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EupfhoriaEupfhoria Registered User regular
edited March 2015 in Help / Advice Forum
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  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    She's just being friendly. Don't read to much into it.

    If you come out at tell her you like her, or ask her out, specially after she told you she had a boyfriend, would make things very awkward.

    Kyougu on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    meh... it could be anything.

    First, I think you should set up a study date and use it to study. See how things go. After the final, or the day of, ask her out to actually do something. If she says no, try for a different time. If she still says no, chances are it's a no.

    By study date, I mean just a study session. Don't read to much into it... at finals time, everyone in the class is in a relationship... a don't fail the final relationship.

    But, mentioning a boyfriend without being prompted is usually code for "I have a boyfriend."

    Sentry on
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  • EriosErios Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Sentry wrote: »

    But, mentioning a boyfriend without being prompted is usually code for "I have a boyfriend."

    Yep. This is the recourse of attractive, taken people when they want to make new friends that might be interested in them.

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  • EarthenrockEarthenrock Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I had a similar experience a semester ago. I'd say go with the flow, but don't think of her as a potential girlfriend. The girl I was lab partners with last semester seemed really outgoing and used to run her frickin hand down my back when we'd work on things in class, yet she talked about her boyfriend every now and then, which was enough to keep my distance.

    luckily I wasn't that interested in her anyways, otherwise I think I would've gone insane.

    Earthenrock on
  • SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Ask her if she is still with her boyfriend, as innocently as possible, and if no then ask her if she would like to have dinner or something. Worst case she is still with him or says no, and you haven't lost anything. It's not like this is your good friend and you are risking the friendship or something. It's a random girl who might be interested. This is the exact situation where you make a move and ask her out. Nothing to loose.

    Smurph on
  • KyleWPetersonKyleWPeterson Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    She probably just wants a hand with studying. That being said though, if you brush up on the material beforehand, you'll have the chance to show off your smarts and help her out, which may not go unnoticed. On the other hand, one of my first one night stands was with a girl that stayed up all night studying for me my sophomore year, so as a previous poster said earlier, just go with the flow.

    KyleWPeterson on
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Eupfhoria wrote: »
    I may be really terrible at picking up on signals and things like that, but I would think there's some interest here. The thing is, she has mentioned once or twice, kinda in passing, that she has a boyfriend. For instance, today we were talking about The Dark Knight, and she mentioned that she didn't see it this summer because her boyfriend went without her.



    Not to sound like a dick, but doesn't this answer your question? If she didn't have a boyfriend currently, she probably would have said ex or something like that I think.

    noir_blood on
  • EupfhoriaEupfhoria Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Yeah, that's most likely the case (that she just wants help studying for the final).

    Probably been trying to read to much into things like this lately, as the relationship I mentioned ended not so long ago, and I've been feeling depressed and isolated a lot. Feels good to feel that someone you are attracted to might be interested too, you know?

    Anyways, thanks for the advice and good luck to anyone who has finals to do as well.

    Eupfhoria on
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  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Meh, this happens to everyone, all the time. Always. Don't feel ashamed or embarassed... and it's not like you aren't worthy of someone liking you.

    Besides, maybe you get a good friend out of the deal.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    So, in class today I was talking with a girl that I find attractive about our final test. We've made small talk in class before; kinda hit it off, joking and laughing/smiling a lot at my stomach growling like every 10 seconds while we were doing presentations in front of the class.

    Actually reminds me that a few days later, I was walking home after class, she stopped in her car and asked if I'd like a ride. I said something like 'hey this would've been funnier the other day, but would you like to go get something to eat?' (She said sorry, but that she was busy)

    +3 points for a pretty good line.

    As a general rule of thumb (and I'm horrible about this) overthinking things in two different directions != zero sum game. You probably shouldn't read too much into her being friendly. You probably also shouldn't worry too much that if you ask her out, it will cause an unbearable amount of drama and things will be irrecoverably awkward. If you need the clarification, ask. If she's unavailable, go ahead and say "that's cool, it's just the only way you might say yes is if I ask, so I wanted to ask," and roll right ahead into something else witty on another topic.

    If you don't need the clarification, don't worry about it. Harmless flirting without any real expectation of intimacy can actually be pretty good practice, and it doesn't sound like you're the sort of person who lacks the social skills to get a girl. I think you can probably afford to wait for the next one if that's what you decide to do.

    SammyF on
  • PojacoPojaco Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Just ask her if she has a boyfriend. If she says no (she's going to say "yes"), then pop the second question about a date. Problem solved, and you don't have to worry about trying to read any crazy feminine signals.

