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lame super powers

WhippyWhippy Moderator, Admin Emeritus Admin Emeritus
edited December 2006 in Graphic Violence
if you woke up in the morning and suddenly discovered your x-gene was activated, what would you not want to find out your power is

I'm gonna have to go with detachable toes

Whippy on
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    TransporterTransporter Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    if you woke up in the morning and suddenly discovered your x-gene was activated, what would you not want to find out your power is

    I'm gonna have to go with detachable penis

    That's my answer...

    Transporter on
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    MunchMunch Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability to telekinetically control all forms of pudding. Puddinkinesis I guess.

    Munch on
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    bobgorilabobgorila Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    That guy from Doom Patrol who turned into fog and absorbed people, only they stayed around as a part of him, always talking and yelling inside his head.

    That would get pretty lame after a while.

    Or the ability to read books really fast. That would be pretty dull.

    [edit] Puddinkinesis would be pretty rad. I'd be all, "That's some nice pudding you have there OH LOOK! NOW IT IS MINE!"

    bobgorila on
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    ArcibiArcibi Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability to age approximately five times faster than normal would be a pretty lame mutant power

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    The_LightbringerThe_Lightbringer Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Talking to sea animals would get old, FAST.

    The_Lightbringer on
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    hughtronhughtron __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2006
    Talking to sea animals would get old, FAST.

    Ahem.
    AQUAMAN,
    KING OF THE SEVEN SEAS,
    HAS FUCKING HAD IT
    WITH YOU, MAN

    First off, I don't talk to them. OK?

    That's, like, the first thing. Let's start there.

    It's not like I'm all, Hey, Peter Pufferfish, what's up? and he's all, Yo, nothing much, brah.

    It doesn't work like that, all right? I mean, most of them don't even have brains, for one thing. They have maybe a bump at one end of their spinal cord, a pimply little swelling of ganglia, if they're lucky.

    Language is not a looming issue, is what I'm saying.

    No, how it works is: I command them. Period, the end. Command, as in bend them to, you know, my will and whatnot. Fuckin' A.

    Even the ones with actual for-real brains, the cetaceans. If I want, you know, a pod of Burmeister's porpoise to ram the hell out of Black Manta's Manta Sub, that shit gets done. If I totally want, like, a southern minke whale to go hump a giant squid (its most hated enemy, by the way), I just go doodoodoodoodoodoo and it's like Show World down there. Not that I would, because, you know, gross, but I'm just saying: I don't ask. I'm not going to be all, If you wouldn't mind terribly much, please, Mr. Southern Minke Whale, go get your nasty freak on with that giant squid.

    Just, you know, FYI.

    And it's not training. I read that on some blog: "He just trains them to do all that."

    Dude, I can get 6 million krill to gunk up the engine of a getaway ship by having them hurl themselves up the intake jets. Mass sea-monkey suicide. OK? Try that shit with operant conditioning, with some big-titted blondie waggling a smelt, see what you get. Think they're meting out kick-ass sea justice over at Epcot? Shyeah.

    But everyone takes their shot. Fucking YouTube and shit. Cartoon Network. Suddenly every hacky comic's got a tight five-minute chunk on lame old Aquaman. "Haw haw haw, he's so laaaaame, hee hee hee, go talk to a guppy!"

    It's all good. Somehow I manage to suffer through it. I soldier bravely the fuck on, comforted only by the small but telling fact that I'm absolute goddamn ruler of—what was it again?—oh, yeah: the EARTH.

    The PLANET.

    And you, you're, like, star of open-mike night at the Mirth Shack in Jacksonville. And your MySpace blog? OMG! ROTFLMAO!

    You used to be cool, man.

    When you were a kid, you'd sit at the bottom of the Stupaks' pool, remember? Used to sit there and pretend the kickboard between your knees was Storm the Giant Seahorse, and you'd stay under for as long as you could, going doodoodoodoodoodoo.

    Remember there was that orange T-shirt you had? Remember that? That was cool.

    You sure seemed like a happy little kid.

    But, you know, I get it. Whatever, that was a long time ago. Now you're all, Wonder Woman never even let him fly her plaaaane, and whatnot. And that's, you know, fine.

    I could command you. You, those Robot Chicken assholes, alla y'all. Command you all to, you know, quit it.

    I don't make, like, a big deal about that, but I could. You're just a fish at heart, dude. Down deep in your forebrain. I fuckin' could.

    But I won't. That's not how I roll. I'm a hero. Plus, I'm King of the Seven Seas, so, you know, I got shit to do, right?

    No, it's fine. You rock on with your bad self, dude. Mazel tov.

