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actually messaging someone on okcupid?

SamSam Registered User regular
edited January 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
should I? there are a couple interesting ladies, one with an "89% match", whatever that is. Most people are around a 60% "match" it would seem, so how much of a joke is their system in reality? I know it can't be very accurate because you only answer the same questions by *chance* and the questions tend to be quite shallow a lot of the time.

More than that I'm hesitant because it would mean people would see my picture on the site and this being a college town where all these people go on campus, I fear I'd be easily recognized or something. Not a big fan of awkwardness.

But obviously I'm thinking about doing this, enough to the point where I've made this thread. What should I do?

Sam on
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Posts

  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Uhh? Message her? What have you got to lose?

    Demerdar on
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  • TK-42-1TK-42-1 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    his social standing with tons of people he doesnt know

    TK-42-1 on
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  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Just do it.

    Unless your profile comments on a profound love of scat, water sports and graphic depictions of your promiscuous submissive endeavors, you're probably pretty safe contacting whomever you like on an online dating service.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • FireflashFireflash Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Worse case scenario the girl just won't reply if she's not interested.

    Fireflash on
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  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sam wrote: »
    should I?

    Yes, that's kind of the point of OKCupid.
    Sam wrote: »
    so how much of a joke is their system in reality? I know it can't be very accurate because you only answer the same questions by *chance* and the questions tend to be quite shallow a lot of the time.

    Personally I find it works pretty well.
    Sam wrote: »
    More than that I'm hesitant because it would mean people would see my picture on the site and this being a college town where all these people go on campus, I fear I'd be easily recognized or something.

    Who the fuck cares? I mean, really? Are you embarrassed to be using a dating site?

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    anyone have any experience with the site? having a pre-ordained match factor makes things a little awkward doesn't it?

    Sam on
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Feral wrote: »
    Sam wrote: »
    should I?

    Yes, that's kind of the point of OKCupid.
    Sam wrote: »
    so how much of a joke is their system in reality? I know it can't be very accurate because you only answer the same questions by *chance* and the questions tend to be quite shallow a lot of the time.

    Personally I find it works pretty well.
    Sam wrote: »
    More than that I'm hesitant because it would mean people would see my picture on the site and this being a college town where all these people go on campus, I fear I'd be easily recognized or something.

    Who the fuck cares? I mean, really? Are you embarrassed to be using a dating site?

    a little. is that not normal? I've never met anyone online in real life, feels weird.

    Sam on
  • vsovevsove ....also yes. Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Just message them, seriously. Make sure that your message is A) interesting, B) not too creepy and C) offers an easy way for the conversation to continue, such as a question or similar. A lot of these people get two or three messages a day, yours should stand out.

    vsove on
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  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sam wrote: »
    a little. is that not normal? I've never met anyone online in real life, feels weird.

    I can understand why you might feel a little awkward, sorry if I came across as snarky.

    Seriously, though, it's not a big deal.

    And yeah, I've used it. It's not like I met my forever-and-ever lady-love on there but I've met a lot of people, some cool, some not-so-cool, but that's life.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sam wrote: »
    anyone have any experience with the site? having a pre-ordained match factor makes things a little awkward doesn't it?

    The pre-ordained match factor makes it easier to communicate, if anything.

    Demerdar on
    y6GGs3o.gif
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Demerdar wrote: »
    Sam wrote: »
    anyone have any experience with the site? having a pre-ordained match factor makes things a little awkward doesn't it?

    The pre-ordained match factor makes it easier to communicate, if anything.

    Yeah, at least you know that you're not wasting your time talking to somebody who has a diametrically opposite outlook on life as you.

    It doesn't necessarily mean you will match up with that person, it just weeds out a lot of dead-ends.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • CyberJackalCyberJackal Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You can put as little or as much importance on match % as you want. I think it's a good starting point for finding people with common values, but it's not fool proof. I've read profiles of women with 90+% match with me that I would never want to speak with.

    CyberJackal on
  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I do have a theory that, given that most girls and most "geek" guys are going to diverge sharply on numerous questions, the small subset of girls who are going to have responses that match them with the majority of OKcupid users (say 20% of girls have an 89% match with 60% of guys). This is going to worsen any extant gender disparities, and it might make your -best- matches over-messaged, jaded or too picky. So don't get discouraged - as long as somebody matches 65-70%+ then it's worth talking to them.

    kaliyama on
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  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    DO IT.

    I met my wife on OkCupid. It was, perhaps, one of the most significant decisions of my life.

    But it had to start by actually messaging her.

    Do it.

    Worst case, you have a horrible date, or she turns you down outright. Big deal.

    Best case... who knows?

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    My bf and I met on OKC, we have like a 60something% match only. We've been dating for 19 months so take from that what you will.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I met my wife on OkCupid. It was, perhaps, one of the most significant decisions of my life.

    But it had to start by actually messaging her.
    Hi5!

    But yeah. There's no point in even signing up for the service if you don't intend on ever messaging anyone.

