The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Meta-Advice (Advice about advice)
Overlord's Son
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So my best mate is going to be getting married at the end of the summer. Their in heavy wedding planning mode and all that, her parents have started to spend money on the wedding.
He, however, has confided in me that he isn't all that excited about the wedding anymore, that it's starting to feel a little rushed, and he is uncomfortably aware that he has feelings (though unsure of if they are love, lust or some third thing) for an ex-girlfriend and mutual friend of ours, and he has repeatedly looked to me for advice on what he should do.
He and the ex have never worked in a relationship, though it's plainly obvious they want each other a great deal, when they actually get together things always seem to go to shit. I do not think he could make a lasting go of it with her.
His current girl is great, though he doesn't seem to feel any great passion for her. It's mostly a healthy relationship that he could probably be reasonably happy in for possibly a very long time, as long as the lack of a certain fire doesn't make him crazy.
My initial reaction is that he shouldn't be marrying anyone, and the problems with either girl seems to imply that neither one is the one to marry, but I'm not sure how to relay that in a way which will spur him into action (as he seems to be torn between that which he wants, that which he thinks is right, and that which he thinks he has to do), or even if I should be giving advice on this at all.
He, however, has confided in me that he isn't all that excited about the wedding anymore, that it's starting to feel a little rushed, and he is uncomfortably aware that he has feelings (though unsure of if they are love, lust or some third thing) for an ex-girlfriend and mutual friend of ours, and he has repeatedly looked to me for advice on what he should do.
He and the ex have never worked in a relationship, though it's plainly obvious they want each other a great deal, when they actually get together things always seem to go to shit. I do not think he could make a lasting go of it with her.
His current girl is great, though he doesn't seem to feel any great passion for her. It's mostly a healthy relationship that he could probably be reasonably happy in for possibly a very long time, as long as the lack of a certain fire doesn't make him crazy.
My initial reaction is that he shouldn't be marrying anyone, and the problems with either girl seems to imply that neither one is the one to marry, but I'm not sure how to relay that in a way which will spur him into action (as he seems to be torn between that which he wants, that which he thinks is right, and that which he thinks he has to do), or even if I should be giving advice on this at all.
Overlord's Son on
0
Posts
It's all very lose lose- if you take a stance in going in any particular direction, if that direction happens, you're on the stick for future issues, even if it goes well. If he takes the direction and things go badly, you're in the suck. If he takes the opposite direction and things go badly, you're in the suck. It's all suck, no matter how you play it, because all issues and decisions have positive and negative parts to them, and you get tied to both. Protip: hardly anyone consistantly recognizes the positives.
When it comes to situations like these, I never give 'advice', that is to say I never recommend a course of action. All I do is play a little game of 'how do you feel about that?' and let them come up with thier own answer. Illuminate the questions they have. Find out what they think the answers are. Put a light on bits they might be blind to.
Thing is, he already knows what he's going to do. The rest is finding justification for that course of action. It's only in very rare circumstances that you're going to offer up some bit of info that actually changes the decision. As a good friend, you're only job is to help process some of the details around the situation by talking it through with them- another set of eyes on the same event. When the decision is made, the role changes to being supportive of that decision, so that your friend can try and make his peace with it.
Be objective, be honest, and don't try to sway the choice with your own will. There are always things you wont know or don't get about his personal and private thoughts towards his relationships. That's just a given. I find, that rather than try to take any kind of stand on what is inherently an uninformed or only partially informed decision, its better to simply clarify what you can, and be ready to support the outcome.
This. I could not agree more with Sarcastro. People always know what they want to do, they just need to find enough reason to do it. Do what his post says and try not to worry about it too much.
This isn't always true, but it's true often enough that I've learned to hate it. Some people want advice, but some people want validation for making a decision. And truth be told, the more they need your validation, the worse their decision is going to end up being. Only the most chronically indecisive of people will go looking for validation on simple, non-controversial decisions like "should I have toast or waffles for breakfast?" Usually they want to ask for it on topics like "should I have an affair with this man who treats me really well even if he's married with young children?" (true example). The fact that they're even asking the question in the first place is a pretty strong sign that they've already decided to do it because rational people faced with a question like this immediately realizes that the answer is obviously "no, that would be a stupid idea" and so don't need to solicit anyone else's input.