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Alcoholic friend
DirtyDirtyVagrant
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I have this friend. Him, me, and another guy went and got some beers tonight. Two six-packs between the three of us, which we drank over the course of...going on five hours now. We were talking shit, talking about life, opening up and just generally bonding. All the things that alcohol helps with.
And then a bottle of Jim Beam appeared, which I'll elaborate more on in a bit. Right now it's just important to note its presence.
One of my friends is asleep now. He went to bed. The other is sitting in his room (I hope) trying to sleep too. Just minutes ago, that friend was in my room trying to get me to give him the bottle of liquor. This friend is fucked up right now, somehow, off like 5 of these beers. Actually, I don't know how many he had. I only drank one of them, and there is one left over, so it's impossible to guess. The bottle is almost untouched. I mean, there's like one good swig missing and that's it.
But he is just losing it. He's crying and shit, and like begging me for it as he simultaneously asks me not to give it to him
I'm not sure what to even ask. I hate seeing my friend like this. What can I do to help him?
Additional Things:
Entering into a rehab program is pretty much out of the question for numerous reasons that I'd prefer not to get into
If we're caught with alcohol in my building our rental agreement is immediately terminated and we're out the door, so we kinda have to be discreet about it. Yes, I know, we're stupid for drinking under circumstances like that anyway.
And then a bottle of Jim Beam appeared, which I'll elaborate more on in a bit. Right now it's just important to note its presence.
One of my friends is asleep now. He went to bed. The other is sitting in his room (I hope) trying to sleep too. Just minutes ago, that friend was in my room trying to get me to give him the bottle of liquor. This friend is fucked up right now, somehow, off like 5 of these beers. Actually, I don't know how many he had. I only drank one of them, and there is one left over, so it's impossible to guess. The bottle is almost untouched. I mean, there's like one good swig missing and that's it.
But he is just losing it. He's crying and shit, and like begging me for it as he simultaneously asks me not to give it to him
I'm not sure what to even ask. I hate seeing my friend like this. What can I do to help him?
Additional Things:
Entering into a rehab program is pretty much out of the question for numerous reasons that I'd prefer not to get into
If we're caught with alcohol in my building our rental agreement is immediately terminated and we're out the door, so we kinda have to be discreet about it. Yes, I know, we're stupid for drinking under circumstances like that anyway.
DirtyDirtyVagrant on
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like is this what he usually does? regularly? or is this just a random occurence
if this happens regularly, I can't think of much but a program. Short of being with him at all times and restraining him of course, which ain't cool unless you're family or like best buds.
If this is just a one time thing, then there may well be more behind it than alcoholism. Any stressful crap happening in his life? Stress or general freaking out can make people act waaaay differently than usual.
If this is not a regular thing, you might want to try just talking to him about it when he is sober, and considering options from there. No use when he is freaking out as hes probably not in his right mind.
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Take him (don't tell him to go, go with him) to AA. This sounds like budding alcoholism of not a full blown issue already (most full blown alcoholics have a much higher tolerance then that, but its not out of the question, just something that is more often then not true). [to above post] Talking to some one who acts this way (regular or not) sober will not solve much, they will just rationalize and deny till you stop talking about it. Or make loads of empty promises and you will hear/experience far worse in the future.
Thats it, thats how it works. He goes to AA, sticks with it (offer to help him go through the steps if you want, might help you too for some reason...theres more to the twelve steps then stoping/learning controlled drinking) and odds are the problem will be solved.
Yes it could be argued that its different for each person and some people here might not vouch for its effect on them/others. But most of the time it has a startling effect on a persons life, and helps them get a grip on whats good and right in the world. This sounds like a perfect case to get someone into that program.
-Find a meeting
-Go to meeting
-Get sponsor
-Work steps
-Find Freedom from alcohol
Oh and: My name is Anon, and I'm an alcoholic.
So to answer your question its a regular occurrence that happens randomly.
If this was a night off and he was having a good time and when he drinks too many he gets kind of awkward like this but it's usually around good friends who are understanding and not causing scenes out in public places, pushing away significant others, etc. I really can't see this as something that requires you to step in and resolve.
Okay. My name is Crowing and I'm an alcoholic.
-Does he drink alone? This is probably the first and foremost easy sign when someone has a problem.
-Does he drink at inappropriate times? Like at a daytime event or non-drinking function?
-Does he "chomp at the bit" to get started drinking, or does he routinely drink way more than others in a social setting?
That being said, an alcoholic can't help himself when it comes to drinking. If he is making an effort to not drink and succeeding the majority of the time then he actually has a damn good handle on things, comparatively.
It sounds to me like this guy has some issues that need to be addressed, for certain. At the same time, unless he has already passed out of denial and into shame (which are stages of recovery) he sounds as if he could simply be throwing a fit when he drinks.
