Options

Fuck My Life

1356762

Posts

  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Larlar wrote: »
    klok wrote: »
    Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

    I don't think this can be topped.

    it's even a believable typo, given the proximity of the T key to the G key and how the brain fills in words when a person is typing

    Pony on
  • Options
    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
    oh my god

    oh god indeed.

    that might be the most depressing thing ever.

    The_Scarab on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML
    Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    RialeRiale I'm a little slow Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I drove to Bank of America to deposit money. Upon returning to my car I saw some random new scratches on the front. I proceeded to kick and rub it to try and get rid of it. Then I notice someone in the car staring at me in bewilderment. I'd parked 2 spaces away. We have the same car. FML

    I always worry I'm gonna do something like this.

    Riale on
    33c9nxz.gif
    Steam | XBL: Elazual | Last.fm
  • Options
    CristovalCristoval Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, "well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at." The nurse laughed. FML

    Ah-haha!

    Today I do not know if I should see Watchmen another two times or stay in bed and nurse my sickness.

    Cristoval on
  • Options
    OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

    nostrils

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • Options
    LarlarLarlar consecutive normal brunches Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

    nostrils

    find a guy who jerks off five times a day and get his curved dong hooked around your septum

    yeah baby

    Larlar on
  • Options
    FugaFuga Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

    haha

    Fuga on
  • Options
    OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    i.. that doesn't curve your dong, larlar. you were born that way.

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

    Why am I laughing so hard at this?

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    oh man

    this one
    Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in 3 days. FML

    Pony on
  • Options
    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fuga wrote: »
    Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

    haha

    hhahahaha

    tugga on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

    pfffffffffffffthahahahahahahaha!

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    oh man

    this one
    Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in 3 days. FML

    some parents are so shitty

    tugga on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML
    Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of no where and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says "I always knew you were a whore." FML

    No words. They should have sent a poet.....

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

    hahahah if i saw this in real life i would never stop laughing

    tugga on
  • Options
    NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

    I cannot fucking breathe right now.

    Nads on
    3c5d24e9-b7f2-44ba-bbf2-3b4658af70bd.jpg
  • Options
    NuzakNuzak Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fuga wrote: »
    Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

    haha

    holy shit

    Nuzak on
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

    Pony on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

    Fantastic.

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Oh, holy shit.
    Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

    :^::^::^:

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and her little daughter, who said "Mommy, why is she so dressed up so early in the morning?" and the mom replied "Because honey, she makes bad decisions." FML

    Pony on
  • Options
    DJ EebsDJ Eebs Moderator, Administrator admin
    edited March 2009
    tugga wrote: »
    Pony wrote: »
    oh man

    this one
    Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in 3 days. FML

    some parents are so shitty

    what? no, that's awesome

    DJ Eebs on
  • Options
    CristovalCristoval Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

    This is my greatest fear when it comes to having children.

    Cristoval on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML

    Looks like an Electra Complex to me.

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    KirbithKirbith I appear to be made of delicious cake. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    Today, I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and her little daughter, who said "Mommy, why is she so dressed up so early in the morning?" and the mom replied "Because honey, she makes bad decisions." FML

    Can't.. stop.. laughing. She deserved it, but still hilarious. :lol:

    Kirbith on
    Backloggery | Steam - Kirbith | PSN - Kirbith | 3DS: 4957-2249-4817
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those 70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML
    Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

    These two should hook up.

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

    if anything, that's a great conversation starter

    PiptheFair on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to new jersey from China two months ago. FML

    GIS for 'Asian Retard' is sadly lacking.

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

    tugga on
  • Options
    NerindilNerindil Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

    Nerindil on
  • Options
    LoomdunLoomdun Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML
    lol!!!! How ironic that I get that

    Loomdun on
    splat
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

    A likely story.

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Okay, this took balls.
    Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

    Darth Waiter on
  • Options
    FugaFuga Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be bitchy about it and say "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me. FML

    Fuga on
  • Options
    Penguin IncarnatePenguin Incarnate King of Kafiristan Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Okay, this took balls.
    Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML
    That kid has got style.

    Penguin Incarnate on
This discussion has been closed.