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Girlfriend & Libido
Slain ii
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Me: A 20-year-old college student.
Her: An 18-year-old recent high school graduate.
We've been going out close to 3 years now. This may be typical relationship chronology... meet, start dating, hang out, make out, start fooling around, stuff is great, but fooling around gradually slooooows down...
Now, we've never really had sex in the 3 years we've been going out. We've come close a couple times, prompting the typical "omg, pregnancy?!" worries from two first-timers. We have done everything but. There used to be a time where she would be horny almost every night, and we would do whatever we would do to satisfy our urges. But as of late, it's as if her libido has plummeted. She's never turned on, she can never be turned on. For a 20-year-old guy, it's kind of frustrating.
She still lives at her parents', while I live near campus. Next semester, she'll be living with me at an apartment when we attend the same college. I'm hoping this might stir up something, since we'll be in the same bed every night and everything. But that presents another thing: she doesn't like to sleep with me, as in, laying right next to me. She prefers to "have her space to stretch out".
I don't know, am I being too needy or selfish? Sex isn't all I want in the relationship, but I want some physical closeness with her, and she never seems to want the same. She's in the "wait until marriage" mindset (a moral choice, not religious or anything), which I respect, but I'm in the "let's take our time before marriage" mindset, since she wants to wed before either of us has graduated from college.
So, what's your opinion? Am I in the wrong for even considering sex before marriage? Am I just facing a typical long-term relationship? I don't want to pressure her into anything, of course. But it's just a bit frustrating when she doesn't want to do anything.
Hopefully you don't label me as some sort of chauvinistic monster who is only wanting sex... because that is simply not true. I'll love her no matter what. I just kind of need to get this off my mind, and see what other people have to say.
Her: An 18-year-old recent high school graduate.
We've been going out close to 3 years now. This may be typical relationship chronology... meet, start dating, hang out, make out, start fooling around, stuff is great, but fooling around gradually slooooows down...
Now, we've never really had sex in the 3 years we've been going out. We've come close a couple times, prompting the typical "omg, pregnancy?!" worries from two first-timers. We have done everything but. There used to be a time where she would be horny almost every night, and we would do whatever we would do to satisfy our urges. But as of late, it's as if her libido has plummeted. She's never turned on, she can never be turned on. For a 20-year-old guy, it's kind of frustrating.
She still lives at her parents', while I live near campus. Next semester, she'll be living with me at an apartment when we attend the same college. I'm hoping this might stir up something, since we'll be in the same bed every night and everything. But that presents another thing: she doesn't like to sleep with me, as in, laying right next to me. She prefers to "have her space to stretch out".
I don't know, am I being too needy or selfish? Sex isn't all I want in the relationship, but I want some physical closeness with her, and she never seems to want the same. She's in the "wait until marriage" mindset (a moral choice, not religious or anything), which I respect, but I'm in the "let's take our time before marriage" mindset, since she wants to wed before either of us has graduated from college.
So, what's your opinion? Am I in the wrong for even considering sex before marriage? Am I just facing a typical long-term relationship? I don't want to pressure her into anything, of course. But it's just a bit frustrating when she doesn't want to do anything.
Hopefully you don't label me as some sort of chauvinistic monster who is only wanting sex... because that is simply not true. I'll love her no matter what. I just kind of need to get this off my mind, and see what other people have to say.
Slain ii on
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I know its hard, but you need to be able to talk about heavy stuff if she's special.
But yeah, you don't need to be talking to us about this, you need to be talking to her. There's only so much advice we can give without knowing where her head is at.
You're moving in together (not to mention having been together for 3 years) and she doesn't even want to sleep next to you?
There's something going on here.
In all honesty I can't share a bed with someone and get a decent enough night's sleep. I need to take up a lot of room when I sleep or I'm just not comfortable.
Possibly this, or she's possibly just being considerate. If she thrashes, tosses and turns, snores, sleepwalks, talks in her sleep, or has frequent nightmares, she might be self-conscious about ruining somebody else's sleep. It's not necessarily a red flag.
