My very own WOMAN troubles thread....

As7

My girlfriend kissed another man last night while she was away.

There, that's the short of it.

I've been with this woman for three years.

We've lived together for two of those years.

I feel like I'm in survival mode, super calm and very analytical.

Hell, I just typed this huge story out once and it was lost and I didn't get pissed at all. Don't worry, I copied it this time before I hit submit.

Some background:

We've had trouble recently and in the past. Nothing life breaking but we've had sexual problems early on, there has been resentment from her that we haven't been engaged recently. She has also been very stressed out by school.

This is my first relationship but it has been a fairly long one. I was not a virgin though and I am confident, now, in my ability to attract women. She has had several mulit-year relationships but they were all as a teenager and, coincidentally, they each ended with her boyfriends cheating on her.

I'm going on 24, she is 21, so we have been adults throughout the relationship.

A big factor in this was probably the fact that she is graduating this year and plans to move to Arizona for graduate school.

I planned to follow her, initially, but have recently landed a very good job doing microbiology work for a vegetable processing plant. It pays good for my tastes and I have insurance for the first time in several years. Both of us know that this is a strong incentive for me NOT to move down South with her in nine months or so. After talking about it a while back there was even put foward the idea that we take a break from our relationship during the Christmas vacation, as that would be most convenient and if we broke up we coudl seperate our stuff easily.

Thanks for "listening," dudes.

I should really talk to some friends but they are friends of hers as well.

Maybe I'll call my parents.

I don't want to hurt her, I'm not angry in the usual sence and I want life to go well for her but I feel VERY distant right now.

Wavering between wanting to just tell her it's over and giving her a hug.

I know a little more about the what happened from what she told me but I'll talk about that later.

I'll provide more details as the thread moves on so feel free to ask questions.

BeautifulJoe

Too put it quite bluntly. If she is moving far away your not following, and as well she just willingly kissed another man. Then it is probably time to throw in the towel. I am not saying it can't work I am just saying it really is not probable.

Besides you have a nice new job that is alowing you to live a nice life, do not throw that away

Everywhereasign

I think we really need to know more of what happened. Was this some drunked mistake, or is she pissed at you and wants to have some fun?

The Cat

Yeah. Screwing another guy is one thing, but a single kiss isn't neccessarily on the same level at all. Depends on circumstances, although I hasten to add that its never a good thing.

As7

She had her shirt off, he was giving her a massage. This guy is 34 years old.

They kissed.

She was on a research trip, collecting pillowbasalt samples so it was completely consensual.

I think she was testing herself, as we have both had and talked about feeling as though we were just together to be together at various times, and she is probably pissed that I haven't proposed to her, and that I have been wishy washy over whether I want to leave this new job so soon to go to Arizona with her.

She isn't taking the news that I think we need to separate well, so far.

The Cat

so... she realised post-kiss that that wasn't what she wanted, or what? I mean, that's pretty dodgy, but I guess learn-by-doing can be effective :?

As7

The Cat wrote:

so... she realised post-kiss that that wasn't what she wanted, or what? I mean, that's pretty dodgy, but I guess learn-by-doing can be effective :?

Her biggest argument to me has been "I know I screwed up but I chose you."

I'm just having a hard time finding those words comforting.

BeautifulJoe

She said she chose you but in a serious relationship there should be no other option than you. Or she is just wasting your time.

Kewop Decam

Arsenic7 wrote:

The Cat wrote:

so... she realised post-kiss that that wasn't what she wanted, or what? I mean, that's pretty dodgy, but I guess learn-by-doing can be effective :?

Her biggest argument to me has been "I know I screwed up but I chose you."

I'm just having a hard time finding those words comforting.

She makes it seem like it's a contest or you're some kind of a damn pokemon. Sounds like, "I tested out this guy.. he sucked so I chose you!"

I mean, it was only a kiss, but at the same time she could be lying about that and just seeing how angry just a kiss would make you whe she could of did something a whole lot worse. I'm not saying she did, but you know...

As7

I'm not really angry.

Just kind of sanguine. Very sanguine and vaguely sad.

