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What's she thinking??
revolutionary bean
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, i just couldn't put "Girl Thread" as the Thread Title, because that would be emasculating, right?
But I'm desperate anyway, I haven't slept the whole night and a day waiting for anything from this girl, and I think by now, she's just flat out ignoring me. So please, if there's anyone out there who can shed a light on how this girl even thinks, I would be really grateful.
Here's what happened, I study overseas and one day, while surfing through facebook I came upon this girl I knew from when I was in the Elementary School. I sent her a message, and she actually remembered me because of my distinctive name! She gave me her msn addy, and we had so much to talk about that we actually chatted for the rest of the day. I made plans to meet her when I came back here for a holiday, and that was 2 months ago. I kept contact with her through the phone, and both times I talked with her, the conversation continued for more than 2 hours. I just love talking to this girl, she's so easy to talk to, and I can just tease her again and again and she would return the favour.
Now, i just went out with her a few days ago, and the same thing happened again, I had a lot of fun and (I can't 100% vouch for her) she seemed like she had a lot of fun too. We talked about a lot of stuffs, but a few highlight was the fact that:
- She just broke up with her boyfriend and that this valentine was actually going to be her first single valentine day since she was 14.
- She mentioned to me that she was starting to look for a serious relationship and that hopefully she'll get married by mid 20s (she's 20 right now) and I made fun of her by telling her that she's too young to be having such serious relationship and that I will probably marry by the time I am 50 to a 20 years old girl.
- She was such a fun girl!
I could just talk on and on with her, i just never had that with any girl before, we just couldn't run out of subjects to discuss. Little by little, I think i was starting to like her, and maybe sub consciously wanted to take it further. But now i think about it, it might be that she's like this with everyone, and i'm just getting all excited because I never met a girl that I could talk to so easily before.
The damn thing is, i forgot to put on deodorant in the morning and the day was quite humid, so i might've stunk a little bit in the car. I can't confirm this, as i tried smelling my 'area' when she left and I couldn't smell anything that obvious, but the possibility remains that she could.
Now, because I have some sleep problems, I didn't get any sleep the night before the meeting, and by the end of the day I was so tired that when I dropped her off at her dorm, I just waved her away. She told me to keep contact and some other stuffs ( I couldn't remember the rest as i nearly fell asleep at the wheel that night)
The day after, at 3 in the morning (after I woke up from my sleep) I texted her apologizing for my behaviour last night (not saying goodbye properly) and that I had a fun night, and that she was such a funny and sweet girl.
Waited for her reply, it never came.
Today, at valentine's day, I texted her to ask her jokingly how her single valentine is going and whether she forgives my rude behaviour two days before.
No reply ever came.
Left her a message at facebook, she went online and never replied to any of it.
Now, what the hell is going on here?? Did i do something really wrong? I'm pretty sure everything went well when i went out with her. Why is she flat out ignoring me? I dont want to give her a call at this point because I'm afraid that she'll just think of me as a stalker or whatever.
I don't get this girl, did she freak out because she felt my text was too forthcoming or something? Or maybe she just plain not like me and put on a fake mood the whole day just to please me (can anyone even do that?).
Sorry guys, I know it's a really long read, but I'm just desperate because I have just never been able to connect emotionally like this to another girl, (I had a few girlfriends before and they were all a bore). I just dont understand why she suddenly cut me off like this. I dont even care if there's nothing romantic in the relationship because I would enjoy her friendship very much.
So yeah thanks if you actually read all that.... what's happening here? What's she thinking? What should I do next?
HELP!
But I'm desperate anyway, I haven't slept the whole night and a day waiting for anything from this girl, and I think by now, she's just flat out ignoring me. So please, if there's anyone out there who can shed a light on how this girl even thinks, I would be really grateful.
Here's what happened, I study overseas and one day, while surfing through facebook I came upon this girl I knew from when I was in the Elementary School. I sent her a message, and she actually remembered me because of my distinctive name! She gave me her msn addy, and we had so much to talk about that we actually chatted for the rest of the day. I made plans to meet her when I came back here for a holiday, and that was 2 months ago. I kept contact with her through the phone, and both times I talked with her, the conversation continued for more than 2 hours. I just love talking to this girl, she's so easy to talk to, and I can just tease her again and again and she would return the favour.
