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College Situational Depression
HiImAnAlt01
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Yeah, it's another one of these threads. :-/
First off, some background: I'm a senior in college at a large state university right now (40k students) and in a nutshell, I'm very unhappy with who I am and my social situation. I have a choice of either graduating this coming Fall with a BA, or staying another semester to get a double major. Back in high school, I was already dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression, and I hoped when I got into college and discovered more opportunities and had a better chance of figuring out who I am they'd go away. I graduated in '06, had initally applied to this school, but was turned down for the honors program I wanted so I stayed home and attended a 4 year university that happened to be in the same suburb I was, so I did a year of pre-reqs there.
I did end up transferring here, and roomed for my first year with my best friend from high school, who this year is now living with a bunch of his friends from a school organization in a house on campus, and I'm living in a new dorm in a single room. The people on my floor are in large part seniors who have been together all of their time here, and the community is about as closely knit as I'd suspect you'd find in a dorm. The few new people besides me were girls who quickly got brought into the fold; and it looks to me like I wasn't social enough in that window of opportunity where people try to make friends at the beginning of a school year, so I'm kind of on my own here. Basically, I'm just lonely. But this is such a long-term issue I understand that the only constant variable in all of this is me, so I need to change some things.
I thought transferring from my first school to here would help a lot since this school is s much bigger - 5k people to 40k people. I didn't quite think my cunning plan through, though, and didn't realize that what I wanted was people per capita. On that note, about half of the students here live off campus, and the other half are spread across a dozen dorms covering about 6 square miles of campus. Considering the size of campus, you'll never meet anyone outside at some random function, and it makes getting anywhere, or to your car to get off campus, a bitch to do.
The only people I still talk to from high school are the aforementioned best friend, who I do see every once in awhile at parties he throws at his house, but it's about a 30 minute walk and nothing like it used to be with just hanging out, and another friend from high school, with the whole mutual-interest-failed-romance thing and her own host of psychological problems.
Currently, I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork and the internship I have through my school here - I haven't done any work for the latter of those in about two months. I talked to my advisor about quitting it but (and she was the one who initally reccommended me for it) got the "career suicide" speech, and she's right. This is another story; but the lack of direction involved in that just kind of paralyzes me when I go to work on it. I feel like if I wasn't so lonely and upset with personal issues I'd be able to focus more on it, which is why I'm writing this. I'm not a danger to myself, but I'm just not going in a direction that I want to. I'm beginning to get back into working out with my old roomie, and I know exercise is good in itself, and makes you happy, but I don't think even if I start drinking powerthirst and get totally ripped !11!1!! like all the guys in Tube's Threat for Faggots that I'm going to be magically okay.
I've done cognitive therapy at two seperate times, 10-ish sessions at an hour long each time, once as a senior in high school and once the summer between local school and state school, but it hasn't really helped. Part of it is my overstating any gains I got trying to both please them and convince myself I was doing better, and part of it was the security that being home and around familiar people brings. Both times (different docs) ended up a shotgun of diagnoses in the same general area on the spectrum - dysthymia, atypical depression, anxiety disorders, ect. Some of it was attributed to situational depression - just not being around people or involved in activities to make me happy. What I feel isn't crippling enough to put me on my ass, but it's not going away either.
The second portion of each of these visits was the idea of using medication in addition to just therapy. My first doc ended therapy without a script; the second one wrote me a script for Lexapro which I didn't end up getting filled. One part of not doing that was I was still in the process of transitioning to state school, and with the change in environment, I didn't want to not know if I was feeling better because I was actually happy, or if it was the meds. In either case, they were just supposed to be a stopgap measure until I could develop a situation I was happy with.
I have a family history with anxiety issues, and we've talked about it, and the general consensus from them was "don't do it unless you need it, because the side effects are terrible." My brother is off meds now but was on lexapro for a year or so which made for those fun "brain zaps" lexapro patients report. He's since gone off of it, but he claims the meds have altered him permenantly; memories are a bit hazy and the like.
If I decide to medicate myself into happyness, the Wellbutrin route would seem to be a no go because of family histories of epilepsy and Wellbutrin's knack for inducing seizures in patients, and I'm also concerned about not being able to use alcohol while on it. The other route is the other collection of SSRI's, but the well-known side effects of those really bother me. At 20 years old, sexual dysfunction isn't something that I'd prefer to be fucking around with, and I've done the homework and I know you can switch from one cocktail to another and it all eventually works out. It's kind of a moot point, anyways, considering I don't really have any relationships in that department, but it's not something I want to worry about once I do end up finding someone.
