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A... difficult... girlfriend in bed

WestHuntWestHunt Registered User regular
edited January 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I have recently started seeing a girl, and she told me early on that she is really had to make orgasm, but I took this as something that can be attainable. We are both sexually active and we recently talked afterwards and she said that she doesnt think she has ever had an orgasm in her life, not even by herself or from past boyfriends. I have had other girlfriends who have said they were hard to orgasm and I have then given them multiple ones, but not to this new girl which puts me into a strange position because of my past experiences of being able to do that. I know that all people are different when it comes to this, but I havent heard of a situation where it hasn't been attainable at all.
I decided to ask about this because I feel bad for her for not being able to orgasm and she says she has always wanted to but never been able to. Im also concerned about her, mainly possible health issues that she may be present which prevent her from reaching them. She said she is going to the doctors in a couple months and will ask about it then, but I was just looking for some other advice or other people who may be in the same situation who may know more about it than I do.

WestHunt on

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    meekermeeker Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Do not take this as a challenge. Sex will become disappointing and discouraging for both of you. Tell her now that you love to have sex with her and you would like to help her find a way to orgasm, but you will will enjoy it no matter what.

    Pressure + Sex = Bad

    meeker on
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    BlindZenDriverBlindZenDriver Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    It's not unheard of so don't panic and try not to make it an issue in your relationship.

    Given time, patience and all it may happen or it may not. Remember it's not the same as her not getting any pleasure out of doing the horizontal dance.

    BlindZenDriver on
    Bones heal, glory is forever.
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    WestHuntWestHunt Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    We were both really close friends before this relationship so it has allowed us to be really open and upfront with eachother on alot of things, and she has said that everything feels good and whatnot, but hasnt been able to get there before. And im not looking at it as a challenge in any way, my main concern is about her health and if something may or may not be wrong in that way. And we both dont, and wont, let this get in the way of our relationship because there is a lot more to having a fun and healthy relationship than that.

    WestHunt on
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    HK5HK5 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Actually a decent percentage (10 is the number I hear thrown around the most) of women can't have orgasms at all. Even if she never has one, it doesn't mean she can't have a rewarding and enjoyable sex life. It also doesn't make her some kind of freak, although she probably feels that why because for some reason people assume that orgasms can be taken for granted. There are so many factors that can contribute or detract from a woman's ability to orgasm - age, health, comfort, and the complex range of emotions that accompanies sex and intimacy are just a few.

    Why not focus on the other aspects of sex that can be fulfilling and not focus too hard on the one thing that hasn't happened yet?

    Oh yeah and if you haven't gone down on her, I'd try that.

    HK5 on
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    kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Well, lots of sources (guide to getting it on, she comes first (a recommended book for sure) discuss the orgasm as first a psychological trick, not a physical one. People have to be comfortable with their situation, their partner, and most importantly themselves. My suspicion is that many of the people who "can't" orgasm have unresolved issues in one of these three categories.

    It's exceedingly unlikely you'll resolve it -as others have mentioned, you maximize your chances by not making it happen the crucial event of bedtime play, because if it takes a long time (or never), the disappointment and embarassment will kill your sex life long before she gets off.

    You might give oral + vibe a shot - has she tried toys herself?

    kaliyama on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I have been in a similar situation, and it took the girl in question almost a year of us being together to be sure that she had actually had an orgasm.

    I can't really give you much advice though, even after she started orgasming it was never reliable.
    I know it sounds trite, but the no pressure thing is really important to keep in mind. If you start to view failure to climax as a failure of your sexual prowess (and I know its hard not to) you won't enjoy sex and neither will she.

    Does she masturbate? Can she get close when masturbating?

    Honestly I think you need a womans advice on this one, as even after someone who has been through the whole 'I've never orgasmed' girlfriend I can't really offer anything other than vague encouragement

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Romance. Romance her, lots of foreplay. Then lots of different positions. Play around till you find one she really likes. Rinse, repeat.

    Eventually you will find somthing that works. Maybe try from behind, with a couch. Her over a couch arm. You put one leg up on the couch arm and leave the other on the floor. This should give the right angle for G-spot stimulation. If you leave a little room between her and the couch you can reach around and manually stimulate the clitoris. If you do both that might work. Don't rush into it though. Do other positions for a while, then switch to that. Try using some lube too.

    Lots of it is psychological though. You have to really do the romance and the foreplay. Then after the first time, later times should be easier. Make sure she is telling you what she likes. Communication is important.

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    As something to keep in mind, a woman's orgasm (and even arousal) is way more mental than a man's. If a girl has it in her head that she can't or won't or doesn't want to orgasm, she most likely will not. The problem, then, could be her psychologically expecting her body to respond when she should just let go and enjoy the ride, so to speak.