Now, i just went out with her a few days ago, and the same thing happened again, I had a lot of fun and (I can't 100% vouch for her) she seemed like she had a lot of fun too. We talked about a lot of stuffs, but a few highlight was the fact that:
- She just broke up with her boyfriend and that this valentine was actually going to be her first single valentine day since she was 14.
- She mentioned to me that she was starting to look for a serious relationship and that hopefully she'll get married by mid 20s (she's 20 right now) and I made fun of her by telling her that she's too young to be having such serious relationship and that I will probably marry by the time I am 50 to a 20 years old girl.
- She was such a fun girl!
I could just talk on and on with her, i just never had that with any girl before, we just couldn't run out of subjects to discuss. Little by little, I think i was starting to like her, and maybe sub consciously wanted to take it further. But now i think about it, it might be that she's like this with everyone, and i'm just getting all excited because I never met a girl that I could talk to so easily before.
The damn thing is, i forgot to put on deodorant in the morning and the day was quite humid, so i might've stunk a little bit in the car. I can't confirm this, as i tried smelling my 'area' when she left and I couldn't smell anything that obvious, but the possibility remains that she could.
Now, because I have some sleep problems, I didn't get any sleep the night before the meeting, and by the end of the day I was so tired that when I dropped her off at her dorm, I just waved her away. She told me to keep contact and some other stuffs ( I couldn't remember the rest as i nearly fell asleep at the wheel that night)
The day after, at 3 in the morning (after I woke up from my sleep) I texted her apologizing for my behaviour last night (not saying goodbye properly) and that I had a fun night, and that she was such a funny and sweet girl.
Waited for her reply, it never came.
Today, at valentine's day, I texted her to ask her jokingly how her single valentine is going and whether she forgives my rude behaviour two days before.
No reply ever came.
Left her a message at facebook, she went online and never replied to any of it.
Now, what the hell is going on here?? Did i do something really wrong? I'm pretty sure everything went well when i went out with her. Why is she flat out ignoring me? I dont want to give her a call at this point because I'm afraid that she'll just think of me as a stalker or whatever.
I don't get this girl, did she freak out because she felt my text was too forthcoming or something? Or maybe she just plain not like me and put on a fake mood the whole day just to please me (can anyone even do that?).
Sorry guys, I know it's a really long read, but I'm just desperate because I have just never been able to connect emotionally like this to another girl, (I had a few girlfriends before and they were all a bore). I just dont understand why she suddenly cut me off like this. I dont even care if there's nothing romantic in the relationship because I would enjoy her friendship very much.
So yeah thanks if you actually read all that.... what's happening here? What's she thinking? What should I do next?
HELP!
revolutionary bean on
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She also knew that I was tired that day and that I was gonna go to sleep straight then, so she probably can guess that 3 am was when I woke up.
So yeah, I don't think I'm scaring her off or whatever in real life. You guys are the only one I'm letting see my paranoid state
EDIT: Just totally surprised at her ignoring me because it came out of nowhere, that's all.
I dont know man, I like your optimistic view though
But to reiterate what others have said, just chill to the best of your ability. You've contacted her, and it's on her to want to contact you back, although if she eventually leaves you up in the air for a few days I'd consider that rather mean. At that point I wouldn't really pursue anything with her.
eerrrmmm... she might have laughed at your statement, but in her head thought "Damn... I thought I had a chance with this guy. Oh well, maybe we can still be friends." And then things deteriorated from there...
So you didn't set plans for another date? Nothing for a friendly outing on V-day so she doesn't have to be alone? More than anything else, that could have been your biggest mistake. I understand that you were tired, but you should have made some kind of plan, maybe earlier in the day when you were coherent... This, more than anything, tells her that you want to be friends and that's about it.
Also, as others have already mentioned... the 3am text was probably a bad idea, for the reasons they've already mentioned.
As cliche as is may be right now... it sounds like she's just not that into you. There's a chance that you two could reconnect later, but not if you're stalking/bothering her all the time. Oh, and stop apologizing. She knows by now that you're sorry - no need to keep repeating yourself. It's boring and annoying.
Give her some time, leave her another message with something upbeat, and see if she wants to hang out again.
The Best in Terms of Pants on JCCC3
I'm just a bit surprised at all those mistakes you pointed at me, as they didn't seem like anything that big at the time, but you're right that I should have tried and set up something when I dropped her off at her place. That was probably my biggest mistake, but really I had actually contemplated parking somewhere and just spending the night in my car that night. That was how tired I was.