    Seriously, though, leave my lady out of it. That's not cool, man. Mera, she doesn't get it like I do. She's sensitive. I start hearing you talking shit about her, or her hard-water powers, or that time she turned evil, and I will fuck your shit up. Count on it.

    hughtron on
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    Conditional_AxeConditional_Axe Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability to move super slow.

    STAND STILL, EVILDOERS! EVENTUALLY, THE SLOTH WILL THWART YOUR ASS!

    Conditional_Axe on
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    MunchMunch Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Well, at least if you're super slow you'll likely have a sloth-like metabolism, which means you don't have to eat very often and it'll take you like, an hour or two to drown.

    Also, I think being blind but having sonar vision would kind of suck. It's like, wow, you have the power to be colorblind.

    Munch on
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    revolverevolve Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Being able to plant O.J. Simpson's bloody glove at will.

    revolve on
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    robosagogorobosagogo Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Munch wrote:
    Well, at least if you're super slow you'll likely have a sloth-like metabolism, which means you don't have to eat very often and it'll take you like, an hour or two to drown.

    Also, I think being blind but having sonar vision would kind of suck. It's like, wow, you have the power to be colorblind.
    360 degree vision?

    robosagogo on
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    KnobKnob TURN THE BEAT BACK InternetModerator mod
    edited October 2006
    you ever read strikeforce: morituri

    the ability to make plants bloom by touching them


    not grow

    just bloom

    Knob on
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited October 2006
    The power to check people's IPs just by looking at them.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    MunchMunch Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    robosagogo wrote:
    360 degree vision?

    I was thinking less like comic Daredevil's powers, and more like movie Daredevil's, where he had to make a sound, which would then go forward and bounce off objects, then bounce back to him, which is kind of more like how real sonar operates, to the best of my knowledge.

    Oh, and how about the power to teleport items less than one inch cubed? I always thought that would be a neat power that seems lame at a glance, but cool upon further inspection. Like somebody could just use a gun and then teleport the bullets as they emerged from the barrel. Or teleport a Dixie cup filled with Sprite directly into someone's brain.

    Munch on
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    Target PracticeTarget Practice Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Mr. Immortal's power has to be about the worst ever, at least in terms of superheroism

    Plus if you're given to depression and boredom, the inability to kill yourself would probably drive you insane

    I was going to answer with that chick from Beauty and the Beast who could change the colors of things, but that could be a cool power if you wanted to be an artist or something.

    Target Practice on
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    Romero ZombieRomero Zombie Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability to shrink my head, and only my own.

    Romero Zombie on
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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Sally Floyd's daughter... her mutant ability to grow younger and younger until she died...

    homo superior my ass

    Sentry on
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    wrote:
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    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
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    ServoServo Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2006
    the ability to travel through time, but only backwards

    Servo on
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    MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability for my tongue to change color would suck. Or having people be allergic to the pheremones I can't control.

    Malkor on
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    AzraelAzrael Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Azrael on
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    fightinfilipinofightinfilipino Angry as Hell #BLMRegistered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Servo wrote:
    the ability to travel through time, but only backwards

    wouldn't that actually be sort of neat? you could play the stock market, be an amazingly accurate consultant of sorts, or maybe bring with you a neat sports almanac that told you the results of every athletic event up to the date you traveled back in time for games of "chance".

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    NogsNogs Crap, crap, mega crap. Crap, crap, mega crap.Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    the ability to grow paper cuts, think anti-healing factor. Might be useful if you're emo though.

    Nogs on
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    ServoServo Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2006
    Servo wrote:
    the ability to travel through time, but only backwards

    wouldn't that actually be sort of neat? you could play the stock market, be an amazingly accurate consultant of sorts, or maybe bring with you a neat sports almanac that told you the results of every athletic event up to the date you traveled back in time for games of "chance".

    no, i don't think it would be neat at all

    you'd just keep going back and maye you were hoping that time was cyclical and eventually you'd get back home but nope

    linear

    Servo on
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    NogsNogs Crap, crap, mega crap. Crap, crap, mega crap.Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    I'd probably jsut use the backwards only time thing in small doses. never more than a day or two. Probably more like 2-5 minute travels, so I can "do-over" a lot of little things.

    Nogs on
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    ServoServo Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2006
    Nogs wrote:
    I'd probably jsut use the backwards only time thing in small doses. never more than a day or two. Probably more like 2-5 minute travels, so I can "do-over" a lot of little things.

    actually, good point


    that would be rad

    Servo on
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    fightinfilipinofightinfilipino Angry as Hell #BLMRegistered User regular
    edited October 2006
    oh, ok then.






    it'd be really lame to grow wings but not be able to fly.

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    ServoServo Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited October 2006
    the ability to instantly know who farted at any time within a 20 mile radius

    Servo on
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    MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Servo wrote:
    Nogs wrote:
    I'd probably jsut use the backwards only time thing in small doses. never more than a day or two. Probably more like 2-5 minute travels, so I can "do-over" a lot of little things.

    actually, good point


    that would be rad

    Until you get drunk one night and wake up during the Big Bang.

