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Friendship threatened (long)
Captain Eleven
The last card is a kronkRegistered User regular
The last card is a kronkRegistered User regular
Posting something like this on an internet forum is about the last thing I ever thought I'd do. However, this is really getting to me, and it seems like there's some level-headed people here, so here goes. (Apologies for the wall o'text, I will try to tl;dr at the end).
Background: my best friend and I have known each other for about 2 years. Since it will probably be relevant later, she's a girl and I'm a guy. (I know what some of you are thinking, and the answer is no, it's not like that). We're very close, we've had a few rough spots but what friendship hasn't, and we've both been dealing with a lot of difficult things in our personal lives (unrelated to each other). Despite what we've both been dealing with, things were really good between us, until last Friday.
Last Friday, she called me after work, we chatted a bit about nothing in particular. She was going over to a friend's house and said she'd call me in a bit. After a few hours, I texted her just to see what was up. When she didn't reply after another while, I pulled a jerk move and sent a text that said something like "thanks for taking the time to call me back."
That was entirely stupid on my part, and I realize it. There's really no excuse for it. I am actually moderately bipolar, and due to an insurance company fuckup, I had run out of my meds the day before... which is probably why the text got sent, but that's still no excuse.
Anyway, the next day I get a text from her that says "I think we need to say goodbye." Now this was out of left field. She went on about some things that didn't make any sense to me, things like "I have a lot of stuff to work out and so do you", etc. etc. Up until Friday night I hadn't heard any of this. I was cruising along, thinking things were good. I sent a text back apologizing for the fact that I snapped at her and tried to call her, but she had turned off her phone after texting me. I tried to reach her a few times off and on during the weekend, but was ignored.
Today, she sends me an email saying that she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she doesn't want to talk until she's "ready." I'm terribly, terribly confused. I completely realize that the text I sent was uncalled for and stupid, and I apologized for that (not a fake "I'm sorry I upset you", it was "I was wrong to do that and I'm sorry").
My question isn't what I should do, because I know that (not force the issue, give her time, etc.). My question is more along the lines of "do friendships recover from these sorts of things?" We both consider each other our best friends... I just don't understand any of this.
I really suspect something is up that I don't entirely know about, because I know she's had a few other things weighing on her lately, and her friend she was going to see had actually just left her husband. So I know there's a bit more going here. I can't imagine that our friendship would end because I was snarky in a text (which, I'm ashamed to admit, I have done more than once).
Do people actually come and talk to you when they are "ready", or is that a blowoff answer to make you go away?
tl;dr I send a rude text to my best friend; her response is "we can't talk anymore", she emails me today and says we can talk when she's ready, do friendships survive these things?
I would especially appreciate any insight from our female forum-goers.
Background: my best friend and I have known each other for about 2 years. Since it will probably be relevant later, she's a girl and I'm a guy. (I know what some of you are thinking, and the answer is no, it's not like that). We're very close, we've had a few rough spots but what friendship hasn't, and we've both been dealing with a lot of difficult things in our personal lives (unrelated to each other). Despite what we've both been dealing with, things were really good between us, until last Friday.
Last Friday, she called me after work, we chatted a bit about nothing in particular. She was going over to a friend's house and said she'd call me in a bit. After a few hours, I texted her just to see what was up. When she didn't reply after another while, I pulled a jerk move and sent a text that said something like "thanks for taking the time to call me back."
That was entirely stupid on my part, and I realize it. There's really no excuse for it. I am actually moderately bipolar, and due to an insurance company fuckup, I had run out of my meds the day before... which is probably why the text got sent, but that's still no excuse.
Anyway, the next day I get a text from her that says "I think we need to say goodbye." Now this was out of left field. She went on about some things that didn't make any sense to me, things like "I have a lot of stuff to work out and so do you", etc. etc. Up until Friday night I hadn't heard any of this. I was cruising along, thinking things were good. I sent a text back apologizing for the fact that I snapped at her and tried to call her, but she had turned off her phone after texting me. I tried to reach her a few times off and on during the weekend, but was ignored.
Today, she sends me an email saying that she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she doesn't want to talk until she's "ready." I'm terribly, terribly confused. I completely realize that the text I sent was uncalled for and stupid, and I apologized for that (not a fake "I'm sorry I upset you", it was "I was wrong to do that and I'm sorry").
My question isn't what I should do, because I know that (not force the issue, give her time, etc.). My question is more along the lines of "do friendships recover from these sorts of things?" We both consider each other our best friends... I just don't understand any of this.
I really suspect something is up that I don't entirely know about, because I know she's had a few other things weighing on her lately, and her friend she was going to see had actually just left her husband. So I know there's a bit more going here. I can't imagine that our friendship would end because I was snarky in a text (which, I'm ashamed to admit, I have done more than once).
