You should just name every character Sephiroth. (I actually did that once.)
That is pretty amusing. I think part of the President Shinra conversation is a good example:
President Shinra
"...Long time no see? Oh... you."
"You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew
you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes..."
"Tell me, traitor... what was your name?"
Sephiroth
" Sephiroth."
President Shinra
"Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each
person's name."
"Unless you become another Sephiroth."
"Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..."
You should just name every character Sephiroth. (I actually did that once.)
That is pretty amusing. I think part of the President Shinra conversation is a good example:
President Shinra
"...Long time no see? Oh... you."
"You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew
you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes..."
"Tell me, traitor... what was your name?"
Sephiroth
" Sephiroth."
President Shinra
"Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each
person's name."
"Unless you become another Sephiroth."
"Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..."
You do know there are over 3800 scenes in this game (I counted). If you are going to post them with commentary, more power to you. You have more staying power than I.
I'm just a human so the best I can promise is I'll go as long as I can. I admit I'm sort of a lazy person, but I'm also not a very busy one. So right now I've got the time. The only things that'll stop me are sudden and drastic changes to my life schedule, massive unforeseen technical difficulties or the implication that people no longer care/don't find it interesting anymore. Even if it's just a once a week thing, it's not that big a deal. It just might take a year at that rate.
As far a simply just losing interest? I've been playing MMO's for 10 years. I'm used to repetitive, tedious tasks.
President Costanza is fantastic. Aeris renamed into Slum Drunk sounds amusing, too. Or maybe Harlot. Tramp? Nadiana?
Aerisith?
Hah. I told her earlier when I was discussing who I'd name after my friends that she could be Yuffie. When she got upset I said she could be Aeris instead. I doubt she'd approve if she knew why I was naming her Aeris this time. I already named her
Mary Sue
anyways. I found it appropriate.
There should be a small update tomorrow just to bridge the gap between meeting Aeris and getting to Wall Market, since Wall Market is going to need an update all its own. I'm having difficulty writing for what I have shots of so far. It's a fairly boring few minutes of play. So no promises on the hilarity or lack thereof.
Well, this thread has got me playing it again, only this time, I'm going to try and find out what happens if you make it to Mythril Mines before heading to Kalm for the plot sequence... for the sole reason of seeing if I can get Yuffie before it. I predict one of four possibilities:
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
BlitzAce1981 on
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
Well, this thread has got me playing it again, only this time, I'm going to try and find out what happens if you make it to Mythril Mines before heading to Kalm for the plot sequence... for the sole reason of seeing if I can get Yuffie before it. I predict one of four possibilities:
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
Well, this thread has got me playing it again, only this time, I'm going to try and find out what happens if you make it to Mythril Mines before heading to Kalm for the plot sequence... for the sole reason of seeing if I can get Yuffie before it. I predict one of four possibilities:
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
Why not just, uh, not fight the Zolom?
Because the Chocobo Ranch doesn't open until you do the flashback sequence in Kalm, therefore no Chocobo Lure materia, therefore no way of quickly evading the battle; and given how fast it moves on the map, if you're on foot it's a 99% chance of having to fight... never tried escaping though, but I'm still hours from that bit.
BlitzAce1981 on
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
Well, this thread has got me playing it again, only this time, I'm going to try and find out what happens if you make it to Mythril Mines before heading to Kalm for the plot sequence... for the sole reason of seeing if I can get Yuffie before it. I predict one of four possibilities:
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
Why not just, uh, not fight the Zolom?
Because the Chocobo Ranch doesn't open until you do the flashback sequence in Kalm, therefore no Chocobo Lure materia, therefore no way of quickly evading the battle; and given how fast it moves on the map, if you're on foot it's a 99% chance of having to fight... never tried escaping though, but I'm still hours from that bit.
Walk across the marsh some before he hits you. Open menu. Save. Reload game. He won't be near you. If he gets close again, open menu and save. Reload game. Finish your trek across the swamp.
Don't be a bitch about it. Just kill it. It's got 4000 HP, poison it immediately, have a healer equipped with elemental-fire on his/her armor, use a tranquilizer to decrease damage taken, and don't attack it with that character. Blast away with the other 2 with limit breaks/bio/enemy skill. If your healer has enough HP, he/she should survive Beta if it decides to cast it.
I bet someone will be there to bar your entrance, but I support you.
Tylerbroor on
0
Ninja Snarl PMy helmet is my burden.Ninja Snarl: Gone, but not forgotten.Registered Userregular
edited January 2009
Ahahaha, I have the perfect name for Aeris. Name her Aerith. That way the people who erroneously think a more direct translation is better than a localization get to see a whole Let's Play with the "right" name and it constantly irritates the people who think it sounds stupid. Hell, "Aerith" irritates me and I still think it would be funny.
Nice LP, by the way. Crossing my fingers that it actually gets finished out.
Well, this thread has got me playing it again, only this time, I'm going to try and find out what happens if you make it to Mythril Mines before heading to Kalm for the plot sequence... for the sole reason of seeing if I can get Yuffie before it. I predict one of four possibilities:
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
Good, you can be the 'try weird shit' guy of the thread, since it has been so long for me that I just don't remember any tricks nor do I really want to waste my time doing them.
Anyhow
Part 4 - Lost in Translation
Perfect.
‘Huh? Is this some sort of street code? Are you… going to try and whore me out?’
Turns out she really meant bodyguard. Squall is a no-nonsense mercenary, charging the young girl who politely asked him to walk her home. I guess he deserves some credit for not being tempted by the womens… Hmmmmmm.
‘What…? You know… the weird roaming of the dark alleys, the glazed look in your eyes. Selling “flowers” to strange, girly men. I get it now. You’re not a dealer. You’re a hooker. And now you’re offering me a free “session”.... Okay. Fine whatever. Just stop talking already.’
‘Oh shit. Your pimp is here. Listen, she was hasslin’ me, man. I don’t want any trouble…’
‘Oh god! Don’t break my legs! I need them to walk and Jazzercise!’
‘I appreciate the concern… Stupid Whore-bagel.’
Squall and Mary wisely choose to flee.
How does one catch holy hell, and what are the consequences of doing so…?
‘Funding Uwe Boll films… Producing Yanni albums… Writing for the Final Fantasy VII LP…’
‘HAhahahahahahaha… haha… ha…
I mean. Yes, sure, why not?’
I should have started a counter on “SOLDIER”. I’m sure we’d be up to at least 500 by now.
Rumor has it he’s a kickass bowler, though.
‘Are he? Yous and me shouldly entered there pipe and be on with the inspect.’
‘Dude wasn’t kidding…
Look at all those trophies! He must be one of those idiot savants. An idiot bowling savant.
‘You think? It was? Unless it’s a magical disappearing tattoo, it’s still there. So is it a number 2 or isn’t it? Do you even know what the number 2 looks like? You’re seriously on your way to being the most idiotic person I’ve met all week.’