    Malkor on
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    A duck!A duck! Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited October 2006
    How about that Marvel dude whose power was having two maggots that would burrow out of his stomach? I don't think I'd want that.

    A duck! on
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    JordynJordyn Really, Commander? Probing Uranus. Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    So when Framling sent an e-mail to all his groomsmen he wrote little fake biographies for each one, and my little brother's said "Logan has the ability to transmutate any substance into mashed potatoes except for something that I can't remember which he could transmutate into a pile of ticks."

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    BedigumxBedigumx Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    Malkor wrote:
    Servo wrote:
    Nogs wrote:
    I'd probably jsut use the backwards only time thing in small doses. never more than a day or two. Probably more like 2-5 minute travels, so I can "do-over" a lot of little things.

    actually, good point


    that would be rad

    Until you get drunk one night and wake up during the Big Bang.

    i think mutant powers and drinking in general are just a bad idea. Like, if I was Nightcrawler and trying to skip paying cover at a bar I'd try to teleport in, overshoot it, then OH SHIT ONCOMING TRAFFIC

    Bedigumx on
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    Black_HeartBlack_Heart Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability to temporarily negate mental retardation so that they can think and act like normal people as long as I am concentrating on negating it.

    Because I mean, yeah it would be a treat for them, but then I would have all these handicapped people following me around asking me to use my powers on them all the time.

    Black_Heart on
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    Target PracticeTarget Practice Registered User regular
    edited October 2006
    The ability to temporarily negate mental retardation so that they can think and act like normal people as long as I am concentrating on negating it.

    Because I mean, yeah it would be a treat for them, but then I would have all these handicapped people following me around asking me to use my powers on them all the time.
    That would have been an interesting spin on Flowers for Algernon

    Target Practice on
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    FuruFuru Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    The power to manipulate the winds....up to speeds of 11 miles per hour.

    Unless you want to get some raking done, I doubt it matters.


    The real worst super power though? That mutant kid in that issue of Ultimate X-Men.

    You know the one.

    Furu on
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    Bad KarmaBad Karma Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Furu wrote:
    The power to manipulate the winds....up to speeds of 11 miles per hour.

    Unless you want to get some raking done, I doubt it matters.


    The real worst super power though? That mutant kid in that issue of Ultimate X-Men.

    You know the one.

    s'plain?

    Bad Karma on
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    ScooterScooter Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Furu wrote:
    The power to manipulate the winds....up to speeds of 11 miles per hour.

    Unless you want to get some raking done, I doubt it matters.


    That would be enough to make lots of Marilyn Monroe impressions.

    Scooter on
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    KG3030KG3030 Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    The ability to bat your eyes at high speed, Hyper Blinking!

    KG3030 on
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    Mai-KeroMai-Kero Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Bad Karma wrote:
    Furu wrote:
    The power to manipulate the winds....up to speeds of 11 miles per hour.

    Unless you want to get some raking done, I doubt it matters.


    The real worst super power though? That mutant kid in that issue of Ultimate X-Men.

    You know the one.

    s'plain?

    [spoiler:e2e5906c6b]He kills everyone in a certain radius around him. Completely uncontrollable. The only one who could even talk to him was Wolverine. The entire town he lived in, including his family, died. Then wolverine killed him under the orders of Nick Fury, although the kid didn't really mind at that point seeing as how everyone he loves died because of him.[/spoiler:e2e5906c6b]

    Mai-Kero on
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    robosagogorobosagogo Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    Mai-Kero wrote:
    Bad Karma wrote:
    Furu wrote:
    The power to manipulate the winds....up to speeds of 11 miles per hour.

    Unless you want to get some raking done, I doubt it matters.


    The real worst super power though? That mutant kid in that issue of Ultimate X-Men.

    You know the one.

    s'plain?

    [spoiler:46537ae40d]He kills everyone in a certain radius around him. Completely uncontrollable. The only one who could even talk to him was Wolverine. The entire town he lived in, including his family, died. Then wolverine killed him under the orders of Nick Fury, although the kid didn't really mind at that point seeing as how everyone he loves died because of him.[/spoiler:46537ae40d]

    I thought it was Prof. X, because they wanted to avert the anti-mutant hysteria that would result from the discovery of Kid Genocide.

    robosagogo on
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    Pantaley ShlopapaPantaley Shlopapa Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    The ability do the Liefeld face at will...

    I'd probably love it too much though, sooooo the power to watch Mutant X.

    Pantaley Shlopapa on
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    VapidVapid Registered User regular
    edited November 2006
    I think Fury ordered it because Wolverine always mentions that Fury owes him a favor.

    Vapid on
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