you should move in with your boyfriend, because that won't prove to your mom that you are self-sufficient and moreover she will see it as you choosing him over her. But maybe there is some other roommate you can find, or maybe they have apartments in your area where they rent by the room and you share common areas with other people, sort of like a dorm. Regardless, the only way to be beyond her reach is to move out.

    I don't know anything beyond what you're telling me here, but let me give you another side to the story that may or may not be remotely applicable, but might give you something to think about. My sister met a guy up at college that she fell madly in love with. He treated her like a queen. My mother, however, decided that he wasn't good enough for her because he didn't finish college and had a crappy job. She treated him poorly and my sister resented her for it. Basically, it turned into a pissing contest in which my sister would defend him no matter what and my mom would attack him at the slightest provocation. The thing was, he wasn't a great guy. He was straightforward to the point of rudeness, he was confrontational, he was immature, he was lazy, he spent money like it was going out of style even though he didn't have any, and he would randomly ditch my sister to go hang out with his buddies without letting her know (sometimes when they had previous plans). But because my mom hated him so much, my sister tolerated faults that she would never have accepted otherwise. To make things worse, no one else could say anything bad about him because she would just assume that my mother had tainted their opinions.

    He moved out recently and she hysterically blamed my mother for all their relationship problems and stopped talking to her. We all supported that because we knew that, with time, she'd figure out that the relationship had failed because it was a shitty relationship, not because of my mother. Sure enough, she is finally getting over him and remembering all the crap he put her through and that my mother, who lives about 500 miles away, wasn't really all that involved in the problems.

    So I guess what I am saying is, don't abandon your mother (or anyone in your family) for a guy. And if any guy advises you to do so, consider it a red flag. But definitely work to change your relationship with your mother, and remember that you can't control her, you can only control how you react to her. In time, she'll see that her manipulation isn't working and she'll stop. If she doesn't, limit your contact with her but be loving when you do talk. It worked for me, and hopefully it will work for you.

    Quoth on
  • OremLKOremLK Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Yeah, this whole 'Everybody bail out on the crazy lady' advice is pretty urgh.

    Your mum is kookoo. She needs help, not abandoned. The way she is acting is probably not because she hates you all, it sounds much more like the behaviour of someone who isn't at all right in the head.

    This is true, but if she refuses to even consider getting treatment, what more can the OP do? In that situation it's better just to get out, in my opinion.

    OremLK on
    My zombie survival life simulator They Don't Sleep is out now on Steam if you want to check it out.
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I'm not going to bail on my mom, she is my mother after all, and despite her crazies, she's made my life rather awesome up until now. She's been an awesome mom, and she would never ask me to drop out of school or anything like THAT, but the things she HAS asked me to do are very unrealistic. The way I see it, is that she has a mind like a child. She has fits, she has tantrums, she thinks every body is picking on her, and going against her, and she wants only her way. She has been a great mom, but lately, I feel like I need to make my distance. She's TOO attached to me (shes confessed to me that if I were to die in an accident or whateverm she'd off herself [wtf] even if I told her I wanted her to live on..). She's over protective, and over bearing, and selfish now, and it's too difficult to deal with, especially now that college is getting more difficult, and now that I have to work every day that I don't have class, leaving me with no days off. I feel like it's one thing after another, and she doesn't realize the stresses cause she's never really had to rely on HERSELF to get through life. She was dependent on everyone else, and expected everyone to bail her out when she gets introuble, and blames everyone else for her faults. It's never HEr fault. and that's how it is on that entire side of the family. Someone else is already blamed.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Alyce, seriously, check out my post. Your mother sounds similar enough to mine that I hope my path will work for you. My mother also has temper tantrums and threatens suicide and blames everyone else for her problems. I've been able to cultivate a successful relationship despite this and I think she has grown as a person as well.

    Quoth on
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2008
    Probably would be a good idea to sit down and talk with your dad about how he thinks it's best to handle everything.

    Sheep on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Yeah, don't dump Peter.

    Look, family is like that. You can love your parents very much, more than anything else -- and still hate being around them. I love my parents because they've been good to me, but I call them out when they say stupid shit, and some of the stuff they do doesn't make any sense to me.

    But really, that's simply the special situation that family has. You can dislike them but still love them. It's not mutually exclusive, like friends (where if you dislike them you have no reason to hang out with them).


    It sounds like you've found something special with Peter, and remember -- this is your life. You only get one. If you stick with Peter and it ends up driving your mom away, you can still think or say "I love you Mom, but you're wrong."

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I think the fact that you are not ready to abandon your father is something that has not been commended enough in this thread. I respect you deeply simply for the fact that you want to be emotionally supportive of your father, and for the fact that the idea of leaving him alone to deal with your mother while you escape bothers you as much as it obviously does.

