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Dealing with anxiety in a relationship
Death of Rats
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So here I am again posting another fun little thread. For those of you who are keeping up I've been dating a girl that I met online for a little over a month. I'm 24, this is my first real relationship, and I have anxiety issues.
Anyways... here's the situation.
When we decided to start seeing eachother romantically she told me she wants to take things slow.
Since then we've seen eachother about once a week. She's stayed over once, we've had sex twice, she's met my parents, and every time we see eachother it's been a good day. I really like this girl, and I think this might be going somewhere.
But there's a problem. And that problem is... well, we see eachother once a week, and besides that we don't talk to eachother. The day she's suppose to come over we talk to eachother before she comes over... that's all we ever talk on the phone.
This might not be a big deal, if I didn't have, well, anxiety issues. When I get something in my head I start thinking about it and I can't let it go. And if things get bad enough I start having anxiety attacks that pretty much stop me from being able to function. These started durring basic training (they're the reason I got kicked out), and ever since then they happen every once in a while. The last one I had was last October, but this week I had one.. and, well, probably damaged this whole thing quite a bit.
You see, we spent the afternoon together last Tuesday and made plans to hang out on Thursday. Thursday rolled around, I did my usual calling/texting her to see when she was coming over, no response. I waited, cooked dinner around the time I thought she might come over, no nothing. I started freaking out a bit, thinking that either something had happened to her or she was... well, dumping me via lack of communication. But I kept my cool. Didn't do anything stupid. Around 8pm, she texted me, told me she was sorry, she forgot her phone at home and was at school all day working on projects. And that she'd get ahold of me the next day to plan when we'd see eachother next.
And I was relieved. I don't want to get in the way of her school, and being a previous art student I can certainly understand how someone could get sidetracked on projects.
But then I didn't hear from her Friday... or Saturday. Saturday night I started freaking out. I texted her a few times, giving her my schedule and asking if she'd want to come over sunday night. No response, nothing.
So Sunday I went into full anxiety attack mode. I started acting really stupid. I called her in the morning, left a voice mail saying I was wondering what was up. Called her again, didn't leave anything. Then I reached the full hight of stupidity and sent a text telling her "This is a shitty way to treat someone. If you didn't want to see me again you should have just said something". I waited a few hours, didn't get any response. So once I was out of work I decided to call her one last time.
I did, and imediately got a text telling me to stop freaking out, that she was sorry about not getting back to me sooner. Then another one reminding me that she told me she needs her space, and that she really likes me, but I can't freak out like this. That she'd see me thursday.
I sent her a few texts basically apologizing. Telling her I was trying to stay calm, but that this whole thing is still new to me. That I got wierded out after thursday, and that I was being stupid. I promised her I wouldn't let it happen again.
So, well... here's the deal... obviously very soon me and her need to sit down and talk about this. I haven't told her about my anxiety issues. I need to tell her about those. And, well, maybe we need to talk a little bit about where this is going, or where we want it to go. Possibly even just clearly figure out what we are to eachother right now.
I don't have a problem with us seeing eachother only once a week. I don't think I'd even have a problem with us not talking on the phone if I felt a little bit more secure in the relationship. I don't think that I'm a very clingy or needy person. I talk to the most important people in my life very infrequently. Maybe twice a month or so. But the fact that this is so new to me is making it very hard for me to stay clam. I'm constantly thinking about her. She's new and exciting and for the most part feels right.
So... well, basically I'm wondering what the hell I should do. I don't want this to end. And I want to respect the fact that she need space, the fact that she's a fulltime student and a full time worker. But I'm afraid that no matter what I do I'm going to end up freaking out again. And that that's going to end up driving her away.
Anyways... here's the situation.
When we decided to start seeing eachother romantically she told me she wants to take things slow.
Since then we've seen eachother about once a week. She's stayed over once, we've had sex twice, she's met my parents, and every time we see eachother it's been a good day. I really like this girl, and I think this might be going somewhere.
But there's a problem. And that problem is... well, we see eachother once a week, and besides that we don't talk to eachother. The day she's suppose to come over we talk to eachother before she comes over... that's all we ever talk on the phone.
This might not be a big deal, if I didn't have, well, anxiety issues. When I get something in my head I start thinking about it and I can't let it go. And if things get bad enough I start having anxiety attacks that pretty much stop me from being able to function. These started durring basic training (they're the reason I got kicked out), and ever since then they happen every once in a while. The last one I had was last October, but this week I had one.. and, well, probably damaged this whole thing quite a bit.
