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Fuck My Life

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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Anyone who leaves their mobile phone on and answers it during sex deserves whatever they get

    Seriously, so fake

    Edcrab on
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    unintentionalunintentional smelly Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Anyone who leaves their mobile phone on and answers it during sex deserves whatever they get

    Seriously, so fake

    What if he's an idiot

    unintentional on
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    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Anyone who leaves their mobile phone on and answers it during sex deserves whatever they get

    Seriously, so fake

    Hands-free kit.

    The_Scarab on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Anyone who leaves their mobile phone on and answers it during sex deserves whatever they get

    Seriously, so fake

    What if he's an idiot

    Then he'd also have a "my girlfriend dumped me because I kept answering my phone while I was inside her" follow-up posted someplace

    Edcrab on
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    unintentionalunintentional smelly Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Anyone who leaves their mobile phone on and answers it during sex deserves whatever they get

    Seriously, so fake

    What if he's an idiot

    Then he'd also have a "my girlfriend dumped me because I kept answering my phone while I was inside her" follow-up posted someplace

    Or his girlfriend could have a "oh my boyfriend doesn't like me he keeps answering his phone"
    and then they could see each others

    :winky:

    unintentional on
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    MonkeyfeetMonkeyfeet Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    What if he is a Doctor. Important phone calls come up all the time that you just have to take. Or he might be a Gigolo

    Monkeyfeet on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Whichever of you guys said to go see watchmen earlier

    It was fucking awesome

    Alpine on
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    ProjeckProjeck Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML
    Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

    Projeck on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Monkeyfeet wrote: »
    What if he is a Doctor. Important phone calls come up all the time that you just have to take. Or he might be a Gigolo

    Doctor Gigolo

    Saving lives and then boning people, for added life affirmation

    Edcrab on
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    unintentionalunintentional smelly Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Monkeyfeet wrote: »
    What if he is a Doctor. Important phone calls come up all the time that you just have to take. Or he might be a Gigolo

    Doctor Gigolo

    Saving lives and then boning people, for added life affirmation

    I smell a fantasy-sequence worthy of Scrubs!

    unintentional on
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    ProjeckProjeck Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

    Projeck on
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    MonkeyfeetMonkeyfeet Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Projeck wrote: »
    Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

    This is a good one

    Monkeyfeet on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    So good that Darth posted it on page 3 good


    wait brb, my Doctor Gigolo phone is going off

    I need to go pack someone's bullet hole and first I need to check whether that's a euphemism

    Edcrab on
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    LardalishLardalish Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Yeah, thats the problem with these threads. FML isnt that long so people eventually run out of new ones to post.

    I swear we had one of these threads just a couple months ago.

    Lardalish on
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    unintentionalunintentional smelly Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Yeah, but new people see it every time and enjoy the hilarity :)

    unintentional on
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    Centipede DamascusCentipede Damascus Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    this is seriously the best one
    Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML

    Centipede Damascus on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Lardalish wrote: »
    Yeah, thats the problem with these threads. FML isnt that long so people eventually run out of new ones to post.

    I swear we had one of these threads just a couple months ago.

    I'm pretty sure I saw something akin to a good and bad moments thread

    That is, people were encouraged to post a fuck-awful event from their lives and then follow-up with the exact opposite. I'd have some good shit for that kind of thread

    Edcrab on
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    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Projeck wrote: »
    Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

    That's when you tell her that's how much she's probably worth, cheap whore.

    The_Scarab on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    this is seriously the best one
    Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML

    This is believable.

    Defender on
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    AlpineAlpine Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I waited two hours for my turn in the hospital. I was sitting next to an old lady with Alzheimer who asked me 43 times if I wanted a biscuit. FML

    Alpine on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Alpine wrote: »
    Today, I waited two hours for my turn in the hospital. I was sitting next to an old lady with Alzheimer who asked me 43 times if I wanted a biscuit. FML

    Really? FML on that? Uh...what about HER life?

    Defender on
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    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

    I find this a bit unbelievable because of logistics. Unless he has a crooked dick.

    VisionOfClarity on
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    JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    God I hate working at a restaurant sometimes, I get hungry at the most inconvenient times. There's nothing open at 10:30 except fast food and convenience stores and cooking always wakes someone up. Maybe I'll make a nice quiet salad.

    Javen on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Defender wrote: »
    Alpine wrote: »
    Today, I waited two hours for my turn in the hospital. I was sitting next to an old lady with Alzheimer who asked me 43 times if I wanted a biscuit. FML

    Really? FML on that? Uh...what about HER life?