    There are also two kinds of orgasms: clitoral and vaginal. Explore both.

    The problem here is that since she has it in her mind that she HAS TO ORGASM because it's NEVER happened before, that makes her ability to orgasm eventually that much harder.

    There is likely very little you can do to help her aside from help her relax and get her into a mindset where she's enjoying the sex, not just hoping for what she deems is the "big bang." It's nice to think you can "blow her mind" and bring her to orgasm, but the work also needs to be done in her head, too.

    There have also been women who have orgasmed but didn't know it, too. These cases are rarer but, believe it or not, that's usually girls expecting the orgasm to be one thing only to experience something different and being unable to connect the two together.

    Vivixenne on
    XBOX: NOVADELPHINI | DISCORD: NOVADELPHINI #7387 | TWITTER
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    LadyMLadyM Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Has she tried watching porn? Or reading romance novels or graphic fanfiction?

    LadyM on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Can anyone suggest any good (preferably online) reads on the topic?

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    Can anyone suggest any good (preferably online) reads on the topic?

    http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/feature/helpwithorgasms.htm

    Vivixenne on
    XBOX: NOVADELPHINI | DISCORD: NOVADELPHINI #7387 | TWITTER
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Thanks

    I had never heard before that most women have to 'learn' to climax.

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
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    TasteticleTasteticle Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Vivixenne wrote: »
    As something to keep in mind, a woman's orgasm (and even arousal) is way more mental than a man's. If a girl has it in her head that she can't or won't or doesn't want to orgasm, she most likely will not. The problem, then, could be her psychologically expecting her body to respond when she should just let go and enjoy the ride, so to speak.

    There are also two kinds of orgasms: clitoral and vaginal. Explore both.

    The problem here is that since she has it in her mind that she HAS TO ORGASM because it's NEVER happened before, that makes her ability to orgasm eventually that much harder.

    There is likely very little you can do to help her aside from help her relax and get her into a mindset where she's enjoying the sex, not just hoping for what she deems is the "big bang." It's nice to think you can "blow her mind" and bring her to orgasm, but the work also needs to be done in her head, too.

    So I started typing out my response whilst reading through the thread and discovered Vivixenne has already got it covered.

    So the best I can say now is good luck man and don't get too down and out on yourself if it doesn't happen. It's not a reflection on your performance so don't take it too personally.

    Tasteticle on

    Uh-oh I accidentally deleted my signature. Uh-oh!!
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    VivixenneVivixenne Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    Thanks

    I had never heard before that most women have to 'learn' to climax.

    it is, in fact, the reason why every single sexually active woman has faked it or will fake it at some point or another

    and if someone says they haven't faked it, they're either lying or they haven't had enough sex yet

    Vivixenne on
    XBOX: NOVADELPHINI | DISCORD: NOVADELPHINI #7387 | TWITTER
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    MeizMeiz Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Getting a woman to peak in terms of sexual satisfaction can be tricky if you bank on a lot of what mainstream media is shoveling your way.

    From experience there's two things that can be done to increase a woman's ability to come to orgasm. Now when a woman tells me that she's never had an orgasm, I kind of chuckle and say, well, perhaps you need to focus on a different approach.

    One thing is [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegel_exercise[/url]Kegel exercises[/url]. This could be something you suggest in passing like "Now you've told me that you don't think you could ever reach orgasm. Here's a technique that might help you achieve that."

    Another thing is learning tension relieving massage techniques. It's something that requires focus and a few sessions before you get any results out of it but, making a woman comfortable is key here.

    After those two pieces are set in motion, I find playtime a little more satisfying for both participants. After that it's just a question of technique with vaginal stimulation.

    Meiz on
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    EmanonEmanon __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2008
    She can try for a clitoral hood piercing. Sounds extreme but I heard it helps as sometimes the skin blocks stimulation on the clit. She may have too much skin there.

    Emanon on
    Treats Animals Right!
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    Desert_Eagle25Desert_Eagle25 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Foreplay is key to this, if you haven't already tried. Building up the anticipation for sex has always been a sure-fire way to get a girl to orgasm, from my experience.

    Another thing to consider, is that while you perform cunnilingus you "inspect" her area, per se, and ask her reaction to different techniques applied to different areas. Communication, as it were. Once you get a lay of the land, you can get a better understanding of how to pleasure her.

    Desert_Eagle25 on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    she might be unable to, as people said in this thread already, but my biggest advice to you would be to learn how to use your tongue well (if you don't already)

    Belruel on
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    RUNN1NGMANRUNN1NGMAN Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    RUNN1NGMAN on
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    Mojo the AvengerMojo the Avenger Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    yeah he should just give up. it's a waste of time to even try. good advice dude.