‘Fear not, Mary, you seem to have some strong competition…’
‘Are you trying to tell me you DON’T want this ketchup packet once used by Gilbert Gottfried? Okay, your loss…’
…
… ...
‘…*twitch*’
After washing the blood and intestines off his sword, Squall arrives at Mary Sue’s house. Flowers only grow in the church, huh? Guess she forgot to check the fucking garden in her own backyard.
Upon entering, we’re greeted by Elmyra, Mary’s mother. She’s obviously upset that her daughter was out so late again, but is relieved when Squall is introduced. It’s about now that it hits me. Mary’s actually a genius. She’s able to bring her clients right to her own home and pass them off as ‘bodyguards’ so not only does her mother approve, she’s thankful.
‘You might have cooties… eeewwwww….’
‘No, not at all. I expect you to listen, make me a sandwich, and shut the fuck up. I’ll even be kind and let you choose the order.’
Even more is revealed in the genius plan. Her mother even invites the strange man to stay the night. It’s called Final Fantasy for a reason, folks.
‘Mary is pretty hot and all, but she’s dumb and probably infected with something. At least Lockheart is just sort of boring and has juicy melons. I’d be better off blowing this one-night-popsicle-stand and going back. Plus, she’ll be so relieved to see I’m alive that she’ll jump my bones within point-two seconds. Not to mention I have the dead father card to play still. This cannot fail.’
‘AH FUCK NUGGETS.’
Okay so Mary Sue convinces me to allow her to… guide me to Sector 7 or something. Whatever, it’s not that far. Squall simply envisions the potential threesome possibilities.
We kick the shit out of some houses on the way. Mary is quite skilled with a rod.
Oh come on, it had to be said.
‘No. But I have a feeling you won’t listen to me, as NO ONE FUCKING DOES.’
Hard to catch in a screenshot, but there was a quick flash between that line and the next, almost as if he “forgot” what rank he was and had to be “reminded” like an “idiot”.
‘You’re taking a very sharp turn into boring territory, Mary.’
Of course it doesn’t. The classic RPG line of plot aversion. There’s absolutely no possible way this person is important to the story whatsoever, right!?
We’re soon distracted by the daily prostitute carriage; however this one is a bit peculiar.
‘Just great. She thought I was dead and lost the will to continue on, so she’s whoring herself out to get back Loaf’s money before meeting Mr. Razorblade. Yeah, that’s definitely it.’
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: No one can be… told what Wall Market really is… You have to see it for yourself.
End Notes: I'm not sure how long the next update will take. Screenshots and commentary can't really capture the shame and wonder that is Wall Market, and I'm sure I'll feel compelled to capture everything, but I'll do my best.
Okay, it's been bothering me. Does SOLDIER stand for something? Because it's really annoying to see it all in caps and not know what it means.
Not as annoying as -words- like this -from- Xenogears, though, but close!
MinionOfCthulhu on
0
cj iwakuraThe Rhythm RegentBears The Name FreedomRegistered Userregular
edited January 2009
Not really, just like AVALANCHE, they liked to capitalize group names.
Though I once heard that Turk stood for Tactical Unison Reconnaissance Killers.
And I love the updates for taking Aerith off her saint ladder. She's not exactly an innocent character.
cj iwakura on
0
KorKnown to detonate from time to timeRegistered Userregular
edited January 2009
They just don't want you to confused soliders for SOLDIERS. Regular Shinra soliders aren't the same as the Class Soldier.
Good, you can be the 'try weird shit' guy of the thread, since it has been so long for me that I just don't remember any tricks nor do I really want to waste my time doing them.
That reminds me... in one of my old saves, I was farming the Gelnika for sources, and I think I came across a gltich in my materia setup. I believe it was using Pre-Emptive materia linked with a mastered Steal, combined with a Mega All, which on occasion resulted in the Slash All animation (Only with Mug, obviously) causing an attack that didn't bring up any damage figures, but killed instantly... and I'm not even talking Death status attacks - I think this had more in common with the glitched damage you can get Barret and Vincent to do with their ultimate weapons...
...Actually, I still have that save. I might try recording a video of it sometime.
BlitzAce1981 on
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
This part of the game is pretty infamous for being strange. I ended up taking like 600 screenshots, but obviously I had to cut it down. Sadly just so many oddities are lost in having to edit out so much.
Let’s begin.
‘What the fuck? I’ve been here five seconds and I’m already past my insanity limit.’
Good chance he isn’t lying. I’m sure at least one of the girls is named “Destiny.” Anyhow, this is the Honey Bee Inn. It’s a nexus of the universe for everything fucked up.
Squall questions him about Lockheart, and is told she’s in an “interview” right now where afterward she’ll be taken to Don Corneo.
I guess you’d know, wouldn’t you? Alright, go ahead.
SHUT UP, SQUALL. LET HER GO.
‘Yes, this is exactly how I envisioned my weekend. Wake up, leap from a train, fight a floor buffer, fall a mile, get chased by a pimp, find out my childhood friend is now whoring herself out, and visit a pervert mansion. I fail to see how this could get much worse.’
Seriously? Did you choose to conveniently forget you were in SOLDIER!! this very second? You eat commotion for breakfast. Jesus, even Mary got leveled up enough to probably take out this entire market. If you knew what the other option was, I think you’d go this route…
After some guilt tripping of the “What, you don’t care about Lockheart?” variety further proving that Mary is a manipulative bitch, Squall finally gives in. Fangirls rejoice. Sane players get their razorblades handy. The Japanese proceed as if everything is normal.
A quick stop to the clothing store informs us that the dress girl’s father, Dress Man, is getting plastered, so we pay him a visit at the bar.
For once, the characters are just as confused at the dialogue as I am. Clothing for Squall is then requested.
‘I think you misunderstood. I said I wanted to skin a girl, and wear her like a dress.’
Well, we have to wait for the dress to be made. What other mind-bending shit can we find in this hellhole? Wait, there’s one thing I have to do first…
‘This one is for Mary, for asking me to be her Bodyguard.
*clears throat*
AND I~~~~Eiiiiii WILL ALLLWAYS… LOOOOVE YOUUUUUUOoooo’
This fat guy hands me his membership card to the Honey Bee Inn.
‘I guess I could use a break.’
Truest thing I’ve heard all week, lady.
Squall decides not to let his membership go to waste. If you’re going to perv it up, may as well go whole hog and be a voyeur, too!
This is all you see, plus an intermittent flash of light. (I've learned now that you can move the camera and actually see things, how about that.) The script for what he hears is as follows:
(Lightning flashes... a guy in a tub... another standing... one is dressed
as a king.)
...The wind's calm now....
It's the curse of the resurrected Satan... Our beloved Queen does
not awaken...
The time is ripe...
A legend has been passed on through generations...
"Psst... (Hey, shouldn't we stop him soon?)"
"...whisper... whisper... (We have a luncheon with President
Shinra...)"
