I think my friend is anorexic (Girl thread, only not really)

Hybrid

THIS IS NOT REALLY HYBRID. THIS IS NECHRIAH, USING HYBRID'S ACCOUNT BECAUSE I'M AT HIS HOUSE AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO LOG OFF BECAUSE I'M RETARDED.

So anyway...

*NOTE*
I've put an abridged version at the bottom of this thread for those who don't want to read a 900 word monologue. If you're short of patience, just scroll down there and save yourself the trouble.

I'm starting to worry about my friend Ilene. Some of the H&A regulars may remember my older thread about her. For those who don't and can't be bothered reading it, Ilene is a friend of mine who I have a massive crush on. She dropped hints that she was interested in me too, so we went on a date, she decided she wasn't interested anymore and I didn't find out about this for six months until one of our mutual friends told me. I was somewhat dejected about this and to this day I am still not properly over her.

Part of the fallout from this whole mess is that Ilene's best friends Jennifer (the mutual friend who I got to know Ilene through in the first place) and Abby have decided to completely cut off ties with Ilene as of the new year. They say that she's too self-centred and hasn't grown up at all since high school; and the way she handled her rejection of me was, for them, Ilene's last chance. So not only am I still moping because I'm not over Ilene, I feel guilty because her best friends have given up on her and it feels like that's my fault - no matter how many times they and my other friends stress that it isn't.

Anyway, I haven't seen Ilene since about September, and this week I thought that maybe enough time had passed that I was over her. I miss talking to her and just hanging out like we used to so I messaged her asking if she had any free time and maybe wanted to catch up. Ilene messaged back to say that she felt really sick so would have to pass. Since I know she has an incurable intestinal disease this did not seem unlikely, but at the same time I was suspicious...was this another passive-aggressive brush off?

I decided to give Ilene a chance - after all, we can't be friends again if I don't trust her. Then I hit upon a brainwave. I was going to a barbecue at a place just around the corner from Ilene's on Friday night, so that morning I bought her a get well card and decided to pop over for a bit to say hello and wish her a speedy recovery. I called to make sure it was okay to swing by with "a surprise" first, and Ilene told me that she would probably be at the gym, but I could leave it with someone to give to her when she got home.

Okay, that sounded promising. I dropped my bag off at the barbecue and walked around the corner to Ilene's house. I'd caught her just as she was about to get ready to go to the gym, so we exchanged quick hellos, I gave her the card, and she thanked me and told me how I was really sweet and she was feeling a bit better. Finally we made vague sounding promises to catch up before university started up again and she politely but firmly asked me to leave so she could change into her gym clothes.

Now, up close Ilene did look alarmingly ill. She has very dark circles under her eyes, and is even thinner than usual. Ilene has always been slim, but I can see some her bones in alarming detail. I'm worried that she might be anorexic. Jennifer suggested this once before, and I think there's some credence to that rumour. For one, she does not eat very well; even though she has Crohn's disease. Second, she spends a ridiculous amount of time at the gym - even when she's sick. She has fine hairs all along her arms that weren't there before. And she practically tore my head off once when I told her she was pretty, saying that she looked awful and really needed to hit the gym again. Perhaps I'm overreacting since I've studied eating disorders as part of my degree, but like I said...she is showing most of the symptoms of anorexia nervosa.

So, I'm very worried about Ilene now. She's quite possibly anorexic, doesn't know it, and she can't really count on the support of the people she'd probably go to for help. Worse, knowing Ilene she probably doesn't even realise that Jennifer and Abby have stopped speaking to her. She can be a little dense when it comes to things like that.

I feel really bad for Ilene at the moment, compounded by the fact that I'm still not over her. The last thing she needs to deal with now is my stupid crush and my inability to get over her. But she's my friend, and I really want to help her. I just wish there was something I could do, but at the moment I feel kind of powerless. If I try to talk to her about it now, I'll probably just seem really clingy and Ilene will more than likely think I'm just trying to find a way to be a bigger part of her life. I suppose I could try and persuade Jennifer and Abby to talk to Ilene about this, but I don't know if that's a good idea or not. Honestly, I would probably know what the right thing to do is if I put my mind to it, but I just can't think straight at the moment.

TL;DR:I have a crush on a girl (Ilene), she kind of likes me but is holding out for something better, and I am still not over her six months after her friends told me this. Those same friends have stopped speaking to Ilene and I feel like that's my fault. Since seeing Ilene recently I am now worried that she is anorexic and have no idea what to do about this situation. Ilene is my friend, and I want her to realise she is beautiful as she is and doesn't need to do this to herself.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can post advice and suggestions; stories of their own fight against an eating disorder; or anything helpful like that.

Nechriah

poshniallo

I have Crohns Disease. Very simply, you need to read up on it. It's not metabolic, it's intestinal. If you have Crohns Disease you can't eat properly, you are in lots of pain, and you lose lots of weight. You can die of Crohns. Treatment can use steroids which can give you mood-swings.

Of course, it's possible she doesn't actually have Crohns, and is actually anorexic and pretending to have Crohns as a cover. However, if you are sure that she has Crohns you are massively underestimating the seriousness and impact of the disease. You've seen someone seriously ill, skinny, and you're worried they're anorexic? I'm sorry to say this, but that sounds a bit dumb.

Also, your social circle don't sound like very nice people.

