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Getting rid of friends
Antlion25
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I'm posting under an alternate account, since some of the affected people may also post here.
Anyways, I've had mostly the same set of friends for the majority of my life beginning with junior high and continuing through high school, university, and afterwards. They're mostly good people, and we really have a strong, shared background that makes it easy to relate with one another and to enjoy each others' company.
Now, I'm at a point in my life where I'm generally very happy with myself and my situation. Things could be better (can they ever not be?) but at the end of the day I like what's going on.
Some of these friends are negative. Incredibly so. They've known me long enough to know what pushes my buttons, to know intimate personal details, and aren't disinclined to use either to make me feel like shit for periods of time. I've mostly learned my lesson now and don't tell them everything (especially my love life), and I try to keep any standard-male ribbing of them to topics which I would feel comfortable if they shot back (specific sport/video game ability, drinking ability, etc.). But really, some of my friends just immediately go for the comeback that is going to piss me off and shut me up. Some of these friends also apparently gossip about me behind my back and have started filling in their own (made-up) details into those parts of my life which I am purposefully withholding from them, and the only way I know of to address that is to do what I don't want to and tell them what's actually going on.
I'm honestly starting to feel constrained by some of these guys - I've lost at least two girlfriends specifically because of this brand of bullshit. At first I wrote it off as "bro's before ho's", but honestly I think we can agree that is probably a retarded viewpoint, at least in my case. What's even worse is trying to keep stuff on the DL when the only reason I can give a girl is "My friends are assholes".
Now, I'm not completely worthless, and I have no issue with just telling people to fuck off. But this is a group of friends, here. An equal number of these guys are great, amazing people that I love to be around. But I'm not sure how to keep some and lose the others - they're pretty much a package deal.
So, really, has anyone written friends out of their life? Is there any way to do it without burning every bridge? Should I just walk away and start fresh?
Anyways, I've had mostly the same set of friends for the majority of my life beginning with junior high and continuing through high school, university, and afterwards. They're mostly good people, and we really have a strong, shared background that makes it easy to relate with one another and to enjoy each others' company.
Now, I'm at a point in my life where I'm generally very happy with myself and my situation. Things could be better (can they ever not be?) but at the end of the day I like what's going on.
Some of these friends are negative. Incredibly so. They've known me long enough to know what pushes my buttons, to know intimate personal details, and aren't disinclined to use either to make me feel like shit for periods of time. I've mostly learned my lesson now and don't tell them everything (especially my love life), and I try to keep any standard-male ribbing of them to topics which I would feel comfortable if they shot back (specific sport/video game ability, drinking ability, etc.). But really, some of my friends just immediately go for the comeback that is going to piss me off and shut me up. Some of these friends also apparently gossip about me behind my back and have started filling in their own (made-up) details into those parts of my life which I am purposefully withholding from them, and the only way I know of to address that is to do what I don't want to and tell them what's actually going on.
I'm honestly starting to feel constrained by some of these guys - I've lost at least two girlfriends specifically because of this brand of bullshit. At first I wrote it off as "bro's before ho's", but honestly I think we can agree that is probably a retarded viewpoint, at least in my case. What's even worse is trying to keep stuff on the DL when the only reason I can give a girl is "My friends are assholes".
Now, I'm not completely worthless, and I have no issue with just telling people to fuck off. But this is a group of friends, here. An equal number of these guys are great, amazing people that I love to be around. But I'm not sure how to keep some and lose the others - they're pretty much a package deal.
So, really, has anyone written friends out of their life? Is there any way to do it without burning every bridge? Should I just walk away and start fresh?
Antlion25 on
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Sounds reasonable, but honestly, with these guys it would basically go as such:
Me: "Seriously, don't talk about that shit because it pisses me off and actually isn't true."
Them: "Get the sand out of your vagina."
And then they know once and for all what will literally make me fuming mad and just do it more whenever they feel like getting a few cheap laughs from each other or just to make themselves feel better about whatever's bothering them that day.