I'd suggest at least trying to tell her how you feel. But at the end of the day, sexual compatibility isn't really something you can force. If her libido is just that much lower than yours, if she just doesn't want to be physically intimate, you need to respect that. And then you need to decide just how important sex is to you in a relationship. People might tell you that breaking up with a girl because she doesn't put out is juvenile, or misogynistic, or some sort of ridiculous caveman testosterone-fueled machismo bullshit. Don't listen to them. It isn't wrong to want sex, it isn't wrong to need intimacy in a loving relationship. If my boyfriend was all "Meh, I don't really want blowjobs anymore," I would have a serious talk with him, I would ask him if he was under a lot of stress or struggling with winter blues, I would do my best to be sympathetic and understanding and respectful of his needs, but at the end of the day, if he told me "Look, I just don't want to do anything sexual with you anymore, I'm just not interested," I would kick his ass to the curb, because being able to be intimate with somebody is an incredibly important thing to me, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship without it. That doesn't make me a slut, or any such thing; it makes me a mature, responsible adult with a well-developed understanding of my own emotional, physical, and psychological needs.
If it helps, think of the role of sex in a relationship as being about on par with the role of physical fitness. If you're a couch potato, you're probably going to feel better with somebody who shares your love of just curling up at home with a bag of chips and a TV series on DVD. But if you're heavily into working out and keeping yourself in good shape, and you're with somebody who puts on forty pounds within the first year of your relationship and refuses to consider joining you at the gym, how happy are you going to be with them? Or on the flip side, if you're fairly sedentary, how much would you enjoy a relationship with someone who constantly nagged at you to start high-intensity interval training at 5:30 every morning?
Talk to her first, explain how you feel about the situation, and ask her for her input... but honestly, given the ages involved here, I suspect she's just not ready for a sexual relationship yet. Wish her well, and find somebody you're more compatible with.
Edit: You seem unhappy and I've found guys who have been in long-term relationships (with their first or second GF) just get used to being in a relationship and don't want to end things because of the normalcy it brings.
You need to ask yourself if you can live with these things and still be happy as well as talk to the girl about your feelings on the matter.
And as for the bed thing- if you are in college and she's sleeping over, does that mean you are trying to share the College-Size Toddler Bed? Because those things barely fit one, let alone two people. And I don't blame her for wanting space since you end up waking up thru the night to make sure you're not falling off, or with an armpit in your face.
It does sound like she is distancing herself from you and the best way to solve things like that is to talk about them with her. Best of luck.
I ended an engagement due partly to sexual incompatibility (and interestingly, we had trouble just sleeping together too). There were other reasons (psycho!) but it definately weighed in on my decision.
Note - i'm not saying 'dump the bitch!'. Talk about it first, you never know what she's thinking.
- There is nothing wrong about wanting to have sex with someone you love. On the contrary, you are being very patient about it, considering that your and her opinions on it are so different. Most importantly, there is nothing remotely chauvinistic. Girls like and want sex too, sometimes more, sometimes less than guys. They're just people.
- I would think long and hard before getting married prior to graduation. Three years is a really long time, but three years at this age is very very different from 3 years at 30 or 40. I was in one relationship for almost the entirety of college, and we both had changed a lot by the end. It's not like something bad will happen if you don't get married.
- I would not label you as a chauvinistic monster, but I know exactly how I can label you: guy who cares about someone so much and so genuinely that he forget to care about himself. Don't be this guy. You need to think about your needs and what you want in a partner.
Kate is perfectly worded and correct as always. TehSpectre posts insight that you always think "doesn't apply to me" until it's too late and you've figured it out yourself.
PSN/XBL: dragoniemx
If she's not giving you enough to make you emotionally and physically satisfied, it's okay to break up. But do recognize in ever relationship there will be highs and lows in the amount of sexual activity. It's a natural thing...how long has this been happening?
Honestly you should just talk to her about it. You said she is waiting to have sex because of moral reasons...but if you love each other enough to consider marriage how is that considered morally wrong? If she truly believes that, respect her wishes...but could that be an excuse? You did say you avoided it before because of the "not wanting babies". Get her on birth control(if she isn't already) and properly use condoms and spermicide and your anxiety levels about that should go down.
I would suggest getting your feelings sorted out on this BEFORE you guys move in together...that just sounds like a recipe for disaster otherwise.
As far as not wanting to cuddle while sleeping....sometimes it's just uncomfortable for people. Personally I'll cuddle with my husband for a little while before drifting off to sleep, but after awhile I go off to my own side of the bed. It's not because I don't want to be affectionate, it's just easier for me to sleep. Get as big of a bed as you can fit/afford in your place. Then you can both have your own room, and still be able to cuddle for a little while if you want to...a king works out perfectly, but I was able to make due when I only had a queen.