But not returning my messages just for that is a bit overblown don't you think? What sort of a mistake as a friend could've put me in such a position in her book? I mean, it's not exactly as if I had been coming on to her as anything more than a friend for too much and you just don't flat out ignore your friend's messages for three days straight right?
Her birthday is tomorrow and by now all I'm planning to do is just to leave a "Hey, have a happy birthday (name)" in her facebook.
Thanks for the in depth analysis btw, helped me a lot to see where I actually did wrong
If she doesn't pick up the phone or call you back TODAY you know she is not interested at all.
I can understand texting when you don't want to make a scene, or just drop a note to someone about something unimportant, but if you actually want to, you know, talk to someone, you call.
I personally would call her the day after her b-day and ask if she had a nice one. If she asks why you didn't call you can say "well I figured you've been busy, so I wanted to wait until after you had your b-day with friends, family, whatever" and then ask if she wants to get together next weekend or this week.
And yeah, like Moose says, if you get her voice mail and she doesn't call you back, then either you did something to weird her out, she ended up going with some other dude/ex, or who knows. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if something's up with the recent ex and she got together with him this weekend for a fling.
Red'd for this very important rule: Don't be desperate, especially with a new relationship/acquaintance, and if you feel desperate DO NOT act like it.
That will scare away women like nothing else can.
Don't worry if she doesn't respond to things right away. It's been said a lot before, but girls can smell desperation from a mile away.
I would probably call her in a few days or so before I return to oz and if she don't pick up, well I don't really care by now anyway.
I just never had a girl whom I had a great time with suddenly flat out ignoring me, so I guess instead desperate, a better word to define my situation right now would be confused.
Edit: You're right though, eff it, I'm just gonna treat this like I treat every problem I can't figure out about in real life.
Ignore it, and move on to the next one.
Also, I swear i am gonna stop laughing at people who starts a girl thread from now on.
Remember she only just got over what sounds like a long term relationship?
Simple thing. Organize an event and then invite her to it. Ring her this time and make sure she knows there will be more than just you two there. If she comes at least you have another chance to get her to like you or at least get it right this time.
If she is busy.. thats cool dont press for another time to do something immediately .. at least wait until after the event (maybe a BBQ with some mates or a night out) and then maybe ring her a week later asking her if she wants to catchup.
Things to remember is that sending the girl a message is making you worried more because she isnt answering. so dont send a message.. as hard as it is ( i know) ring the girl and talk to her. Most girls think your a creep if you just send messages anyway (I know) haha...
mmmm alternatively ... (i have done this one myself) message her and say 'hey.. you seem like you might be avoiding me and I think its because I may of been a little eager to be friends with you.. I'm not looking for a relationship right now but you seemed really cool and I would really like to be friends with you.
(sure you lie in the message that you dont really like her.. but at least that way it takes the pressure off you and her that you may of gone over the top and lets you start again... this time hopefully just sitting back a little)
Thats my two cents I guess.. its from many personal experiences I have told you this stuff and it most of the time works.. I tell you an interesting fact to.. to beat the how many days do I wait until I call the girl after meeting her in a club.. try messaging her straight away.. just send.. 'hey.. its (your name) just incase you were to drunk to remember it in the morning... had fun. hope you did to'
I guess that's just how I come off over the net.
And yeah, I think she just tried to put some space to try to say "not interested" or maybe "slow down", don't know which one it is and not gonna have enough time to find out which one it is either. Why do I figured this?
She replied to my happy birthday message in facebook with a "Hey, thanks! Sorry about the past few days (sorry for what? she didnae say), I've just really been really busy (insert a sorta lame joke in here), please don't give me that look :X (I had inserted a
I guess she may have ignored my first text because it sorta had a flirting tone to it, and my second text because it was on valentine day and she wanted to avoid saying happy valentine to me in case i took it the wrong way. This is just my interpretation anyway (God, you women are so hard to read)
Or in general. You aren't a Casanova, but I won't repeat whats been said in this topic because it's all good advice. Take it to heart.
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
Or in general. Okay.
Or, to put it another way: right now, you're bitching about how hard it is to read a novel in a pitch-black cave where the only lights are the sparks you strike from your flint and steel, which illuminate one or two words at a time for a split-second. Get out of the cave.
People have already told you to stop texting her. It's a shitty way to interact with someone. The internet is marginally better, depending on how it's used: a long, detailed talk with someone on GTalk can be pretty good, but anything less involved (like a Facebook post) is useless. Talking on the telephone is leaps and bounds above that, because you can hear details that would be impossible to convey in text. Talking in person is a whole other world of interaction.