"Psst..... (You tell him.....)"
"Psst.... (I can't tell him........)"
"Psst.... (Come on!! Oh, well....)"
A legend has been passed on through generations....
.....the sought after Promised Land....
"Psst.... (I'm so disgusted with the President.)"
....One with Blue Eyes....
"Psst....(It's like this every time we have a business trip to
Midgar.)"
.....and a Great White Sword on his back.....
"(We come all the way to Midgar, just for this....)"
.... Will not lead to the Promised Land.....
"Psst.... (What're you complaining about. You're just holding the
lights. I've gotta wear this heavy armor!)"
"Psst.... (I know, I know... but it's all part of the job.)"
"Psst.... (Oh yeah, did you hear? The President's wife found out
about this little hobby of his.)"
"Psst... (Ha, ha.... No way, that's the first I've heard of it.)"
"Psst... (Oh, looks like he's done. Man, I'm glad!!)"
"Geez!! Mr. Prseident!! I mean, Your Majesty..."
(Smacking sounds.)
"Ohhh... I'm sorry. Please remove the ancient curse!"
When LARP sessions go too far…
The sad part is that’s probably the least disturbing thing in this whole place.
Peepy peepy.
Same sort of keyhole before, but a… much different result dialogue wise…
(He sees a Grandpa and Grandma....)
"...wheez...."
"Phew...."
"What's wrong, Grandpa? You keep sighing."
"...wheez... puff... You know, Grandma..."
"You talking about this room?"
"...whew... I know our son rented this for us and all, but...."
"It's too nice for us. Big round bed, gorgeous tub, I just can't
get comfortable."
"Don't worry about it. It's a high class neighborhood, in the Big
City."
"You keep complainin' and we'll get into trouble."
"...wheez..."
…*shudder* Moving on.
You’re given the choice between two rooms.
I chose the group room because I couldn’t quite remember what happened in there. I’m now regretting it. I really don’t know how to comment on it very much, so I’ll let the dialogue and screenshots mostly speak for themselves:
‘You know… Can we talk a bit, first?… Lately… I’ve felt like no one really cares about me…’
‘I guess I’m ready now… Can you play “My Heart Will Go On” while we’re doing it? Oh, and do you mind if I cry…?’
‘God, I love that movie… but I also hate it… Why does Jack have to die!? I… wait, what do you mean “everyone”?
'Holy Mother of God.'
Meanwhile, Squall prays for a comet to hit the Earth.
WHAT
IS WRONG
WITH
THIS PLANET
???!!!???
?!
This never happened.
So, there are a bunch of mini-quests in Wall Market to pretty Squall up real good. That scene was one of them, giving you the bikini briefs. Not… quite sure why that helps, since he’s going to be wearing a dress. Just how far does he plan to go with the Don, anyhow…?
In the top room of the Honey Bee Inn, there’s a place where you can get some makeup applied…
This guy had a dilemma where he was kicked out of the (normal) inn for getting in a fight with the manager, but he’s dying to know what’s being sold in the vending machine there. He also makes a comment about how he can’t ask a girl to do it, either, giving you the impression that it is something naugh-taaay.
It ends up being a protein drink set. So in return he gives you a… diamond tiara. SENSE THIS MAKES NOT.
The guy is like Superman… just only if Superman had no strength or heat vision and was limited to just Super Tailoring. Anyways, the dress is done already, uh, yay I guess.
I guess this is logical. Squall does look like he slept next to a very lick-happy Moose aka Loaf.
These girly wrestler dudes challenge you to a squat-off for the wig. They were unaware that Squall was the 2005 Squatting World Champion, so they got royally owned and I got the good wig.
This woman was vomiting for a while. I was able to get her out by giving her a digestive that I got from a pharmacy coupon… that I got from the diner. In other words, the diner expected me to toss chunks after their shit on a plate. She gives me the cologne; I guess fully expecting I’ll be in there next.
With this, I think I got all the best key items for this “event” save the lingerie. You get that by choosing the other room back in the Honey Bee Inn.
Time to put it all together…
This is probably the one time where you can be thankful for the Legoesque character models. Squall doesn’t really look much different other than some pigtails and a dress. If this game ever gets remade, I fear for everyone’s sanity at this point in the game.
Dress Man thinks this could be a new business for him. Being a whore of multiple variety, Mary doesn’t like Squall getting ALL the attention, so she picks out a new dress for herself and comes out looking like a total skankoid. Guess she’s used to it though.
Time to brave the waters…
So we find her in this dungeon that has a total Hostel vibe going on. Mary Sue and Lockheart talk a bit about Squall and proceed to reassure each other multiple times that neither of them are romantically involved with him with lines like “we’re just childhood friends, nothing more” thereby crushing whatever dignity he had left. Honestly after this point in the game, he stops acting like a total jackass, so I’m convinced this event destroyed his manhood.
‘If you wanted to get laid that badly, I have my Bob Dole mask right here. Jeez.’
So she wasn’t whoring herself out because of crushing sadness, just to get information. Well, that’s much nobler, right? Unfortunately it was also idiotic, because the Don is now looking for a full-time wife. Lockheart was in a bit of a pickle because if she wasn’t chosen, she’d never get the information.
They come up with the plan that if all 3 of them are in the lineup, then whoever he chooses, they’ll get the information no matter what. Of course, this means Squall is also ‘one of the girls’. Mary and Lockheart head upstairs as they’re called while Squall downs the bottle in the side of the room praying it’s arsenic. Sadly, it’s just Ether.
If there’s ever a posterboy for androgynous JRPG hero, it’s Squall. Placed between Lockheart and Mary Sue, he is STILL chosen by the fat man dressed like a porno director.
‘I know, right? It’s a gift… and a curse.’
‘A lard-ass with a neon yellow mohawk. What’s not to love?’
‘Just thinking about that doughy goodness gets me all… mmm.. yeah…’
Okay, I’ve had enough of this.
‘Only on the outside… *daydream sigh*’
Mary Sue and Lockheart soon barge in having taken out the lackeys they were left with on their own. I guess I should point out now that if Squall isn’t chosen, he gets left with the lackeys, eventually revealing himself to be a man and kicking the shit out of them. By the time you get out of the room, you’ve essentially murdered everyone in the mansion. You can only assume that Lockheart and Mary have to do the same.
In other words, the commotion you were hoping to avoid by dressing up as a woman HAPPENS ANYWAY.
THIS WHOLE PART OF THE GAME WAS POINTLESS!
Okay, so, they begin to try to get information out of Don Cornholio finally by threatening to do painful things to his balls. No, this isn’t a joke.
By who, they ask, before more testicle mutilation is offered.
I’m not sure he (or Shinra) understands the definition of “infiltrate.”
Basically, Shinra hired Don to find out information on AVALANCHE. He managed to figure out they were located in sector 7. Shinra’s reaction is to bomb the support and crush the whole slum sector with the plate above. Actually pretty sadistic. The group realizes the urgency and begins to head back, but Don figures he needs to get the last laugh.