Zek

I don't think this is necessarily enough to dump someone over, but it does sound like a symptom of other problems that you seem to be aware of. From reading your posts it doesn't sound like you're incredibly attached to her anymore. And yeah, I'd say you were right to find the "But I chose you!" defense unconvincing. If she felt insecure enough about your relationship before that she felt the need to "test" another guy, she's not magically going to be fully devoted to you afterwards.

Underdog

Arsenic7 wrote:

I'm not really angry.

Just kind of sanguine. Very sanguine and vaguely sad.

Yeah... that there gives me the feeling that you've kind of been expecting something like this. It feels like you're sad because deep down you know that something that has been a constant for 3 years is pretty much over and done now. But I've never been in a relationship, serious or otherwise, so I could be wildly, wildly off base here.

ege02

Arsenic7 wrote:

I'm not really angry.

Just kind of sanguine. Very sanguine and vaguely sad.

Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better, but the percentage of long-term couples who haven't "messed around" with other people during their relationship isn't very high (or maybe I'm just surrounded by those kinds of people, who knows). Almost everyone does it, at some level. Kiss, blowjob, sex, whatever.

At this point what matters is that she left it at a kiss and didn't go forward with it. As I understand it, she also chose to tell you about it (am I correct, or did you find out through other channels?). That in and of itself means tons.

I don't know. Personally I wouldn't see this kind of thing as a reason to break up, especially after 3 years. But it depends on you two, where your relationship is, and where you see it going.

As7

ege02 wrote:

Arsenic7 wrote:

I'm not really angry.

Just kind of sanguine. Very sanguine and vaguely sad.

Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better, but the percentage of long-term couples who haven't "messed around" with other people during their relationship isn't very high (or maybe I'm just surrounded by those kinds of people, who knows). Almost everyone does it, at some level. Kiss, blowjob, sex, whatever.

At this point what matters is that she left it at a kiss and didn't go forward with it. As I understand it, she also chose to tell you about it (am I correct, or did you find out through other channels?). That in and of itself means tons.

I don't know. Personally I wouldn't see this kind of thing as a reason to break up, especially after 3 years. But it depends on you two, where your relationship is, and where you see it going.

I can appreciate this but I think we were just moving in different directions and this was an excuse for us, or at least me, to acknowledge.

After talking to someone I also sort of think I could find someone I'd be more excited about being with. I know relationships aren't all fun and games but I often felt like we were just together because I I'm an agreeable person and we'd learned to get around some of our early problems.

ege02

Arsenic7 wrote:

ege02 wrote:

Arsenic7 wrote:

I'm not really angry.

Just kind of sanguine. Very sanguine and vaguely sad.

Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better, but the percentage of long-term couples who haven't "messed around" with other people during their relationship isn't very high (or maybe I'm just surrounded by those kinds of people, who knows). Almost everyone does it, at some level. Kiss, blowjob, sex, whatever.

At this point what matters is that she left it at a kiss and didn't go forward with it. As I understand it, she also chose to tell you about it (am I correct, or did you find out through other channels?). That in and of itself means tons.

I don't know. Personally I wouldn't see this kind of thing as a reason to break up, especially after 3 years. But it depends on you two, where your relationship is, and where you see it going.

I can appreciate this but I think we were just moving in different directions and this was an excuse for us, or at least me, to acknowledge.

After talking to someone I also sort of think I could find someone I'd be more excited about being with. I know relationships aren't all fun and games but I often felt like we were just together because I I'm an agreeable person and we'd learned to get around some of our early problems.

It's not an honest thing to use this as an "excuse" to end your relationship if you were thinking about ending it in the first place. Not that I'm the one to give lessons in morality and ethics, considering my stances on various issues regarding relationships, but it's something to consider.

If you respect her and appreciate the times you spent together during those 3 years, you should at least let her know that your relationship was approaching its end and this "incident" led you to realize it. Don't say "I'm breaking up with you because you kissed someone," because that's not all of it. Part of being a person of integrity is being honest, and this applies to your situation as well.

Whatever you decide, good luck.