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Fuck My Life

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    DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited March 2009
    F*** it right in the butt!

    Unknown User on
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    Peter EbelPeter Ebel CopenhagenRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    After all these years I had forgotten that Dislexic was a paedophile.

    Peter Ebel on
    Fuck off and die.
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    DislexicDislexic Creepy Uncle Bad Touch Your local playgroundRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    hell, I just never thought that story'd see the light of day

    Dislexic on
    batsig.jpg
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    KirbithKirbith I appear to be made of delicious cake. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Damn. I love FML, I have actually read through all the posts on the site. And I realize that that's kind of sad haha.


    Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

    Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML


    Reading stuff like that always makes my day. :D

    Kirbith on
    Backloggery | Steam - Kirbith | PSN - Kirbith | 3DS: 4957-2249-4817
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    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    my youngest brother, who is 13, recently complained to me how obsessed girls his age are with twilight

    poor bastard

    when i was in high school girls were obsessed with boy bands

    at least they weren't fictional vampires

    Pony on
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    unintentionalunintentional smelly Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    UPDATE:
    I went out for lunch and it was delicious

    unintentional on
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    The DoctorThe Doctor Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While Im brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

    The Doctor on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    you know what was pretty fun

    when we used to take posts off of grouphug and illustrate them in ms paint

    these leave less room for imagination and are less funny as a result

    Saturday afternoon shenanigans are the best shenanigans and I would be all for it. Unfortunately, everybody is probably out viewing a certain movie today.

    Bastards.

    Here, because I can't draw:
    780387618

    i still love him





    721109Edward%20Cullen%203.jpg

    I feel dirty now.

    Darth Waiter on
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    TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    **************************************

    TheySlashThem on
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    DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

    HAHAH

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    It's funny cause 13 is definitely past the age where you just say silly things

    That mother must have shit herself

    Alpine on
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    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Teslan26 wrote: »
    Alpine wrote: »
    http://www.fmylife.com


    Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML


    Curious - my google toolbar, and youtube too, definitely auto complete with things I did not search for.

    'fli' gave me:


    flickr
    flight times
    flight of the conchords (that was me :p)
    flip video

    etc.

    Just saying.....

    it doesnt show anything dirty

    like type in fuck

    tugga on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

    GAAAAAAAHHH!

    Darth Waiter on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    robothero wrote: »
    F*** it right in the butt!
    I'm fucking your a$$.

    Ness445 on
    4445.gif
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    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

    GAAAAAAAHHH!

    fuck that

    tugga on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I don't think it's talking about google's auto complete, it's your browser remembering the search history

    Alpine on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The top flops are the best part.
    Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML
    o_O

    jackal on
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    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

    GAAAAAAAHHH!

    oh jesus ack

    Pony on
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    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Alpine wrote: »
    I don't think it's talking about google's auto complete, it's your browser remembering the search history

    exactly thats why its funny

    also
    Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes." FML

    im going to do this to my kids everyday

    tugga on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    tugga wrote: »
    Alpine wrote: »
    I don't think it's talking about google's auto complete, it's your browser remembering the search history

    exactly thats why its funny

    also
    Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes." FML
    im going to do this to my kids everyday
    it's shocking how we both plan on absoutely torturing any eventual children mentally.

    Ness445 on
    4445.gif
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

    Burn

    Oh man ouch:
    Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

    Alpine on
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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, "well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at." The nurse laughed. FML

    What the fuck?!?

    No wonder they tried to kill themselves...

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
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    Teslan26Teslan26 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    tugga wrote: »

    it doesnt show anything dirty

    like type in fuck

    Ah, correct you are, though I swear I saw something dodgey before and not anything I had done....

    Teslan26 on
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    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML
    Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

    HAHAHA Oh shit.

    Nerindil on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

    BARF.

    Darth Waiter on
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    OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

    hahahahahaha

    Orikaeshigitae on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

    hahahahahaha

    The police didn't buy that story, and neither do I.

    jackal on
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    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    aaaaaaaaaack

    Pony on
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    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    kids are fucking fantastic

    tugga on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

    Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

    Darth Waiter on
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    TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
    oh my god

    TheySlashThem on
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    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    some of these are just some of the sickest burns i have ever read

    i don't even care if they are true, i am just like "god damn"

    for example:
    Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

    Pony on
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    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. Turns out he already came. I call his phone - wrong number. FML

    jizz-in-my-pants-andy-samberg1.jpg

    Nerindil on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

    hahahahahaha
    this is beyond fantastic, I can only echo your laughter.

    Ness445 on
    4445.gif
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    FugaFuga Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, "well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at." The nurse laughed. FML

    What the fuck?!?

    No wonder they tried to kill themselves...

    Probably fake.

    Fuga on
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    LarlarLarlar consecutive normal brunches Moderator, ClubPA Mod Emeritus
    edited March 2009
    klok wrote: »
    Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

    I don't think this can be topped.

    Larlar on
    iwantanswers3.png
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Man I'm reading some of these that are hardcore retarded

    Why am I even reading these

    oh wait because they're even more pathetic than I am, score

    P.S. Half of them are definitely fake

    Edcrab on
    cBY55.gifbmJsl.png
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    KirbithKirbith I appear to be made of delicious cake. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    This is one of my favorites, ever.

    Today, my husband found the box my morning after pill came in. He had a vasectomy 10 years ago. FML

    Kirbith on
    Backloggery | Steam - Kirbith | PSN - Kirbith | 3DS: 4957-2249-4817
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    NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    Larlar wrote: »
    klok wrote: »
    Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

    I don't think this can be topped.

    Laughing so hard right now.

    Nads on
    3c5d24e9-b7f2-44ba-bbf2-3b4658af70bd.jpg
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she randomly asked me "does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked "does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

    I love it.
    Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

    Incest is best.
    Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

    Glorious.
    Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

    Rock on, Gam-Gam.

    Darth Waiter on
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