In a Looney Tunes fashion, a lever is pulled, and a trap door opens up; they levitate in midair for a moment, before plunging down.
Meanwhile, in Club Midgar’s VIP lounge…
Apparently having “morals” and “ethics” are personal problems these days. Get with the times, Reeve!
President Costanza: ‘I have a membership card here for the Honey Bee Inn. I hear good things about the “Group Room.”’
President Costanza: ‘I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!’
Our heroes end up in the sewer. Sadly, still a step up from Wall Market.
Continuing our string of retarded bosses, this is Aps. This one casts a tidal wave that hits the whole party… but also himself. It does a lot more damage to him than to you. Since I had overleveled a bit by this point, I think I might have been able to win the battle by literally doing nothing. Either way, I kick his ass and there ends the Wall Market chapter.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII… Christmas comes early for Squall!
I had no idea the game was this fucked up. Also, the translation is TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE! How could it possibly be that bad? FFVI's translation wasn't this bad....But this? Grammar errors left and right; text that doesn't make any sense, etc....
I read the plot summary on Wikipedia last night and got thoroughly confused...
Cameron_Talley on
Switch Friend Code: SW-4598-4278-8875
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0
Kai_SanCommonly known as Klineshrike!Registered Userregular
Well, this thread has got me playing it again, only this time, I'm going to try and find out what happens if you make it to Mythril Mines before heading to Kalm for the plot sequence... for the sole reason of seeing if I can get Yuffie before it. I predict one of four possibilities:
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
Why not just, uh, not fight the Zolom?
Because the Chocobo Ranch doesn't open until you do the flashback sequence in Kalm, therefore no Chocobo Lure materia, therefore no way of quickly evading the battle; and given how fast it moves on the map, if you're on foot it's a 99% chance of having to fight... never tried escaping though, but I'm still hours from that bit.
Actually, while i dont remember how as it was a LONG time ago, when I first played the game I managed to dodge it without leet hax. I didnt know you could chocobo by so I just got at a perfect corner and deeked the motherfucker out.
George as President Shinra is so wrong... and yet so right
Shujaa on
0
KorKnown to detonate from time to timeRegistered Userregular
edited January 2009
I've skipped Kalm before. It was my second playthru and way back around '99 or something.
I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I want to say barret showd up (he wasn't in my party) at the entrance to the mines and just handed me the PHS and that was that. I continue'd thru the rest of the game without noticing any differences.
Granted this was pretty much 10 years ago, so I could be full of shit and not realize it.
I've skipped Kalm before. It was my second playthru and way back around '99 or something.
I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I want to say barret showd up (he wasn't in my party) at the entrance to the mines and just handed me the PHS and that was that. I continue'd thru the rest of the game without noticing any differences.
Granted this was pretty much 10 years ago, so I could be full of shit and not realize it.
If that's the case, that would definitely be number 2, in which case I'd just be sequence breaking somewhat... although, it makes you wonder what happens if you then go back to Kalm... probably nothing.
As for the latest update, couldn't agree more about it NOT BEING THE ONLY WAY. Seriously, he has a sword bigger than he is - he could just stab everyone who gets in the way... and that's before you consider the materia. Speaking of which, I've always wondered why, instead of answering 1, 2, or 3 to Corneo's question, they don't just answer, "Fire 2!" and laugh as he runs around on fire.
Even better if they were able to target the magic at his crotch. "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!"
BlitzAce1981 on
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
This LP caused me to break out FF7 on my PS3 last night, surprisingly the pc PS1 emulators are more accurate than the official Sony PS1 emulator. I noticed occasional graphical glitches. Like how when selecting an enemy in battle mode the hand cursor thing flickers.. well on the PS3 it is the hand cursor but when it would normally flicker it becomes the cursor with a black background. (for example)
Think I'll fire this up on a pc emulator instead.
GrimReaper on
PSN | Steam
---
I've got a spare copy of Portal, if anyone wants it message me.
I hope in the eventual remake (it has to happen eventually), he'll be a man, bust open the door and cause the commotion. Still give you the option to cross-dress though, if you like.
Glad people find the George thing amusing, because I was a bit worried I was making a joke only for myself by doing that.
Immense writers block was had on this one. Oh well. Anyways,
Part 6 - The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
After a trek through the sewer and then the ominous TRAIN GRAVEYARD ooooeeeeeeooooooo… we’re back in Sector 7.
Battle atop Phallic Pillar. Heyyy something large and obese seems to be falling.
Uh oh, it’s uh… this loser. He fell a pretty long way, so the fact that he’s still talking is pretty impressive. I guess it’s that extra padding.
‘You know, I’ve been giving Jessie crap this whole time, but really, what HAVE you done? Well, at least you’re not a man trying to pass yourself off as a woma-
…EVERYONE STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.’
This is going to be serious business, so we don’t want Mary messing up our shit. Lockheart requests she go take Marlene somewhere safe. I remind her that, while probably quite cavernous, her vagina doesn’t count.
‘You’re also not important enough to remember. Why does everyone keep asking me this!? After all I’ve seen lately, everyone on this planet deserves a slow, agonizing demise.
Wait a sec, if you and Tubbo are at Death’s Door… this must also mean…
Cue “Ode to Joy”…
‘It’s like… Christmas and my birthday had sex and created the most awesome day of all time…’
God, where’s the third “Shut up and die” option?
‘No, I’m pretty sure it’s your punishment for being a horrendous failure in everything you’ve ever tried to accomplish. You didn’t even make it up the stairs. Now go to Hell.’
Squall heads on, whilst whistling a happy tune.
Atop the pillar, Loaf is putting up a fight. Mary’s pimp shows up to arm the bomb proving he doesn’t mess around when it comes to people stealing his girls.
So, he has this attack that puts some yellow triangle over one of my party members. He proceeds to taunt us about it, too.
I can. This gives me the excuse to attack my own party members, but since Mary isn’t here, it’s not really all that satisfying. One attack breaks it. He’s pretty much a pussy otherwise and I beat the crap out of him with just physical attacks.
‘Ohh would ya lookit that. I’m gonna be late for Gilmore Girls…’
Exit stage left for Reno. Suddenly, Pimp Patriarch Tseng arrives
Ohhh Iceburn. Hey… who’s that with him?
‘Damn it, Loaf, try it! There’s no time!’
It’s Mary Sue! Halloween and New Years have joined in the Holiday Orgy! This is almost enough to make Squall forget about having lost his balls just a couple hours ago.
‘Thank you, Tseng’ Squall comments as he turns to daydream about other, prettier girls to make into dresses.
Pimpslap! (He really does this. It’s awesome.)
‘You only get to open that mouth when you’re on your knees, Bitch… Oh you are… Well, I don’t see any cocks around! Oh, there’s one over there with spiky hair… Wait, why am I trying to justify this? I’ll smack you whenever I please.’