You see, we spent the afternoon together last Tuesday and made plans to hang out on Thursday. Thursday rolled around, I did my usual calling/texting her to see when she was coming over, no response. I waited, cooked dinner around the time I thought she might come over, no nothing. I started freaking out a bit, thinking that either something had happened to her or she was... well, dumping me via lack of communication. But I kept my cool. Didn't do anything stupid. Around 8pm, she texted me, told me she was sorry, she forgot her phone at home and was at school all day working on projects. And that she'd get ahold of me the next day to plan when we'd see eachother next.
And I was relieved. I don't want to get in the way of her school, and being a previous art student I can certainly understand how someone could get sidetracked on projects.
But then I didn't hear from her Friday... or Saturday. Saturday night I started freaking out. I texted her a few times, giving her my schedule and asking if she'd want to come over sunday night. No response, nothing.
So Sunday I went into full anxiety attack mode. I started acting really stupid. I called her in the morning, left a voice mail saying I was wondering what was up. Called her again, didn't leave anything. Then I reached the full hight of stupidity and sent a text telling her "This is a shitty way to treat someone. If you didn't want to see me again you should have just said something". I waited a few hours, didn't get any response. So once I was out of work I decided to call her one last time.
I did, and imediately got a text telling me to stop freaking out, that she was sorry about not getting back to me sooner. Then another one reminding me that she told me she needs her space, and that she really likes me, but I can't freak out like this. That she'd see me thursday.
I sent her a few texts basically apologizing. Telling her I was trying to stay calm, but that this whole thing is still new to me. That I got wierded out after thursday, and that I was being stupid. I promised her I wouldn't let it happen again.
So, well... here's the deal... obviously very soon me and her need to sit down and talk about this. I haven't told her about my anxiety issues. I need to tell her about those. And, well, maybe we need to talk a little bit about where this is going, or where we want it to go. Possibly even just clearly figure out what we are to eachother right now.
I don't have a problem with us seeing eachother only once a week. I don't think I'd even have a problem with us not talking on the phone if I felt a little bit more secure in the relationship. I don't think that I'm a very clingy or needy person. I talk to the most important people in my life very infrequently. Maybe twice a month or so. But the fact that this is so new to me is making it very hard for me to stay clam. I'm constantly thinking about her. She's new and exciting and for the most part feels right.
So... well, basically I'm wondering what the hell I should do. I don't want this to end. And I want to respect the fact that she need space, the fact that she's a fulltime student and a full time worker. But I'm afraid that no matter what I do I'm going to end up freaking out again. And that that's going to end up driving her away.
No I don't.
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You should have low expectations for new people, but be responsive and when someone who shows you the level of consideration you are looking for then let them know that you appreciate it and go from there. If they really do want to be with you they'll be able to put up with some insecurity. From what it sounds you're not being unreasonable, you're just having the same level of expectation from this person as you would from a committed long term relationship, which you are not in. I totally get the way you feel though.
Best advice I can give, text once or twice to figure out whats going on when shes late, maybe on phone call, and then go do something else. Its hard, because you'll have it gnawing right in the pit of your stomach, but you have to do something else. Take a walk, pop on some headphones, for me its the only time I still have a cigarette, but I don't recommend that.
edit: one of the great pieces of advice I got from my mom that may help you out was "Kory, your a good person, punctual, accepting, and honest. Sadly your biggest enemy in this world will be expecting everyone else to do the same."
The only thing that really worries me is when I don't here back from her. The reason that worries me is, well, last year my best friend got dumped by a girl he was seeing by her... well, never talking to him again.
Every time I don't hear back from her when I text or call her my brain goes through this process,
"You know, it's cool. No big deal. She's not ignoring you, she's busy. She will eventually get back to you.
On the other hand... there was that thing that happened with Timmy last year. She could be doing that.
But that's silly... she wouldn't do that. Things are going fine.
Sure you think that, but what about her? Are they really going fine? Would you even be able to tell?"
It goes on and on like that. I believe it's just insecurity.
I don't think of this as a committed long term relationship. I really like her, but I'm still not sure if that's what I want out of this. So I'm not expecting her to act as if that's where we're at either. Which is why I was fine with her blowing me off Thursday. If I wasn't so insecure (not about the relationship or her herself, but about relationships in general) I would have just assumed she got sidetracked, texted her reminding her, done something else, and seen what her response was.
(response to blakfeld)
So, this isn't unusual? The way we're doing things right now? If that's the case even that makes me feel better. My friends have never heard of a relationship staring out like this. That in and of itself kinda has me worried.