    Pojaco on
  • vonPoonBurGervonPoonBurGer Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Eupfhoria wrote:
    Probably been trying to read to much into things like this lately, as the relationship I mentioned ended not so long ago, and I've been feeling depressed and isolated a lot.
    You don't need to jump into a relationship to shake depression and isolation. Maybe just making a friend would fill the void. As a bonus, not-single girls that you are friends with almost always have female friends who are single. If you absolutely must gain closure on this and need to ask her about her relationship status directly, I can understand that. Just try to do it in a way that won't weird her out and preclude you from making a new friend long-term, and perhaps an entirely new circle of friends through her.

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  • Lord MaloryLord Malory Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I can relate to this.

    1. Study, and make friends. Friends are awesome. I don't have enough of them. period. A lot of people don't.

    2. If she is super-classy and you want to see if something can happen, extend that friendliness to her and her friends. And also her boyfriend to confirm. Something that me and my friends have done was simply "Hey, me and my friend (girl or guy) are getting drinks after the exam. You should come. Bring your boyfriend if hes free." This is really only appropriate if you have been communicating on a friend-level for a while. Even if you only see them in class. Its a fine line between being "hey, you have a boyfriend?" and hitting your head against the wall investing in that person or trying to find out. But for me, its also been one of the more comfortable methods of finding out if the lady in question isn't prone to letting guys know.

    3. Ladies, all guys want to know if you have a boyfriend. All of us. Now, we aren't all hound dogs who just want to get in your pants, but it DEFINITELY affects the nature of the relationship, even if its just a friendship. While some may say "if you just want to be friends it shouldn't matter", its also true that a real friend is someone who is honest and gives you an idea of their boundaries and responsibilities in life. What if you call that girl "too much" and the boyfriend freaks?

    Anyway, last tangental thought - Number 3 above, I've done with married women. Now i always check for a ring, even if I'm just being friendly. Nothing was scarier than when a man picked up after I'd hung out with this woman out in the world and said "why do you keep trying to talk to my wife?"

    So yeah. Good luck, brother.

    PS. sorry for the run-ons. I'm at work, have a lot of thought in my brain, and want to get it all out.

    Lord Malory on
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  • Smug DucklingSmug Duckling Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Pojaco wrote: »
    Just ask her if she has a boyfriend. If she says no (she's going to say "yes"), then pop the second question about a date. Problem solved, and you don't have to worry about trying to read any crazy feminine signals.

    Eh, but if your point is to avoid awkwardness, just asking "Do you have a boyfriend?" is tantamount to asking for a date anyway.

    Smug Duckling on
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  • CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Should I use the opportunity to tell her that I'm interested/ask her on a date, though?

    Why would you even think this would be a good idea if she's mentioned multiple times she has a boyfriend?

    Just go study together and try to build a friendship.

    Corvus on
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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    As someone said, frequently mentioning an S.O. when talking to someone who might be attracted to you is the polite way of making friends while avoiding awkwardness. Study dates as a first date are usually the M.O. of someone too nervous to ask you to a normal date. If she's attractive and self-confident she'd have been more likely to ask you to do something more... fun as a first date.

    Darkewolfe on
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  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Just study, and be friends. Experience has told me that if there are being signals sent, they will become a lot less subtle if the situation permits. If you're there alone and she's just interested in hitting the books with you, then that's a pretty loud-and-clear "Not Interested."

    If, on the other hand, the material becomes a little more "hands-on", make sure that you get some actual studying done that night. Don't fail your exam because you were too busy. :P

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  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    As someone said, frequently mentioning an S.O. when talking to someone who might be attracted to you is the polite way of making friends while avoiding awkwardness. Study dates as a first date are usually the M.O. of someone too nervous to ask you to a normal date. If she's attractive and self-confident she'd have been more likely to ask you to do something more... fun as a first date.

    Pleased to meet you, I'm Experience.

    An invitation to study in a large group? Yes, that's probably right.
    An invitation to study in her res room, while her roommate is gone for the weekend, with just the two of you alone, and no one to interrupt you? I beg to differ.

    PeregrineFalcon on
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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Nice to meet you, I'm alternative Anecdotal evidence. People sometimes just want to pass the final, and studying one on one can help alot. ;P

    Edit: Also, if this is a final you're at all worried about, you need to be going into this just interested in studying. If you're constantly worried about whether she's giving you signals, you're not going to absorb the material as well!

    Darkewolfe on
    What is this I don't even.
  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Nice to meet you, I'm alternative Anecdotal evidence. People sometimes just want to pass the final, and studying one on one can help alot. ;P

    Sounds like we share a lot of common interests, Alternative Anecdotal Evidence.

    You want to study for the final together?

