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Dealing with an awkward situation
Floofy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I'm a girl, and I go to this regular tabletop rping group most weekends.
The GM and his wife have been close friends of mine for about five years. Three other guys also come to the sessions regularly; I'll give them names because using initials is just bloody irritating. Dave has a girlfriend, and we've been friends about as long as I've known the GM. There's also Jonathon, who's been around a long time but is a bit of a drip and Dan, who's a recent addition to the group and totally fantastic.
Jonathan was recently dumped by his long-term girlfriend; since then, he's been acting pretty wierdly overall, but to me in particular. Whenever I come to games he tries to flirt and offers to do/buy things for me on a creepily insistant level.
Which would be awkward enough if I hadn't been dating Dan for the past few weeks. Jonathan seems not to have noticed- despite us mentioning outright that we're going out, hugging etc whilst he's around. Example: At the end of last weekend's game, he randomly decided to strip off his shirt and show me a 'scar' on his chest (in actual fact a cat-scratch from the GMs kittens.)
Now I'm not sure what to do, because he's working his way to a confrontation of some sort at the present rate. It makes gaming sessions very awkward as he's made it fairly clear he's still interested in me, whilst I've never really been interested in him AND have a wonderful, lovely boyfriend with whom I'm very happy. On the one hand I want to outright tell him to stop pissing about, but on the other breaking up with his girlfriend has hit him pretty hard and it'd be sort of like kicking a retarded puppy.
Moral social dilemma ensues?
The GM and his wife have been close friends of mine for about five years. Three other guys also come to the sessions regularly; I'll give them names because using initials is just bloody irritating. Dave has a girlfriend, and we've been friends about as long as I've known the GM. There's also Jonathon, who's been around a long time but is a bit of a drip and Dan, who's a recent addition to the group and totally fantastic.
Jonathan was recently dumped by his long-term girlfriend; since then, he's been acting pretty wierdly overall, but to me in particular. Whenever I come to games he tries to flirt and offers to do/buy things for me on a creepily insistant level.
Which would be awkward enough if I hadn't been dating Dan for the past few weeks. Jonathan seems not to have noticed- despite us mentioning outright that we're going out, hugging etc whilst he's around. Example: At the end of last weekend's game, he randomly decided to strip off his shirt and show me a 'scar' on his chest (in actual fact a cat-scratch from the GMs kittens.)
Now I'm not sure what to do, because he's working his way to a confrontation of some sort at the present rate. It makes gaming sessions very awkward as he's made it fairly clear he's still interested in me, whilst I've never really been interested in him AND have a wonderful, lovely boyfriend with whom I'm very happy. On the one hand I want to outright tell him to stop pissing about, but on the other breaking up with his girlfriend has hit him pretty hard and it'd be sort of like kicking a retarded puppy.
Moral social dilemma ensues?
Floofy on
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Just tell him that it's bothering you and to stop. It's not about protecting his feelings at this point, it's about stopping something that makes you uncomfortable.
That way, nobody's publicly embarrassed and (hopefully), he gets the message.
And no matter how nice a guy he is and how much he's been through lately, by letting it slide you will pave the road for him to behave even worse than how he's been behaving lately.
I wouldn't even say that you're flattered by the attention. Giving him ANY positive attention at this point is a bad idea; if he thinks that you like the attention, he'll just wait for the day Dan is in a bad mood or sick or something and be all over you again twice as hard, because hey, you like the attention, right?
Tell him flat out "I'm not interested in you, and I want you to stop flirting with me because it's making me uncomfortable." Walk away, go sit next to your boyfriend, and try as best as you can to give him as minimal attention as possible until he stops being a retard.
I'd very much suggest that this is advice worth listening to right up in here.
And his feelings stopped being important when you made it clear that you weren't single. Now it's about making it clear to him that he needs to stop, because he's not likely to decide he should on his own.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
the advice that everyone is giving is solid, i'd follow this if I was in your situation.
however, there is also one thing to consider. Will you be uncomfortable or feel afraid by confronting Jonathan about this?
try talking to your boyfriend about the situation, if he is as level-headed as you say he is, he should be able to perhaps talk with jonathan and tell him to cool it, if you feel uncomfortable with bringing this up to the guy.
