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Relationship Troubles, And Things Of The Past
Coal
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, first I'll start with a little backstory. In mid-2004 I met a girl that I basically for almost two years fell head over heels in love with. She was my first serious girlfriend, I suppose. Needless to say after a while we had a few troubles and I ended up splitting up with her (I thought she was cheating on me). I never really found out if it was true or not, but I'd like to think she didn't actually go through with anything because it seemed a little out of character for her.
Anyway, after that I completely cut her out of my life. For a few months I had no contact with her whatsoever, which was heart-wrenching to say the least. I met a new girl but completly read her signs wrong and nothing ever came of that. Then the ex-girlfriend started talking to me again, and we stayed in touch and remained pretty good friends for a while. She got a new boyfriend which (childish as it may be) made me a little upset, so I said some things I've since apologized for and stopped talking to her.
I started a new job and met another new girl and hit things off pretty well. She has a child and everything, but I was pretty enamored with her and we started dating. After about six or seven months of dating, the old ex-girlfriend started talking to me again for about a month. I basically apologized to her for the aforementioned rudeness and all was (seemingly) forgiven. Her new boyfriend wasn't too keen on her talking to me, I suppose since I was an ex-boyfriend and all, so conversations were scarce. Then, out of nowhere, she drops off the face of the freaking earth. I've seen her since then on facebook, and tried to add her, but then she just deletes her facebook. I'm not trying to come off as a creepy stalkerish person or anything (because I'm not) but I just don't really understand why things have come to this when we used to be such good friends, even after splitting apart.
Ever since then, at random intervals for no reason at all I'll dream about her, or she will just come to mind out of nowhere and for long periods of time I will not be able to get her out of my head, try as I might.
That's not the entire problem, though. The relationship I'm in now just isn't the same as the last one I was in (with the ex-girlfriend). It just doesn't seem as whimsical, as emotional as that one did. I'm not trying to sound stupid but it just seems like something big is missing and I have NO idea what it could be. As such I don't really feel like it's fair to the new girl but I don't really know what to do. We've been dating for almost two years now and I've been waiting and waiting for that magic to happen but nothing doing.
Anyway, after that I completely cut her out of my life. For a few months I had no contact with her whatsoever, which was heart-wrenching to say the least. I met a new girl but completly read her signs wrong and nothing ever came of that. Then the ex-girlfriend started talking to me again, and we stayed in touch and remained pretty good friends for a while. She got a new boyfriend which (childish as it may be) made me a little upset, so I said some things I've since apologized for and stopped talking to her.
I started a new job and met another new girl and hit things off pretty well. She has a child and everything, but I was pretty enamored with her and we started dating. After about six or seven months of dating, the old ex-girlfriend started talking to me again for about a month. I basically apologized to her for the aforementioned rudeness and all was (seemingly) forgiven. Her new boyfriend wasn't too keen on her talking to me, I suppose since I was an ex-boyfriend and all, so conversations were scarce. Then, out of nowhere, she drops off the face of the freaking earth. I've seen her since then on facebook, and tried to add her, but then she just deletes her facebook. I'm not trying to come off as a creepy stalkerish person or anything (because I'm not) but I just don't really understand why things have come to this when we used to be such good friends, even after splitting apart.
Ever since then, at random intervals for no reason at all I'll dream about her, or she will just come to mind out of nowhere and for long periods of time I will not be able to get her out of my head, try as I might.
That's not the entire problem, though. The relationship I'm in now just isn't the same as the last one I was in (with the ex-girlfriend). It just doesn't seem as whimsical, as emotional as that one did. I'm not trying to sound stupid but it just seems like something big is missing and I have NO idea what it could be. As such I don't really feel like it's fair to the new girl but I don't really know what to do. We've been dating for almost two years now and I've been waiting and waiting for that magic to happen but nothing doing.
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#2: If you don't really love your current flame, you don't love her and nothing will change that. In the name of moderation however, I should mention that if you've found a Good Woman you may want to hang on to her, because they're not as common as one would like to think. They're not fantastically exciting (see: emotionally dangerous) but they're good, they're honest, and they take care of you when you're sick. Once left, you may discover you miss the second girl more than the first.
#3: Talk to her. Not the ex. The new one. About your feelings - not about the ex.
Eh, don't mean necessarily REPLACE... more like... fill the space.
I'm curious as to why you don't feel the magic with your current though... Is it because you can't let go of your feelings for your ex? You might be blocking out potential feelings because you don't think it could compare to the first time you felt it. (This is wrong.)