Sector 7 Resident: 'The sky is falling!'
Sector 7 Resident 2: 'Christ, Chicken Little, would you shut the-... Oh god damn it..."
President Costanza: ‘Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system!’
‘Chillax, Loaf... You are really starting to put a dent in this awesome day.’
‘Oh, I thought she meant Anne Hathaway. She certainly is allllll right.’
Loaf is pacified a bit, however…
‘Do you want me to remind you again? Because I can.
They were in the pillar. It exploded. It exploded in a glorious ball of fire. They were set aflame and then buried in rubble. They are dead. Deady dead dead.
…
…Dead.’
‘Okay uh… Six feet under? Pushing up daisies? Feeding the fishes? Kicked the bucket? Bought the farm? Bit the dust? 404ever, Pulse Not Found?’
‘Uh… Yeah? How is this even in question?’
Squall considers this a satisfying end to the day, so he heads off.
‘Why the fuck would I do that? I’m going to get wasted. This has been a long weekend and I deserve it. Though there is one thing I’d like to do first…’
Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is awesome.
Fine fine, I guess I am curious about something.
Oh pancakes, this is going to be a long story isn’t it…
Loaf
"...What did you say? But, aren't you her mother?"
Elmyra
"...Not her real mother. Oh... it must have been 15 years ago..."
"...during the war. My husband was sent to the front. Some far
away place called Wutai."
(The camera pans up... Mary Sue's house disappears off the bottom of the
screen, leaving only black.)
"One day, I went to the station because I got a letter saying he
was coming home on leave."
(The screen goes white. A train whistle blows, and we see the Sector 7
train station. A train is pulling into the station. The door opens, and
bright light fills the screen. We see various people getting off, greeted
by their families... Elmyra stands near, watching the people getting
off... Then the train door closes. She walks, afraid, to the conductor,
who shakes his head. She sits forlornly on the steps to the platform.)
My husband never came back.
I wonder if something happened to him?
No, I'm sure his leave was just canceled.
I went to the station everyday.
Then, one day..........
(The screen goes white... then we see a woman lying on the steps to the
platform. A young girl is running around her, crying. Elmyra runs over
and kneels by the woman. The young girl runs to her.)
You used to see this sort of thing a lot during the war.
Her last words were, "Please take Mary Sue somewhere safe."
My husband never came back. I had no child. I was probably
lonely. So I decided to take her home with me.
(A train whistle sounds... the screen goes white, then fades to black.)
"Mary Sue and I became close very quickly. That child loved to
talk. She used to talk to me about everything."
(We are back at the living room, but some time past. Mary Sue as a young
girl runs down the stairs, then trips on the rug. Elmyra rises from the
table, helps her up, hugs her, then Mary Sue scampers out the front door.
The living room disappears off the top of the screen.)
"She told me she escaped form some sort of research laboratory
somewhere. And that her mother had already returned to the planet, so she
wasn't lonely... and many other things."
(We are back at the living room, in the present.)
Loaf
"Returned to the planet?"
Elmyra
"I didn't know what she meant. I asked if she meant a star in the
sky."
"But she said it was this planet... She was a mysterious child
in many ways."
Mary Sue
"Mom."
(Elmyra turns toward the stairs. The camera pans up, hiding Cloud and the
others, then pans down again and they are gone. Mary Sue, as a young girl,
runs down the stairs. Elmyra is speaking in the present.)
Mary Sue
"Please don't cry."
Elmyra
"Mary Sue just blurted that out all of a sudden. When I asked her
if something had happened..."
Mary Sue
"Someone dear to you has just died."
"His spirit was coming to see you, but he already returned to
the planet."
Elmyra
"At that time I didn't believe her."
(The living room disappears off the left side of the screen.)
Elmyra
"But..."
(It comes back, from the left. Elmyra is sitting at the table, holding
her head in her hands. Her shoulders are hitching.)
Elmyra
"Several days later... We received a notice saying my husband
had died..."
(It disappears to the right.)
Elmyra
"...and that's how it was."
"A lot had happened, but we were happy. Until one day..."
(The living room reappears from the left. Tseng is in the living room with
Elmyra.)
Tseng
"We want you to return Mary Sue to us. We've been searching for
her for a long time."
(Mary Sue peeks out from behind Elmyra.)
Mary Sue
"No! Never!"
Tseng
"Mary Sue, you're a very special child. You are of special blood."
"Your real mother was an 'Ancient'."
Elmyra
"Of course I heard it. That she was an Ancient."
Tseng
"The Ancients will lead us to a land of supreme happiness."
"Mary Sue will be able to bring happiness to all those in the
slums."
"That is why Shinra would like Mary Sue's cooperation......."
(Mary Sue comes out from behind Elmyra)
Mary Sue
"He's wrong! I'm not an Ancient! I'm not!"
Tseng
"But Mary Sue, surely you hear voices
sometimes when you're all alone?"
Mary Sue
"No, I don't!"
(Mary Sue runs out the front door. The
living room disappears off the top right.)
Elmyra
"But I knew. I knew about her
mysterious powers..."
"She tried so hard to hide it, so I
acted as though I never noticed."
(The living room, seen from the top down, comes back into view from the
top.)
(So, if by some chance you haven't played this game and/or have been confused at Aeris' rename, here's the gist so far: She's a seemingly normal person who's very quickly being thrust into the central plot. Turns out she's an orphan, AND the sole survivor of an ancient race that apparently has special powers. Everyone loves her so far, even Cloud/Squall who was a complete and total douchebag until meeting her made him soften up almost instantly. Even Lockheart, who obviously has some feelings for Squall, seems to trust her even though it's clear there are romantic hints between him and this flower girl. Even Loaf, who has never even met her is going to feel indebted to her, as you'll see in a second. And this is only the beginning!
If you're honestly upset with me calling her a Mary Sue, chances are this LP isn't for you.)
More like pretty fucking impossible. They know where she lives and have for at least a decade. They know her church hangout spot. She would have been caught if Squall hadn’t fallen into her flowers the other day, so are we expected to believe she had just been lucky for all these years?
I have come to the conclusion that Shinra is full of retards. So how did they catch her now? Apparently having Marlene with her slowed her down.
‘So basically it’s Marlene’s fault Mary got caught? That junior bartender is my new hero.’
Loaf explains how that makes it his fault for being Marlene’s father.
No, this screenshot is not edited in any way. A character is actually showing common sense and calling out someone on their massive stupidity. Enjoy it while it lasts, folks.
Because it certainly doesn’t last very long.
‘The fuck? She hasn’t done anything for you. You don’t even know her. Lockheart was the one who told her to take Marlene. Something you shouldn’t even really thank her for either since that essentially means she was asking a girl she barely knew 2 hours to take care of your daughter.’