First date - fun times
Second date - sex
Third date - sex + sleepover
Fourth date - meet parents
Fifth date - *cancelled*
(Presumable) Sixth date - relationship talk(?)
For someone who's trying to take it slow, I'd say that's pretty fast. This may be offensive, but I've spent more time with my barber than you've spent with this girl. And you're pinning a lot of hopes and expectations on her to act a certain way. Your behavior comes off as very clingy and needy, particularly the multiple calls and texts on sat/sun. It's your first time so take it as a lesson learned. Don't do it again. She said she'll see you next thurs, so it sounds like things are still on. Go you.
I find that heavy exercise works best when I'm feeling anxious. In the short term, the simple act of doing something will get your mind off the girl and focused on doing what you need to. Then the endorphins kick in and reduce anxiety.
Edit: My first GF and I were like this, with the once a week thing and we eventually ended up practically living together in a 2 year long relationship. OTOH, I've been dumped on multiple occasions by never getting a response from a girl again. The thing to remember is that more calling and texting when she's done isn't going to make her decide to undump you.
You are obviously an intelligent, conscientious guy with a lot to offer and for someone else to be your partner and to have that "in" to your emotional state is both a great opportunity and a huge responsibility. Try to be careful who you give that responsibility to as the other person may not be responsible enough or ready for something so powerful.
The thing is, and I mention this to my friends who have similar "space" issues (although it's usually with the other party), is that "what's the end result of a relationship?" The cynical will say divorce but I say it's a happy marriage or long-term relationship where you're living together in the same space. If you currently can't handle someone in your space, you need to be very upfront about it and make sure that people you see understand what your boundaries are. But going a whole week without talking to each other when you've essentially just met? That's kind of weird.
I mean, maybe she's super busy with school, job, whatever. But if she's just sitting at home watching TV or something lame, that's kind of strange.
Middle of January: We start talking online, make plans to meet on the 4th.
February 4th: We meet, hang out, play zombies. Talk a bunch, but just friendly stuff.
February 14th: We go out again, see a movie, go out to eat and have drinks. Again, friendly talking, a little flirting.
February 19th: We hang out at my place, drink, play videogames, show eachother art stuff. At the end of the night, I ask her what she's looking for in this, she kinda just smiles and shrugs and says "whatever, you know?". So I kiss her, she says she's cool with that, but she wants to take things slow, but kissing and stuff is cool.
February 22nd?: She comes over again, we get food, drink, play castle crashers, cuddle.
February 26th: She comes over, we start watching wall-e on my bed... cuddle... sex
March 5th: We go and see the Watchmen, she stays over. She says she's free all weekend, I say my parents are coming up. She doesn't really respond to that, so when she's leaving I tell her that's I'd like her to come out with us for dinner, she gets excited and happy.
March 7th: We all go out to eat, she ends up ducking out at the restaurant because her parents need her to do some stuff.
March 12th: She comes over again, we finish watching wall-e on the couch.
March 17th: She comes over, we play some games, watch invader zim, have sex, eat.
That's every time we've seen eachother. We've known eachother about 2 months, but have only been seeing eachother for a month. You know?
Anyways, she gave me a call this morning. Asked me if I'd go with her to a portfolio review thing this saturday. Apologized for not calling me, and basically told me that sometimes she goes on bouts of ignoring her phone for days on end. To the point that friends/parents have gotten so worried before that they thought she's dead. This time she did it because all her time has been spent working on her portfolio.
And now that I know that it makes sense. It's something I wish she would have told me sooner, that she's kinda flaky with her phone, but now that I know it'll help me not freak out. One of my better friends from home is like that, so I can at least wrap my head around that.
About taking it slow... I don't think she meant physically at all. She wants to take the relationship slow. I don't even know what that means really.
Also, she's been in several long term relationships. I haven't. She's settling into the way she does things in relationships, who she is in a relationship, while I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what role I play. This has caused her to basically lead the pace/tone of the relationship as a whole.
An important part of being in a relationship is figuring out what you want out of relationship. It's important to figure this out for yourself before you try and discuss it with a partner. Some people are in relationships for sex. Some people are in relationships because they want to be close to somebody, anybody. Some people are just magnetically drawn to the other person. Most people usually have a mix of all three. It's important you figure this out, so you can find out what role you want her to play in your life. It's not feasible to try and be together every day if you really only want to be around them twice a week. Similarly, if you're not going to be happy if deep down you want to see her three times a week, but only see her once.
"It takes two to tango" is an accurate assessment. It'll be healthier for both of you if you fulfill both your needs and hers.