Do people actually come and talk to you when they are "ready", or is that a blowoff answer to make you go away?
tl;dr I send a rude text to my best friend; her response is "we can't talk anymore", she emails me today and says we can talk when she's ready, do friendships survive these things?
I would especially appreciate any insight from our female forum-goers.
Captain Eleven on
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Posts
It wasn't that stupid. I would have done the same thing. That's just rude. This one act didn't kill your friendship. There was other stuff going on.
If this friendship means that much to you, I'd give it a little bit of time and then send a short message saying something like, "I'm sorry if I offended you. I'd really still like to be friends." If you don't hear anything, move on.
Though me personally, I'd just say "fuck em" and let her come back to you, if she's willing. Life is too short to deal with loopy people. There are better friends waiting out there.
Here's where I get a little presumptuous; so excuse me if I'm wrong.
The very large amount of genuine remorse you seem to attach to making one offhandedly rude comment made a time when it was fairly well justified, along with the language of your post gives me the impression that you are extremely co dependent with this girl. Now I know you say that it's a just friends things, but is it really a "I wish it would be more but she doesn't see me that way so because I'm a "nice guy" I'm okay with being just friends" kinda thing? because if that's the case odds are you make her terribly uncomfortable.
Either way around it sounds to me like she has a boyfriend who she connects with emotionally and has because of this retreated from you.
I also don't know why she'd have to break off contact with you, unless the problem was related to you, unless the assumption on her part was that she just needed a few days with whatever the problem is.
That said, friendships can and do recover from huge fights. If your relationship was really close with her, then she won't just throw it away without a lot of careful thought. Give her the benefit of the doubt, fix your personal stuff, and just wait it out.
Edit: Also, her change from "nothing is wrong" to just blowing up over text is a sign that she has been upset for a while and has been holding it in.
Weaboo List
Like, if I am friends with someone, and I end up not liking them... I just start doing less stuff with them. I take a break, but I don't tell them "we need to take a break," because I'm not dating my friends. A break with a friend is also supposed to be temporary -- lets you do some different things, get out of a rut. If the friend ends up being a loser, you drift apart.
Unless a friend wrongs you somehow (which doesn't appear to have happened), typically you don't confront friends and say you need to "take a break."
It sounds like something else is going on. Given the gender differences, perhaps she's seeing someone and they're all uppity about her hanging out with a dude?
She's a girl. When you mentioned best friend, I imagined he's a guy. When you said she's a girl, I realized what your wall o'text will contain.
First, you must realize that she's a girl, and you're a guy. By nature, you're different, and well.. as much as you try to have an equal relationship with her as if she's a guy, you wont be able to do this. [see your SMS for example]
I don't know what it is, but for some reason girls can be very, very good friends, even best friends, but the little differences regarding thought-processes [for example, the way she understands your SMS] ruin things very easily and create unneeded drama. Had she been a guy, he'd probably ignore your SMS or take it as a joke. I don't know what makes guys this way, but most girls aren't like this, just like your female friend.
I went through the same thing as you, and I came to the conclusion that my female friends can't fill the slot of the best friend, at least not for long..
It's just a matter of getting along best with someone who's like you - in this case, in gender.
By the way, if you truly have been best friends for 2 years, she shouldn't flip out on you like this for no reason. Your message is probably the straw that broke the camel's back - she's going through something shitty, or has been hiding stuff she dislikes about you in her heart and this is the limit-breaker.
Either way, give her time and space [don't even SMS her] and after a few days try to have a talk with her face to face.
Perhaps you're different than me and can get along with female best friends easily, I don't know. I hope this turns out for the best for you.
That's the part that confuses me the most. She's NEVER done ANYTHING remotely close to this before. That's why I'm thinking I'll wait it out and see. This is completely out of character for her.
Thanks everyone for your opinions so far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.
hefty
Personal example!
Her having no idea what was going on with me, of course, found it to be rude. I know this because she gabbed loudly about it with my other roommate in front of my super thin door. I can tell you, if she approached me directly after that I would have snapped, because she had inadvertently pissed me off, and would have probably taken it to a stupid level.
I just blinded myself to all that till I got to his funeral and I saw my folks. As a result, I apologized as my normal mellow self. She saw me like an hour before my granddad passed and I was just dandy, no way she could have known that her whining about a phone call could have conjured the bitchy out me till I apologized days later.
So my suggestion is to wait. You just never know.
As I found out yesterday from a mutual friend, that's basically what happened. I have the world's worst timing, I swear. There is other stuff going on that doesn't really involve me... so I guess I get to wait now. It's been almost a week and a half since she talked to me, and I realize in the grand scheme that's not a very long time at all... but it's still hard.