Something along the lines of "listen, your behaviour is making me uncomfortable and it needs to stop. I know you've just been made single recently, and me telling you this is only going to add salt to the wound, but I don't deserve to be in this position and this will eventually compromise our gaming group." Once he's got it in his head that, no, it ain't gonna happen, offer your sympathies and give him some encouragement that he'll find someone--just make it clear that it's not you.
I'd go with sitting him down after the session, so he won't get to sit there and have to stew after you lay down the verbal smack-down. And do it one-on-one, rather than in front of everyone. If he doesn't get the message after that, then you really get to stop giving a shit about his feelings.
I'm meeting up with my boyfriend today and I could ask him to have a word on my behalf, which might have more effect considering he looks pretty scary. Or perhaps we both need to talk to him?
To add another degree of fucked-upness that I forgot to mention, Jonathan has recently claimed he's interested in the occult, and wants to get a degree in parapsychology. Last gaming session he spent several minutes making wierd hand gestures, glaring at my boyfriend and muttering under his breath.
Dan is starting to take a pretty dim view of all this, as am I. We're both clear I've never been interested in Jonathan -communication FTW- and were initially just amused by his continued attempts, but at this point it's just getting screwy. I know it might end unpleasantly but TBH I just want the situation resolved, and I'd rather have one slightly tough conversation than lots of awkward and wierd moments.
Ultimately, you're fucked. Hope he moves out of the phase, and confront him about it. Talk to your other friends about this as well. Make them try to tell them. It wont work, but when he ignores them and continues being a jackass, it wont seem like you're being hard, but rather that he brought it up on himself. I'd wait a session, make sure people that aren't Jonathan know before hand so they can watch him, let them tell him to stop, and when he doesn't then break it to him. Unless you're sure that your other friends are aware as well. This is just to make sure that in the process you don't alienate your other friends. It may seem deceptive, but I've had friends like "Jonathan" here, and I've tried to convince them that what they're doing just isn't going to work out, and that they need to stop, but it never worked. I imagine, however, that if I hadn't noticed or known about my friend's creepiness, and someone else flat out told him he was being creepy and a freak and he needs to stop, it could seem like she was being a bitch, and would make us not like her. Of course, it seems his friends know you, so that's not a problem.
Also, try to encourage his guy friends to help him out. He's being creepy and wierd, but it's a response. Ultimately, he will have to deal with it one way or another, and if he doesn't find some way of dealing with his feelings, or finds someone else to stalk, it's going to be your photo he kisses with lipstick in secret (or while you're tied up in the basement). This is something noone wants, even if he finds another stalkee.
That's my two cents.
Seriously though if this guy is starting to actually believe in magic (hand waving/cursing bit) you might want to see if anybody could talk to his family/closer friends and maybe get him some help.
You Do need to put it in the bluntest possible terms, or else it won't work. What is the worst that can happen, he quits the group? That's just one person. If he continues with this unchecked, you will eventually leave the group, and your boyfriend will most likely do so in support. That makes two people leaving because someone else was a douche, as opposed to just the one.
Or, he might come to his senses and everything will be groovy. Maybe not, and certainly not right away, but there is that chance. However, it will never happen unless you are completely are brutally honest with him.
Good luck. This is going to feel crappy no matter how it turns out. So remember, its not your fault that this person cannot treat you with respect. The best thing you can do is give him the respect of being honest. Maybe he'll learn somethin'.
No. This will just make him jealous and bitter and make him more likely to do something stupid.
You (and maybe your boyfriend, if you're not comfortable being alone with Jonathon) need to sit down and explain in no uncertain terms that you do not like the attention you have been getting from him, that you are very happy with your present relationship situation, and that you think trying to pursue this any more is only going to ruin the gaming experience for everyone. Will it work? Probably not. You may end up having to find a new group to RP with. But, it's probably worth it at least to try and put both you and Jonathon out of your misery.