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Drug Addiction - Don't ignore it.
PeterAndCompany
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I haven't posted on the PA forums in quite some time -- I used to be a regular in the AC section, but have yet to post here specifically. But sometimes you just feel the need to type up what you're thinking, so I figured this would be a good place to do it. This is going to be a VERY large post, as I have a lot to say, so I apologize in advance: I just hope that it will reach those who may need it.
*breathe* ... here goes...
My name's Jonathan Ponikvar, and I've been fighting with Crohn's Disease for well over 7 years now. My entire time through undergraduate studies and now as a graduate student at SCAD's sequential program has been an uphill battle, since I'm unable to take on as heavy a workload as other people. Any excessive stress or intense deadlines cause me to come close to a relapse. I've even been on students with disabilities for over half of my time here, and have been hospitalized twice for pancreatitis caused by my Crohn's.
The last time I was hospitalized, my doctor put me on Tramadol for the pain. This was a little over a year ago. To those who don't know anything about the drug, it is classified as a low-grade controlled substance, rating below the heavier drugs like Vicodin. Even though it is not as regulated a drug as the others, reading up on it shows that it can create opiate-like side effects and runs a moderate risk of dependency. I have never had any sort of a history of addiction -- neither in my own history or that of my family -- so I didn't think anything of my being prescribed a potentially addicting drug. I really should have been more careful.
What I ultimately found was that the drug created a heightened sense of calm and numbness throughout my entire system, both physical and mentally. In times when I would have otherwise been stressing out over deadlines with projects, suddenly I found myself able to get through everything in a soft haze, without any stomach pains or other symptoms. What was supposed to be a temporary "as needed" relief of pain suddenly became the entire basis for my daily functions. Where I was prescribed 4-6 pills a day, I was taking upwards of 10-12.
I became hooked on the stuff, and used the excuse of my lessened Crohn's symptoms to convince my doctor to keep the prescription going for well over a year. I manipulated the system in order to keep my fix, and I never once admitted to myself what was really going on.
It was about six months after my addiction began that I started showing the truly negative symptoms of the drug, some of which were absolutely bizarre. In the midst of the highs, I was developing an increased sense of apathy towards all aspects of my life. Don't relate this to something like smoking pot, with the stereotypical guy in a t-shirt sitting on a couch playing games all day. It was a mental apathy, and truly hard to explain: I just stopped caring altogether about things that were supposed to my entire reason for being where I am at this point in my life, as if I suddenly lacked emotional capacities for them. My personal work ethic took a nosedive, I became less inclined to commit myself to projects and classwork, and found myself completely without any remorse for missed deadlines. My relationship with my fiance even began to suffer as my behavior began to change. The only thing that I focused on -- even passively, through force of habit -- was when the next four hours would pass so I could take another dose.
Eventually the drug itself began to make me physically ill, but I would tell everyone around me that it was just my Crohn's acting up, and would take even more of the drug while acting like "it would help the problem," when it was really the cause. I risked overdosing, but like so many other things, I just couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted to feel good.
Jump forward to just this morning. It was a simple hiccup in the refill system at CVS that caused the pharmacy to contact my doctor. I had stupidly begun trying to squeeze out refills several days before of their scheduled times, and this set up a red flag with the pharmacy. All it took was one phone call to open the doctor's eyes to what was really going on: a drug that I had been taking for over a year on an "as needed" directional basis was actually being taken around-the-clock as a daily regime. I had a hidden dependency, and I was just lucky enough to have a doctor who knew how to handle it.
This morning was one of the most difficult times I've ever had to face, when all of my personal demons came flooding out at once. Prescription drug abuse can affect anyone as I have come to know all too well over the past year. I'm starting clean today, but in my opinion it is entirely too late. I should have had the strength to do this 11 months ago.
I'm writing this in the hopes that it will catch the attention of anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Medical problems cause us to feel frail and look for excuses to restore our strength, either through emotional means or by removing the pain altogether. In my case, I found a false strength through numbness and dug myself into a hole by disconnecting myself from everything of importance in my life. It took all I had in me to just admit to my fiance this morning, "I have an addiction."