Stop texting her. Stop texting anyone you think you might be interested in. Stop sending messages to her on Facebook. Interact in person, or on the phone.
With this girl, I think you've already blown your chance. I was actually tempted to respond to this thread when you first posted it, along these lines:
"This guy seemed pretty cool, but then he turned into a total creep. I'd better back away slowly."
Maybe you don't think you're being creepy, but man, you are. The 3am text, the "olol you're too young for that" when she straight-out told you "I think I'm ready to start looking for a serious relationship," the Facebook message that rubbed her face in the fact that she was alone on Valentine's Day - I mean, a couple of those cross the line from vaguely creepy to full-on jerkface.
Also, this:
By itself, this is fine. It's simple, it's to-the-point, it doesn't demand response on her part. There is, however, a big difference between "Hey, happy birthday Kelly" and "Happy birthday Kelly
This is why text is the fucking devil. In person, having a hint of a sad smile on your face when you wish someone happy birthday is fine; it's subtle, it's nuanced, they don't feel pressured to deal with your emotion because they can tell themselves "oh, he must be having a rough day unrelated to me," but at the same time, if they want to get into it, they can respond "Thanks, Bean. Why the long face, though? Is something wrong?" Then you can talk about your emotions like adults instead of pouting and sulking and reading way too much (or not enough) into tiny little details in a medium that is totally inadequate for any sort of emotional interaction.
So yeah. If you absolutely want to try again with this girl, Leggraphics' idea about interacting with her in a group setting was good. Back off, give her some time to get to know you again, etc. I would absolutely not recommend lying to her about your intentions, because if you do that in person or over the phone, she will be able to tell that you're being insincere (non-verbal cues are wonderful things). And if you do it in a text message, you're doing it wrong because you need to stop fucking texting her.
tl;dr: text messaging is a useful tool for conveying concise, factual information (ie, "Train got delayed in Chicago, ETA now 1am, sorry!"), but it is absolute shit for conveying anything with any nuance or emotion. Stop using it to communicate with women you're interested in.
the only thing I'll add is that, if you do use texts as a medium... putting
You are not good at this whole dating thing; the things that you do are giving women the impression that you're a douchebag.
So here's what's happening, in a nutshell: you try and act suave and disinterested in person with girls that you actually like, and then when they don't respond to that the way you expect, you get desperate and anxious over SMS/email/facebook with passive-aggressive comments and messages. The place where the wheels started to come off the wagon here was probably during your date, but I doubt it had anything to do with your deoderant or lack thereof. Here's the part that makes you sound like a douchebag:
Okay: so she's trying to express to you is what she's looking for in a relationship: she wants to find someone with long-term potential. You're response basically amounts to mockery and signals that you're not interested in what she's trying to find in a relationship. Why you did this surpasses my comprehension because you obviously ARE interested in her, hence the wall o' text OP. If I had to guess, you're either afraid of rejection and so use humor and passive-aggression to shield yourself emotionally, or you're trying to play some sort of game, but no one knows the rules.
Here's a good rule of thumb: when someone tries to have a serious conversation about what they want in a relationship, you should have the courtesy to also take the conversation seriously. Even if you're not actually interested in the sort of relationship she's looking for, treating it like a joke is disrespectful, particularly in light of the emotional vulnerability she's exposing herself to by initiating that kind of discussion with you.
Then you switched it up and got needy over facebook and sms, which is wrong for all the reasons everyone's already mentioned in addition to this one: you're trying to express interest in a passive-aggressive manner via abbreviated electronic communication after not expressing serious interest in person, which makes you the one who is impossible to read.
You should absolutely stop communicating interest via sms/facebook -- more importantly, though, you need to stop being passive-aggressive and start being more thoughtful and honest in terms of how you relate with the women you go out with. Dating is absolutely supposed to be fun, but you're not supposed to have fun at the expense of the person you're with, so stop using humor to deflect serious conversations that your date is trying to initiate. Become comfortable with your own emotional vulnerability, and be more considerate of people who expose vulnerability to you, as well. As of now, you're not a particularly suave young man.
It's like someone saying "I have a hankering for pizza tonight." They're not asking you to make fun of their pizza desires -- they want to eat pizza, dammit, and if you want pizza too then you can eat it together.
