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Fuck My Life

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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my boyfriend gave me a card for my birthday and told me to open it 10 minutes after he leaves. I waited 5, in the card it said "it's not working out, but here's 20$". FML

    Stealing this one too.

    Darth Waiter on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML
    Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought i was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML
    Today, as I was bringing my 3 year old daughter back from daycare, she asked me where her dad was. I tried to explain that I was her father, but she answered "Not you, my other Daddy!". I've got some talking to do tonight... FML
    Today, After I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML
    Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

    hahahaha

    Alpine on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

    ooooohhh nooooo
    Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

    Alpine on
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    RialeRiale I'm a little slow Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

    totally rad

    Riale on
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    MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Riale wrote: »
    Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

    totally rad

    Damn, and I thought high fiving my wife after sex was bad.

    Moriveth on
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    TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    mori that is awesome

    TheySlashThem on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, the girl I have been in love with for 4 years just told me she is pregnant. The only problem is it's not mine. It's my worst enemy's. FML

    Who has worst enemies anymore

    Alpine on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Alpine wrote: »
    Today, the girl I have been in love with for 4 years just told me she is pregnant. The only problem is it's not mine. It's my worst enemy's. FML

    Who has worst enemies anymore

    I have rivals, but I don't know if I would classify anybody as a "worst enemy"

    But it is fucking awesome to have rivals. Like I am living in my own little pokemon world

    Fiz on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    tugga wrote: »
    Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, "Now isn't a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes." FML

    im going to do this to my kids everyday

    Come on, though, really? Your dad is supposed to be doing that. That's OK. It becomes FML when you see it and oh hey he's being mounted by a barnyard animal. Just "dad is having sex with mom" is entirely OK and if you're old enough to drive, you should probably have figured out how you were made.

    Defender on
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    FugaFuga Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Damn it Darth, I unspoilered the last picture in the post that your sig takes to.
    bastard

    Fuga on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
    Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having sex with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

    This one seems fake. He's currently having sex with her AND she is 6 months pregnant? It seems like at some point you would want to stop

    Like when the fetus starts giving you head

    Fiz on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    Alpine wrote: »
    Today, the girl I have been in love with for 4 years just told me she is pregnant. The only problem is it's not mine. It's my worst enemy's. FML

    Who has worst enemies anymore

    I have rivals, but I don't know if I would classify anybody as a "worst enemy"

    But it is fucking awesome to have rivals. Like I am living in my own little pokemon world

    At this point, I think that "enemy" is appropriate.

    Wait, no it's not, because I bet this girl's relationship with both of them is just casual fucking.

    Wait, that's not right either, because this was probably written by a goddamn eight-year-old.

    Defender on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
    Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having sex with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

    This one seems fake. He's currently having sex with her AND she is 6 months pregnant? It seems like at some point you would want to stop

    Like when the fetus starts giving you head

    There is nothing wrong with having sex while 6 months pregnant. You can pretty much have sex up until you go into labor.

    jackal on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
    Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having sex with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

    This one seems fake. He's currently having sex with her AND she is 6 months pregnant? It seems like at some point you would want to stop

    Like when the fetus starts giving you head

    Unless the fetus is female.

    Defender on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Defender wrote: »
    Fiz wrote: »
    Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
    Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having sex with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML
    This one seems fake. He's currently having sex with her AND she is 6 months pregnant? It seems like at some point you would want to stop

    Like when the fetus starts giving you head

    Unless the fetus is female.
    I have to wonder what a psychologist's reaction to discovering one of their patients has a sexual fantasy involving recieving oral sex from a fetus while having sex with their pregnant wife.

    I realize that I could likely find something like this with the right google search, but I value my sanity.

    Ness445 on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Defender wrote: »
    Fiz wrote: »
    Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
    Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having sex with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

    This one seems fake. He's currently having sex with her AND she is 6 months pregnant? It seems like at some point you would want to stop

    Like when the fetus starts giving you head

    Unless the fetus is female.

    The Defender Threesome

    Fiz on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

    The best thing about this one is that it has hundreds of comments from other girls with the same thing and they are talking about the medical condition that causes it

    Fiz on
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    GoatmonGoatmon Companion of Kess Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

    oooops

    Goatmon on
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    MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

    Moriveth on
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    GodfatherGodfather Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

    Godfather on
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    RandiRandi Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML
    Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

    Randi on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    It's odd how people click "you deserved that one" on some that were not the victims fault at all, that annoys me.

    Also the "I was kissed by a hottie then found out she blew my friend" one

    uggh

    why do people do these things

    The Black Hunter on
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    Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    so, i just found out i can fit an entire standard sized metal slinky over my hand and on to my arm.

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    so, i just found out i can fit an entire standard sized metal slinky over my hand and on to my arm.
    bendery I'm not sure this is the correct thread, though I don't really see any alternatives.

    Congratulations?

    Ness445 on
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    Bad-BeatBad-Beat Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Randi wrote: »
    Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up!". FML
    Today, I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It's a well known fact that I'm competitive and tend to hip check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and The Nana. I won. The Nana has a broken hip. FML

    I question the authenticity of those but not the hilarity.

    Bad-Beat on
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    Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I was thinking of maybe using a series of Slinky... slinkies? to construct a suit of armor.

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I got stuck in a suit of armor made of slinkies. It took six hours to cut me out. FML

    jackal on
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    Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    jackal wrote: »
    Today, I got stuck in a suit of armor made of slinkies. It took six hours to cut me out. FML

    hardly, I have a Dremel

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    is slinkies the proper form of pluralizing Slinky?

    It's a brand name as well, further adding to the confusion. Aid me Wikipedia!

    Ness445 on
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    Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Ness445 wrote: »
    is slinkies the proper form of pluralizing Slinky?

    It's a brand name as well, further adding to the confusion. Aid me Wikipedia!

    I'm guessing that it's much like Lego.

    The plural of Lego is Lego, so Slinky must be Slinky

    A series of Slinky

    Bendery It Like Beckham on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Bendery, show me your cock.

    Fiz on
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    Airking850Airking850 Ottawa, ONRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Worst case scenario, Bendery has someone give him a push in the direction of a hospital and he cartwheels all the way there.

    Airking850 on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    Bendery, show me your cock.
    One of these days the only advice I'm going to have for you is "be careful what you wish for.".

    but I don't guess today is that day?

    Ness445 on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Ness445 wrote: »
    Fiz wrote: »
    Bendery, show me your cock.
    One of these days the only advice I'm going to have for you is "be careful what you wish for.".

    but I don't guess today is that day?
    Today, I got an erection while trying to take a picture of my penis inside a series of mini slinkies. The ER nurse said they see this all the time. It was kind of her to lie to me. FML

    jackal on
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    TillTill Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

    Till on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Till wrote: »
    Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

    You know, these always seem really weird to me because I am a homo and I always go into these thinking about two guys. How queer

    Fiz on
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    zimfanzimfan Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    haha oh man that's great

    edit: @jackal

    zimfan on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    Till wrote: »
    Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

    You know, these always seem really weird to me because I am a homo and I always go into these thinking about two guys. How queer
    Though with this perspective they are typically funnier, if a bit expected.

    Ness445 on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    That FML assumes that the only person in the world named Brittany is his sister. Ridiculous.

    Redeemer's little brother has the same name as me so we agreed that he would never have to call me it >_>

    Fiz on
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    TillTill Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

    D:

    Till on
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