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Fuck My Life

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    101101 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

    Truth hurts

    101 on
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    TillTill Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

    Till on
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    TillTill Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    That's for the stars to decide.

    Till on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fuga wrote: »
    Damn it Darth, I unspoilered the last picture in the post that your sig takes to.
    bastard

    As previously discussed, it is my Magnum Opus.

    Darth Waiter on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, when my boyfriend and I were lying in bed, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

    Knob?

    Knob.

    Darth Waiter on
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    jackaljackal Fuck Yes. That is an orderly anal warehouse. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fuga wrote: »
    Damn it Darth, I unspoilered the last picture in the post that your sig takes to.
    bastard

    As previously discussed, it is my Magnum Opus.

    I laughed so hard.

    jackal on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Till wrote: »
    That's for the stars to decide.
    all astrology has ever taught me is that as a Leo I was in some odd ways a Christmas present to my father.

    actually I guess Virgos are more like that.

    edit: August 20th is Leo right? I'm not up on this shit...

    Ness445 on
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    CristoCristo Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML

    How the hell does that work?

    He thought he was in a serious relationship and she didn't?

    Most of these are the most outrageous bullshit stories.

    Cristo on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I love Pathos.
    Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML
    Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML
    Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML
    Today, I was sitting at home, venting to my parents about how I never get asked out by any of the guys at school. My Dads words of wisdom were "Don't worry, looks don't matter so much in college. Once they've had a few beers in them, they'll date anything." FML
    Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML
    Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML
    Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I love Pathos.
    Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

    huh, milking parlor?

    I must say I wasn't aware of the common term for such a facility or that even such facilities existed, though of course I suppose they have to.

    Ness445 on
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    BogeyBogey I'm back, baby! Santa Monica, CAModerator Mod Emeritus
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML
    Wow.

    Just...wow.

    Bogey on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    These two are blowing my mind in completely polar opposite ways.
    Today, was the first time I saw a man's sex organs in real life. I was in anatomy dissection class and had to pull the cadaver's testicles out of his scrotum. FML
    Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I call 'BULLSHIT' on these:
    Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major, he promptly said NEXT and moved on to the girl beside me. FML
    Today, I gave my girlfriend non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech she tells me I have the body of a monk seal. She then takes my keys, staggers to my car, and drives away. She crashed into a tree 2 blocks later. She's fine. FML
    Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

    I totally believe this one.
    Today, when my boyfriend was about to orgasm, I suddenly sneezed all over his face. FML

    Darth Waiter on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    that last one sounds almost too plausible.

    Like not even from the same website.

    Ness445 on
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    zimfanzimfan Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    man if you got to sneeze you got to sneeze

    ain't gotta be a thang

    zimfan on
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    Dorktron9000Dorktron9000 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    So it's grouphug all over again?

    Dorktron9000 on
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    Charles KinboteCharles Kinbote Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I find slightly outlandish and kinda funny ones WAY funnier than super hilarious and entirely unbelievable ones

    Charles Kinbote on
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    Auntie ShibbyAuntie Shibby Horrible Visalia, CARegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    Should I post some stories on that website and see if you guys can pick them out?

    Auntie Shibby on
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    T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I find slightly outlandish and kinda funny ones WAY funnier than super hilarious and entirely unbelievable ones

    Now say that again and think about what your saying...

    T. J. Nutty Nub on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I find slightly outlandish and kinda funny ones WAY funnier than super hilarious and entirely unbelievable ones

    Now say that again and think about what your saying...

    your = belonging to you

    Defender on
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    T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Defender wrote: »
    I find slightly outlandish and kinda funny ones WAY funnier than super hilarious and entirely unbelievable ones

    Now say that again and think about what your saying...

    your = belonging to you

    Dammit, I usually don't make that mistake

    T. J. Nutty Nub on
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    OmeksOmeks Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I like this thread a lot. Over half of these things are definitely fake, but still funny.
    Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML
    Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML
    Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone boo'ed. FML
    Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

    Omeks on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Omeks wrote: »
    Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

    Oh I do enjoy this.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    FizFiz Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I found my kitchen gloves in my sons sock drawer and his computer was full of fisting porn. FML

    That's probably where her crisco went too

    Fiz on
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    Charles KinboteCharles Kinbote Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I find slightly outlandish and kinda funny ones WAY funnier than super hilarious and entirely unbelievable ones

    Now say that again and think about what your saying...

    you are stupid!