    Maybe he's getting all meta

    See it becomes an FML moment when he's angsty enough to nominate a not-very-FML moment as an FML moment, and he knows that it demonstrates this

    ...I mean that's some deep Zen shit there, like a sewer at a Zen monastery type deep

    Edcrab on
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    Charles KinboteCharles Kinbote Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Monkeyfeet wrote: »
    What if he is a Doctor. Important phone calls come up all the time that you just have to take. Or he might be a Gigolo

    Doctor Gigolo

    Saving lives and then boning people, for added life affirmation

    I smell a fantasy-sequence worthy of Scrubs!

    more of an insult than a compliment, really

    Charles Kinbote on
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    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Edcrab wrote: »
    Defender wrote: »
    Alpine wrote: »
    Today, I waited two hours for my turn in the hospital. I was sitting next to an old lady with Alzheimer who asked me 43 times if I wanted a biscuit. FML

    Really? FML on that? Uh...what about HER life?

    Maybe he's getting all meta

    See it becomes an FML moment when he's angsty enough to nominate a not-very-FML moment as an FML moment, and he knows that it demonstrates this

    ...I mean that's some deep Zen shit there, like a sewer at a Zen monastery type deep

    Maybe there is a tertiary level of FML going on there.

    Like, he's saying FML because he was annoyed at a woman with Alzheimers, which makes him reprehensible, and then he feels even worse about himself because he posted his story of his behavior on the internet just for a few seconds of attention and worth.

    Then there is the fourth level of FML which is me, myself, posting this analysis of his actions realizing that no-one even cares or that no-one will even read this. My girlfriend is sitting right there and I'm on the PC instead.

    Then, there is the holy grail of FML which would be the original poster, the guy who got annoyed at the woman in the waiting room, somehow stumbling upon this thread and realizing that not only is he bad for feeling annoyed at the old woman, for posting it on FML site but that people are laughing at him for doing this.

    I think at that point, him, me and probably a few others should probably kill ourselves.

    The_Scarab on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

    I find this a bit unbelievable because of logistics. Unless he has a crooked dick.

    I have a cylindrical phone that hangs from my belt, inside my pants, and leans forward.

    Defender on
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    EdcrabEdcrab Actually a hack Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Scarab don't be contemplating suicide just yet you spider-hating IMAX attendee

    I mean, I thought I had dibs on murdering you

    Edcrab on
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    TankHammerTankHammer Atlanta Ghostbuster Atlanta, GARegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Javen wrote: »
    God I hate working at a restaurant sometimes, I get hungry at the most inconvenient times. There's nothing open at 10:30 except fast food and convenience stores and cooking always wakes someone up. Maybe I'll make a nice quiet salad.

    Here's an idea: Eat meals during breaks or whip something up before you go home for the night.

    Either that or cook enough food during your days off so that there are left-overs to heat up at night.

    TankHammer on
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    The_ScarabThe_Scarab Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    We'll have a fight to the death.

    My weapon of choice. A scramasax made of space-whale cartlidge.

    The_Scarab on
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    BYToadyBYToady Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Defender wrote: »
    Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

    I find this a bit unbelievable because of logistics. Unless he has a crooked dick.

    I have a cylindrical phone that hangs from my belt, inside my pants, and leans forward.

    Maybe his dick rings and lights up.

    BYToady on
    Battletag BYToady#1454
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    TubeTube Registered User admin
    edited March 2009
    Old joke is old, and Keith, I don't mean to be a dick, but:

    Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

    M... Mori?

    Tube on
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    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Projeck wrote: »
    Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

    It's the stupid bitch's fault for not communicating her needs.

    DarkPrimus on
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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    dp what are you doing

    PiptheFair on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Projeck wrote: »
    Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

    It's the stupid bitch's fault for not communicating her needs.

    Yeah, her imaginary needs. "Female orgasm." Whatever.

    Defender on
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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    the fuck is an orgasm

    that like an organism or something?

    PiptheFair on
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    Auntie ShibbyAuntie Shibby Horrible Visalia, CARegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    And what the fuck is a 'clit'. From what some dude was telling me it was like a tiny penis on a chicks vag, fuck that gay ass shit.

    Auntie Shibby on
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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    shibby the problem here is that from appearance me and defender are being ironic


    it is very difficult to tell when you do things like this

    PiptheFair on
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    DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    the fuck is an orgasm

    that like an organism or something?

    It's like when you blow jizz everywhere. Some fucking dumbass feminists have started claiming that they can do it too, which is bullshit, but you know how dykes are. I mean, they're women in the first place, PLUS they think they're men, so they're, like, double-crazy.

    Defender on
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    RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited March 2009
    hahaha

    needs

    more like she needs to make me some fucking dinner and stop jibber jabbering

    Rankenphile on
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