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Fuck My Life

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    NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    More or less, most of these just make me glad I'm single.

    Nads on
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    HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Being single is overrated.

    Hacksaw on
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    NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    Is what a single person would say.

    Nads on
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    Tommy2HandsTommy2Hands what is this where am i Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    You would know!

    Tommy2Hands on
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    JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Mori certainly made a fool of himself tonight :P

    Janson on
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    Tommy2HandsTommy2Hands what is this where am i Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    H-5

    Tommy2Hands on
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] new member
    edited March 2009
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    [Deleted User] on
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    NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    What did he do, Rach. WHAT. DID. HE. DO?

    Nads on
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    Tommy2HandsTommy2Hands what is this where am i Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    hooray I just got back from spending the weekend in Reno on an impromptu trip that started on Thursday

    8-)

    How did that work out?

    Tommy2Hands on
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] new member
    edited March 2009
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    [Deleted User] on
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    Tommy2HandsTommy2Hands what is this where am i Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    That sounds like a great trip.
    I especially like the part about the VW

    Tommy2Hands on
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    Lucky CynicLucky Cynic Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Here's one that would suck:
    Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

    What a bitch

    I would then come back to 'mom' in like a month and say that I caught Hepititus or something.

    Lucky Cynic on
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    JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Nads wrote: »
    What did he do, Rach. WHAT. DID. HE. DO?

    I spent today with a German au pair named Sandra

    Sandra was really, really looking forward to going out tonight. Hasn't been out partying in a while. She was going to drive the both of us there, but that would've meant she couldn't drink.

    So I decided to offer Mori's services. He doesn't enjoy drinking anyway, so I figure he could drive us and hang out with us and get to know Sandra too. So I'm extolling Mori's virtues to Sandra; how he's reliable, a safe driver, dependable, etc.

    We get set to go out. Mori has no suitable clothes, so I buy him a new outfit. We get to the pub/club and there's an entry fee. Sandra and I have the money, Mori doesn't. But that's okay, because Mori's hungry and The Counter is just across the street. Mori'll go get a burger and then meet us later.

    An hour later, Sandra and I are having a pretty good time. She's had just one drink, I've only had water. We're pacing ourselves. But Mori's nowhere in sight.

    We go outside, see he's still in The Counter. We figure he can't be long and Sandra's enjoying the fresh air, so we wait a little while. Eventually he comes out.

    He hands me his box of leftover burger + fries. He doesn't feel well so he goes to find a bathroom. I continue to wait outside with his box. The bathroom's closed. He returns and leaves to find another one. That's closed too. He leaves again. All this while I'm left like a lemon standing outside the club holding his leftovers.

    He finds a bathroom, and spends half an hour in it. Then he comes out. By now Sandra and I are pretty worried. I'm still holding his leftovers. He feels sick, but hasn't been able to throw up. Also, it turns out he had two White Russians in The Counter. So he's drunk more alcohol than the both of us put together. He says he's going back to the car, and asks if we're ready to leave. He thinks we're waiting to leave because we've been outside. We've been outside because we've been holding his leftovers waiting for him.

    Anyway, we left straight after that, dropped Sandra back home, and have promised she'll get to stay out next time.

    Janson on
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    HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Ah, the magic of marriage. <3

    Hacksaw on
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    MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I deserve all of that, I think.

    I don't even think it was the alcohol, though. I was full when I ordered the food but I was like "Hey I've heard this place is great I'm going to eat the shit out of this burger."

    And I kept eating even after my stomach was telling me "I'm full, you moron, please stop, you're killing me!"

    Thankfully I haven't thrown up, but I almost feel like I should have just to drive the point home a bit more.

    Still, uh, live and learn, right guys?

    Moriveth on
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    NadsNads Bob Ducca Asleep in a cul-de-sac.Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2009
    That was an amazing story.

    Nads on
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    ShortyShorty touching the meat Intergalactic Cool CourtRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fast forward ten years, where Mori needs a forklift to get out of the house and they give him his insulin through a garden hose.

    Shorty on
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    MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Man if I keep eating at The Counter that'd be more like a year

    Moriveth on
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    MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    And seriously, I feel terrible about this. Of course it doesn't help that Rachel is rubbing it in

    Moriveth on
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    B.C.B.C. is a bee! remember me?Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I could really go for some In n' Out burgers right about now.
    But it's three in the goddamn morning.
    But this strawberry ice cream is really asking for a burger right about now.
    Man oh man.