So far: If he's an alcoholic, he's made the first few steps toward confronting and discontinuing his use.
That being said, AA is always a good, supportive option. If this friend can stay on the narrow on his own then you need to provide support and make it known that you care for him and want to ensure that he isn't doing any of this alone.
Honestly, I think that there is too little information to support a claim of alcoholism as provided in the OP. Habits are formed of patterns, and alcoholism has a very distinct self-destructive pattern. Regardless, this guy can't seem to handle being intoxicated and, at the very least, is unable to control his intake/emotions/desires. All of which points toward a big-p Problem, but is not conclusive in any way.
Talk to him. Base it on what he told you that night. Be prepared for a negative reaction, as no one likes to be the object of an others pity. If this is a regular occurrence, or if there is a larger pattern then your friend may benefit greatly from professional help and communal support.
Anon: Does this count as an e-meeting?
I mean it's certainly excessive, but it doesn't sound like alcoholic territory to me.
He's told me stories about how much he used to drink. He drank so much, he got kicked out of his fraternity. After that he was going to work, coming home, and drinking by himself, every night.
This is the first time in months he's drank. He wants my help. I want to give it to him. I think I can help him stay straight here.
Dirty, its really simple in all reality. Much like Crowing and I said hes showing symptoms. What others don't understand is that there is a fine line between "hey, I'm a heavy drinker who can drink to get drunk all the time but still maintain control over alcohol" and "I have no control, I will go out and get drunk regardless of what the consequences are, I will lose family and friends before I put down the booze".
This is sounding like the beginning, you/he can ignore it and it will continue until he bottoms out and has utterly obliterated his life. Or you can show him to AA and help him read the "Big Book" and get a sponsor and his life will turn a corner. This is a promise. I used to think it was a bunch of hokey crap until I went back out and lost control again.
AA works, you just have to be an addict/alcoholic, and a willingness to surrender. Which it sounds like he is/has.
I realise the intent was to just chill out, but if he's managed to keep himself clean for months at a time of his own volition, maybe the solution is as simple as not drinking around him or with him.
You obviously don't know anyone who's like this. It's an easy fucking trap to fall into.
DDV, I have been dealing with an alcoholic roommate for the past 6 months now. He's been clean for 60 days.
When I moved in with him, I knew about his alcoholism. I just didn't know the extent. He told me that everything was under control, and that it'd be cool. And it genuinely was for a while. Then he started getting depressed and drinking more. It was really fucking scary for a while, but some friends and I are helping him through it.
Basically, tell him to get help. If you have to be discreet about it, fine. If you're worried about him, there's a reason. Help him get better. This may require some lifestyle changes for you as well. For instance, I used to drink every weekend. I haven't drank in probably 3 or 4 months. I know that since I live with him, if I drink, it's temptation for him. We don't even keep alcohol in the house.
My advice to you: get your friends together, and get them all in his corner.
This. This is why I allowed it to happen. I only knew what he had told me, and had no idea what would happen.
This.
I tried AA and didn't stick with it. 13 months ago I just put down the bottle and only fallen off a handful of times. I'm at the point now that I'm able to enjoy a bottle of wine every so often on a Friday night. Mostly due to the fact that my greatest supporter and fan (the missus) is right there with me reminding me how much I have to lose.
That being said, if he consents take him to an AA meeting. While it didn't "do it" for me, the vast majority of people out there can do it because of the help and support the program gives.
If he was sober for awhile he shouldn't have a hard time. Don't drink with/around him and make sure you talk about it. If it wasn't for the support and help of my friends and family I'd still be a pathetic alcoholic living with my parents instead of working an amazingly fulfilling job changing people's lives for the better.
KrunkMcGrunk: That is just fabulous, the fact that you support your room mate and aid him in recovery by not even keeping his temptation in the house is amazing. Few people are willing to go that far to aid some one with an issue like this. I commend you.
DDV: At the very least Krunk offers good advice, talk to your circle of friends and make sure everyone understands what needs to happen with this fellow, don't go out drinking and let him know. If you are going to hang out with him find something to do that doesn't involve getting inebriated. Work with it, not against it.
He also doesn't really sound much like an alcoholic. Everyone is different, and he could be well on his way to establishing patterns of behavior that will lead him to alcoholism. Though being drunk and crying for more booze isn't really "a sign".
There really isn't much you can do until he decides to take care of the problem he's developing himself. A large family of alcoholics showed me one simple thing.
It's not your fault, it's not your problem.
If he asks for it, give him all the help you can. Otherwise the ball is largely on his side of the court.
I wouldn't start thinking or acting like he's an alcoholic either, don't baby him or tell him he's drinking too much unless you really want an argument or some drama. Some people, when they get drunk... just aren't worth being around. I think everyone has a friend or two they know that drinking with is going to result in some stupid, or worse.