On a more philosophical approach, I just don't want to go that route on principle. I understand that for some people it "really does help", but I still believe there has to be some other way to get where I want to be besides drugging myself into complacency. Where can I go from here? Maybe meds are an option I should pursue? I'm involved in school organizations and all that other cliched shit that people are told to particpate in to meet people, but really, I'm doubting that anybody really seriously meets anybody through organzations. I don't need a Friday night kegger at the Crew team house, I need people and things with substance to them.
So: fire away. Really, anything, personal experiences with dealing with this shit, pro / con on the meds and whether the helped you or a friend, whatever. What do I do?
Tl;Dr - OP is at college, lonely, unhappy. He typed a long post, hopes he isn't too bitter, and wants you to acknowledge that depressed people are inherently unlikely since they're so, well, depressing.
First off, some background: I'm a senior in college at a large state university right now (40k students) and in a nutshell, I'm very unhappy with who I am and my social situation. I have a choice of either graduating this coming Fall with a BA, or staying another semester to get a double major. Back in high school, I was already dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression, and I hoped when I got into college and discovered more opportunities and had a better chance of figuring out who I am they'd go away. I graduated in '06, had initally applied to this school, but was turned down for the honors program I wanted so I stayed home and attended a 4 year university that happened to be in the same suburb I was, so I did a year of pre-reqs there.
I did end up transferring here, and roomed for my first year with my best friend from high school, who this year is now living with a bunch of his friends from a school organization in a house on campus, and I'm living in a new dorm in a single room. The people on my floor are in large part seniors who have been together all of their time here, and the community is about as closely knit as I'd suspect you'd find in a dorm. The few new people besides me were girls who quickly got brought into the fold; and it looks to me like I wasn't social enough in that window of opportunity where people try to make friends at the beginning of a school year, so I'm kind of on my own here. Basically, I'm just lonely. But this is such a long-term issue I understand that the only constant variable in all of this is me, so I need to change some things.
I thought transferring from my first school to here would help a lot since this school is s much bigger - 5k people to 40k people. I didn't quite think my cunning plan through, though, and didn't realize that what I wanted was people per capita. On that note, about half of the students here live off campus, and the other half are spread across a dozen dorms covering about 6 square miles of campus. Considering the size of campus, you'll never meet anyone outside at some random function, and it makes getting anywhere, or to your car to get off campus, a bitch to do.
The only people I still talk to from high school are the aforementioned best friend, who I do see every once in awhile at parties he throws at his house, but it's about a 30 minute walk and nothing like it used to be with just hanging out, and another friend from high school, with the whole mutual-interest-failed-romance thing and her own host of psychological problems.
Currently, I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork and the internship I have through my school here - I haven't done any work for the latter of those in about two months. I talked to my advisor about quitting it but (and she was the one who initally reccommended me for it) got the "career suicide" speech, and she's right. This is another story; but the lack of direction involved in that just kind of paralyzes me when I go to work on it. I feel like if I wasn't so lonely and upset with personal issues I'd be able to focus more on it, which is why I'm writing this. I'm not a danger to myself, but I'm just not going in a direction that I want to. I'm beginning to get back into working out with my old roomie, and I know exercise is good in itself, and makes you happy, but I don't think even if I start drinking powerthirst and get totally ripped !11!1!! like all the guys in Tube's Threat for Faggots that I'm going to be magically okay.
I've done cognitive therapy at two seperate times, 10-ish sessions at an hour long each time, once as a senior in high school and once the summer between local school and state school, but it hasn't really helped. Part of it is my overstating any gains I got trying to both please them and convince myself I was doing better, and part of it was the security that being home and around familiar people brings. Both times (different docs) ended up a shotgun of diagnoses in the same general area on the spectrum - dysthymia, atypical depression, anxiety disorders, ect. Some of it was attributed to situational depression - just not being around people or involved in activities to make me happy. What I feel isn't crippling enough to put me on my ass, but it's not going away either.
The second portion of each of these visits was the idea of using medication in addition to just therapy. My first doc ended therapy without a script; the second one wrote me a script for Lexapro which I didn't end up getting filled. One part of not doing that was I was still in the process of transitioning to state school, and with the change in environment, I didn't want to not know if I was feeling better because I was actually happy, or if it was the meds. In either case, they were just supposed to be a stopgap measure until I could develop a situation I was happy with.