In summary:
If you are potentially dependent on an unnecessary medication, do not let it control you. Your life is your own and you cannot allow yourself to risk it. Find the strength to just admit to yourself that it is what it is: not just an addiction, but one that can be cured and removed from your life.
*breathe* ... here goes...
My name's Jonathan Ponikvar, and I've been fighting with Crohn's Disease for well over 7 years now. My entire time through undergraduate studies and now as a graduate student at SCAD's sequential program has been an uphill battle, since I'm unable to take on as heavy a workload as other people. Any excessive stress or intense deadlines cause me to come close to a relapse. I've even been on students with disabilities for over half of my time here, and have been hospitalized twice for pancreatitis caused by my Crohn's.
The last time I was hospitalized, my doctor put me on Tramadol for the pain. This was a little over a year ago. To those who don't know anything about the drug, it is classified as a low-grade controlled substance, rating below the heavier drugs like Vicodin. Even though it is not as regulated a drug as the others, reading up on it shows that it can create opiate-like side effects and runs a moderate risk of dependency. I have never had any sort of a history of addiction -- neither in my own history or that of my family -- so I didn't think anything of my being prescribed a potentially addicting drug. I really should have been more careful.
What I ultimately found was that the drug created a heightened sense of calm and numbness throughout my entire system, both physical and mentally. In times when I would have otherwise been stressing out over deadlines with projects, suddenly I found myself able to get through everything in a soft haze, without any stomach pains or other symptoms. What was supposed to be a temporary "as needed" relief of pain suddenly became the entire basis for my daily functions. Where I was prescribed 4-6 pills a day, I was taking upwards of 10-12.
I became hooked on the stuff, and used the excuse of my lessened Crohn's symptoms to convince my doctor to keep the prescription going for well over a year. I manipulated the system in order to keep my fix, and I never once admitted to myself what was really going on.
It was about six months after my addiction began that I started showing the truly negative symptoms of the drug, some of which were absolutely bizarre. In the midst of the highs, I was developing an increased sense of apathy towards all aspects of my life. Don't relate this to something like smoking pot, with the stereotypical guy in a t-shirt sitting on a couch playing games all day. It was a mental apathy, and truly hard to explain: I just stopped caring altogether about things that were supposed to my entire reason for being where I am at this point in my life, as if I suddenly lacked emotional capacities for them. My personal work ethic took a nosedive, I became less inclined to commit myself to projects and classwork, and found myself completely without any remorse for missed deadlines. My relationship with my fiance even began to suffer as my behavior began to change. The only thing that I focused on -- even passively, through force of habit -- was when the next four hours would pass so I could take another dose.
Eventually the drug itself began to make me physically ill, but I would tell everyone around me that it was just my Crohn's acting up, and would take even more of the drug while acting like "it would help the problem," when it was really the cause. I risked overdosing, but like so many other things, I just couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted to feel good.
Jump forward to just this morning. It was a simple hiccup in the refill system at CVS that caused the pharmacy to contact my doctor. I had stupidly begun trying to squeeze out refills several days before of their scheduled times, and this set up a red flag with the pharmacy. All it took was one phone call to open the doctor's eyes to what was really going on: a drug that I had been taking for over a year on an "as needed" directional basis was actually being taken around-the-clock as a daily regime. I had a hidden dependency, and I was just lucky enough to have a doctor who knew how to handle it.
This morning was one of the most difficult times I've ever had to face, when all of my personal demons came flooding out at once. Prescription drug abuse can affect anyone as I have come to know all too well over the past year. I'm starting clean today, but in my opinion it is entirely too late. I should have had the strength to do this 11 months ago.
I'm writing this in the hopes that it will catch the attention of anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Medical problems cause us to feel frail and look for excuses to restore our strength, either through emotional means or by removing the pain altogether. In my case, I found a false strength through numbness and dug myself into a hole by disconnecting myself from everything of importance in my life. It took all I had in me to just admit to my fiance this morning, "I have an addiction."