Okay, first of all, please just calm down a little bit miss Kate
Second of all, I sent a total of 2 (TWO) text messages after the date and probably a total of 10 since i got reacquianted with her again (3 months time) and spend probably 98% of my time with her either on the phone or talking face to face. I dont get where all this anger at me using the text messages is coming from
Third, English is not my first language, and translating my language to English sometimes just made me sounds a little bit like a prick(I dont know why it just does), maybe it's because I learnt 50% of it from movies and games, but just please do understand that my grasp of the language, while adequate for my usage in daily life (while being assisted with me being there physically) is not good enough to convey my tones/feelings over the internet perfectly. Also, that God Women Are Hard to Understand was a sort of lame attempt at a joke from me
Also, yeah I do have a really bad sense of humour.
What the hell is this passive-aggressive thing anyway?
Q-Edit:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_aggressive How does that even connect to what we're talking about here?
Hmm, no idea:
Nope. No idea at all.
(Why yes, that was sarcasm, and it's on the list too. How meta.)
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Wow, this is a disease that everyone must fucking have then. Never had a moment where you experience any of the one above?
I did. It was called puberty. I got over it and started acting like an adult.
So being sarcastic is acting a pubescent kid then? And you never made an excuse in your whole adult life? Never resisted suggestion from your wife, kids or coworkers? Look, I dont wanna be sound ungrateful to some of the poeple in here because your opinion had been great and some of them helped me see myself better. But goddamn some of you are retarded and easily hand down judgments to other you never even fucking meet.
It's not a disease, it's a behaviour. Of course now you're just being directly aggressive as well.
Whether you're doing it intentionally or not you're playing straight from a lame "Pick Up Lines That Really Work!" how-to manual with the use of mocking humour and standoffish comments.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
LemonChiffon'ed for hilarious irony. My friend, you came on the internet and asked us to intepret the thoughts of someone we've never met and who doesn't even have the benefit of explaining herself in the same forum (unless she happens to also visit PA Forums). This is what you asked us to do! You simply asked based on the premise that the fault or failing lies with this girl's inability to communicate what she's thinking and feeling.
We simply rejected the premise of your argument because it turns out that you're the one with the problem. Sorry about that, but in all seriousness, we're only trying to help. If you can avoid using sarcasm at inappropriate moments in the future and learn to communicate better, you'll have more success in the dating arena in the future.
When describing passive-aggressive behavior, most people think of malicious acts that technically follow compliance. The typical example is a spouse saying "Okay honey" through clenched teeth... they are technically complying with the other spouse, but boy is she/he going to "get it" later. Or someone saying "Okay, whatever. You're right." and walking away, clearly not conceding the argument. Passive-aggressive behavior is often seen as "worse" than usual emotional reactions because instead being an emotional "reflex" (like anger or fear), often one has to calculate exactly how to react to the situation so that compliance is technically achieved while defiance can be expressed. Being pre-meditated or calculated, it is seen as more of a conscious choice. This is a bit of a myth, because social interaction and impressions from the environment go a long way to ingraining this type of behavior, but there ya go.
This thread turns out kinda funny, you gotta admit. Anyway yeah a mod should close it or something.
You guys have been great btw
Okay i get it, I was trying to hide my real purpose by acting like i wasnt interested.
I guess, there's always room for improvement right? I guess i was just trying to make the point that I am not the social retard that some of you seems to be trying to paint me with, that's all.
See, the thing is, your entire approach to this whole thread has also been passive aggressive until some of us started turning up the temperature for you. You don't accept responsibility or accountability. You make excuses and defer responsibility. When you're confronted with it, you accept as little responsibility as possible in the hopes that maybe that will get people off your back or something.
Here you accept responsibility for being tired without addressing directly any of the mistakes pointed out by the person to which you were responding (btw, not asking for the next date was not your biggest mistake by a longshot). You then immediately shift the blame back to the girl--in your mind, she's the irrational one.
Translation: I'm going to not think about your comment because you just don't understand/I'm not good at making myself understood.
Well, yes, but that's hardly the point, is it? The girl in question tried to tell you explicitly what she was looking for in a relationship, and rather than have an open and frank discussion with her about it, you chose to mock her instead. You are the one with the communication problems here. You are the one who says one thing when he means something else. Rather than try and avoid accountability for that, you should embrace it because it's fucking liberating. You can't control other people's shortcomings, but you can improve yourself. And if you recognize that how you relate to people is a problem, you can get to work on fixing it.
