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Fuck My Life

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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

    Wewease Wodewick.
    Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

    A Kodak moment.
    Today, I took the subway to school and the man across from me would not stop staring at my breasts. Finally the train came to my stop, so as I got up I said "Nothing to see now, asshole", but then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off too. He was blind. FML

    Please, God, let me remember to fake blind on the bus someday.
    Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

    Is this even a problem?
    Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML

    It's like everything I ever wanted in a joke.

    Darth Waiter on
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    CristovalCristoval Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

    Man, if I had a nickle for everytime...

    Cristoval on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    She didn't notice Wyan mispwonouncing everwy othew wowd he spoke? Obviouswy fake.

    jackal on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I don't think these are here to be examined in detail

    These are here to make you go "AWWWW HELLL NAW" or roll your eyes at them

    Edcrab on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidently texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiance, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

    Totally stealing this line.

    Darth Waiter on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Cut me a bweak. I nevew solved Encwopedia Bwown's when I was a kid. This is aww I have.

    jackal on
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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Old joke is old, and Keith, I don't mean to be a dick, but:

    Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
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    ShimShamShimSham Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML
    My ribs are killing me because I was laughing so hard. I can't stop.

    ShimSham on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    jackal wrote: »
    Cut me a bweak. I nevew solvd Encwopedia Bwown's when I was a kid. This is aww I have.
    it HAD to be him because he claimed to be taking a hot shower, yet he also claims he saw the (whatever ridiculous small-time crimine was) committer with his mirror!

    Condensation makes this impossible.

    Sometimes I frighten myself by actually remembering some ridiculously small, random detail of my childhood.

    Ness445 on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

    Brilliant.
    Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

    What a whiny little bitch.

    Darth Waiter on
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    LoomdunLoomdun Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

    Loomdun on
    splat
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML

    What a whiny little bitch.

    He should count himself lucky it wasn't a brothel


    ...damn it now I'm analysing them I need to leave this thread alone

    Edcrab on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Loomdun wrote: »
    Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

    I would have had to get my wife to text back, "Stop texting us. I'm almost there." :winky:

    jackal on
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    LoomdunLoomdun Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML
    Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

    k i'm done lol

    Loomdun on
    splat
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

    Timing is everything.
    Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

    Yet another life lesson in learning how to manage your own computer.
    Today, I was presenting a powerpoint. As I plugged in the cord that connected my computer to the projector, I had forgotten what my boyfriend had set my desktop picture to the night before. I opened my laptop and projected on the wall was me nude. I go to Catholic school. FML

    Make that two lessons.
    Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

    Yesssssssss.

    Darth Waiter on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the constructor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

    Ones like that make me happy because all women are whores. You hear me, all women? Stop being whores.

    Fiz on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

    I am now quite curious.

    Darth Waiter on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

    There is no way this is the entire story. I think the most likely situation is he bought it on their credit card without asking, and they were making a point that went completely over his head.

    jackal on
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    TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    fiz you are the whoriest whore of all whoredom

    TheySlashThem on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Also, I have to say that for every nugget of comedy gold, there have to be at least ten whiny little boyfriend/girlfriend/high school crush entries and I'm getting a little sick of it. But if you want gold, I guess you have to sift through shit.

    Darth Waiter on
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    Bad-BeatBad-Beat Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Loomdun wrote: »
    Today, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML
    Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

    k i'm done lol

    We've all been there


    ...tell me we've all been there!

    Bad-Beat on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Bad-Beat wrote: »
    Loomdun wrote: »
    Today, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML
    Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

    k i'm done lol

    We've all been there


    ...tell me we've all been there!

    I knew a guy who who realized his gf was watching the basketball game when he was going down on her.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nope, never been there. Nor have I ever heard, "Done? Already?"

    Darth Waiter on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    fiz you are the whoriest whore of all whoredom

    But I don't use my giant titts to try to get out of shit

    And my titts are huge so they probably could

    Fiz on
    juggcat.jpg
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    LardalishLardalish Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Also, I have to say that for every nugget of comedy gold, there have to be at least ten whiny little boyfriend/girlfriend/high school crush entries and I'm getting a little sick of it. But if you want gold, I guess you have to sift through shit.

    Or just read this thread.

    Lardalish on
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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Butters wrote: »
    Fuck my wife please.

    neville on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Sweet, sweet irony.
    Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob (I don't normally do it because I have a fear of getting squirt in the eye). Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bite the wrong spot and get lemon juice shot right into my eye. FML
    Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML
    Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML
    Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Before
    Today, I was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he told me I was in luck. When I asked why he replied, "I like little boobs." FML

    After
    rol32909-1.jpg

    Fiz on
    juggcat.jpg
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Also, I have to say that for every nugget of comedy gold, there have to be at least ten whiny little boyfriend/girlfriend/high school crush entries and I'm getting a little sick of it. But if you want gold, I guess you have to sift through shit.

    Yeah I'm not touching the site with an internet stick but I shall trust you to be the Terribad Prospector in the hills of emoshit

    Although mostly I'm sad this thread doesn't have the likes of you and Pony posting life stories 'cos you guys have a way with words

    Edcrab on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Poor Stale:
    Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nerindil wrote: »
    Oh, holy shit.
    Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

    :^::^::^:

    HAHA.
    Okay, this took balls.
    Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

    Ok, that's great. Unlikely, but great.

    neville on
    nevillexmassig1.png
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Also, I have to say that for every nugget of comedy gold, there have to be at least ten whiny little boyfriend/girlfriend/high school crush entries and I'm getting a little sick of it. But if you want gold, I guess you have to sift through shit.

    Yeah I'm not touching the site with an internet stick but I shall trust you to be the Terribad Prospector in the hills of emoshit

    Although mostly I'm sad this thread doesn't have the likes of you and Pony posting life stories 'cos you guys have a way with words

    My stories get old after a bit, although it is fun to toss stuff out there when it pops into my brain. Nine times out of ten, it's just lurking back there and then somebody will post something and *BLAMMO* story time.

    Darth Waiter on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Poor Stale:
    Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

    See this is where you knock on her door and when she answers you're there with one of your biggest buddies holding you upright

    Does anyone remember Highs and Lows? That was a website that was 80% emoshit but had some absolute gems of poetic justice on there

    And I'm not just saying that because I contributed once or twice

    Edcrab on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Jesus, I can't stop laughing:
    Today, I woke up happy because I'd met the man of my dreams at a bar. We had shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he'd went. Turns out, he was gone. So was my car. FML
    Today, I was looking down at my paper in class and my spanish teacher asked if I was sleeping or not. I'm Asian. My eyes were open. FML
    Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML
    Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML
    Today, a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked: "Mommy, when it's not a man and it's not a woman, what is it then?" FML
    Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML
    Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML
    Today, I took a massive dump at work and proceeded to clog an industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she proceeded to run out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I'm imagining that they're all from the same guy which makes it even better

    Edcrab on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Another gem:
    Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out : "Are you having fun ?" FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    tuggatugga Makin' movies Makin' songsRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz your sig makes me happier every time you post

    tugga on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was just wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and um...stuff. FML

    D:D:D:D:D:D:D:

    Fiz on
    juggcat.jpg
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
    Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML
    Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML
    Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML
    Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML
    Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    101101 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

    ahahahaha

    101 on
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