In summary:
If you are potentially dependent on an unnecessary medication, do not let it control you. Your life is your own and you cannot allow yourself to risk it. Find the strength to just admit to yourself that it is what it is: not just an addiction, but one that can be cured and removed from your life.
PeterAndCompany on
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People have been known to go into seizures if they exceed the 300 mark in a single day (or even with less than that). I've been extremely lucky up to this point and I'm well overdue to get my head on straight.
Again, please: if anyone reads this and they're going through a similar situation, do not wait to get help. You may not be as lucky as I.
Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight.
That was originally my doc's reasoning behind giving me the prescription in the first place, as he felt it was a "preventative measure." If I'm ever given that choice again, I'll definitely be taking the path that doesn't require unnecessary meds.
I also have had Crohn's Disease. Started getting symptoms at 11 and was diagnosed around the age of 12. I am now 23.
My Crohn's has been from all the way from my mouth, I have had:
Mouth Ulcers.
Abscess.
Obstructions.
Rectal tearing and bleeding.
Diarrhea.
Constipation.
The Crohn's itself goes the whole way down. But flair ups and pain is caused by different things.
History of my worst symptoms:
First signs of pain I got from Crohn's came in the form of a series of abscess's which got to the size of 10 cent pieces (AUD) before finally popping. Doctors didn't want to touch the largest abscess because of the issue with bowl tearing and not healing afterwords. After it popped they put a small tube of plastic though it to keep it draining. Since then I have had other flare ups but it hasn't been anywhere as bad as this one.
This tube has since broken and I don't have this sort of swelling any more.
Currently my pain and discomfort mainly comes directly from eating things like Carrorts, Corn, Potato's and other vegetables, cooked or uncooked it doesn't matter. Eating a spring roll with shreading carrot is just as much of a issue as a raw one. This is from narrowing in my smaller bowl which these sorts of high fiber foods seem to have a hard time getting though. Salads Fruits are good though. Meat is fine.
There have been times in the past where certain vegetables have been missed. Spring rolls will have me 8 hours later on the toilet with an obstruction. Two things that have helped me when this has happened is hunching up into a ball on one of my sides the degree of discomfort that I would go though. Coke has also been a life saver at breaking up the obstruction if its wasn't that bad and I saw the feelings early. But this all comes into proportion to how much of the wrong food i ate 8 Hours ago.
Also I have an fistula that bleeds if i eat too much in one sitting. I Have to watch how much I eat each meal and not over do it. I attempted different creams in the past with little luck. Later I discovered that noodle cups while containing little of anything nutritious could be consumed in large amounts without causing any bleeding or obstructions/pain.
A nasty period a while back I went though a really bad period of constipation. With the issue with vegetables and fibers not really helping because of the obstructions. I tried a few other things, I found that electrolyte based drinks where something that I was able to use to get my bowels moving regularly again.
While I have never had an addiction to a drug I could understand why anyone would take the path you have in attempt to keep some level of normality in your life. Crohn Disease is truly a modern age hell.
What I'm basically saying, is that self control is one of the hardest ways to beat an addiction. You obviously want to, which is wonderful. But ask for help. See if someone close by can give you a hand. Sometimes emotional support is all you need, but someone who's willing to kick your ass if you need it goes much farther.
Just replace Crohn's with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
But I was taking Tramadol daily for over two years. It was the only addiction (aside from cigarettes) that I have ever had.
Very well put man.
Edit: To add just a little bit more: I never really built up much of a tolerance to it, strangely enough. This also means it didn't send up any flags to the doctor/pharmacy. It's very easy to not believe that you're addicted to something when it prescribed to you. It did change my behavior very dramatically over time. The part about numbness and apathy are spot on. I'm still trying to rebuild some bridges that I torched during that part of my life.
So again, more power to you for coming to this realization. Withdrawal is a bitch. I quit cold turkey, because I knew if I had any of it on me, I would be tempted to keep taking it. It took a lot of time, but my life is exponentially better now than it used to be.
Currently painting: Slowly [flickr]
I can really understand how you could get caught up in it, I think you're very brave and hope and pray for your recovery.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."