Need help w/dating profile

kaliyama

I hope the tuftoo people don't read this, or it'll be embarassing...anyway. Dusting the dirt off from my last relationship, i'm ready to start working up to putting my toe back into the gene pool. Would people mind giving me feedback on this?

Thanks...

TychoCelchuuu

It's making me log in to look at it but from the URL your profile name is "feet shuffler" which seems like it has negative connotations to me. Maybe women like that though.

kaliyama

Wups! Fix'd. Thanks Tycho.

Casual

For a start I would have a Photo that's just you. I realise in this case there wont be any doubt as to which person is you but on the other hand a dating site profile is by definition just you screaming ME ME ME so taking the lime light off your self is counter productive. Plus when I look at a girls photo on a dating site if she is wrapped around another guy it just puts me off for a start, I don't know if this would be a factor for women looking at your profile but why take the risk?

onceling

I'm a couple of years older than you but here's what your profile says to me:

1. If we started dating you'll probably move away or constantly be thinking/talking about moving away preventing us having any long-term potential.

2. You drink a LOT more than I would be comfortable with.

3. You are more likely to spend time talking about politics or economics than the interesting experiences you've had (begging the question of whether there are any).

4. You have no time to date and are about to become even less able to give any time or attention to a relationship.

5. I hate procrastinators.

Now this might be fine for a lot of women, but there's my impressions. Also, yeah, the picture needs to be just you. My first question would be "who the hell is she" instead of "hey he looks well presented".

Erios

You're smart, that much is clear. After all, you are going to lawl school (made me chuckle at least). So you should be able to internalize this quickly:

-SELL YOURSELF.

Now that I'm done with the title portion of this message, allow me to elaborate. Often times in your profile you use a negative or a pejorative. You might still get attention in spite of it, but make no mistake, you are subtly driving others away with out you or them realizing it. Considering this is a superficial experience, in that you can't get a very deep impression or develop a strong intimacy bond, appeal to base psychology. Women, evolutionarily speaking, want an attractive man that can provide and that will be a strong helper in their life. Be a strong, positive "nice" guy then. It may sound manipulative, but Positive counts. I like that you're honest about what you like, that's good as it will attract people of similar interests. If you want a smart girl, realize that she's smart and will probably see proper spelling, capitalization and punctuation as an indicator that you are too.

Also, more idiosyncracies, little things. In my profile, I list my undying love for pesto sauce. This has generated a virtual snowstorm of messages for some reason and has gotten me more than one first date.

Returning to base psychology for a second, realize many people on the site are what we would colloquially call "damaged goods." I mean that many have been hurt by relationships in the past, or are frustrated with their prospects, both of these patterns of behavior indicate a desire to shift away from the norm of their past experiences. A depressive partner kills many relationships, so any indication that you are not well adjusted or that you are down on yourself will not go over well.

For any inspiration, feel free to use my profile-Erios23, it seems to work well.

kaliyama

I tinkered with it a little bit to reflect suggestions. Thanks - i'm trying to manage a line between a lengthly, sell yourself profile that might be too "earnest", versus one that seems slapdash or reflects poorly on me. Great advice so far, everyone. Thanks

kaliyama

onceling wrote: »

I'm a couple of years older than you but here's what your profile says to me:

1. If we started dating you'll probably move away or constantly be thinking/talking about moving away preventing us having any long-term potential.

2. You drink a LOT more than I would be comfortable with.

3. You are more likely to spend time talking about politics or economics than the interesting experiences you've had (begging the question of whether there are any).

4. You have no time to date and are about to become even less able to give any time or attention to a relationship.

5. I hate procrastinators.

Now this might be fine for a lot of women, but there's my impressions. Also, yeah, the picture needs to be just you. My first question would be "who the hell is she" instead of "hey he looks well presented".

You're probably spot on about 1,2 and 4. I think i'm looking for an ambitious workaholic policy wonk. As for 3, though, I don't like bragging about travel, etc. because I feel like it's classist and I wanted to save something for being in person. I've been to about 20 different countries tho and done cool things like negotiate a treaty. Since your advice has been so perceptive so far, how do you think I can convey those things without seeming like a jerk?

Erios

Yeah, I'd agree with three. Wanting to talk more about policy and economics is preferable to me rather than the overemphasized "travel experience." Of course, Kali's not trying to date me.

edit: I hope.

BEAST!

I'm running back to the tf2 thread right now to spread the news that you're a loser!!!!

I would tend to agree with onceling that you might be putting a bit too much emphasis on politics and economics though...sadly i don't have much more advice than that, as i myself cannot create a good dating profile

Dog

There's nothing wrong with a healthy dose of economics to get you through the day, but I think you will need to find someone who shares the same outlook on that sort of thing, which is a rarity on okcupid. Trust me I know.