I dont think you should get TO over the top about the text messages. They can be good, and bad sure... but if the person knows you to be funny they are not going to automatically assume your sending an angry text message if it is a little vague.
I think the more useful way of putting it is, only use them minimally. Never ask to many questions if any because you will be sitting around waiting.
I can think of a few advantages of text messages, especially for us guys as it gives us a chance to think about what we will wright back before we give the response. You cant pause for a few minutes and think about what you are going to say to a girl your nervous around while on the phone
MOST girls prefer a group setting for things, at least the first few times you are getting to know her and it is always better for the guy's point of view to because there are other people to talk to and break the silences and awkwardness. I'm glad it has all worked out for you, maybe next time (if there is a next time) you have learnt just to relax a little and not be so impatient with a girl. As soon as they smell 'desperate' sweating out of you they will run away ASAP.
I don't want to spark an 'i cant convey myself very well when I write' controversy, because hey man, texting is writing, and so its important to recognize that that was your chosen ground- I think you're well on to choosing better ground next time.
Most of the 'passive-aggressive' stuff is kind of true, but I found it hard to apply. The thing that got me the most is this thing where you apologize for stuff that may or may not be wrong, the 'way you said goodbye' for example. There's no way, unless you tripped over her or something you should apologize for that, so really it goes back to expecting some soothing relief of some kind; creating another situation so that things can continue.
I don't know, I'm of the mind that apologetic situations are pretty terrible, and as a way of initiating conversation are even more terrible. It's climbing up from underneath- 'I am in a place of debt, please find the grace to elevate me to a normal level' etc. Really, a strong confident personality would highlight the good things, smooth over the bad (generally by minimizing, but that's a whole nother can o worms) and come back with a 'hey we had some good times, lets have some more'.
Again, its not always the words or tone or body language that give off the 'vibe', it's the other persons guess at what is really motivating those actions. In this case, from what you've written about and how you've described yourself, some of those motivations seem very clear to an educated majority- that is to say, a lot of people read your stuff and came up with the same conclusions. Kate's response for example, is virtually identical to my own first instincts; regardless of intent, that's how the situation looks from here.
I'm not coming down on you at all, peoples is peoples. But if what you wrote was pretty close (all writing is only ever close, never exact) to the truth, and I think it was, it would be reasonable to assume it could be interpreted that way from this girl's angle as well. There are always two levels to our interactions, how we think we're coming across, and how one is actually coming across. Big difference between those two.
Sammy's suggestions go far in closing the gap- less games (even the ones we play with ourselves count), more honesty, and a broader view help us see reality for what it is. It's not what we want, it's not what we are going for, it's what is. Acknowledging that lets us perceive and interact more accurately, focusing one's cause, and achieving the reaction we are looking for. It only gets easier with time, believe me.
I like you. You get your point across without being condescending or making it overly complicated, and I really wouldn't mind if you could expand more on some of your points such as:
-What is it that you figure my motivation was exactly? (Other than wanting to be friends with her, and if she's open may be more)
-I get it that double guessing my every mistake (smell, conversation, tiredness, whatever) is not making me seem like a very secure person and confident person. But that was the only way I could be sure I was being as accurate as possible to what actually happened, I did not want to miss out on writing down anything that had made her ignore me. I understand that, and (to sam especially) I was being dismissive of those telling me I was not being very confident of myself, but that is because I know I am not such a person, and if someone over the internet is not going to believe me on that, heck, all the best to them, but im not gonna waste my time writing down even a paragraph so I can convince them otherwise.
-What game was I playing exactly? and (this is an honest to god question) did it seem like I was trying one of those cheesy pull push "game" on her? Yes, I do need to be honest with my feelings, but come on man, I've only spent something like a total of 20 hours talk time with her, what was I supposed to feel at that point other than that of a friendly affection while wanting more? Which I believe I had (to my honest opinion) tried to accurately convey! (the jokes and lite flirting) I couldn't just be all serious with her and actually ask her honestly just like that on the first day of our meeting after 8 years could I?
Lol is it so wrong to use those mocking humours? I mean I know it is wrong when overused, but I believe I was not doing such a thing! I just use whatever has worked for me before man, and those mocking humours most of the time creates a light and joking mood where both me and the girl can normally relax. But yeah, I probably should not have used it when she was talking about her recently ended relationship
I can't actually answer that. Motivation is not any one thing. It's a current, a stream of many things, and within that stream, every part pulls, flows and changes in its own way. There is no such thing as an exact motivation; part of its identity is its context. Pull out five liters of water from a river and suddenly its just water- it needs to be part of the whole for it have any real meaning.
