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College time! [Updated]
i n c u b u s
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So to sum up a long story, after 2 years of pulling myself out of a tremendous rut I was finally able to get accepted to my university of choice the other day. I can't begin to tell you how estatic I am about it which brings me to some issues I need advice with.
First, I'm going to be living with a good friend of mine in either a dorm or a small apartment. He is extremely quiet in normal situations unless you really get to him and we get along great for the most part. My issue here is that I need some advice on what rules to set with him especially dealing with girlfriends. We both have one and to be frank I can't stand the girl. So what should be discussed before moving in together to avoid hating eachother by the end of it all and what other general info should I be aware of in this situation?
Second, I believe I mostly have this situation under control but a lil outside perspective would be great. I have a gf who I am totally in love with. It's by far the longest and most serious relationship I've ever been in and I really don't want to lose that. That being said, she goes to school about 3 hours away which isn't impossible but makes it a bit harder to maintain. I don't see this as a bad thing however because I pretty sure that I'm going to marry this girl in the future and going to this school will make our lives so much better in the long run and we both agreed on that. So our plan is to take turns driving to see eachother every so often and use webcams/phones to their full advantages. My concern here is that being away from everyone I know for the first time, how do I keep the distractions at bay? (i.e. other girls)
Lastly, any general college advice/info would be fantastic. What to avoid and what to do etc.
I'd like to thank you guys in advance for the help and any input at all would be awesome!
First, I'm going to be living with a good friend of mine in either a dorm or a small apartment. He is extremely quiet in normal situations unless you really get to him and we get along great for the most part. My issue here is that I need some advice on what rules to set with him especially dealing with girlfriends. We both have one and to be frank I can't stand the girl. So what should be discussed before moving in together to avoid hating eachother by the end of it all and what other general info should I be aware of in this situation?
Second, I believe I mostly have this situation under control but a lil outside perspective would be great. I have a gf who I am totally in love with. It's by far the longest and most serious relationship I've ever been in and I really don't want to lose that. That being said, she goes to school about 3 hours away which isn't impossible but makes it a bit harder to maintain. I don't see this as a bad thing however because I pretty sure that I'm going to marry this girl in the future and going to this school will make our lives so much better in the long run and we both agreed on that. So our plan is to take turns driving to see eachother every so often and use webcams/phones to their full advantages. My concern here is that being away from everyone I know for the first time, how do I keep the distractions at bay? (i.e. other girls)
Lastly, any general college advice/info would be fantastic. What to avoid and what to do etc.
I'd like to thank you guys in advance for the help and any input at all would be awesome!
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i n c u b u s on
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As for the girlfriends, it can be tricky. One thing that guys I knew did was have a code word that meant "get out I want to have sex". Something you don't' say often but still can work into conversation like "goose". Other than that, don't let their presence kick you out of your own space. Throw on some headphones, don't bother them, but don't let them kick you out without a damn good reason.
Second part: If you plan on getting married, you should learn how to be able to socialize with other girls without any sort of temptation arising.
General college advice: I say this to everyone I talk to that is starting college...GO TO YOUR CLASSES. It's so very easy to skip classes and fall behind. The early morning classes are easy to sleep through, the late classes are easy to skip when plans like going to the bar come up. Just go. Showing up and actually listening to the prof (turn off your laptop, you're just going to play flash games anyway) is half the battle.
Also, if there is an orientation thing for first year students, go to that. I know it sounds lame, but you meet a bunch of people like yourself that have no clue what's going on. The school I went to had people grouped up who were in the same program, so when you ran into each other in the halls or the library you had something to talk about, or you had people to go to when you needed help with certain classes.
That being said, we'll be getting married in June, so these things do work out occasionally. As far as "resisting temptation" or whatever, I used a combination of masturbation, phone sex, and video games. your mileage may vary. Joining a club is a good idea too, since it gives you something to do and a way to meet people in a non-sexual situation.
The only other piece of advice I'll give you is that you are probably going to re-learn how you talk on the phone with your girlfriend. For me it was really hard to move from "talking" to "actually having a conversation." You gotta turn of the computer, go to the kitchen table, sit up, and focus on actually talking to the other person, like you would in real life.
Also, make sure you talk about the things going on in your lives and not just "oh I miss you so much I love you it's only 82.3 days 'till we see each other again." I mean, there's definitely a time and place for that too, but too much of it and you'll just depress yourself. Have a conversation. Be friends. Get to know her in ways you might not have noticed had life not separated you too.
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Communicate. Communicate Communicate. If something is bugging you or something bothers you, don't be like "oh I'll let it slide this time" because that shit can pile up. Be up front with each other and agree in the beginning to talk about anything and everything that may bug you.
As for the Gf situation, everything seemed to be going just fine until the other night where we had one of our usual little fights which led to us being in the "I don't know what we are" zone for now. As I read what I wrote back in January I'd like think that my opinion has changed even before what happend. I broke up with her a couple months ago because I realized I wasn't wanting that big of a commitment only to get back together with her a week later because I was afraid to lose her entirely. I love the girl and I know she loves me but I'm realizing that we're at two different points in our lives and that it might just be best to move on. Plus I told her on several occasions that if we didn't have 100% trust in eachother going into the long distance relationship then to me it was doomed to fail and I wasn't willing to put myself out there like that. Does that make any sense? Any opinions?