I would hesitate to move with someone who has lost desire to have sex with me, sex is important, unless you are monk or someone who plans to become a priest.
I agree with everyone who said you should talk to her. As long as you're honest, there's nothing wrong with wanting, or expecting, sex in a 3-year relationship. It just means you and her want and expect different things from your relationship. If it's a "moral" thing, than this divide may ultimately be wider than just the expectation of sex.
Just make sure, if you talk to her, that you don't come off as pressuring her (i.e. "Well, if you don't have sex with me, I guess we have to break up.) This is probably trickier than it sounds. Basically, just don't be a dick about it when you talk to her.
Believe me, i've been there.
You need to be a man. Accept your needs ant act accordingly.
If she doesn't give you the candy, get it somewhere else.
Not right away. But she should know, that she is gonna loose you if the sex doesnt improve.
How can you achieve that? Don't tell her that!
Instead, tell her about that cool chick you met on campus.
She was drawing a rad picture, you told her that you think its rad, that's how the conversation started.
She's also reeeeally open about her sexuality. You wouldn't believe what she did with Jake down the hall. You know, the room on the right side, that always smells like raccoons? Anyways.....well thats actually....no....i cant tell you that. Well, we had a good laugh. She'll probably be at Dave's party next wednesday. Let's see with whom shell hook up there.
And how was your day, hun?
Her head will invent the wildest stories about the girl doing to you what she did to Jake...whatever that was. That'll spice up things. Women want to hunt. They want that emotional up and down. They want to be a little insecure about their man. Otherwise it gets boring. About as boring as a lil sissy boyfreind complaining about not getting laid.
Boohoo, mummy my girlfriend wont fuck me anymore. - That's ok baby, mummys here, take a cookie.
Make a note of everything this guy said and do the opposite.
This is some of the worst advice I've ever seen. Manipulating an 18 year old girl who obviously is not ready for sex (and has specifically said she wants to wait) into having sex out of fear that if she doesn't he'll bang some girl on campus is just terrible.
Maybe I'm the oddball but if my boyfriend started this kind of bullshit I'd probably break him.
If she doesn'twant sex, thats okay. I mean: you love her right?
Don't be a chauvinistic ass that just wants sex. Humulieate yourself to a little puppy dawg for her. Thats waht all girls want and you just want her to be happy, right?
What i told him is not manipulative.
It's what every normal guy would do. Every normal guy would look for alternatives (like the picture drawing lady). He doesn't, so he has to make up a story.
If you are 18 and not ready for sex, then something in your childhood went wrong and youre still in it. That needs some fixing (by some good old sex).
She doesn't get forced into anything. If she thinks waiting is more important than her relationship, so be it. Otherwise she will have sex with him.
And guess what: she's gonna like it. So he is actually doing her a favor.
If you think im wrong: Any woman in here who doesn't like Sex with the man she loves raise their hand!...Noone??? Weird huh?
@ Vision: Concerning your bf: If you can break him, he's not man enough to pull it off anyways. Men who are dominated by their girls are sissies.
This is absolutely terrible advice. Pretend this post didn't happen, and listen to the people suggesting open communication with your girlfriend.
Talk to her. It isn't like the situation doesn't make her uncomfortable, too. Sometimes sex is organic and it simply wells up. This is what people talk about when they say "we just clicked." Sometimes there's a big purple elephant in the corner wearing a beat-up party hat.
It's like it's trying to communicate with us or something ...
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
And living under a bridge. I don't think anyone is quite silly enough to take his advice.
I'm just wondering, have you ever had a relationship? At least one that meant a little to anybody? You seem to completely not comprehend the situation at all. There are a few things going on here that just need to be talked about or else both parties will be in the dark as to each others' feelings. This isn't a case of trying to make someone jealous pulling stupid games.
I'd listen to everyone but this guy. Talk to her about it, figure out if maybe she's distracted by something. This is obviously a concern and it could be for a million reasons. We could all speculate for days, but she's the only one with a real answer. I wish ya luck man.
You don't have to take my advice.
Let the TO think for himself. He can make up his own mind.
If he thinks my advice is good, so be it.
Maybe I am the black to your white.
Let him decide.
PS: Being single is not bad either. Being a frustrated single who does not get laid however is.
EDIT: Kyanilis: The problem is, that everyone always wants to talk. I say thats counter productive. I'm not saying that he should ignore the problems. I am simply offering a different approach. As long as you don't do it to hurt somebody or to harm him, a little manipulation is not bad at all. We do it everyday unconsciously (especially the women are masters in that category).