    Mojo the Avenger on
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    cloudeaglecloudeagle Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    What? No. It's entirely possible that she's never learned to give herself one... that's something many women run into. It's not unheard of for women to masturbate and have sex for years or even decades, and then suddenly discover the one thing that pushes her over the edge. That said, yes, there is a small percentage of women who never orgasm, but can still have a rewarding sex life.

    So what should you do, OP? As has been said before, going YARRRRGH MUST GET HER TO CUM will only lead to frustration. Instead, what the two of you should do is simply to enjoy each other and relax. Often, the more comfortable a woman is with a partner, the better sex will feel. Also, try new things. New positions. Give her oral, and learn to do it well. Listen to what she enjoys and what she doesn't enjoy. Your goal should be to make her feel really, really good. As long as you explore and listen to what she likes, that should be relatively easy. And if in the process of getting comfortable and making her feel fantastic you unexpectedly give her an orgasm, then hey, awesome bonus!

    Remember, sex should be bonding and a hell of a lot of fun. Don't lose sight of that.

    cloudeagle on
    Switch: 3947-4890-9293
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    RUNN1NGMANRUNN1NGMAN Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    yeah he should just give up. it's a waste of time to even try. good advice dude.

    Thanks, I'm glad you enjoy reading things into what I write.

    RUNN1NGMAN on
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    MeeOkMeeOk Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Piercings can also cause loss of sensitivity, so I wouldn't recommend it as a solution. I've had some interesting piercings done, and I tend to stay the same, or gain a little, but that may just be how my body heals. So unless she just -wants- to get something like that done, don't.. suggest it, perhaps.

    MeeOk on
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    musanmanmusanman Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I'd say she is almost certainly going to have to learn to give herself an orgasm before she's mentally comfortable you giving her one at this point. If she's never had an orgasm maybe go buy her one of those little vibrators and have her stimulate her clit some night alone, see how much fun she can have.

    If she can pull it off on her own, which I think is the best stepping point for her, you'll be able to get her in the zone because she can help you with what she needs.

    musanman on
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    As7As7 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Vivixenne wrote: »
    As something to keep in mind, a woman's orgasm (and even arousal) is way more mental than a man's. If a girl has it in her head that she can't or won't or doesn't want to orgasm, she most likely will not. The problem, then, could be her psychologically expecting her body to respond when she should just let go and enjoy the ride, so to speak.

    There are also two kinds of orgasms: clitoral and vaginal. Explore both.

    The problem here is that since she has it in her mind that she HAS TO ORGASM because it's NEVER happened before, that makes her ability to orgasm eventually that much harder.

    There is likely very little you can do to help her aside from help her relax and get her into a mindset where she's enjoying the sex, not just hoping for what she deems is the "big bang." It's nice to think you can "blow her mind" and bring her to orgasm, but the work also needs to be done in her head, too.

    There have also been women who have orgasmed but didn't know it, too. These cases are rarer but, believe it or not, that's usually girls expecting the orgasm to be one thing only to experience something different and being unable to connect the two together.

    In addition to Viv's helpful advice, you might eventually want to experiment a little with vibrators in bed. If she's comfortable with it she should try them on her own, as well.

    They offer a sort of stimulation a finger or tongue or other extremity can't reproduce and it's pretty effective.

    But, as everyone else is saying, the focus during sex shouldn't be on orgasm.

    Unlike some guys, I've been with a number of women but never any that had an easy time achieving orgasm during sex, so I have some experience with this, and I will say the first thing you need to do is make sex fun regardless of how it ends.

    Oh and IF you don't go down on her, well why aren't you going down on her?

    As7 on
    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
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    MeizMeiz Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    yeah he should just give up. it's a waste of time to even try. good advice dude.

    Thanks, I'm glad you enjoy reading things into what I write.

    Let me put it in simple terms. Any woman can have an orgasm and on top of that, any woman can squirt.

    Just because a woman is not comfortable enough touching herself and reaching climax doesn't mean that she can't. It also doesn't mean that it's almost impossible to get someone in that frame of mind to have one. You just need to have a good amount of patience and pace her out of that frame of mind in order to make her toes curl.

    Meiz on
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    KrunkMcGrunkKrunkMcGrunk Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Things I would recommend, from personal experience:

    Be very supportive of her telling you the positions and movements that she likes or dislikes.
    Try to create an atmosphere where you both can talk about sex with each other freely.
    Don't make her feel pressured to sexually please you.

    You have to kind of be her foil. Don't make a big fuss about something if it doesn't work for you. Try to make her pleasure your focus.