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Don't leave notes. Actually talk to the dude if he's doing something that sucks. On that note, pick your battles. Don't nit pick every little thing he does.
College Advice
Treat school like a full time job. Wake up at 8 a.m., go to all of your classes, and study until 5/6 p.m. Go to the library between classes and study. Don't dick around on your laptop in lieu of doing your reading. You'll have more time at night and on the weekends to do the fun stuff if you get your shit done during the weekday.
Good luck.
Similarly, if you have broken up and then tearfully gotten back together shortly after, I also take that as a sign that the relationship is too chaotic and draining to be worth maintaining.
Those are two big warning flags from my own dating experiences, but of course think about it and follow your own feelings.
I've known my roomate since primary(elementary) school and we get on great. I think the problem that catches most people that move in with friends is that they tend not to air their mind if something is bothering them about the other and it just snowballs.
I'm not, he backed out on school.
As far as the relationship goes I guess I'll find out what it comes to today. I basically gave her some space because god knows I needed some as well. If she can give me the answer I'm looking for (which is trust) then I'm willing to see this through but if not I think its best to start fresh. Hell I'm going to college, it won't be that hard to find girls am I right?
Here's a question concerning the study habits: My study habits up until now in community college living at home are not completely stellar but not lacking either. I really have a hard time actually sitting myself down for hours on end. If this is going to be anything like Evil_Reaver suggested, what are some good ways to buckle down?
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The library at my campus has three floors, and the upper floor is reserved as a study-only, no-talking or phone use quiet area. I usually get about an hour of work done there, then retreat downstairs to the cafe to socialize a bit and de-stress, then go up for another hour or so of writing or studying. I find the noise of pencils tapping and keyboards clacking to be nerve-racking though, so I always bring my iPod and a nice pair of headphones along.
Eh.
My parents broke up multiple times throughout their college careers and are in (what appears to me to be) a very loving relationship now. Sometimes you just need to find yourself a bit.
Just remember that college is a 4-7 year experiment in time management. You'll learn some neat stuff in your classes for sure, but the most important concept for you to learn in school is how to manage your time.
I went to a community college my first year to set myself up with a good GPA before going to a 4 year university. Once I transferred over, I kept my study habits up even though there were a million more distractions at university. Even though I stretched my degree to 5 years, I came out with a 3.6 GPA because I didn't fuck around with my studies.
Pro tips:
Early classes are a pain in the ass at first but they make the rest of your studying easier.
I made it a point to take as many early classes as I could because I could get my classes out of the way early in the day and spend the rest of the day studying. I'd always wake up at least an hour before my first class so I could get my brain in gear before sitting in class. Your mileage will vary on this, but I hated afternoon classes because I had a hard time staying awake during the mid-afternoon.
Stay on campus all day.
Remember how I said to treat school like a full-time job? Go to campus at 8 or 9 a.m. and don't leave until 5 or 6 p.m. This is important because it will:
1. Make it easier to go to class.
2. Make it easier to study in between classes.
Stay on campus until 5 or 6 p.m. even if your last class ends at 2:30. Go to the library or some other quiet place and do your reading until it's time to leave.
Staying on campus all day has the added benefit of forcing you to be around your peers. Study groups are easier to set up when you're already on campus and you will make more friends because you'll be available for the majority of the day.
Have fun at night and on the weekends.
University isn't all about studying. Go out at night and on the weekends, get drunk, and meet girls. Go to football games. Have fun.
You can do this because you already did your homework during the week!
This may or may not be good advice depending on you personally, but the basic premise of planning classes around your body clock is sound. I'm very productive late at night and early in the morning, but I can't get any work done on my own if I try to work in the afternoon. My solution? My classes are all been between 1pm and 8pm, and I wake up at 8 or 9 every day and spend the morning studying.
You're right about that and I should have been more specific about what I was saying. I found early classes easier to handle but you might like afternoon classes better. Be aware of what your body is capable of doing and work your schedule around that.
On that note...
Don't push your body or your mind to physical exhaustion while studying.
You're not going do to yourself any good staying up until 3 a.m. cramming for an exam, nor are you being productive by reading until the wee hours of the morning. You're going to have to break this rule every now and then, but try to get your shit done before it's due so you don't have to work your ass off at the last minute.
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My advice is if you feel like you want to try and see other people, don't suppress that urge because that is just asking for drama. Tell your gf when that time comes and it'll save you both a lot of grief.
To be honest I hope I'm wrong, I hope you and your lady do last but just from personal experience and what I've seen with a few friends of mine it just is too much.
I'm actually surprisingly hurt by all of this even though I've kind of wanting/expecting it on the inside. I've been through substantial break ups before so here we go again. It's not like I'm not excited about the possible prospects to come this year but I just thought I was done looking for a split second there. Back to reality I guess.
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Sure.
It depends on the specifics of the relationship, hence my "figure it out for yourself" disclaimer.