I have a family history with anxiety issues, and we've talked about it, and the general consensus from them was "don't do it unless you need it, because the side effects are terrible." My brother is off meds now but was on lexapro for a year or so which made for those fun "brain zaps" lexapro patients report. He's since gone off of it, but he claims the meds have altered him permenantly; memories are a bit hazy and the like.
If I decide to medicate myself into happyness, the Wellbutrin route would seem to be a no go because of family histories of epilepsy and Wellbutrin's knack for inducing seizures in patients, and I'm also concerned about not being able to use alcohol while on it. The other route is the other collection of SSRI's, but the well-known side effects of those really bother me. At 20 years old, sexual dysfunction isn't something that I'd prefer to be fucking around with, and I've done the homework and I know you can switch from one cocktail to another and it all eventually works out. It's kind of a moot point, anyways, considering I don't really have any relationships in that department, but it's not something I want to worry about once I do end up finding someone.
On a more philosophical approach, I just don't want to go that route on principle. I understand that for some people it "really does help", but I still believe there has to be some other way to get where I want to be besides drugging myself into complacency. Where can I go from here? Maybe meds are an option I should pursue? I'm involved in school organizations and all that other cliched shit that people are told to particpate in to meet people, but really, I'm doubting that anybody really seriously meets anybody through organzations. I don't need a Friday night kegger at the Crew team house, I need people and things with substance to them.
So: fire away. Really, anything, personal experiences with dealing with this shit, pro / con on the meds and whether the helped you or a friend, whatever. What do I do?
Tl;Dr - OP is at college, lonely, unhappy. He typed a long post, hopes he isn't too bitter, and wants you to acknowledge that depressed people are inherently unlikely since they're so, well, depressing.
HiImAnAlt01 on
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After a few unsuccessful tries with some therapists, I finally found one at age 14 that treated me as a mature teenager (as opposed to others who tried to play games and treat me as they would anyone under 18--as a 6 year old). Therapy with this man made a whole lot of difference. For the first while, I was honest, but then, like you, after about 6 months I began to lie a bit and overstate my social gains. Eventually, though, I began to lie a bit less and actually be more socially active.
That said, I'm not sure what exactly helped me, but just having someone to talk to about how you feel, who you think you are, and what you want to change about your life (not yourself and your personality, but likely your social situation) was a big help. If you can find someone, hopefully a professional, that you trust and open up to them, it is a big help. They don't even have to say much, just ask a few good questions, and you might start to see yourself in a different way. And don't expect to have some epiphany--I actually did, at age 17 or so, but it was of dubious value, since by then I already had a few good friends and was in a better place.
What I'm saying is that if you aren't going on medication (which I am neutral on, it seems to help some people) that you definitely should try to have some form of therapy (some universities have it for free, at least for a few sessions). Beyond that though, don't give up on meeting new people, in your dorm or wherever. Those girls were let in to the community on your dorm, but don't trick yourself into thinking you missed some magical window. I find that upperclassmen in my college are still receptive to new people and friends (even freshmen such as myself, and I'm nowhere near a social butterfly). If you give up, you won't meet any new people.
And even though you said that meeting new people through organizations is not working yet, keep trying. I just went to a meeting for a school paper/magazine, and just showing up to a general interest meeting netted me 4 or 5 new acquaintances, if not friends (opportunities though). If you are part of a group/organization that is passionate about something you like, then there is a common interest. Where there is a common interest, there is a common connection, and where there is a connection there are potential friends.
Lastly, depressed people are not "inherently unlikable". That book can go to hell. They are not inherently unlikable because they are not "inherently" or intrinsically or irrevocably depressed. Depression is part of your mindset right now, but it is not part of who you are as a person. There is a more fulfilled (and fulfilling), happier, likeable person that is shrouded by depression, who will come out with some coaxing and (possibly therapy-aided) self-discovery.
Please feel free to respond (dialogue is always good), this is all from my opinion and my experiences, and I am definitely not a completely happy person with tons of friends who never gets down--but maybe that is why I feel i can help. I have been in a situation that is not the same as yours, but still related, and I have come out from my depression happier. I hope I have been some help, if not then I guess I can go to hell too :P