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Girl Advice [with update]
kaliyama
Left to find less-moderated foraRegistered User regular
Left to find less-moderated foraRegistered User regular
OK, so i'll probably delete the OP just out of an overabundance of caution, but here's my story..
Last weekend, a girl I knew a long time ago for a few (intense, platonically) months but didn't speak to for a decade is back around, found out I broke up with my gf, and we made out for like two hours. Next night (saturday), repeat, I stay over (though just making out...bizarre!). On Monday morning she's friendly, but fleeting (touches me then gets to class). That evening, I ask her if she wants to get coffee sometime - she gives a good reason why she can't, and says "raincheck?" at the end. I ask her if she wants to go out on thursday night, same sort of response.
I have a few questions:
1) It's possible she's just trying to brush me off and is being too nice. The only reason this is an ambiguous question is because she went out of her way to signal going out later "raincheck?" and give excuses, rather than a generic "busy this weekend" sort of response that i'd expect if I was getting the polite brush-off. How to figure this out without doing something stupid and emo like giving her a piece of paper entitled "Do you like me? Circle yes or no"
2) Even if she isn't trying to get rid of me, I don't want to come on too strong - i've done the texting offering an idea both times this week and have gotten shot down both times. I feel like if this keeps up it's going to make a pattern of me creepily badgering her. How long should I wait to txt her again? Is texting the wrong idea? Do I call? B/c we go to a smallish program together, I'm pretty sensitive to giving her space at school.
Anyway, I really don't want to either be creepy or feel creepy...
Last weekend, a girl I knew a long time ago for a few (intense, platonically) months but didn't speak to for a decade is back around, found out I broke up with my gf, and we made out for like two hours. Next night (saturday), repeat, I stay over (though just making out...bizarre!). On Monday morning she's friendly, but fleeting (touches me then gets to class). That evening, I ask her if she wants to get coffee sometime - she gives a good reason why she can't, and says "raincheck?" at the end. I ask her if she wants to go out on thursday night, same sort of response.
I have a few questions:
1) It's possible she's just trying to brush me off and is being too nice. The only reason this is an ambiguous question is because she went out of her way to signal going out later "raincheck?" and give excuses, rather than a generic "busy this weekend" sort of response that i'd expect if I was getting the polite brush-off. How to figure this out without doing something stupid and emo like giving her a piece of paper entitled "Do you like me? Circle yes or no"
2) Even if she isn't trying to get rid of me, I don't want to come on too strong - i've done the texting offering an idea both times this week and have gotten shot down both times. I feel like if this keeps up it's going to make a pattern of me creepily badgering her. How long should I wait to txt her again? Is texting the wrong idea? Do I call? B/c we go to a smallish program together, I'm pretty sensitive to giving her space at school.
Anyway, I really don't want to either be creepy or feel creepy...
kaliyama on
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Maybe your move now is to see her in class and say hi and make nice small talk so she has an opportunity.
Usually these threads are posted by people who misread the signs of a girl trying to let them down gently. Saying "raincheck?" after she couldn't go out both times, and touching in a boundary-invading way, don't strike me as the typical behavior of someone who is trying to let someone else down gently.
I know a girl who works every day and has friends constantly bugging her to hang out, naturally, hanging out with her is something that can take a couple of weeks to accomplish
then again this is a girl I speak to constantly, so all the above is likely irrelevant
She might not have clear motivations to have insight into.
She's made out with an old friend. Okay, so there's obviously some physical attraction there. But making out with an old platonic friend can feel awkward. Maybe she's not sure she wants a relationship with you because of your past history. Maybe she's really busy and she's not sure she wants a relationship at all. Maybe she's stalling to play for time to get her head straight and figure things out. Maybe there's some other guy she's dating and she's trying to figure out where she stands with him. Maybe she got a taste of you and she's decided that she doesn't really want any more.
There's really no way to know. So try not to stress about it.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
You just gave the poor bastard enough reason to not sleep for the next week.
But all I can say is try not to think about it, because you can't do anything about it for now.
Some girls are just like that, they have fleeting interests in some people. I knew a girl that bounced to a new guy almost every 2 weeks because she always lost interest and became interested in someone new. I began to incredibly dislike this girl because of it (And the fact she always blamed everyone else for all her failed relationships.) she also used to make up lots of excuses and things to guys that were flat out lies but they were believable.
Some girls, unfortunately, are just like that. They have fleeting interests and flavors of the week. It sounds harsh but there is a chance thats what you were. Just be glad you didn't sleep with her i guess. I know its usually guys who get pegged as being "players" or whatever, but ive met a ton of girls who fall into that category as well, probably just as much as guys. It just isn't as noticed because unlike most guys, these girls will hide it and lie about it to avoid being looked at badly.
Yeah sounds a little cynical, but i've seen it be done to friends and watched said girl do it to multiple people over and over again and i found i lost all trust in them just by watching her spin all these lies to people all the time. But yeah, some girls are like that, unfortunately.
I am not saying this is what she is like, but people DO change and its a possibility. My ex Fiance turned into someone like this after we split because she craved the attention of other people after being with me for 5 years steady and did and said anything she could to get it, and it didnt matter what kind of attention, as long as it was on her. And she was the total opposite when we first met and through the majority of our relationship.
I wouldn't call "raincheck?" a very direct "let's try again" message. "Sorry I'm busy Thursday, but I'm free Saturday" is a very direct "let's try again" message.
"Raincheck?" sounds like "maybe another time" or is possibly even her way of being kind to your ego.
1. "I'm busy Thursday, but maybe some other time."