    Quid on
  • SixSix Caches Tweets in the mainframe cyberhex Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The preordained match factor is mostly pointless and should be ignored.

    message her. You have nothing to lose.

    Six on
    can you feel the struggle within?
  • GrimmyTOAGrimmyTOA Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    And online dating has lost just about all of the stigma it once had. I'd have to use both hands to count the number of people I know who are using one site or another to get dates. It's no big deal.

    Also, in this individual case, you have nothing to lose. The worst likely outcome is that things stay exactly as they are, right?

    GrimmyTOA on
  • Gabriel_PittGabriel_Pitt (effective against Russian warships) Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sam wrote: »
    anyone have any experience with the site? having a pre-ordained match factor makes things a little awkward doesn't it?
    Stop obsessing over it. I had an extended conversation over OKcupid with a girl over Laura Ingalls Wilder. Nothing overwhelming in this world will change if you send someone a message.

    Gabriel_Pitt on
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sam wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Sam wrote: »
    should I?

    Yes, that's kind of the point of OKCupid.
    Sam wrote: »
    so how much of a joke is their system in reality? I know it can't be very accurate because you only answer the same questions by *chance* and the questions tend to be quite shallow a lot of the time.

    Personally I find it works pretty well.
    Sam wrote: »
    More than that I'm hesitant because it would mean people would see my picture on the site and this being a college town where all these people go on campus, I fear I'd be easily recognized or something.

    Who the fuck cares? I mean, really? Are you embarrassed to be using a dating site?

    a little. is that not normal? I've never met anyone online in real life, feels weird.

    Haha, you realize anyone who recognizes you is gonna be a member of the same site right? Just do it. There's no shame in having options man. Next thing you're gonna be afraid to message employers on Monster.com. :P

    eternalbl on
    eternalbl.png
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Quid wrote: »
    I met my wife on OkCupid. It was, perhaps, one of the most significant decisions of my life.

    But it had to start by actually messaging her.
    Hi5!

    But yeah. There's no point in even signing up for the service if you don't intend on ever messaging anyone.

    te he, thanks =)

    But exactly. You're there, just do it man!

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    My bf and I met on OKC, we have like a 60something% match only. We've been dating for 19 months so take from that what you will.

    Obviously that means if you'd gone for 80%, you'd be 20% closer to domestic bliss.

    Just message her. I used to do this all the time with a IM program called ICQ. It allowed you to randomly send a message to someone who wasn't on your list and through that, I actually made some pretty good friends through that. Just don't get your hopes up. I assume the whole process can be pretty hit/miss, with a lot of miss.

    Underdog on
  • W2W2 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I recently signed up for OKCupid and I've had a couple replies from girls that were an 80% match or higher.

    One girl turned out to be pretty uninteresting and the conversation eventually petered out, the other was pretty cool and I'm probably going to keep speaking to her. So yeah, your mileage is obviously going to vary but as a starting point I'd say the match percentage is fairly accurate.



    Can I piggyback a question here? What should I be saying when I first message someone? I mean, while "hi how are you, you are cute and we like some of the same bands, let's chat" is technically true it's probably not a very good conversation starter. I consider myself fairly good at talking to people but I often have trouble with breaking the ice.

    W2 on
  • Typhoid MannyTyphoid Manny Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I've been getting a lot of mileage out of picking out some particular thing that caught my attention, and messaging something about it. Like, "Oh hey you like this band? I saw them a few years ago and they were really good."

    Typhoid Manny on
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  • QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    W2 wrote: »
    Can I piggyback a question here? What should I be saying when I first message someone? I mean, while "hi how are you, you are cute and we like some of the same bands, let's chat" is technically true it's probably not a very good conversation starter. I consider myself fairly good at talking to people but I often have trouble with breaking the ice.
    "Oh hey, you like X? Have you done anything with X recently? How'd that go/why not/Let's go see/do X"

    Quid on
  • vsovevsove ....also yes. Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You're taking a look at their profiles, yeah? Point out an aspect or two of it that you think is interesting, comment on it, and ask a few questions. Show that you're at least intrigued enough by the person to pay attention to their profile.

    vsove on
    WATCH THIS SPACE.
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Also, don't believe the percentages, or even OkCupid's estimates of what kind of person it thinks they are at all. Half the time it's dead wrong, and gave too many points to them because they happened to answer one question differently than it expected.

    VThornheart on
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  • blakfeldblakfeld Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I've met a few people on OKC, I kind of enjoy the idea, but I've not had a ton of luck. Although, I did meet more people and go on more dates last year then I have in any year in my life, which I don't consider a bad thing

    blakfeld on
  • QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The percentages were pretty good for interests. But they're hit and miss with personalities.

    Quid on
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Ah, I found both to be inaccurate... but it was still a great place to meet people despite that. I think it was just the fact that you could see who took quizzes and stuff, it was an interesting icebreaker. =)

    VThornheart on
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  • PasserbyePasserbye I am much older than you. in Beach CityRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Best way to find out about someone's personality is by talking to them anyway. What's the worst that could happen - you waste a few minutes sending emails or instant messages back and forth?