    :winky:

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  • SatanIsMyMotorSatanIsMyMotor Fuck Warren Ellis Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Yeah, sounds to me like she just wants to study. I wouldn't push it any further that that.

    Sounds like she's familiar with working with you and thinks that two heads will be better than one when studying. I did this all the time back when I was in university.

    SatanIsMyMotor on
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Nice to meet you, I'm alternative Anecdotal evidence. People sometimes just want to pass the final, and studying one on one can help alot. ;P

    Sounds like we share a lot of common interests, Alternative Anecdotal Evidence.

    You want to study for the final together?

    :winky:

    Have I told you about my girlfriend? She really enjoys Falsified Evidence. :lol:

    Darkewolfe on
    What is this I don't even.
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Nice to meet you, I'm alternative Anecdotal evidence. People sometimes just want to pass the final, and studying one on one can help alot. ;P

    Sounds like we share a lot of common interests, Alternative Anecdotal Evidence.

    You want to study for the final together?

    :winky:

    Have I told you about my girlfriend? She really enjoys Falsified Evidence. :lol:

    Girls, stop it, you're both pretty!

    On the one hand, yes, initiating alone-time can be a prelude to initiating something a little more intimate. On the other hand, yes, the problem with the fact that some people play coy like this is that not all people play coy like this, and thus sometimes people read to much into it. Which brings them to our corner of the internets to ask questions like "Am I reading too much into this?"

    I happen to agree, incidentally, that coyness is a sign of nervousness, a lack of self-confidence, or a myriad of other things that all happen to boil down to inexperience. Once you get outside of college, people tend to realize that the quickest and most painless way to signal to someone that you want to go out to them is to ask for their phone number and then ask for a date as plainly as possible. People who are still playing games into their late 20s are generally shunned because the rest of us just don't have the time for asshattery.

    Being as the OP is still in college, however, some coyness is to be expected. Whether it's coyness or not, the solution is the same: avoid building up expectations and go with the flow until you find out what the other party has in mind. Or if you can't handle that, ask for clarification and drop all pretense.

    SammyF on
  • ShankusuShankusu __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2008
    Honestly, she's being friendly. I mean, every single thing you told me makes it sound like she's being friendly.

    Go study with her, be charming, be funny, be smart, whatever, but play things "under," not "over." By which I mean, don't go being friendly with the intention of asking her on a date, go being a little flirty the intention of being her new friend. It sounds weird, but some of the best platonic female friends I have today are the result of me being a little flirty towards them the first times we hung out.

    If you think that you could only be her friend as the means to the end of dating her, then maybe lay off.

    Shankusu on
  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    noir_blood wrote: »
    Eupfhoria wrote: »
    I may be really terrible at picking up on signals and things like that, but I would think there's some interest here. The thing is, she has mentioned once or twice, kinda in passing, that she has a boyfriend. For instance, today we were talking about The Dark Knight, and she mentioned that she didn't see it this summer because her boyfriend went without her.

    Not to sound like a dick, but doesn't this answer your question? If she didn't have a boyfriend currently, she probably would have said ex or something like that I think.

    Just cause a girl has a boyfriend means shit. Women are always "shopping" around.

    Its hard to say. Women are never direct with feelings and shit at first. Body language speaks the loudest. Honestly, you got absolutely nothing to lose. If you like her go for it. You can try to be more casual about it and say something like "we should hang out sometime in the near present."

    EskimoDave on
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    She's probably attracted to you on some level. Maybe not physically. Maybe yes physically. Nobody here can even begin to guess. We don't know you and we don't know her and even if we knew both of you - what you looked like, what your personalities are - then we'd still know next to nothing. She may not even know how she feels about you.

    The only thing that IS definitely apparent from observable data is that she is interested in spending time with you, even if the boundary is "colleague" or "friend."

    I don't really have any advice for you - if you can deal with being her friend, then just cultivate the relationship. There's nothing wrong with friendship. And there's no friend zone. And there's no rules. And there's no statute of limitations. And there's no moment of no return. And you're not being a dick to try and be her friend even if she has a boyfriend and you know it even if you admit to yourself that you're attracted to her. Because the honest truth is this: most people are attracted to most other people they choose to interact with, to some degree or on some level.

    So just do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

    Drez on
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  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    EskimoDave wrote: »
    noir_blood wrote: »
    Eupfhoria wrote: »
    I may be really terrible at picking up on signals and things like that, but I would think there's some interest here. The thing is, she has mentioned once or twice, kinda in passing, that she has a boyfriend. For instance, today we were talking about The Dark Knight, and she mentioned that she didn't see it this summer because her boyfriend went without her.