Hybrid

[STILL USING HYBRID'S ACCOUNT BECAUSE I'M STILL AT HIS HOUSE AND THE COMPUTER STILL WON'T LOG ME OFF]

Whups, you are correct: Crohn's is an intestinal disease, not a metabolic one. I don't know why I always get confused on that point. I should probably clarify; Ilene was diagnosed with Crohn's disease a year ago and underwent treatment for it then. As far as I know, her doctors were able to send it into remission (I'm just using the same terminology she did here). Even though she's been told time and again that she needs to watch what she eats, she still skips meals all the time and doesn't eat a properly balanced diet. But I'm pretty sure she's not faking it; nor is she suffering a relapse because I did explicitly ask her, when she said she was sick, if it was Crohn's. She told me it wasn't, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be hitting the gym if it was.

The reason I think she has anorexia nervosa is because Jennifer had already suggested it a couple of times before, and when I was reading over my textbooks I was alarmed to see that Ilene is showing most, if not all of the symptoms associated with that particular eating disorder.

JebusUD

you see up in the right corner next to the login name? There is a logout link.

Hybrid

[YOU KNOW THE DRILL BY THIS STAGE]

I keep hitting it, it keeps not logging me out. And that really isn't the issue here.

EDIT: Sorry, that was overly snarky of me. It's hot here.

wasted pixels

JebusUD wrote: »

you see up in the right corner next to the login name? There is a logout link.

Which doesn't work with some browsers unless you dump all cookies, which is kind of a dick move on someone else's computer.

PolloDiablo

So you've been reading about disorders, and now you think a friend might have one of those disorders. Don't be a backseat hypochondriac. Not to be glib, but if she's got a history of a disease that can cause those kind of symptoms, why wouldn't you assume it was that first?

If you're that concerned about it, why not just have a serious discussion with her?

Hahnsoo1

The red flag isn't the fact that she's skinny as a bean in light of her disorder. The red flag is this:

And she practically tore my head off once when I told her she was pretty, saying that she looked awful and really needed to hit the gym again. Perhaps I'm overreacting since I've studied eating disorders as part of my degree, but like I said...she is showing most of the symptoms of anorexia nervosa.

Not eating is simply fasting. Not eating because of a warped self-image is an eating disorder.

The physiological features can be chalked up to the Crohn's, although I will note that Crohn's disease is one of many well-documented diseases on the Intarwebz that people use as a cover for something else. I've seen a lot of folks who fake it, and a lot of folks who use it as a social/work excuse ("Oh, I can't go to your workplace party... I've got Crohn's and it's 'acting up'"). Sounds like she's in the latter camp, based on the backstory that you linked, but that is neither here nor there.

I wouldn't get involved directly, especially if you still have feelings for her. It will cloud any sort of action that you try to do, even if you mean well. You might want to start thinking about intermediaries to bring up the subject, individuals that you can trust and do not have your unrequited love for her. You are clingy and can't think straight. I know that you are trying to do what's best for her (such is love), but it is hard to determine this in your position (ask any family of any person with a chronic disease... it ain't easy).

Folks who are anorexic don't tend to spontaneously turn into anorexics later in life... it tends to develop during adolescence (even pre-puberty). This probably was a long-standing problem with roots far deeper than you can imagine.

Sir Headless VII

I also have Chrons disease and i would like to reiterate "If you have Crohns Disease you can't eat properly, you are in lots of pain, and you lose lots of weight." If you didn't understand understand my Crohns it would look like I am anorexic. I am skinny, even so I don't eat very much, on occasions where I do eat allot its not unusual that I throw up later. This is because even though I am in remission and taking medication to control Crohns if I eat allot it hurts, often so much so that I will throw up (because this will relieve the pain). On the other hand I am certainly not anorexic, I am not particularly happy with my body weight but its because I know i am too skinny, not that I'm too fat. I have made my peace with it, it sounds like she hasn't (going to the gym so often) and I can understand that because it can be incredibly frustrating to know you are underweight, and have people tell you about it, but know there is not really anything you can do.

Trillian

Hybrid wrote: »

Now, up close Ilene did look alarmingly ill. She has very dark circles under her eyes, and is even thinner than usual. Ilene has always been slim, but I can see some her bones in alarming detail. I'm worried that she might be anorexic. Jennifer suggested this once before, and I think there's some credence to that rumour. For one, she does not eat very well; even though she has Crohn's disease. Second, she spends a ridiculous amount of time at the gym - even when she's sick. She has fine hairs all along her arms that weren't there before. And she practically tore my head off once when I told her she was pretty, saying that she looked awful and really needed to hit the gym again. Perhaps I'm overreacting since I've studied eating disorders as part of my degree, but like I said...she is showing most of the symptoms of anorexia nervosa.

So, I'm very worried about Ilene now. She's quite possibly anorexic, doesn't know it, and she can't really count on the support of the people she'd probably go to for help. Worse, knowing Ilene she probably doesn't even realise that Jennifer and Abby have stopped speaking to her. She can be a little dense when it comes to things like that.

These are hallmarks of anorexia nervosa, as you said.
She clearly has a distorted body image; she thinks she's fat when really she's on death's door.
Lanugo, or the hair that's sprouted all over her skin, is a bodily reaction to a prolonged state of starvation, not just Chron's induced malnutrition.