    Also, dude, if you signed up with okCupid in order to meet women and you have confidence in their matching system, why not? Why even ask about this if you already made the decision to sign up with okCupid??? :|

    Passerbye on
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    It may just be that last minute hesitancy to actually pull the trigger on *using* OkCupid in that way.

    Pull that trigger, man. You've got nothing to lose.

    VThornheart on
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  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Yeah uh. Confession.

    I signed up a few days ago and sent out a few messages. It gets easier after the first message. But yeah

    1. Don't expect a reply.
    2. Try to actually put some personality into your message.
    3. Don't worry about it.

    So far i've ended up talking to a few people who are pretty interesting. As far as dating goes I have no idea what will happen but it's nice to know that there are people out there who enjoy some of the same things and aren't me.

    DasUberEdward on
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  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal mad onlineRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Messaging is easy.

    What you don't want to do is give star ratings. When you star rate someone who has star rated you it sends both of you a message on what you rated each other which can make for some hilarious situations if you accidentally click one star. (Seriously, I have done this on accident and well lets just say that conversation ended quickly). There might be a setting that turns this off, but I don't know for sure.

    I'm sure that the effectiveness of the site varies significantly by region.


    Also the % match tends to have more to do with interests/opinions than it does an actual psychological insight into if two people will be truly compatible.

    *edit*

    And as Ed pointed out above. Don't expect a reply. The male-female ratio on these dating sites is remarkably lopsided and odds are as a male you aren't the only person interested in any given candidate. When I actually used that site I must have messaged a dozen people and only gotten two or three replies.

    Jasconius on
  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Jasconius wrote: »
    Messaging is easy.

    What you don't want to do is give star ratings. When you star rate someone who has star rated you it sends both of you a message on what you rated each other which can make for some hilarious situations if you accidentally click one star. (Seriously, I have done this on accident and well lets just say that conversation ended quickly). There might be a setting that turns this off, but I don't know for sure.

    I'm sure that the effectiveness of the site varies significantly by region.


    Also the % match tends to have more to do with interests/opinions than it does an actual psychological insight into if two people will be truly compatible.

    *edit*

    And as Ed pointed out above. Don't expect a reply. The male-female ratio on these dating sites is remarkably lopsided and odds are as a male you aren't the only person interested in any given candidate. When I actually used that site I must have messaged a dozen people and only gotten two or three replies.

    I recall the star rating only tells you if you rate someone high. I got a message that congratulated me on being rated a 4 or 5 in looks and personality by a person that I had given a 4 or 5 in those categories.

    Funny story though. Sent them a message. No response :P

    DasUberEdward on
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  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Jasconius wrote: »
    And as Ed pointed out above. Don't expect a reply. The male-female ratio on these dating sites is remarkably lopsided and odds are as a male you aren't the only person interested in any given candidate. When I actually used that site I must have messaged a dozen people and only gotten two or three replies.

    Use the "shotgun approach", but make sure each little pellet it unique.

    Which is to say, personalize your message, say something that shows you're not just copy/pasting a script to them, but recognize that of 100 messages you send, you'll be lucky to hear back from even 25%. From my experiences on a variety of online dating sites, there are indeed far more men than women on the ones I've seen, so while you're sending out dozens of winks, waves or emails, they're sorting through dozens of winks, waves and emails.

    Stand out from the crowd, be patient, and see where it goes.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Don't wink or wave by the way everyone says that's pretty annoying and i've had some people do that to me that I have absolutely no intention of connecting with.

    DasUberEdward on
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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I disabled winks and im's. If someone didn't have the balls to send me a message I wasn't interested and the guys who im tend to be creeps.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    This thread (and annoyance with Plenty of Fish, which will sometimes randomly decide not to send a message) has led to me looking into OKCupid, and it seems intriguing. I'm not entirely sold on matching people through questions or tests, but it can make breaking the ice on an initial email a bit easier, and the site in general seems to lead to people actually filling things out, rather than just posting 4-5 pictures and leaving the rest blank, which is pretty common on PoF.

    Anyway, a small question; quickmatches? I've clicked it a few times to see who shows up, and the site has mentioned a few people commenting on me as well, but I don't see anywhere that I can see who specifically star'd me, or what the ratings were.

    Hopefully this isn't something blindingly obvious, but scanning through the various links at the top, nothing seems to reference them anywhere, aside from the search itself. It seems from within the Quickmatch part, you can find people you've rated in the past, but I'm still not seeing anything about what others have rated me.

    Edit: ooooh, for high star ratings, it sends you an in-site mail. I guess times that it pops up the "you've been rated" message but doesn't send a mail, you got a mediocre or low rating... which raises the question as to why they'd mention it at all.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The trick you must remember is that the quizzes and stuff arent' accurate at all, and if you meet anyone on OkCupid who thinks they ARE an accurate determiner of compatibility, you probably won't want to meet them. It's an interesting and fun indicator, but don't take it as God's own word. =)

    VThornheart on
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