    Not to sound like a dick, but doesn't this answer your question? If she didn't have a boyfriend currently, she probably would have said ex or something like that I think.

    Just cause a girl has a boyfriend means shit. Women are always "shopping" around.

    Sure, for shoes, am I right? *wink, wink*

    Sorry, but that's idiotic.

    EskimoDave wrote: »
    Its hard to say. Women are never direct with feelings and shit at first. Body language speaks the loudest. Honestly, you got absolutely nothing to lose. If you like her go for it. You can try to be more casual about it and say something like "we should hang out sometime in the near present."

    Some women are direct with their feelings and some aren't. Some men are direct with their feelings and some aren't. To suggest that women are "never" direct with their feelings is just flat-out incorrect.

    As to your suggestion, I would recommend heavily against "we should hang out sometime in the near present." It's a meaningless phrase. I've said this so many times to people without meaning it and people have said to me too without meaning it. I'm not saying the phrase can't have meaning, but he should pick words that don't sound like safe pandering to some kind of social ritual. "We should hang out sometime" is kind of like saying "how are you?" as a greeting. Sometimes you'll get an answer back, sure, but for the most part, people don't expect that to be answered and don't expect to have to answer you, either.

    Drez on
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  • EskimoDaveEskimoDave Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Drez wrote: »
    EskimoDave wrote: »
    noir_blood wrote: »
    Eupfhoria wrote: »
    I may be really terrible at picking up on signals and things like that, but I would think there's some interest here. The thing is, she has mentioned once or twice, kinda in passing, that she has a boyfriend. For instance, today we were talking about The Dark Knight, and she mentioned that she didn't see it this summer because her boyfriend went without her.

    Not to sound like a dick, but doesn't this answer your question? If she didn't have a boyfriend currently, she probably would have said ex or something like that I think.

    Just cause a girl has a boyfriend means shit. Women are always "shopping" around.

    Sure, for shoes, am I right? *wink, wink*

    Sorry, but that's idiotic.

    EskimoDave wrote: »
    Its hard to say. Women are never direct with feelings and shit at first. Body language speaks the loudest. Honestly, you got absolutely nothing to lose. If you like her go for it. You can try to be more casual about it and say something like "we should hang out sometime in the near present."

    Some women are direct with their feelings and some aren't. Some men are direct with their feelings and some aren't. To suggest that women are "never" direct with their feelings is just flat-out incorrect.

    As to your suggestion, I would recommend heavily against "we should hang out sometime in the near present." It's a meaningless phrase. I've said this so many times to people without meaning it and people have said to me too without meaning it. I'm not saying the phrase can't have meaning, but he should pick words that don't sound like safe pandering to some kind of social ritual. "We should hang out sometime" is kind of like saying "how are you?" as a greeting. Sometimes you'll get an answer back, sure, but for the most part, people don't expect that to be answered and don't expect to have to answer you, either.

    In case you didn't noticed I'm not the most eloquent of people. So, I'm going to rephrase things. My statement about women shopping around still stands. From personal experience, general observation, and anecdotal evidence I've learned that women will stay in relationship they don't like. Now I think about it that extends to both sexes. There is a point in relationships where someone thinks to themselves "I think I'm going to start taking this seriously." This can happen at any point in the relationship. First date, third date, 2 months in, but it ends eventually. Yet people will still stay in the relationship. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore except straying too far away from the original post. Unless a girl has a ring shes fair game.
    And about feelings and shit. Feelings might not be the best term for what I was talking about. It was probably really bad, but - whatever. Women don't want to tell you what to do. They want a guy who knows what to do.
    I didn't mean to use that phrase exactly. Just madlib some shit that essentially means that.

    My (slightly revised) advice. Just try to make the studying fun. If you enjoyed your time with her ask her to spend more time with her. Absolutely nothing to lose. Sounds like having a copy of "The Dark Knight" around might help. Just not to obvious.

    EskimoDave on
  • XagarathXagarath Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    EskimoDave wrote: »
    Unless a girl has a ring shes fair game.

    This is woefully bad advice, and the OP and indeed everyone else should try to ignore it as much as possible.

    Xagarath on
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Speaking as someone who's been both The Boyfriend and Not The Boyfriend in this sort of situation, study for and pass your finals, then ask her if she wants to go out. Don't make it subtle or clever or give yourself something to fall back on. Stop just short of saying "do you want to bone this" while pointing at your crotch with both fingers.

    Her answer will most likely be "Did you not catch that I have a boyfriend? No thanks, I'm not interested. That's why I'm currently dating someone else, and not you." If it isn't, congratulations.

    durandal4532 on
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