2. "I'm busy Thursday. What are you doing Friday?"
As for why she's like this, I'd suggest that it really doesn't matter in the long run, does it? There could be any number of specific reasons. She may be driven by the need for attention. She may be running away because she thinks you're on the rebound and doesn't want to get burned. She may not be looking for anything serious herself and thinks you might want more than what she's willing to offer. She may just suck at this whole dating thing. Regardless, you got to make out with a cute girl you've known for a while and had a crush on. Rather than focus on what you didn't get out of her, try and be happy about what time you did get to have with her, and wait to see if she signals she's interested in more down the line.
edit: Wow I can't believe in the five minutes it took me to drink my coffee and write this that someone already posted the same fucking thing. Yay concensus?
If I didn't like a guy, OR I was one of those irritating wishy-washy picky bitches, who likes to get attention previously already outlined in the thread, I would act like this chick is.
the idea of starting small talk in another area of discussion aside from talking about hanging out, is a good idea as was previously stated that way she has a perfect oppertunity to bring it up.
I asked if she wanted to do something this week (something specific + fun), and she gave very good, specified reasons why she was busy. I said "Np, sorry to bother!," and she said "You're not bothering me, I promise!"
So the friendliness of this, and thus the wishy-washiness hadn't really gone away. I wanted a little bit of closure, and since i'm out of here in two months anyway, and aren't easily embarassed, I didn't feel bad asking and I had absolutely nothing to lose. So I sent one last msg going "I totally understand what feb was like my first year, so no worries. Want to do it when things are less crazy? Unless you're trying to tell me you're washing your hair till May, but I wanted to be sure
So that was actually a pretty positive outcome - it's still possible she's being -really- passive aggressive, but there was no reason for her not to be more direct in the last msg, and I didn't sleep more than 3 hrs/day for these weeks in 1L. So we'll see how things go in a couple of weeks. She's really happy to talk + be social with me - I was making myself much more emo by framing each interaction as "wanna do something?" because she's too busy (or more likely, too stressed) to want to go out right now, but is happy to msg/talk etc. She could also want to just be friends and not hook up again, which is fine as long as that relationship gets delinated one way or the other.
So really, it was a last minute recovery, and the best that could be expected...
Ignoring H/A though...walkin' a fine line there...
Yeah, asking her out over texting is not the best idea. As in, don't do it. Ever.
So, PA's usual advice doesn't always pan out - something to keep in mind as we tell other people what to do.
If she liked you, but was just playing hard to get, I say screw her. Girls that play hard to get are just sending mixed messages and playing mind games. Date someone who doesn't require a self-esteem boost from having her male interests fawn all over her before she dates them.
A while back, I was at a friend's party providing the music, flipping cds, keeping things interesting with the crowd. I hadn't really planned on getting to know anybody as I was just sitting, sipping my beer and enjoying my tunes. This girl comes along, sits next to me for the entire night and I end up getting her number.
I call her, we end up going downtown, have dinner, find ourselves in a book store and proceed to make out for most of that time. Said our goodnights and went home. After that, we talked a few times, were distant and then drifted apart.
So why did this end up with us parting company? It could be that she wanted things to be a little more intimate, wanted me to take initiative and invite her home (I found out through a mutual friend that this was bang on). It could be that I was a terrible kisser (although humoring me for that long would require a great amount of endurance). It could have been what I said (Not really considering we did the kissing afterwards).
See, by me backing off, I let time sink in and all the shielding she brought down came back up. My advice would be to catch her off guard, when she's in a good mood and see how far you can get intimately as this might be her only reason for making out with you for a two hour period in the first place. She might also be a little shy on initiative. Take the aggressive route. If it backfires you can always say something about mixed signals. I think she just wants to jump your bones dude.
My general rule of thumb is don't bother with girls from law school.
She's not interested.
I posted the update to show that this sort of thinking isn't always the correct approach.
Of course, it depends on the girl.
More importantly, it depends on YOU. If a girl is single and kissing you, if you're 100% certain that you want to date this girl, you don't need to ask a forum. You don't need to check with your friends. You take a breath from all the kissing and say "you know, this isn't just me speaking in the moment, but you want to catch coffee tomorrow morning (or saturday afternoon)?"
Note that I have been with my now-wife for almost 10 years, so this is speaking a bit from memory, but I dated a few girls where they absolutely wanted me to take the initiative. I'm not dense, I could tell, but I didn't act. Part of it was that I was scared of rejection. But another part of me was that I wasn't really that into them. Yes, they were kind of cute, yes, we could have a short conversation that wasn't too awkward, but yes, I also didn't really get the feeling that I wanted to see them again or form a relationship.
So I let it drift apart. At the time, of course I wrestled with feelings that I should call them back, that I should set up a date, and that I could get in with them -- but I didn't want to.
When I met my wife, when we parted ways from our afternoon date, I said "this is a lot of fun, do you want to go somewhere else, like see a movie?" and she said "no, I have errands to do, how about something later on?" Which, you know, totally sounds like she was blowing me off. But instead of giving up, I called her the next day and said "hey, yesterday was fun, I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a movie on Wednesday?" Since we were talking about movies during our first date, and some movies she liked that I hadn't seen, it made sense, and she accepted.
I didn't need to check with friends or a forum because I wanted to date her. So I called her and asked for a more intimate date. If she had said no, then so be it, but when people drift apart it's only half one person's fault. The phone works both ways, after all.
I've also found that it's far easier to be entertaining or interesting with someone in a textual form after they actually know me a bit, in person. mostly because they "get me" after seeing me a couple times.