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Roommate is a drugged-out mess
Zeromus
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Last year, I was good friends with the person I'm now roommates with; we'll call him Pete.
We've roomed together since September. We used to party together, ran in similar crowds, etcetera. It all changed in December, when I decided that I wanted to become a more responsible person, and when he broke up with his girlfriend, which sent him spiraling into complete oblivion. He smokes weed probably everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, and has recently admitted to me that he's snorted heroin and dropped acid. It's bad news. The room is a complete mess because of him and his stoner friends (they even eat on my bed when I'm gone, leaving crumbs and general awfulness in their wake); the kitchen is completely filled with nasty dishes and such that he's generated, the floor in our common room is a mess, and the bathroom is simply laden with his marijuana shit. To be fair, I used to partake, in restricted capacity compared to these recent activities, in some of what he's doing (just smoking, though), but it's gotten out of hand, and I no longer take any part in it.
I don't really know what to do. We have a residential advisor we can talk to, but I'm worried that if I did so, it would get back to me that I ratted him out, nothing much would necessarily change, and I'd wind up in a terribly awkward living and social situation (we do still have a few mutual friends). Plus, given my past actions, I'm concerned that I could be implicated if I were to turn him in. At the same time, when I've tried to tell him to clean up after himself and be mindful of the fact that I don't like his drug paraphernalia scattered about, nothing has changed in the long run. Quite frankly, I'm at a loss. What would you recommend, H/A? I am at your mercy.
Edit: For just a bit more background info, Pete only has class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which leaves his schedule wide open to get as fucked up as possible whenever he wants. And he never contributes anything to the room; despite making a ton of messes, he's content to stand idly by while I buy soap, laundry detergent, and such to keep things tidy. It was also revealed this morning that he doesn't mind letting his stoner friends pass out in my bed when I spend the night at my girlfriend's place.
Still, while it sounds like he's a complete monster, this is college, and there are social ramifications to consider, especially since he used to be someone I was good friends with (not any longer, but as aforementioned, we do share some mutual friends that actually matter to me). Should I tough out the rest of the semester (about six weeks), or is there some action I could take that would actually improve my life?
We've roomed together since September. We used to party together, ran in similar crowds, etcetera. It all changed in December, when I decided that I wanted to become a more responsible person, and when he broke up with his girlfriend, which sent him spiraling into complete oblivion. He smokes weed probably everyday, sometimes multiple times a day, and has recently admitted to me that he's snorted heroin and dropped acid. It's bad news. The room is a complete mess because of him and his stoner friends (they even eat on my bed when I'm gone, leaving crumbs and general awfulness in their wake); the kitchen is completely filled with nasty dishes and such that he's generated, the floor in our common room is a mess, and the bathroom is simply laden with his marijuana shit. To be fair, I used to partake, in restricted capacity compared to these recent activities, in some of what he's doing (just smoking, though), but it's gotten out of hand, and I no longer take any part in it.
I don't really know what to do. We have a residential advisor we can talk to, but I'm worried that if I did so, it would get back to me that I ratted him out, nothing much would necessarily change, and I'd wind up in a terribly awkward living and social situation (we do still have a few mutual friends). Plus, given my past actions, I'm concerned that I could be implicated if I were to turn him in. At the same time, when I've tried to tell him to clean up after himself and be mindful of the fact that I don't like his drug paraphernalia scattered about, nothing has changed in the long run. Quite frankly, I'm at a loss. What would you recommend, H/A? I am at your mercy.
Edit: For just a bit more background info, Pete only has class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which leaves his schedule wide open to get as fucked up as possible whenever he wants. And he never contributes anything to the room; despite making a ton of messes, he's content to stand idly by while I buy soap, laundry detergent, and such to keep things tidy. It was also revealed this morning that he doesn't mind letting his stoner friends pass out in my bed when I spend the night at my girlfriend's place.
Still, while it sounds like he's a complete monster, this is college, and there are social ramifications to consider, especially since he used to be someone I was good friends with (not any longer, but as aforementioned, we do share some mutual friends that actually matter to me). Should I tough out the rest of the semester (about six weeks), or is there some action I could take that would actually improve my life? 