Cryogen

Well i'm going to go mostly against the grain here, and say i really like your profile. To me, its funny, it shows your intelligence and it shows your ambition and passion. Personally i wouldnt change any of the written portion. Yeah, you might turn off some people who are intimidated by what you say... but do you want to date a person like that anyway? (if the answer to that is 'yes' or 'maybe!' then you might need to soften it up though :P )

Although i totally agree with Casual and onceling, the pictures need to be of just you, or at most you + guy friend(s). On a dating site, as onceling suggests, the first thing a lot of people will think is who the girl is.

kaliyama

I'll just tell them the girls are my wives. I agree totally with the picture comments - i'm just struggling to find as good a picture of me, since i almost never take pictures by myself. What do I do with a 'woo' from somebody?

edit: also, i have more straight men looking at my profile than women...is this all PAers?

Casual

kaliyama wrote: »

I'll just tell them the girls are my wives. I agree totally with the picture comments - i'm just struggling to find as good a picture of me, since i almost never take pictures by myself. What do I do with a 'woo' from somebody?

edit: also, i have more straight men looking at my profile than women...is this all PAers?

You could just use the same pic but cut the girl out? It would take 30 seconds in MS paint and the idea of a profile pic is that's its really just supposed to be your head and shoulders.

A woo just means the girl likes you but cant be bothered writing you a message, she wants you to do it. It's up to you if you can be bothered accommodating her laziness.

TychoCelchuuu

kaliyama wrote: »

edit: also, i have more straight men looking at my profile than women...is this all PAers?

:winky:

BetelguesePDX

2) Whatever portable music player currently advertises my socioeconomic status to those around me

Sounds a bit superficial/snooty. I would change it.

Lawl school was cute.

Emanon

You gotta cut out the photos of you with those girls otherwise chicks will think you're a player.

Other than that, you're in LA so there should be plenty of fish there.

noir_blood

This is a guy speaking, so who knows if my opinion is even helpful, but you come across sort of 'meh' in your profile. And the first picture doesn't help. The way you're leaning makes you look like well, a nerd.

I actually thought your last picture(the one about the two pair of glasses you have) is much better.

PeregrineFalcon

kaliyama wrote: »

edit: also, i have more straight men looking at my profile than women...is this all PAers?

Hudda hudda hudda?

mightyspacepope

I hope I don't come off as a douche, but your overall profile comes off as elitist and pretentious to me. I'm not saying you are, but that's the message you're sending.

Example:

How a society functions without a productive class - in the sense that there are people who used to actually make things, and this group of people who used to comprise the middle class are slowly withering away, leaving an underclass of service employees like call center lackeys and temp slaves denied the union-quality manufacturing jobs we used to have, and a globalized upper-middle-class who are being worked to death by their shareholder bosses lest they be outsourced, too. It has already had dire economic effects, and I think it's going to have lousy social and cultural effects soon, too - literacy and reading rates will only decline, while obesity rates are going to rise.

If I was a chick, and I read this, I'd immediately drop all interest. You're trying to come off as smart or socially conscious and it just ends up being "I'm smarter than 95% of people out there, probably including you."

Kyougu

mightyspacepope wrote: »

I hope I don't come off as a douche, but your overall profile comes off as elitist and pretentious to me. I'm not saying you are, but that's the message you're sending.

Example:

How a society functions without a productive class - in the sense that there are people who used to actually make things, and this group of people who used to comprise the middle class are slowly withering away, leaving an underclass of service employees like call center lackeys and temp slaves denied the union-quality manufacturing jobs we used to have, and a globalized upper-middle-class who are being worked to death by their shareholder bosses lest they be outsourced, too. It has already had dire economic effects, and I think it's going to have lousy social and cultural effects soon, too - literacy and reading rates will only decline, while obesity rates are going to rise.

If I was a chick, and I read this, I'd immediately drop all interest. You're trying to come off as smart or socially conscious and it just ends up being "I'm smarter than 95% of people out there, probably including you."

I have to agree with this. You're intelligent and that really comes off in the profile, so good for you, but at the same time it also comes out a bit more pretentious that you would probably like.

kaliyama

mightyspacepope wrote: »

I hope I don't come off as a douche, but your overall profile comes off as elitist and pretentious to me. I'm not saying you are, but that's the message you're sending.

Example:

How a society functions without a productive class - in the sense that there are people who used to actually make things, and this group of people who used to comprise the middle class are slowly withering away, leaving an underclass of service employees like call center lackeys and temp slaves denied the union-quality manufacturing jobs we used to have, and a globalized upper-middle-class who are being worked to death by their shareholder bosses lest they be outsourced, too. It has already had dire economic effects, and I think it's going to have lousy social and cultural effects soon, too - literacy and reading rates will only decline, while obesity rates are going to rise.