    Charles Kinbote on
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    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    I found my kitchen gloves in my sons sock drawer and his computer was full of fisting porn. FML

    That's probably where her crisco went too

    What a stupid son.

    Password protect your fisting porn folder you idiot.

    The_Scarab on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    I found my kitchen gloves in my sons sock drawer and his computer was full of fisting porn. FML

    That's probably where her crisco went too

    You know, you should at least make these believable. I mean, like, you found your gloves out of place so you then ran to his computer to do a porn sweep and you watched the videos (or read a bunch of descriptive filenames)? And even then, like...so your son is old enough to have sex, because you don't need kitchen gloves to jerk off to fisting porn (in fact, it's probably more difficult with them), but young enough that he lives in your house and apparently can't buy his own gloves? And, really, you didn't just go "eww gross now I gotta buy new gloves" and move on?

    Come on, people. This is the Internet. We gotta be top-shelf!

    Defender on
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    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    This is the internet. We gotta be sock-drawer!

    The_Scarab on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I think the implication is that the son used the gloves to fist himself rather than jerk off while wearing them

    You know, keep it clean

    Basically the site is starting to annoy me now because it's mostly fake and/or whiny


    Much like YOUR FACE, Scarab, you IMAX-accessing git

    Edcrab on
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    Der Waffle MousDer Waffle Mous Blame this on the misfortune of your birth. New Yark, New Yark.Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    So, this is like, a slightly less depressing grouphug?

    Der Waffle Mous on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    The_Scarab wrote: »
    This is the internet. We gotta be sock-drawer!

    Noooo that's where I keep my self-fisting glove!

    Defender on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    I think the implication is that the son used the gloves to fist himself rather than jerk off while wearing them

    You know, keep it clean

    Basically the site is starting to annoy me now because it's mostly fake and/or whiny


    Much like YOUR FACE, Scarab, you IMAX-accessing git

    I see that implication, but...OK, I'm not into fisting or anything, but...like, CAN you even fist yourself?

    Defender on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    What can I personally?

    Well let me get my webcam set up and if you transfer the money to my paypal we'll see what I can do

    Edcrab on
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    OmeksOmeks Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Defender wrote: »
    Edcrab wrote: »
    I think the implication is that the son used the gloves to fist himself rather than jerk off while wearing them

    You know, keep it clean

    Basically the site is starting to annoy me now because it's mostly fake and/or whiny


    Much like YOUR FACE, Scarab, you IMAX-accessing git

    I see that implication, but...OK, I'm not into fisting or anything, but...like, CAN you even fist yourself?

    Maybe the gloves went on a fisting machine.

    Which, seeing as how this one was likely fake anyway, would have been a wonderfully over-the-top addition to have been found in his closet.

    Omeks on
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    AirAir Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    nothing is so arousing as the sight of a beautiful lady with one hand completely immersed within herself

    Air on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, in a horrible follow-up to my earlier submission, I found a gigantic automated fisting machine in my son's closet. Also, a dead hooker. FML

    Edcrab on
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    T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she randomly asked me "does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked "does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?"

    T. J. Nutty Nub on
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    MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fiz wrote: »
    Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
    Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having sex with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

    This one seems fake. He's currently having sex with her AND she is 6 months pregnant? It seems like at some point you would want to stop

    Like when the fetus starts giving you head

    Did you know that if you're getting close to your due date and the baby isn't ready yet they recommend sex to try and move things along

    Sex is safe throughout the pregnancy, really

    Moriveth on
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    ProjeckProjeck Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, for the 25th time, an Indian called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having sex. FML

    Projeck on
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    T. J. Nutty Nub T. J. Nutty Nub Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

    T. J. Nutty Nub on
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