    The plain truth of it is exactly what you've said: she's your mom. For better or worse, she made you who you are and like you mentioned, she used to be great. Whatever happened to make her as unreasonable as she is nowadays should not and cannot discount that.

    She needs help. She really does. She needs to get a proper diagnosis and get proper counseling and therapy. Whatever she is taking is not working and she needs to recognize that.

    However, getting her to get help is just one part of the solution. The other part is doing your best to manage how you respond to her when she gets this way.

    It's not hard to see (as you yourself made the observation) that she's going through a crisis where she is no longer number one in anyone's lives, and anyone who implies that she shouldn't be number one (i.e., Peter) is basically criminalized. Everything she is doing, she is doing for attention, and her irrationality is exacerbated by her proper lack of treatment.

    Don't give her that attention. You said she's acting like a 13-year-old? Treat her like one. Ignore her tantrums, don't give her the response she wants. She's using the threat to walk out on you and your dad to get what she wants, to get special treatment. She's using her wiccan friends to get her old friends to demand why she doesn't spend time with her old friends anymore.

    Give her no more reaction, response, or compromise, and at the same time, get her to get help. As Quoth said, you can't control her behavior with the same effectiveness your father like can, all you can do is control how you respond to her.

    Encourage your father to be strong, too, and to insist that your mother get help. He'll find a way to do this so long as he knows you have his support... perhaps the original reason for accommodating your mother's whining about leaving was to make sure you don't get hurt in the loss of a mom.

    And as for Peter, avoid hanging out with him at your house. Avoid any situation in which your mother and him have to interact. It sucks, but it keeps conflicts from arising unnecessarily.

    Vivixenne on
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  • GungHoGungHo Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Sounds like the mom has a case of DQS (Drama Queen Syndrome) mixed in with some EV (Emotional Vampirism). The only thing you can do with that is ignore the shit out of it and stop letting yourself be played like a violin. Same with the father.

    GungHo on
  • tsmvengytsmvengy Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I'm not going to bail on my mom, she is my mother after all, and despite her crazies, she's made my life rather awesome up until now. She's been an awesome mom, and she would never ask me to drop out of school or anything like THAT, but the things she HAS asked me to do are very unrealistic. The way I see it, is that she has a mind like a child. She has fits, she has tantrums, she thinks every body is picking on her, and going against her, and she wants only her way. She has been a great mom, but lately, I feel like I need to make my distance. She's TOO attached to me (shes confessed to me that if I were to die in an accident or whateverm she'd off herself [wtf] even if I told her I wanted her to live on..). She's over protective, and over bearing, and selfish now, and it's too difficult to deal with, especially now that college is getting more difficult, and now that I have to work every day that I don't have class, leaving me with no days off. I feel like it's one thing after another, and she doesn't realize the stresses cause she's never really had to rely on HERSELF to get through life. She was dependent on everyone else, and expected everyone to bail her out when she gets introuble, and blames everyone else for her faults. It's never HEr fault. and that's how it is on that entire side of the family. Someone else is already blamed.

    Also it sounds like your mother needs a pastime other than hovering over your every move. Does she have a job or volunteer or anything?

    Of course this would have to come after you and your dad work together to convince her that she needs to get some help.

    tsmvengy on
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  • LudiousLudious I just wanted a sandwich A temporally dislocated QuiznosRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    Alyce, I haven't read the entire thread so if I repeat anything please forgive me.

    I have gone through a very similar situation with a loved one. It sounds like your mom has Borderline Personality Disorder.

    I suggest getting a hold of this book, as a doctor did for me.

    I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

    The first thing you have to understand though is that it's not your fault. You have to stand your ground and live your life. Don't let their insane actions dictate what you do. Don't walk on eggshells. And try to remember, that underneath it all, that's not really who they are.

    Ludious on
  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    It appears at least from your side of the story that your mom is using both you and your dad as a wedge to get her own way. Tantrums, guilt trips, etc. are lots of ways to force people into doing things and putting up with stuff they shouldn't have too. At 19 you have to the power to make a decision that you won't be bullied, and your dad after years of marriage does as well, her selfish behavior is no reason for the three of you normal people to be unhappy, it sounds like you've already done this, but I say call her bluff. Let her leave and see what happens, it may blow up in your face and make things worse, but I don't see how you have any other option really. She's being a child, and children are a lot like dogs, if they figure out they can get y by doing x, they will continue using x as much as possible. Sometimes you just have to stand up and say enough is enough, and damn the consequences. Note, I imagine this will get worse before it gets better, no matter what you do.

    Dark_Side on
  • LudiousLudious I just wanted a sandwich A temporally dislocated QuiznosRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    It definately gets worse before it gets better.