If I was a chick, and I read this, I'd immediately drop all interest. You're trying to come off as smart or socially conscious and it just ends up being "I'm smarter than 95% of people out there, probably including you."

Hahah! It was an honest answer, to be honest. I am elitist, and a little bit pretentious. It's debatable whether this is a problem, and if it is whether the long-term solution is to stop being those things. You're 100% right that I could write something else and get more responses. However, I might as well use the profile to filter people out that I wouldn't work with if i'm going to write it. I think I should change things that are perjorative, like ' lackeys' and 'underclass.'

PeregrineFalcon

kaliyama wrote: »

Hahah! It was an honest answer, to be honest. I am elitist, and a little bit pretentious. It's debatable whether this is a problem, and if it is whether the long-term solution is to stop being those things. You're 100% right that I could write something else and get more responses. However, I might as well use the profile to filter people out that I wouldn't work with if i'm going to write it.

Then I hope you brought a lawn chair and popcorn, because you're more than likely going to be waiting for a long time for any bites on that line.

I'm not saying you should compromise or lower your standards or whatever, but just know that there's a difference between "intelligent, educated, and witty" and "pretentious douche." And to be a douche myself, you're falling into the latter category.

kaliyama

PeregrineFalcon wrote: »

kaliyama wrote: »

Hahah! It was an honest answer, to be honest. I am elitist, and a little bit pretentious. It's debatable whether this is a problem, and if it is whether the long-term solution is to stop being those things. You're 100% right that I could write something else and get more responses. However, I might as well use the profile to filter people out that I wouldn't work with if i'm going to write it.

Then I hope you brought a lawn chair and popcorn, because you're more than likely going to be waiting for a long time for any bites on that line.

I'm not saying you should compromise or lower your standards or whatever, but just know that there's a difference between "intelligent, educated, and witty" and "pretentious douche." And to be a douche myself, you're falling into the latter category.

Sorry, I did a ninja edit there that makes me a little less truculent. If i'm going to be a pretentious douche, people might as well know about it - I think it's a fine line between honesty and salesmanship, so I appreciate the comments, but I haven't entirely made up my mind about it. I have gotten like 8 msgs already. I don't think that responds to your point, I think it suggests people skim text and look at pictures.

Forar

That's one thing I'm liking about OKCupid over Plenty of Fish. I think I've received more 'first contact' emails in less than a week on OKC than I did at PoF in a year, and the average person seems to have significantly more to their profile, which makes starting and maintaining a conversation a lot easier.

onceling

Huge improvement in the text already! (HUGE! IMO anyway).

So as for this paragraph we are discussing here (about what you spend time thinking about). Is there any way you can say the same thing but spin it differently? Like for example - do you plan to DO something about this problem you think about in your life plan/work? Can you make a suggestion about a possible solution that you would get involved in/support or something? I think the reason it bothers me is that I hate people constantly whining about shit that they don't have a solution for. Maybe if you are keen on keeping the paragraph, can you maybe tell us about how you support such - and - such that can bring about reform.

Kyougu

It's amazing how a few edits in those first paragraphs completely change your profile. You come off way more interesting and likeable now.

mightyspacepope

kaliyama wrote: »

Hahah! It was an honest answer, to be honest. I am elitist, and a little bit pretentious. It's debatable whether this is a problem, and if it is whether the long-term solution is to stop being those things.

It's a problem. Smart people are going to look at your profile and think, "Hey, what a pretentious douche. Next."

Honestly, is that what you spend most of your time thinking about? It seems more like you're going for "Hey, this is something that no one else would put down and makes me look smart" rather than something you actually spend most of your time thinking about. As soon as I read that, I thought to myself, "I would not want to have a conversation with this guy if this is what he's going to be talking about."

Your first few answers are really good, but then I think you fall off the wagon at the end.

This makes me really keen on things that let us avoid those traps

Your addition to this answer makes it a bit more palatable, but you start it off with more of "Here's more of why I'm so smart."

noir_blood

Can people see other people that have viewed the same profile as you? Cause man, I think if I was a chick and came across a profile taht had been looked at by a bunch of (supposedly) straight guys, I would steer away.

Erios

kaliyama wrote: »

edit: also, i have more straight men looking at my profile than women...is this all PAers?

To quote Ice-T, "they're on the down low!"

EDIT: no noir, they can not.

kaliyama

Some of them looked like they may have been, Erios... Anyway, six message exchanges and counting - i haven't even had to msg anybody myself yet! Thanks for your help, y'all.

Erios

kaliyama wrote: »

Some of them looked like they may have been, Erios... Anyway, six message exchanges and counting - i haven't even had to msg anybody myself yet! Thanks for your help, y'all.

Noiiiice. Yeah, it's sad, but most of my messages involve the following three things:
1) my love of pesto sauce
2) a reference to my school and being impressed
3) that I'm cute.

Mostly three.