Nonetheless, the evidence is right here. She did save Marlene, and Marlene is one of the only cool people on this planet if she’s able to hold down a bar on her own at only 5 years of age. So… *sigh* I guess we’ll go save her. We think she was taken to Shinra HQ, but how do we get there!?
Squall is dragged kicking and screaming back to the place where demons and gay group bathing dwell.
What bullshit does the Honey Bee Inn have for us today?
'Yep, Smashin' n' Grindin'. That's where I'm a viking!'
Back up. “Cultured customers”? That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve heard all week. As much as I’d like to be pissed at them for being massive hypocrites, their concern is valid. If I were allowed in there again, some shit would definitely get broken.
Squall is running out of songs he knows the lyrics to.
‘Uhmm..
“Clap on!... Clap off!... Clap on clap off! The Clapper!”
You guys are supposed to clap, c’mon!’
Okay no more messin’ around. Not a lot is happening in Wall Market, right now. People converse about being shocked that the plate fell, but otherwise pretty much the exact same people are there doing the exact same things. Except Don Corneo, who wisely fled the mansion. After finding a wire in a side area, the Mod Squad heads upward.
After ascending the rubble, we arrive…
“What Is Love?” Can be heard in the distance. Club Midgar, we’re here to wreck your shit.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: Security? Who needs security?!
Edit: Oh, by the way, now's a good time to toss out suggestions for naming Red XIII. I probably should have said this a bit sooner. I'll wait a couple days for the next update just in case.
Posts
That is pretty amusing. I think part of the President Shinra conversation is a good example:
ugh
I never asked for this!
As far a simply just losing interest? I've been playing MMO's for 10 years. I'm used to repetitive, tedious tasks.
Aerisith?
Hah. I told her earlier when I was discussing who I'd name after my friends that she could be Yuffie. When she got upset I said she could be Aeris instead. I doubt she'd approve if she knew why I was naming her Aeris this time. I already named her
There should be a small update tomorrow just to bridge the gap between meeting Aeris and getting to Wall Market, since Wall Market is going to need an update all its own. I'm having difficulty writing for what I have shots of so far. It's a fairly boring few minutes of play. So no promises on the hilarity or lack thereof.
You answered your own question.
caffron said: "and cat pee is not a laughing matter"
1. It prevents entrance to the Mines, for whatever reason;
2. Entry to the Mines is possible, but it sequence breaks, resulting in the Turks showing up... although, quite what this would do with regards to the PHS, I have no idea;
3. Entry to the Mines is possible, the Turks don't show up, but neither does Yuffie due to some trigger hidden away in the game code that says something like 'If Kalm-Plot = 0, Yuffie Probability = 0';
4. Entry blah blah blah Turks blah blah blah etc, but Yuffie DOES show up.
Of course, I'm expecting it to be 1 or 2, but I'm still gonna try... which requires huge amounts of overlevelling thanks to Mr. Zolom - I'm just before the Guard Scorpion, and Cloud is already level 12. Besides, if it does turn out to be 4, maybe I can wander around Junon too, see if they had prepared for every possibility.
Why not just, uh, not fight the Zolom?
Because the Chocobo Ranch doesn't open until you do the flashback sequence in Kalm, therefore no Chocobo Lure materia, therefore no way of quickly evading the battle; and given how fast it moves on the map, if you're on foot it's a 99% chance of having to fight... never tried escaping though, but I'm still hours from that bit.
Walk across the marsh some before he hits you. Open menu. Save. Reload game. He won't be near you. If he gets close again, open menu and save. Reload game. Finish your trek across the swamp.
I bet someone will be there to bar your entrance, but I support you.
Nice LP, by the way. Crossing my fingers that it actually gets finished out.
Good, you can be the 'try weird shit' guy of the thread, since it has been so long for me that I just don't remember any tricks nor do I really want to waste my time doing them.
Anyhow
Part 4 - Lost in Translation
Perfect.
Turns out she really meant bodyguard. Squall is a no-nonsense mercenary, charging the young girl who politely asked him to walk her home. I guess he deserves some credit for not being tempted by the womens… Hmmmmmm.
Squall and Mary wisely choose to flee.
How does one catch holy hell, and what are the consequences of doing so…?
I mean. Yes, sure, why not?’
I should have started a counter on “SOLDIER”. I’m sure we’d be up to at least 500 by now.
Rumor has it he’s a kickass bowler, though.
Look at all those trophies! He must be one of those idiot savants. An idiot bowling savant.
…
… ...
After washing the blood and intestines off his sword, Squall arrives at Mary Sue’s house. Flowers only grow in the church, huh? Guess she forgot to check the fucking garden in her own backyard.
Upon entering, we’re greeted by Elmyra, Mary’s mother. She’s obviously upset that her daughter was out so late again, but is relieved when Squall is introduced. It’s about now that it hits me. Mary’s actually a genius. She’s able to bring her clients right to her own home and pass them off as ‘bodyguards’ so not only does her mother approve, she’s thankful.
Even more is revealed in the genius plan. Her mother even invites the strange man to stay the night. It’s called Final Fantasy for a reason, folks.
Okay so Mary Sue convinces me to allow her to… guide me to Sector 7 or something. Whatever, it’s not that far. Squall simply envisions the potential threesome possibilities.
We kick the shit out of some houses on the way. Mary is quite skilled with a rod.
Oh come on, it had to be said.
Hard to catch in a screenshot, but there was a quick flash between that line and the next, almost as if he “forgot” what rank he was and had to be “reminded” like an “idiot”.
Of course it doesn’t. The classic RPG line of plot aversion. There’s absolutely no possible way this person is important to the story whatsoever, right!?
We’re soon distracted by the daily prostitute carriage; however this one is a bit peculiar.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: No one can be… told what Wall Market really is… You have to see it for yourself.
End Notes: I'm not sure how long the next update will take. Screenshots and commentary can't really capture the shame and wonder that is Wall Market, and I'm sure I'll feel compelled to capture everything, but I'll do my best.
Also you used my idea for Lockheart! Wooo
Not as annoying as -words- like this -from- Xenogears, though, but close!
Though I once heard that Turk stood for Tactical Unison Reconnaissance Killers.
And I love the updates for taking Aerith off her saint ladder.
Pokemon Safari - Sneasel, Pawniard, ????
That reminds me... in one of my old saves, I was farming the Gelnika for sources, and I think I came across a gltich in my materia setup. I believe it was using Pre-Emptive materia linked with a mastered Steal, combined with a Mega All, which on occasion resulted in the Slash All animation (Only with Mug, obviously) causing an attack that didn't bring up any damage figures, but killed instantly... and I'm not even talking Death status attacks - I think this had more in common with the glitched damage you can get Barret and Vincent to do with their ultimate weapons...
...Actually, I still have that save. I might try recording a video of it sometime.
Let’s begin.
Good chance he isn’t lying. I’m sure at least one of the girls is named “Destiny.” Anyhow, this is the Honey Bee Inn. It’s a nexus of the universe for everything fucked up.