Zeromus on
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First of all, you need to be frank with him. He probably realizes to some extent that he's a mess, and you saying 'look dude, we need to keep our shit clean' might snap him back to reality a bit. You don't need to be mean about it, but you do need to be firm. Places like the kitchen and the bathroom are your space, too. This extends to asking him to help pay for utility items and such, even if you're the one who always has to go out and buy them.
Even if he doesn't have at least a little 'come to jesus' moment when you have this talk, it gives you the background on the subject to talk about it further, even if further is "hey dumbass, clean up your dishes."
If you're still close as friends, you can have a little mini-intervention with him (or if you have mutual friends, have a real intervention.) The point again is not to be mean or punitive, but you have to take a firm tone. "Look, you seem sort of in trouble these days, can we help you fix yourself up?"
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Laying down some ground rules in the interim (no one but you sleeps in your bed, etc) will help make your remaining time together more tolerable for you.
Put up with it until the end of the semester, stay at your girlfriends when he's really pissing you off and find something new for next semester.
If he continues to crank up his Linkin Park shit to 11 and smoking his self into obscurity, go to your RA. Just give him a heads up that your roommate has refused to act in a communal fashion, and that he won't abide to the 50/50 rule in the room. Don't bring up the drugs. If you can word it right, he'll get the idea.
Also, if your roommate is smoking enough, is it seeping through into the hallway or outside the window where an RA would notice without people thinking it's you? I say this because some kids on my dorm floor my first year in college had a set up where they blocked the front door with towels to stop smoke coming into the hall, but all it did was create a big bloom of smoke going out the dorm window. The RA on duty smelled pot, went outside to see the windows, and sure enough saw the smoke and busted them.
It's possible that this isn't really such a concern; NYU is pretty lax about this sort of thing. I've been written up once or twice in the past (meaning an RA crashed the party and I had to talk to the building's "community development educator" afterwards), which I feel might cover me if I were to talk to someone. I could, for instance, say that I obviously used to be involved with this stuff, but that I've fixed myself up and am simply concerned that my roomie continues to flagrantly party like a maniac (and also that he's now getting into more serious substances), which is concerning.
But, who knows?
Edit: I'm also kind of worried that, the more dangerous things my roommate starts to do, the higher the chance that something happens to him, which could wind its way back to me ("why didn't you say anything?"). But honestly, I'm not his mother, he knows the stuff is dangerous, and though I'm not exactly close to him anymore, I still don't want to fracture what is at least a calm and friendly relationship by trying to narc him out.
As far as I'm concerned I could probably tough it out for 6 more weeks, and make it damn clear that passing out on my bed is not cool.
If the heroin thing is true though, I'd feel terrible if I didn't do anything about it. If there's continued use of it I wouldn't feel bad about turning him in at all.
There is a good point here: heroin is some really awful shit. It's much more addictive than even cocaine. If you feel you have any responsibility to this friend at all, you have a responsibility to help him get off heroin -- even if that means turning him in.
I'm actually not in the room very much, which is kind of what makes the situation even more frustrating; I'm taking a full courseload (have class until 10:00 pm on Wednesdays, even), am an editor at the newspaper, and have a girlfriend, but I simply can't feel relaxed when I come back to the room at night. Still, there isn't much time left in the semester, and none of my friends are living with him next semester (when I'll be abroad in Prague), which means I won't have to worry about being around him even when I return in the winter.
As for the people concerned about him using heroin... When he used it, he said to me, "I liked it a lot, so I won't ever do it again." We'll see. If he ever did it in our room or had it in our room, I would absolutely go to the RA. But if he's going off on his own and keeping me out of the loop? Not much I can do about it at this point.
I am all for telling someone so your last six weeks are decent because you'll have to take FINALS and your buddy sounds like he needs help. But seriously as someone who used to be a college RA, tell an RA. Don't feel guilty about trying to live your life and maybe get your buddy some help. Any decent mutual friends the two of you have should understand your position and won't think less of you. You share the place and you pay money just like him so why does he get control of the land with his buddies?
1) The LAST thing you should do in this situation is try to stage an intervention on your own. If you fail, in the best case scenario nothing will change, and in the worst case scenario your relationship with the guy will be strained and you'll be on your own.
2) If you are no longer partaking of the drugs, then you should not be implicated in the drug possession should you talk to an RA about this. This is college, and you're not going to be charged with aiding and abetting. As long as you haven't been buying or partaking yourself (and the OP seems to make this explicitly clear), then you should hopefully be fine.
