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There's a girl I like pregnant with someone else's kid. Advice?
KING LITERATE
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I'm going to make this the shortest girl advice thread ever:
Met online. Got number. Talked alot and hit it off. Flash forward to me finding out she's expecting (on her blog page)
She likes me quite a bit too (attracted to me as well). Common sense is telling me to cut all connections, but at the same time I'm thinking I should probably just be friends and let that be that.
Met online. Got number. Talked alot and hit it off. Flash forward to me finding out she's expecting (on her blog page)
She likes me quite a bit too (attracted to me as well). Common sense is telling me to cut all connections, but at the same time I'm thinking I should probably just be friends and let that be that.
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As long as your intentions are clear (i.e. you have no intention of persuing a relationship with this person) why would you stop being friends with someone because they are having a kid? Regardless, if it means that much to you, only you can weigh the worth of this friendship compared to... well, I have no clue what I'm comparing it to because, if you aren't going to be involved with her either way, I can't figure out what her having a kid has to do with you.
Just don't marry her anytime in the near future.
Let me elaborate a little further: This girl likes me alot and no doubt wants to pursue a long-term relationship (3 years, according to her) with me. I'm strongly assuming this was an accidental pregnancy. Neither of us have yet to talk about it to each other.
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Why exactly would she want to pursue a relationship of 3+ years without ever having met you in person? To me, that not only speaks of her naivete but leaves me wondering why she would be so willing to get involved with you seriously so quickly when she's expecting with another man's child. I know she's probably a very nice lady, but things like these tend to ring alarm bells in my head.
If you can't date her, then the only way to be "just friends" with her will be to be painfully clear that you're just friends. Maybe even the totally honest, "I can't date someone with a kid. Now, or in the foreseeable future." (If that is how you actually feel, of course. It's not like there's anything wrong with dating somebody who has a kid.)
Edit: But yeah, the 3+ years thing is pretty weird. But then, I wouldn't be surprised if that kind of desire is partly a product of her situation, physiologically and psychologically.
A good long term relationship is at least 3 years in her eyes.
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Normal, successful relationships just turn into long term relationships on their own. I find that really fucked.
Is it possible she just wants someone around to help her with the kid?
Maybe not even consciously realizing that she does, but I suspect that's the case. That she's looking for a stable, secure relationship because of her situation, and not realizing how crazy it sounds to say something like that up front.
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Anybody who starts talking about a 3+ year relationship with an online contact before meeting them in person has corrupted sectors in their brain drive.
Back off entirely unless you want some free off-the-job experience as a psychotherapist.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
They are attracted to nice fellows on the right track. I am on two online dating sites myself, and the women that have either A) warmed to me or
How old is this woman? if she's under, say, 21, take every thing she says with a grain of salt. No offense to her, but if she says "The father is out of the life" or somesuch, that's about as true a statement as The Patriots went 19-0 last year.
I would personally decide what you want. If you want to be with this girl then well, no advice on an online forum is going to change your mind about it, and I'm thinking you just wanted some positive re-enforcement, which well, you haven't really got.
As far as that 3 years thing goes, that is weird. How old are you folks?
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-Nothing wrong with meeting her in person (if you're REALLY interested). but dont get any hopes up.
-Be prepared to basically always be the second fiddle.
-Pregnancy is a motherf***
21. Girl is 19.
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My cousin has 2 kids, both from separate dads, and is single, never married. Yes, her kids consume her life, and while she's a good mom, I don't think she's in a good place to be a good girlfriend/wife, unless she meets a guy who loves both her and her kids. To flip that, I hope she doesn't meet a guy who likes her but has no interest in the kids.
There's no reason to cut her out of your life, of course, but don't get a crush on her and get all lovey-dovey. When kinds are in (or potentially in) the situation, you need to be thinking seriously. If she's cool and you two decide that it's a good thing, then great.
But the fact that she, very recently, had unprotected sex with some random guy who she's obviously not dating should be sending off alarms.
These are very important questions, there is good chance the father will want to see his newborn, will you be comfortable with this?
On the other hand, I am not trying to earn myself an infraction, but this girl could be actually be looking for some support in order to have her baby.
Treat it like any other dating situation. If it gets creepy, bail. If you don't end up getting along, bail. Who knows, it may turn out great?
It could be a great experience for you and her, but much like everything in life, it could turn to shit. Just be aware and try to enjoy what you can.
So I think it's the kind of situation where he needs to be damn sure he wants to date a mom before he dates a mom. There's nothing wrong with dating a mom, but that doesn't mean you should discount it or undertake it lightly.