Squall questions him about Lockheart, and is told she’s in an “interview” right now where afterward she’ll be taken to Don Corneo.
I guess you’d know, wouldn’t you? Alright, go ahead.
SHUT UP, SQUALL. LET HER GO.
Seriously? Did you choose to conveniently forget you were in SOLDIER!! this very second? You eat commotion for breakfast. Jesus, even Mary got leveled up enough to probably take out this entire market. If you knew what the other option was, I think you’d go this route…
Too late. Commotion… Cross dressing… Beating faces in… Cross dressing… TOUGH CHOICE.
After some guilt tripping of the “What, you don’t care about Lockheart?” variety further proving that Mary is a manipulative bitch, Squall finally gives in. Fangirls rejoice. Sane players get their razorblades handy. The Japanese proceed as if everything is normal.
A quick stop to the clothing store informs us that the dress girl’s father, Dress Man, is getting plastered, so we pay him a visit at the bar.
For once, the characters are just as confused at the dialogue as I am. Clothing for Squall is then requested.
Well, we have to wait for the dress to be made. What other mind-bending shit can we find in this hellhole? Wait, there’s one thing I have to do first…
*clears throat*
AND I~~~~Eiiiiii WILL ALLLWAYS… LOOOOVE YOUUUUUUOoooo’
This fat guy hands me his membership card to the Honey Bee Inn.
Truest thing I’ve heard all week, lady.
Squall decides not to let his membership go to waste. If you’re going to perv it up, may as well go whole hog and be a voyeur, too!
This is all you see, plus an intermittent flash of light. (I've learned now that you can move the camera and actually see things, how about that.) The script for what he hears is as follows:
When LARP sessions go too far…
The sad part is that’s probably the least disturbing thing in this whole place.
Peepy peepy.
Same sort of keyhole before, but a… much different result dialogue wise…
…*shudder* Moving on.
You’re given the choice between two rooms.
I chose the group room because I couldn’t quite remember what happened in there. I’m now regretting it. I really don’t know how to comment on it very much, so I’ll let the dialogue and screenshots mostly speak for themselves:
Meanwhile, Squall prays for a comet to hit the Earth.
WHAT
IS WRONG
WITH
THIS PLANET
???!!!???
?!
This never happened.
So, there are a bunch of mini-quests in Wall Market to pretty Squall up real good. That scene was one of them, giving you the bikini briefs. Not… quite sure why that helps, since he’s going to be wearing a dress. Just how far does he plan to go with the Don, anyhow…?
In the top room of the Honey Bee Inn, there’s a place where you can get some makeup applied…
This guy had a dilemma where he was kicked out of the (normal) inn for getting in a fight with the manager, but he’s dying to know what’s being sold in the vending machine there. He also makes a comment about how he can’t ask a girl to do it, either, giving you the impression that it is something naugh-taaay.
It ends up being a protein drink set. So in return he gives you a… diamond tiara. SENSE THIS MAKES NOT.
The guy is like Superman… just only if Superman had no strength or heat vision and was limited to just Super Tailoring. Anyways, the dress is done already, uh, yay I guess.
I guess this is logical. Squall does look like he slept next to a very lick-happy Moose aka Loaf.
These girly wrestler dudes challenge you to a squat-off for the wig. They were unaware that Squall was the 2005 Squatting World Champion, so they got royally owned and I got the good wig.
This woman was vomiting for a while. I was able to get her out by giving her a digestive that I got from a pharmacy coupon… that I got from the diner. In other words, the diner expected me to toss chunks after their shit on a plate. She gives me the cologne; I guess fully expecting I’ll be in there next.
With this, I think I got all the best key items for this “event” save the lingerie. You get that by choosing the other room back in the Honey Bee Inn.
Time to put it all together…
This is probably the one time where you can be thankful for the Legoesque character models. Squall doesn’t really look much different other than some pigtails and a dress. If this game ever gets remade, I fear for everyone’s sanity at this point in the game.
Dress Man thinks this could be a new business for him. Being a whore of multiple variety, Mary doesn’t like Squall getting ALL the attention, so she picks out a new dress for herself and comes out looking like a total skankoid. Guess she’s used to it though.
Time to brave the waters…
So we find her in this dungeon that has a total Hostel vibe going on. Mary Sue and Lockheart talk a bit about Squall and proceed to reassure each other multiple times that neither of them are romantically involved with him with lines like “we’re just childhood friends, nothing more” thereby crushing whatever dignity he had left. Honestly after this point in the game, he stops acting like a total jackass, so I’m convinced this event destroyed his manhood.
So she wasn’t whoring herself out because of crushing sadness, just to get information. Well, that’s much nobler, right? Unfortunately it was also idiotic, because the Don is now looking for a full-time wife. Lockheart was in a bit of a pickle because if she wasn’t chosen, she’d never get the information.
They come up with the plan that if all 3 of them are in the lineup, then whoever he chooses, they’ll get the information no matter what. Of course, this means Squall is also ‘one of the girls’. Mary and Lockheart head upstairs as they’re called while Squall downs the bottle in the side of the room praying it’s arsenic. Sadly, it’s just Ether.
If there’s ever a posterboy for androgynous JRPG hero, it’s Squall. Placed between Lockheart and Mary Sue, he is STILL chosen by the fat man dressed like a porno director.
Okay, I’ve had enough of this.
Mary Sue and Lockheart soon barge in having taken out the lackeys they were left with on their own. I guess I should point out now that if Squall isn’t chosen, he gets left with the lackeys, eventually revealing himself to be a man and kicking the shit out of them. By the time you get out of the room, you’ve essentially murdered everyone in the mansion. You can only assume that Lockheart and Mary have to do the same.
In other words, the commotion you were hoping to avoid by dressing up as a woman HAPPENS ANYWAY.
THIS WHOLE PART OF THE GAME WAS POINTLESS!
Okay, so, they begin to try to get information out of Don Cornholio finally by threatening to do painful things to his balls. No, this isn’t a joke.
By who, they ask, before more testicle mutilation is offered.
I’m not sure he (or Shinra) understands the definition of “infiltrate.”
Basically, Shinra hired Don to find out information on AVALANCHE. He managed to figure out they were located in sector 7. Shinra’s reaction is to bomb the support and crush the whole slum sector with the plate above. Actually pretty sadistic. The group realizes the urgency and begins to head back, but Don figures he needs to get the last laugh.
In a Looney Tunes fashion, a lever is pulled, and a trap door opens up; they levitate in midair for a moment, before plunging down.
Meanwhile, in Club Midgar’s VIP lounge…
Apparently having “morals” and “ethics” are personal problems these days. Get with the times, Reeve!
President Costanza: ‘I have a membership card here for the Honey Bee Inn. I hear good things about the “Group Room.”’
President Costanza: ‘I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!’
Our heroes end up in the sewer. Sadly, still a step up from Wall Market.