    B.C. on
    Friend code for Pokemon fiends everywhere: Arch 0447-6824-1112
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    RichardTauberRichardTauber Kvlt Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Those are good burgers, Walter.

    RichardTauber on
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    B.C.B.C. is a bee! remember me?Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    I've never actually seen that movie in its entirety.

    B.C. on
    Friend code for Pokemon fiends everywhere: Arch 0447-6824-1112
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    YaYaYaYa Decent. Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    B.C. wrote: »
    I've never actually seen that movie in its entirety.

    Shut the fuck up Donnie

    YaYa on
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    B.C.B.C. is a bee! remember me?Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Fuck you YaYa, get back to the catwalk.

    B.C. on
    Friend code for Pokemon fiends everywhere: Arch 0447-6824-1112
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    GoatmonGoatmon Companion of Kess Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    YaYa wrote: »
    B.C. wrote: »
    I've never actually seen that movie in its entirety.

    Shut the fuck up Donnie

    I am the walrus.

    Goatmon on
    Switch Friend Code: SW-6680-6709-4204


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    DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I woke up. FML.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
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    StaleStale Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    wussiest drunk story every

    ps. this is Sara oops didn't sign out

    Stale on
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    the wookthe wook Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Mr. G wrote: »
    Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

    Mentally picture it

    DO IT

    i don't have to. so many people at my gym dry with the hair dryer.

    imo, it still beats the one asshole who pumps out about 15 feet of paper towel to dry himself. buy a fucking towel, dick. it's my environment too

    the wook on
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    DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Burgers on top of white russians on top of a full stomach...


    Yes, this was a recipe for dumb from the beginning.

    DrZiplock on
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    the wookthe wook Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

    Is this even a problem?

    not in my book

    the wook on
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    oogmaroogmar Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today (er, a few months ago), I was in the "18+ only" section of Spartacus (specialty sex shop in Portland), holding a few different types of oils, a cock ring, a new blindfold (the irony of losing a blindfold is not lost on me), and a plug-in extension for my bullet when I turned around and saw my big brother, who lives in a different city, holding the same brand of blindfold and eyeballing the cock ring in a rather stunned manner. As I don't have a cock, it obviously wasn't for me.

    Not exactly FML, because we laughed about it and got to talking brands and whatnot on a totally not creepy level.

    But awwwwwkard ten seconds or so there.

    oogmar on
    Rane, you lazy bastard, you can shut the hell up.

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    Indie WinterIndie Winter die Krähe Rudi Hurzlmeier (German, b. 1952)Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    well I've seriously considered putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger this morning

    this can't be a good sign

    Indie Winter on
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    DrZiplockDrZiplock Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Switching the clocks ahead was that much of a head fuck for you?

    DrZiplock on
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    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    sounds like someone needs a hug

    Pony on
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    Caulk Bite 6Caulk Bite 6 One of the multitude of Dans infesting this place Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Loomdun wrote: »
    Today, my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time. When I was on top of her, she asked me if it was in yet. I said yes. She sighed. FML

    "So, now it's my fault that you're stretched out enough to let a truck through?"

    Caulk Bite 6 on
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    P10P10 An Idiot With Low IQ Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    Today, I went to the Doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML
    This is by far my favorite.

    P10 on
    Shameful pursuits and utterly stupid opinions
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    PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    who goes to the doctor with their parents

    i stopped that shit when i was like 10

    Pony on
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    MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited March 2009
    well I've seriously considered putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger this morning

    this can't be a good sign

    man, that was so last night

    it's all about hypomania now

    (I'm told this is called "rapid cycling" and I have to get used to it)

    MrMonroe on
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    Ness445Ness445 Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    hypomania means riding a bicycle really fast?

    new word added to vocabulary!

    Ness445 on
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    ubernekouberneko Registered User regular
    edited March 2009
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    well I've seriously considered putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger this morning

    this can't be a good sign

    man, that was so last night

    it's all about hypomania now

    (I'm told this is called "rapid cycling" and I have to get used to it)

    hey bro wanna jump on your fixie and well fuckin cruise down the hill and go all hypomaniac on this big city

    uberneko on
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