This confuses me. Would you care to elaborate? I mean I understand not wanting to go to hell, if you honestly believe that premarital sex will send you there, but I honestly can't think of a "moral" (but not religious) reason why you wouldn't want to have sex.
And besides my personal o_O about it, it seems to suggest that she's holding the act of intercourse on a pedestal, which tends to cause a lot of stress for both of you, all things considered.
Other people have given you plenty of good (and bad) advice about the sexins, but I've got a word of advice on the sleep thing.
Does she not want to sleep in the same bed with you, or does she not want to be a "cuddly sleeper"?
If it's the first, you might just need to buy a bigger bed and/or she'll probably get used to it. If it's the second, then some folks just aren't cuddly sleepers, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I don't disagree with that point, what I do present is that this situation doesn't call for it. Especially if she's already wary about sleeping around him and sex in general. Talking about another girl and hinting towards you'd rather get with her is a terrible approach when someone is already showing signs they might not be comfortable in the relationship. In this case your "manipulation" could easily be the final nail in the coffin when all it could be is some insecurity.
If this is an issue of insecurity, giving her more reasons to not feel comfortable about the relationship is just a bad idea.
Sex is not a simple issue, particularly if one or both people are virgins. Are you telling me you've never been worried about something you've never tried? People worry about things all the time.
Or maybe she actually thinks it's immoral to sleep with someone you're not married to?
It doesn't have to be religious. She might just feel that having sex before marriage isn't something she agrees with and would rather wait until she's married. She might want to save herself for the person she's going to spend the rest of her life with. There's nothing wrong or confusing about that.
Another thing to consider, your gf is only 18, there are going to be hormonal fluctuations that are probably happening at this point so yeah, her libido could feasibly drop to nil for a while. It isn't like she (or even you) have definitely settled into your stable ending physical state. You can talk to her, but I wouldn't be too upset if she just says, "I don't know, I just haven't been feeling it", just give it some time.
If one of you isn't into sex, you likewise shouldn't expect that to change. Yes, there's the story of the virgin who discovered sex and turned into a porn star, and the story of a woman/man who lost interest in sex after getting married, but those are generally the exception to the rule -- people's sexual appetites don't change much through their life.
Stress can affect it, usually negatively. But don't expect it to change for the better without you saying something about it. If you don't say anything, she's going to assume that a) you're angry or b) you feel the same as she does.
As said above, you shouldn't feel dirty for addressing the sexual aspect of your relationship. But you need to address it if you're not happy. This is what made me respond, really:
No, that's not normal, or at least not healthy. I mean, the "totaly infatuated" part is normal, but in a good relationship that transitions to a "solid bond" and "mutual love," not "slowly losing interest while each party becomes more frustrated."
It sounds like your concern is that you're worried she's going to pull the "wait until marriage" thing, and then, once you're married, you discover that she has no interest in sex at all. Then what?
She hasn't done anything wrong, so I'm not suggesting you DTMFA, but this is a serious aspect of many relationships. You should talk to her about your sexual frustration and her lack of interest. If you're not interesting in waiting until marriage to have sex, you need her to be aware of that. If sex is important to you, and it's not to her, then that's a compatibility issue you need to address... BEFORE moving in together. Otherwise it'll simply tear your relationship apart.
Moving in together seems very unwise unless you like being really unhappy.
And I don't believe Primedape to be in the genus he claims. That's some terrible advice right there.
yes you are
I am not suggesting he tells her that he wants to sleep with another girl. I am just telling him to mention also other girls to get her fire and her hunting instict going again. That should also get rid of her insecurity. Her insecurity won't go away if she talks to someone who is as insecure (him).
It's a game, not work, or science!
To your last point: Yes i am often insecure about new things. How do i get over it? I just go for it. And that get's easyer the less you think about it (in this case the emotions of the hinting game will do the trick!
I strongly disagree.
People change. People's libido's change, and to think that a person's libido wouldn't change over the course of whole decades strikes me a ridiculous.
You touch on other factors such as stress influencing a person's sex drive, but age is another factor. Hell, it's a well trodden joke that the average woman hits her sexual peak in her 30's, whereas the average man hit theirs in their late teens.
Guess what: my advice fixes the sexual attraction problem.
No, i suggest he helps her to overcome whatever is holding her back.
And the is the opposite of whats going to happen. She will try to win him back instead of losing interest.