I have been trying that, and sometimes it works. But then say there is a get-together which is the only chance to see a guy I haven't seen in a while, and everybody is there. It suddenly gets much harder to avoid them (and getting harassed).
It's a good way to separate the wheat (friends worth keeping) from the chaff (friends who are not worth keeping).
I've done it all my life.
I would start cutting my hangout time with this group if I were you. First, you could start turning down invitations from them and etc.
Do you have any other social groups? Or is this it? Try hanging with a different group, and then call the guys you actually like over. This way you can just cut off communication with those certain few.
Them: "Get the sand out of your vagina."
Thats exactly how my friends were and I lost girl friends over it. I just stop talking to them. Pretty simple.
I'm pretty much at that point, but it's starting to be awkward, like said above. I want to hang out with some of these guys, but not all of them. And I don't like the idea of telling my good friends that I refuse to be around others. That kind of forces a choice on them, and probably wouldn't stay remotely secret no matter how good the friend I tell it to is.
That's not my advice, though. You need to surround yourself with better people, seriously. If you want to see someone you haven't seen in a while and you know they will be there, that's fine. I'd just advise against seeing them if they are just going to bring you down.
I stopped talking with and seeing the people I didn't think were worth my time. Regarding the point that "you want to see some of them", that's a per-group dynamic. Some groups won't separate, but in my case, the friends that WERE worth my time were also capable of listening to the issues I had with the assholes and respected my desire not to chill with them. In this case, it got back to the assholes and they cleaned up their act, but we never really went back to being friends.
Here's what I don't get: when one of your cockbag friends is being a cockbag, where are your "amazing" friends? Are they standing up to you? Are they telling your cockbag friends, "Hey man, that wasn't okay. You shouldn't say shit like that?" Are they coming up to you afterwards and saying, "Don't mind Chris... he's just being a cockbag again."
If your "amazing" friends aren't standing up for you or being supportive of you, they don't seem that "amazing" to me.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
if they are good dudes they will even stand up for you and peer pressure the douchey guys into not being douches
I'm going to say something that not a good deal of people say. It's widely discouraged upon by the popular media culture. It's definitely something that "softies" won't agree with. But over the year's I've really come to believe this, and I share this with you in complete earnest.
Friends are not a dime a dozen. They are not excruciatingly rare. Though friendship does build over time, it also isn't something that requires a lifetime to commit to. You may have some incredible, memorable, enjoyable moments with the group as a whole, but these are moments that are not mutually exclusive to this group of people you surround yourself with.
If the package deal comes with a few bad eggs (or rather, REALLY bad eggs), drop the package, case closed. If you stop talking to a few of them, and allow your animosity to openly reveal itself, it'll definitely create tension within the group. If you cannot be friends with any one person in the group without the rest of them, then they're all a bunch of ass holes any ways. Keep the friends whom you have a strong independent-relationship with (i.e, not dependent on the other members of the group). Everyone else? Don't put in the time.
Put yourself out there and look to meet new people. Be the guy who's always saying hi and willing to get to know someone. I decided to try to be "that" guy a few years back, and honestly, it was a wise investment. I've met some incredible people who put some of my "old friends" to shame. You may not have a fair idea of what "friendship" even is until you realize the entire spectrum.
For example, I once had these two brothers in my life, these two guys from high school, who I considered to be my best friends. But then I realized, at a certain point, that I didn't like sharing "certain" details of my life to them. Because I was afraid of what they'd say - something that I didn't think was a big deal. Then as I grew in college, and met so many different personalities, I soon realized that my two "best buddies" back home were simply...as it were, "the best candidates" to waste my time with. I now knew people that I didn't have to worry about judgment with - people whom I could speak my mind and expect at least an attempt at understanding from. At best, the two brothers were acquaintances that I kept for an extended period of time. You won't realize these things until you see the other side of the wall.