Continuing our string of retarded bosses, this is Aps. This one casts a tidal wave that hits the whole party… but also himself. It does a lot more damage to him than to you. Since I had overleveled a bit by this point, I think I might have been able to win the battle by literally doing nothing. Either way, I kick his ass and there ends the Wall Market chapter.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII… Christmas comes early for Squall!
I had no idea the game was this fucked up. Also, the translation is TERRIBLE. TERRIBLE! How could it possibly be that bad? FFVI's translation wasn't this bad....But this? Grammar errors left and right; text that doesn't make any sense, etc....
I read the plot summary on Wikipedia last night and got thoroughly confused...
3DS Friend Code: 0404-6826-4588 PM if you add.
Actually, while i dont remember how as it was a LONG time ago, when I first played the game I managed to dodge it without leet hax. I didnt know you could chocobo by so I just got at a perfect corner and deeked the motherfucker out.
I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I want to say barret showd up (he wasn't in my party) at the entrance to the mines and just handed me the PHS and that was that. I continue'd thru the rest of the game without noticing any differences.
Granted this was pretty much 10 years ago, so I could be full of shit and not realize it.
Pokemon Safari - Sneasel, Pawniard, ????
If that's the case, that would definitely be number 2, in which case I'd just be sequence breaking somewhat... although, it makes you wonder what happens if you then go back to Kalm... probably nothing.
As for the latest update, couldn't agree more about it NOT BEING THE ONLY WAY. Seriously, he has a sword bigger than he is - he could just stab everyone who gets in the way... and that's before you consider the materia. Speaking of which, I've always wondered why, instead of answering 1, 2, or 3 to Corneo's question, they don't just answer, "Fire 2!" and laugh as he runs around on fire.
Even better if they were able to target the magic at his crotch. "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!"
Keep 'em coming!
Think I'll fire this up on a pc emulator instead.
---
I've got a spare copy of Portal, if anyone wants it message me.
Calling people "Clock" , "Tampon" , and "Pen" tend to create much better dialogue.
The jokes write themselves.
3DSFF: 5026-4429-6577
Also, the George bits make me laugh quite more than they should.
Immense writers block was had on this one. Oh well. Anyways,
Part 6 - The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Battle atop Phallic Pillar. Heyyy something large and obese seems to be falling.
Uh oh, it’s uh… this loser. He fell a pretty long way, so the fact that he’s still talking is pretty impressive. I guess it’s that extra padding.
…EVERYONE STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.’
This is going to be serious business, so we don’t want Mary messing up our shit. Lockheart requests she go take Marlene somewhere safe. I remind her that, while probably quite cavernous, her vagina doesn’t count.
Wait a sec, if you and Tubbo are at Death’s Door… this must also mean…
Cue “Ode to Joy”…
God, where’s the third “Shut up and die” option?
Squall heads on, whilst whistling a happy tune.
Atop the pillar, Loaf is putting up a fight. Mary’s pimp shows up to arm the bomb proving he doesn’t mess around when it comes to people stealing his girls.
So, he has this attack that puts some yellow triangle over one of my party members. He proceeds to taunt us about it, too.
I can. This gives me the excuse to attack my own party members, but since Mary isn’t here, it’s not really all that satisfying. One attack breaks it. He’s pretty much a pussy otherwise and I beat the crap out of him with just physical attacks.
Exit stage left for Reno. Suddenly, Pimp Patriarch Tseng arrives
Ohhh Iceburn. Hey… who’s that with him?
It’s Mary Sue! Halloween and New Years have joined in the Holiday Orgy! This is almost enough to make Squall forget about having lost his balls just a couple hours ago.
Pimpslap! (He really does this. It’s awesome.)
Man, I’m starting to like this guy.
As he makes his dramatic exit, things go boom.
Word, yo.
Sector 7 Resident: 'The sky is falling!'
Sector 7 Resident 2: 'Christ, Chicken Little, would you shut the-... Oh god damn it..."
President Costanza: ‘Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system!’
Loaf is pacified a bit, however…
They were in the pillar. It exploded. It exploded in a glorious ball of fire. They were set aflame and then buried in rubble. They are dead. Deady dead dead.
…
…Dead.’
Squall considers this a satisfying end to the day, so he heads off.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is awesome.
Fine fine, I guess I am curious about something.
Oh pancakes, this is going to be a long story isn’t it…
(So, if by some chance you haven't played this game and/or have been confused at Aeris' rename, here's the gist so far: She's a seemingly normal person who's very quickly being thrust into the central plot. Turns out she's an orphan, AND the sole survivor of an ancient race that apparently has special powers. Everyone loves her so far, even Cloud/Squall who was a complete and total douchebag until meeting her made him soften up almost instantly. Even Lockheart, who obviously has some feelings for Squall, seems to trust her even though it's clear there are romantic hints between him and this flower girl. Even Loaf, who has never even met her is going to feel indebted to her, as you'll see in a second. And this is only the beginning!
If you're honestly upset with me calling her a Mary Sue, chances are this LP isn't for you.)
More like pretty fucking impossible. They know where she lives and have for at least a decade. They know her church hangout spot. She would have been caught if Squall hadn’t fallen into her flowers the other day, so are we expected to believe she had just been lucky for all these years?
I have come to the conclusion that Shinra is full of retards. So how did they catch her now? Apparently having Marlene with her slowed her down.
Loaf explains how that makes it his fault for being Marlene’s father.
No, this screenshot is not edited in any way. A character is actually showing common sense and calling out someone on their massive stupidity. Enjoy it while it lasts, folks.
Because it certainly doesn’t last very long.
Nonetheless, the evidence is right here. She did save Marlene, and Marlene is one of the only cool people on this planet if she’s able to hold down a bar on her own at only 5 years of age. So… *sigh* I guess we’ll go save her. We think she was taken to Shinra HQ, but how do we get there!?
Squall is dragged kicking and screaming back to the place where demons and gay group bathing dwell.
What bullshit does the Honey Bee Inn have for us today?
Back up. “Cultured customers”? That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve heard all week. As much as I’d like to be pissed at them for being massive hypocrites, their concern is valid. If I were allowed in there again, some shit would definitely get broken.
Squall is running out of songs he knows the lyrics to.
“Clap on!... Clap off!... Clap on clap off! The Clapper!”
You guys are supposed to clap, c’mon!’
Okay no more messin’ around. Not a lot is happening in Wall Market, right now. People converse about being shocked that the plate fell, but otherwise pretty much the exact same people are there doing the exact same things. Except Don Corneo, who wisely fled the mansion. After finding a wire in a side area, the Mod Squad heads upward.
After ascending the rubble, we arrive…
“What Is Love?” Can be heard in the distance. Club Midgar, we’re here to wreck your shit.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: Security? Who needs security?!
Edit: Oh, by the way, now's a good time to toss out suggestions for naming Red XIII. I probably should have said this a bit sooner. I'll wait a couple days for the next update just in case.