There isn't enough evidence here to make an overall judgement, so you asking me what the whole picture is when I can only see a piece is essentially asking me to guess. Not only that, but what I guess can never be exactly right, so the whole thing is doomed from the start.
But you already knew that didn't you? Did you consciously set me up to fail? I'd like to think not, but I wanted to point out the proactive defense here. You've set up a situation which has no winner, only an unrelated decision as to whether or not you agree with a guess that will always be wrong.
That my good man, is a game. Something that both distracts and draws someone to the truth. The truth is the only Unbreakable Rule, but games work by bending and distorting that rule. They always have a slice of truth, something to bend around, something to slip or make interesting things out of. The most important thing to realize about any game is that although it holds a truth, for us to make that truth usable requires discovering and untangling the distortion it is made out of.
Consider: It took four paragraphs to untangle a single sentence, extract one piece of usable truth and apply it. Your OP is around 35. Within it, using all of it, is held the answer to this question:
Imagine how long the actual answer would be. Let's try some short hand.
'Was it a cheesy pushpull game?'
No. It was a quick game of clue-ball with you missing all the balls and then wondering why you weren't thrown any. The blooper reel contains some of the following highlights:
She underhand tosses you, 'I'm single and don't want to be alone on Valentines', and you deflect easily off your 'Haha. So how's it sucking being alone?' skull.
An easy pop fly- 'I'm don't like to play the field, and I'm looking for a steady relationship'- shows you on camera as recognizing that there is some kind of ball there, but instead of catching it, you spike it down hard to the ground exclaiming 'Hah! I'm not looking for anything steady, Boo-Ya.'
And so on- I'm amazed there were any points scored at all. Yes, yes, I'm being a bit mocking right now. Firstly because I have a helpfully sadistic side to me, and secondly to remind you that it is not a goddamn aphrodisiac.
Next question:
I'm just going to cut this off in midsentance, sorry about that. This says that you were not being honest, because you hadn't spent enough time together yet. And that's okay, because trust is built over time. My return on that line of thinking is this: If you're not being honest, what are you being instead? How does that behavior serve to build trust?
We might come to different answers on this, but my feeling is that it doesn't. Avoiding the truth, or hiding it behind jokes and other assorted defenses keeps that truth from being brought into play. Trust is based on having reliable and predictable access to truth. Doling it out in a twisted distortion, sarcasm or teasing humor for example, compromises that. Honesty is what you bring to the table, trust is what you get back.
Wanting more of what? Company? Pizza? Conversation? Tea? What did she have that she was giving you, and detail it the fuck out. You say 'fun', 'more...', 'sweet' - but none of those words actually mean anything specific. Hell man, the word 'sweet' alone is poison in the ears of anybody putting out relationship feelers.
Here's another game: instead of hiding the truth behind a joke, why don't we just tuck it away in a vague and very general term, so it never really gets defined, and in this way stays hidden. You don't feel so exposed, and she gets.. well, she gets a grey word paste that doesn't really have any flavor or meaning at all.
The truth is in the details. 'I think you are fun.' is a far cry from, 'Wow, you know, I haven't laughed like this in a really long time. Your sense of humor is amazing, its so nice being with someone who gets me.' Ask yourself why. Why you would use those specific descriptive words. (Why 'sweet'? Because of the way you do this, this and this. ...) Get some specific answers. Share them.
Apparently not. It take years of practice and some freaking heuvos grande to do that. Start with the basics, and work your way up to being able to do exactly that. Tapping into the truth, humbly and effectively, is an aphrodisiac. It says that you know yourself, and you're comfortable with that. It indicates you're comfortable with them too. It gives all of your compliments more weight, your thoughts consideration, and your presence more of an overall effect. Being honest and comfortable doesn't exclude being light-hearted, almost the opposite- life is funny as hell man.
Don't be afraid to show some depth. Okay, be afraid, because the backhand hurts like a motherfucker, but the challenge given to each and every one of us, is to step up anyway. If you're never serious, how can you expect to be taken seriously? Its one thing to prefer to keep things shallow, its another to be incapable of being deep. Being able to demonstrate a range is good- the games get more subtle as you go along, and its nice when folks learn how to explore them together.