You're not issuing an ultimatum, you're not telling your other friends who they can and can't hang out with, you're just expressing a preference.
Limed for truth. Easiest way to go about it. I do it sometimes if I don't feel like dealing with some people.
Yeah, I totally agree too. I have friends some of my other friends don't like, and some of them have friends I don't particularly like. It happens, and people need to just be cool with it, especially when organizing parties and gatherings.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
There's six billion people in the world. These group of douchebags that you hang out with, some of whom maybe 'awesome guys' but aren't particularly keen on standing up for you or being friends aren't worth your time and effort.
Usually it is one person that is negative, or brings the group down and is generally not fun. We boycott that person. We don't invite them to anything for a week or 2. Usually that is enough time for them to not suck anymore. Some people we boycott more than others. If someone or a couple people are pissing you off, chances are they are pissing your other friends off too. Talk to those friends and do the limed advice above.
The main point being, if those few people you really like feel the same about you, they will get angry at the other people for pushing you away. You might get some support from them. When you break off, you have to apologize to those people; "sorry man, you're pretty cool but this is just not a good situation." If they are good friends they'll understand you and make an effort to help.
If nobody wants to make an effort, then live your life distanced for a while anyway. You might end up being fine without any of them, and if not, these things tend to blow over in a few months as you have to make contact with each other for various reasons (borrowing stuff etc.).
EDIT: I didn't see Thanatos's advice, that is a good first thing to try. If it continues then consider seeing which of your friends really care about you.
Well, one day a few friends of mine and myself were going to my house, including his Ex girlfriend which he was obsessing over hanging out with. It threw me off because she has said she does not want anything to do with him, and that he's creepy for wanting to, ect. He gets really pissed off and starts crying in another room when he finds out that I do not want him to go and he pulls the friends card. I call bullshit on that because I can invite whomever I damn well please. It goes on more and I get tired and buck up to him and tell him that if his sole reason to go was his ex-girlfriend, then he doesn't need to be hanging out with us. (Thought understand there as a lot more language and yelling from me then that) After that he got quiet.
Probably more then 7 months later, we do not talk like we used too. He's never bothering me to hang out with friends whenever I invite them, he finds something else to do.
But our situations are different because you're dealing with friends. I would still take the same approach; tell them you are tired of their bullshit, and if they give you more trouble, get loud at them. Don't be afraid to show them how pissed off you are! It's good to release anger, but don't get into flying fists because that won't change anyone and it'll make you look hot-tempered, which I do not think you want to be looked on upon as that. I get props in my group because i'm always level-headed and never have issues, so try to keep the same if you're like that. It makes it easy to do a lot.
T-Nation blog
Anyways, thanks for the advice guys. As a group of knuckleheads, I've contemplated just telling these few that if they say something like that again I will make sure they don't leave without injury, but I'm not a violent guy and have never felt the need to threaten somebody like that in my life until now. So instead I just smolder and choose not to hang out with them for a while, but then I feel like they basically win because they get to see my friends while I sit around alone feeling like a dipshit.
As for my good friends defending me, sometimes they do but I don't think that sort of thing is really in our group dynamic, especially since I'm usually pretty quick-witted and can defend myself exceedingly well so long as any shit-talking remains at a certain level. I think these guys have figured this out though, and now immediately try to take the wind out of my sails so that they can get the last word every time.
I've had a few friends permanently and suddenly leave this group over the years, and I think now I'm beginning to understand why.
Especially if you have told them how you are feeling.
You find if you don't call and respond to them (real friends that care will persist, bad friends will just move on themselves...)
"So alternate, against the grain, anti establishment - so you're just a regular joe again, right?"
Anyway, since stopping contact with him but not caring if others hang out with him I've been a lot happier. At first it was really hard, but I started hanging out with other people to fill in the time I wasn't hanging out with him. I've found that my friendships with other friends have improved a lot and they're not so negative and bringing me down all the time. All in all it's win win...even if it was hard at first.