    Ludious on
  • taerictaeric Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited November 2008
    Reading some of the follow ups after what I posted. I apologize if I made it sound like it was a "dump him to satisfy your mother" thing. I don't think it is that binary. I am also unsure as to any advice such as ignoring or avoiding your mother. Without knowing exactly what her illness is, either of these suggestions might make her worse.

    And I do believe your main goal should be your health. As I said, emotionally this is a very heavy thing and can wear on you quite badly. Seek out all of the help that you can. Professionally and personally. (Posting here, I would think, is a great sign that you are willing to seek out help.)

    taeric on
  • GoodKingJayIIIGoodKingJayIII They wanna get my gold on the ceilingRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    My girlfriend is in a very similar situation as you. Her mother creates similar kinds of problems and situations with her behavior, to a slightly lesser degree. Some of this is alleviated because she and I have our own place, but we still get rambling phone calls about what a horrible daughter she is for not living at home, spending all her time fixing up the house, and so forth. She has repeatedly made threats to end her own life, and this has taken its toll on my partner. Recently my partner has taken a lot of steps to change her own behavior, especially towards her mother. We are seeing some results, but we expect these things to take time. As someone is experiencing something similar to your b/f, I'll offer whatever advice I can.

    1) See a psychologist. Not for your mother, for you. Find someone who specializes in family issues, and start up a regular routine with this person. If this kind of thing has been going on for a long time, chances are you have been seriously affected by it. Perhaps you do not even realize it. A doctor can help you learn to deal with your own behavior and to channel your mother's negativity away from you. Don't be afraid to talk to someone outside of your family unit (and I include Peter in this, because it sounds like he is way too close to the situation.) It is not a weakness to talk to a professional. It's ok to need help.

    2) Do not try and change her with words. She is far beyond that point. You will only change her with conditioning, and that may require serious examination of your own habits and behavior, especially towards her. If she starts to see that the same old tactics don't, she will start to drop them.

    3) Be prepared to let her go. This sounds like an extremely unhappy, negative situation. The kind that can reverberate throughout generations. You will reach a point where you are so fed up, so unhappy, and so frustrated that you don't want to take it any more--perhaps you've already reached that point. Your love for your mother and old habits of behavior will pull you back towards her. But the sad reality of life is some people can not or will not see themselves and how they treat others, even their own family. Prepare yourself for this reality.

    4) Know that you deserve to be happy. This is perhaps the most important rule. I am sure you love your mother very much. But she is dragging you down, making you miserable, maybe depressed. You do not deserve this from anyone. Not matter what she says, no matter what familial obligations she throws at you, your happiness is tantamount for your other relationships and your own self-maintenance. Give your mother chances. Help her however you can. But do not forget what you need to be happy. Do not forget what you need to survive. Do not forget yourself.

    GoodKingJayIII on
    Battletag: Threeve#1501; PSN: Threeve703; Steam: 3eeve
  • MeeOkMeeOk Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I agree with what pretty much everybody else has said, but I want to add my two cents as well. If she's hanging out with a bunch of Wiccan folks, she should know better than to play with your emotions so badly. The big rule of paganism = And you harm none, do what thou wilt. She's obviously messing with your head, and your father's head.

    MeeOk on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited November 2008
    I can not express how much I appreciate all of your advice and responses. Hearing that it's not a selfish thing to separate my self from my mother for my own well being gives me so much relief.

    I just got home from school to see my dad sitting alone on the porch in tears, because my mom said that she IS moving out. She also had the audacity to tell my dad that they can "share the car". I think that's absolutely absurd, and my dad agrees. So, he told me if she does leave, he's taking the car (as it's in his name), and changing the bank account number so she can't access it. First of all, she hasn't thought much of this through. She doesn't bring in any money, she will not have a car, nor will she have a cell phone, and she's going to be stuck living at her mom's place (whom she can't stand for more than a day).

    My dad loves my mom very much, and it breaks my heart to not see that get returned to him.

    Also, my dad has a heart condition, and has had a heart attack recently, and I'll be darned if it happens again because of her.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • LudiousLudious I just wanted a sandwich A temporally dislocated QuiznosRegistered User regular
    edited November 2008
    You're doing the right thing. Set boundaries. "Mom I love you but if you want to leave, go right ahead and leave. I have done nothing wrong and neither has dad, and what you're doing is killing us inside. However, I will not change to please you."

    I don't know if she's started the suicide game yet, but BE PREPARED. People with this condition (whether it really is BPD or something else) always tend to go that route. They at least threaten it.

    Expect after she moves out to start crying within a few days about being KICKED OUT of her own home etc.

    Just live your life and do whatever you can do to help her, but do not encourage that negative behaviour. If her hangup of the day is "dump your boyfriend", stand your ground and tell her no.

    Don't let her make any more inroads. If she finds a chink in your armor she will EXPLOIT THE HELL out of it.

    Ludious on
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