    KrunkMcGrunk on
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    As7As7 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Meiz wrote: »
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    yeah he should just give up. it's a waste of time to even try. good advice dude.

    Thanks, I'm glad you enjoy reading things into what I write.

    Let me put it in simple terms. Any woman can have an orgasm and on top of that, any woman can squirt.

    Just because a woman is not comfortable enough touching herself and reaching climax doesn't mean that she can't. It also doesn't mean that it's almost impossible to get someone in that frame of mind to have one. You just need to have a good amount of patience and pace her out of that frame of mind in order to make her toes curl.

    Actually there isn't any evidence suggesting every woman can squirt, or every woman can have multiple orgasms. Many woman who are comfortable with themselves, sexually, do not. Many woman who are comfortable with sex have trouble having orgasms.

    As7 on
    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
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    MeizMeiz Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    As7 wrote: »
    Meiz wrote: »
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »
    You're not Don Juan (unless of course you are). If she can't give herself one, it's going to be almost impossible for her to have one with you.

    yeah he should just give up. it's a waste of time to even try. good advice dude.

    Thanks, I'm glad you enjoy reading things into what I write.

    Let me put it in simple terms. Any woman can have an orgasm and on top of that, any woman can squirt.

    Just because a woman is not comfortable enough touching herself and reaching climax doesn't mean that she can't. It also doesn't mean that it's almost impossible to get someone in that frame of mind to have one. You just need to have a good amount of patience and pace her out of that frame of mind in order to make her toes curl.

    Actually there isn't any evidence suggesting every woman can squirt, or every woman can have multiple orgasms. Many woman who are comfortable with themselves, sexually, do not. Many woman who are comfortable with sex have trouble having orgasms.

    Well, what I've put into practice supports what I've said. The only thing I can do is walk you through it and you can see for yourself.

    Meiz on
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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    It probably ought to be reiterated once again in this thread that it will probably not help the OP's girlfriend to reinforce the notion that there's something wrong with her if she doesn't (x). It probably also ought to be iterated for the benefit of everyone that some girls (not necessarily the one who is the subject of this thread) have legitimate hang ups that you're not going to be able to talk them through, especially with some one-size-fits-all solution. I've known three girls in my life who had infrequent orgasms. One was overburdened by Catholic guilt about premarital sex to the point where she had a hard time enjoying it. One was a legitimate freak who had to experiment with bondage before she found sex exciting. And one was a rape victim who had flashbacks.

    SammyF on
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    HK5HK5 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Meiz wrote: »
    Let me put it in simple terms. Any woman can have an orgasm and on top of that, any woman can squirt.

    I wish that was true but there are physiological and medical reasons why it is not. If the OP's girlfriend is in the minority of women who are physically unable to orgasm she shouldn't feel bad about it and neither should he. The whole orgasm fixation is just focusing on the minutiae of sex when there are plenty of other aspects that make it rewarding and amazing. Giving a girl an orgasm does not make you good in bed. Too many guys use it as some kind of sexual scorecard and inflate the importance both for themselves and the girl.

    That stated, she probably can have one and it's just going to take time and trust like it does for most women. We don't pop out of puberty climaxing at the drop of your pants, contrary to what porn may suggest. I'd like to think there'd be a lot more pants-dropping in the world if that were true.

    HK5 on
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    ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited December 2008
    I know it says "had to come" in the first line but I think that's a typo that's supposed to read "hard to come".

    That aside yeah, some girls just don't, ever, can't, etc. If they didn't still like sex they hopefully wouldn't want to do it. Freaking out about it will accomplish nothing but to make it so neither of you can.

    ViolentChemistry on
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    HypatiaHypatia Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    People have mentioned toys and stuff before but I just wanted to toss in a suggestion for trying a Hitachi Magic Wand. They aren't a guarantee or anything but a lot of women who have had trouble reaching orgasm have been able to achieve one with it.

    Just make sure she's being careful when using it, it can be really powerful so the recommendation is to layer a towel as padding and remove layers until she figures out what she likes/needs.

    Hypatia on
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    As7As7 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Hypatia wrote: »
    People have mentioned toys and stuff before but I just wanted to toss in a suggestion for trying a Hitachi Magic Wand. They aren't a guarantee or anything but a lot of women who have had trouble reaching orgasm have been able to achieve one with it.

    Just make sure she's being careful when using it, it can be really powerful so the recommendation is to layer a towel as padding and remove layers until she figures out what she likes/needs.

    While this could be a good suggestion, the hitachi is a rather large and intimidating device to start out with.

    Maybe start with a smaller, less threatening vibrator.

    As7 on
    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
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