But then, her behaving a few marbles short may rule out the whole thing anyway and make it a moot point.
As far as a relationship, "accidental teenage mother" would be a yellow flag for me. Things do happen, but was this a boyfriend? Unprotected sex with a stranger? I would want those answers. I would be looking carefully for clues whether this is a person who has the rest of their life on track. 95% of the time the answer is going to be no.
Then, assuming she's having/keeping the baby, you have to answer whether you're ready for Dad duty. If not then I would back up.
Her bizarre perspective on LTRs is very close to a red flag by itself. It's a very... mechanical way of looking at things.
I assume that she gave you her blog info, that she was not hiding this information from you?
I don't want to be automatically prejudiced against unwed teenage mothers, but my first reaction is to get away before what is probably a giant mess sucks you in. Maintain some light, friendly contact... maybe. You might look her up a few years down the road if she's got things sorted.
:raises hand:
Getting involved with someone who is going through pregnancy will make you the person to go through it with. This is not your child and you should not be expected to deal with that. This is beyond dating a mom, you will wind up being connected to the kid because you will wind up being there through shit. Even if it's just la maz, its you.
Well maybe OP asked a weird question. Like long-term relationships came up and then OP wanted to know what she thought long-term meant. On the spot, she ended up choosing a random number of years that seemed right. To turn and run on this alone seems like overreaction, although the pregnant part would be enough for many to decline seeing the person in the future.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
As a friend, sure. But:
1) You Do Not Want to pursue a romantic relationship. If you were interested in each other before, then the fact that she was impregnated by someone else means either (1) someone should go to jail for rape or (2) she wasn't actually interested in you. At least, not as much as whoever this guy was.
2) Stay friends with her, but DO NOT under any circumstances offer to give her money, raise her child for her, etc..
The reason why I'm saying the above is because my tool of a cousin once fell for a trap like this.
It wasn't love. It wasn't romantic. It was a trap, set by a woman and her boyfriend to fool his idealistic ass into giving them all of his money and taking care of their child while they spent his money.
Basically, they met online, JUST like your scenario. She expressed interest in him, and him (being lonely and idealistic) did the same.
Then, she pops the fact that she's "having a baby" and the "father left her", which sounds extremely similar to your situation. He felt sympathy, and told her that he would help her take care of the child.
She asks him to move out with her (about 1000 miles away, in Ohio... he's in Arizona). He agrees.
He gets there, she asks for him to add her to his bank account. She has the child. She asks him to babysit while she "goes to find work".
One day, she comes back with a man he's never met before. The man throws him out of the house, bragging to him about how badly he's been had.
Apparently this couple planned, from the start, to find a patsy on the internet to screw out of money. So they concocted this "sympathetic single mom" scam. She earned his trust, drained the money out of his savings, left him with the baby while the two went off to screw and spend his money, and then came back when it was all gone to kick him out.
My cousin never pressed charges due to the shame, despite my insistance that he should because they could just do it again to someone else.
Listen. Learn from my idiot patsy of a cousin. Don't place immediate trust in people you meet on the internet. Meet them, meet their friends, meet their family. Don't give them money, or help, or move out blindly with them.
This situation rings every alarm klaxon I have, mostly because of what happened to my cousin... but it would've done so even if the exact same scam hadn't been run on him. Think twice before making any promises to this woman.
EDIT: While I was typing, Pheezer summarized with great wisdom. Listen to him.
EDIT 2: Also...
These as well, even if she's not outright conning you intentionally.
3+ year long term relationship based on online interaction. Girl is pregnant. You are young as hell.
Good Lord NO.
She'll most likely give all of her love and attention to the baby, and if she doesn't then that also could tell you what kind of person she is.
But yea, even without all that, it's hard to trust the feelings of someone who is
1. Hormonally emotional
2. Obviously has someone else in her life that she had relations with recently
If you care for her, just be her friend. She may need that more than another boyfriend.
Double limed for xtreme truths.
I don't think I could turn the volume up loud enough to describe exactly how not excellent this situation sounds. Be friends if you want. But man. No. Just no. Also.
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think about it, there is a very low risk of her cheating on him
and thats just one of the benefits
Triple limed the first part, and limed the second at the same time.
Run away! Run away fast!
That said she does put out, and assuming no STDs no other risk eh? eh?
Note: This is purely for amusement run like hell bitch is crazy!
there is an opportunity for him to have the responsibilities and pride of a parenting role without the hassle of all the meaningless sex it usually takes to get there