3) You could let your RA know what's going on privately and ask for advice. If you do not want them directly involved, you should say so specifically, otherwise they WILL get involved. They'll likely do a benign "check in" with your roommate one way or the other if the situation is called to their attention. That said, he/she will have a better understanding of on-campus resources than you do, and can tell you what your options are in a situation like this. This doesn't necessarily have to be a NARC situation. You should be aware, however, that it is likely that the RA will be obligated to report a drug situation as serious as this to the higher-ups, most likely their immediate superior who will then probably have to report it to a Dean.
4) At our school, you can let the Dean of Students know about a situation like this. This is probably your best bet. (Deans, generally, want to help kids rather than see them kicked out). In speaking to the DoS, you should explain the situation but also make it clear that beyond wanting help for your roommate, you do not want to be involved or implicated when the DoS speaks to your roommate. The DoS can also tell you what your own options are regarding this situation. Most colleges keep dorms available for kids who need to get out of problematic living situations, and you could probably get one of these on a temporary or permanent basis. You should be aware that there may be disciplinary consequences for your friend. This could be as simple as required counseling and rehabilitation or as complicated as being removed from the school for a period or time. I can't speak for NYU's policies.
My girlfriend says, speaking as an RA: "My RA response (not being YOUR RA, but having a general understanding of how these systems tend to work) is to tell you to speak with the Dean of Students. You can ask them to keep your name out of any and all proceedings (this would probably be done anyway; confidentiality is a biggie in Residential Life stuff) and they can also take the steps necessary to help your friend; it sounds like, at this point, he needs more help than a friend OR an RA could provide. Personally, if I were faced with this situation, I would be obligated to report it and would probably want to to get help, so your going to the DoS will probably just skip a few steps along the way. You also need to take care of yourself, and it seems to me that you need to get out of your current situation for a little while. This is not abandoning your friend; it is looking out for yourself. The Dead of Students will be able to help you figure that part out. I don't know how NYU disciplinary stuff works and what would be in store for your friend, but I think you need to weigh the possible disciplinary consequences against the damage your friend is doing to himself ... this is probably one of those 'he'll thank you later' situations. I hope that helps, coming from an 'insider' perspective. If you have any questions post them; I'm sure ChopperDave will let me know and I can clear things up/provide further advice. Good luck." - RA Girlfriend
"Hey man. You know I don't have a problem with you getting high. I used to enjoy it and everything. But shit is getting out of hand. People can't be crashing in my bed, and I don't like it being full of crumbs and shit. I know you've been stressed out lately, but I need you to start doing your share of the cleaning. We can take turns, or whatever, but it needs done and I don't want to be the only one doing it."
That is the best line of communication. Make it not about the drugs, but about your space getting jacked up. Every druggies would realize a guy needs his space.
You go to NYU, so just hold up a cafeteria until he caves into your demands, and scream brutality whenever he comes near you
Also, I just now realized it, but you having a Green Arrow avatar and having a thread about your sidekick...er I mean roommate being a druggie is just funny. Is his nickname Speedy?
Keep in mind that he can only fix himself if he actually wants to.
So I guess my advice is that if you confront your friend you may lose him as a friend, but if you don't do anything about it you will lose him as a friend. It'll be better to gamble on losing him and maybe he'll fix himself up then it is to just let him go on hurting himself.
After he got caught his life is back on track and he doesn't go near that stuff anymore.
So maybe it might be best to let a hint slide to the RA or whoever you think would get angry at him just enough for him to stop without him getting in too much shit.
So, this is basically what I ended up doing. At first, he was pretty angry at me and defensive, but lo and behold, the next day everything was completely cleaned.
Still, I guess there isn't any guarantee that it'll hold up (he and a stoned friend were blasting smash bros last night at 2:00 am as I was trying to get to sleep - our entire living space is one room, mind you), but I think he knows how strongly I feel about it now and will hopefully respect that for the duration of our time this semester.
After he initially got pissed at me, though (and even tried to insist that a lot of the mess was my doing, which is an absolute falsehood), I figured he wasn't going to end up cleaning and emailed the CDE asking for a time to meet. I wasn't specific in the e-mail about anything, so I can still wiggle my way out of it, I'm sure. Kind of a frustrating added layer, though.