Anyway, that's my two cents. I'm sure someone else has shinier pennies.
Then, unfortunately, you grow up.
It took me a few months to "love" my current girlfriend, but I always really REALLY liked her. I think "love" is something you kind of mature and grow into. Are you certain that you will never develop those feelings for this current woman? If you feel that you are just "settling" for someone, then I don't think she's right for you. Just because the relationship doesn't feel like your first one doesn't mean that it's going badly, failing, or is ultimately hopeless.
I know I quite often will be thinking about my current girlfriend, and my first love's name will somehow get in there instead of my current gf's name. She'll always have a special place in my heart, regardless of how much I love my current girlfriend.
1. Yes, you're always going to remember your first relationship, though to be completely fair, you're always going to remember all of them to some degree or another. For me it was my second serious relationship that's stuck with me most, but my first girlfriend from back in my college days does pop into my mind every once in a while (meaning maybe once a month). In any case, if you occassionally think about her, the only thing that is signalling to you is that you're as normal as the rest of us.
And incidentally, being able to remember that is a pretty good thing; it helps you learn from your mistakes, for one thing. And you clearly have made some, and you've acknowledged them and are learning from them. Good for you.
2. There seems to be a vague general intimation coming across the past few posts that as you get older and have more romantic partners that you'll never have quite the same experience of whimsical awe at falling in love with someone. While I know why a lot of people might think that, I assure you it isn't actually true. I'm pushing 30 and had been doing this whole dating thing for quite a long time, so I had assumed for a while that I was never going to have the sort of emotional thrill of being completely swept away by someone again because that's the sort of thing that happens to high schoolers, not adults.
Totally wrong--the moment my former roommate introduced me to my better half and her eyes met mine, I knew she was the woman I was going to marry. And I felt just as giddy waking up next to her this morning as I did 15 years ago when I was a hormonal high schooler flirting awkwardly with the cutest girl in school who happened to sit next to me in English class.
This. I still think about the first girl I ever loved - maybe I'm even still in love a bit. We write sometimes, maybe once a month or so, and keep each other updated.
That first one, wow. For me, falling in love that first time, and really recognizing that thats what it was, I mean, that helped shaped what I think love is- how could any love after be completely removed from that? If I was to be completely honest, I would have to say I've never loved anyone so much.
That first time was pure, and I was young; no emotional baggage, nothing to prejudice it or get in the way - it just was, y'know? Every relationship after will always be slightly colored by the mistakes, realizations and growth of all of the other preceeding ones. Thats just the natural result of experience. I suppose I try to take lessons from that first time, try to keep things separate, try to take each new relationship as it is, without comparing, without bringing in old emotions into the new setting- but its hard, and not always possible.
We are after all, the result of our experiences, and each new love comes to us as we are, not as we were. I can say without question that I am deeply in love with my current girlfriend, and that on its own it is wonderful, fulfilling and amazing. Its not at all like that first time, but then, I'm not like I was that first time either. I have what I need now. I am loved and love in return, for all the things that have shaped my life and brought me to this point- including my past and my past relationships. Things change, and we change with them.
We reminisce sometimes, it's actually sort of weird
My second serious girlfriend fucked my best friend
My third made me wait three months for the first kiss and then dumped me half an hour later
The fourth turned lesbian and shagged this festy bitch-whore called Ksenia
The fifth ALSO FUCKED KSENIA GODDAMMIT
The sixth turned out okay. But man, screw reminiscing.
My first serious relationship was with this kind of crazy girl who lied a lot. She was really sweet, and I have a lot of fond memories of it, but it ended for a reason (lots of reasons, really).
My second serious relationship was with this other girl who I also have a lot of fond memories of. But it didn't work out. And I'm pretty sure that, while I was dating her, I often wistfully reminisced about my first relationship. (#2 was very different from #1, which may have been part of it).
My current relationship is wonderful. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't ever look back, at least not in the sense of "I sure miss that about #1."
I can look back on that period of my life and remember the good times I had, but I consider myself incredibly lucky in my current relationship and, I think because of that, it's just not an issue. (I also don't talk to either of my exes.)
I may be going out on a limb, but it sounds like you are "settling" for your #2 girl. I agree with the other posters that this has less to do with your ex, and more to do with your current relationship. Based on my experience, your #1 would not be an issue if you were dating someone you felt privileged to be with. That said, don't take this as me saying you should break up with your current girlfriend! (I wouldn't marry her, though.)