It could be that if we saw eachother every day I'd be ecstatic and love it. But it's much more likely that I'd get annoyed with it (at least at this point). This part of my personality has gone untouched for such a long time that I really don't have an identity in a relationship.
All I know is that I like this girl a lot. As far as my goal in relationships, well, it's to find someone who I want to be with in a mutually supportive way. Someone who, even if we get into a fight about something we still want to be with eachother. So basically I think I tend to take relationships seriously. If I don't think the relationship is going anywhere, I'm not the type that will stick around because he NEEDS to be in a relationship. If something comes up with this girl that makes me think we have different life goal, I'd end it.
So your girl is aloof. Of course, you're not marrying her tomorrow, so have fun with it. You might not dig the aloofness, especially as the relationship progresses, but if she's up front about it and you're aware of it, that helps. Just tell her that since she's aloof, your anxiety is kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum there, so you need to make sure to talk about shit before it gets shitty.
We saw eachother both wednesday and thursday last week, and it was great. We talked about my anxiety issues and her distance issues. Good conversation, it really helped me out. I told her about when my anxiety attacks started, that they don't happen often, and about what happened with my friend. She said that wasn't ever going to happen, that she's very upfront about things, but that she understood. She apologized, and then made me do a funny voice. So all in all I hope that that's that as far as this goes. While I don't know or particularly care if she always keeps dates or whatever at least I know I can trust her.
Made plans to goto a portfolio review she heard about as school last saturday, didn't happen because her school is dumb. Made plans to hang out tonight, didn't happen because she's sick. And while before I might have worried that she was just making excuses not to see me or something like that, now I'm just hoping she gets feeling better and being a normal boyfriend about it.
So horray! I'm growing up!
Score! Seriously, do not make light of this, you've just made a mountainous step in your life.
I'd buy you a drink, but alas, its the internet.
I haven't seen her since 4 days before the last time I posted in this thread. Or, to put it another way, we haven't seen each other at all this month. And, well, there's a lot of reasons for that.
First off, she got sick. Which, well, sucks. It sucks because I know she's not feeling good, and there's nothing besides little texts every few days wishing her well that I can do to show I care. Which sucks mainly because, well, when the people I care about get sick... I tend to try to, well, care for them. Do nice things. But I don't want to get too much in her space, so text messages it is. I can't fault her for this. She likes space, wants to take things slow, so me acting like a concerned boyfriend too much is probably... well, not a good idea. And I know this, so it'd be wrong of me to act on my impulses.
Secondly, her mother is pushing her to do nothing but work on school and find a real job so she can move out. Which again sucks. This was the reason for the first bout of non-communication, and I can imagine that now that she should be feeling better, it's the reason for this second one. Which again, I can't fault her for. Living with your parents can be hell. Especially if they're pushing you to stop living with them. So her working on that is important. If nothing else so she can move out and, well, not have her parents controlling her free time.
And thirdly, it's approaching the time of the school year where she's going to be having a lot of final projects. I don't know if this is the case, but I'm pretty sure she was(is?) sick enough where school work fell by the wayside for the past week or so. So she's probably behind a bit and has to work a lot to get back on track.
Which are all good reasons for us not seeing each other recently. All of these things I understand, I'm fine with.
But it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with the fact that I haven't seen her in 11 days and I haven't heard from here since Friday. It's gotten frustrating. I've texted her every few days... mainly to see how she was doing (which, well, I haven't really gotten much details on... just that she has the flu) and to wish her well, but also to try to figure out when to see eachother again. She's responded to all of them...
Besides one on Sunday asking if she'd feel up to coming over Sunday or Monday night.
Which led me to, today, send her my current work schedule, telling her to just get ahold of me when she wanted to hang out again. That it might work better that way than me asking her every few days in texts. And again wishing her well. Which, once again I haven't gotten a response to since I sent it this afternoon.
And I keep trying to tell myself that that's alright. That I'm being mature here, trying to do things her way. But, well, it's not fine. I really like her, and I am trying to respect her boundaries. Her issues. She's important to me. But the way she deals with me when we're not around each other makes me think I'm not important to her. That she doesn't respect my issues.
I know it's not a case of her being disinterested. Hell, I doubt she's even doing it on purpose. She might not even realize she's doing it (apparently she can go days without her phone on/on her). She's sidetracked. But it hurts. And that's beginning to be the theme of this relationship. We have fun with each other, and when we're not with each other she gets stuff done, ignores me, and I feel hurt.
I'm not really looking for much advice here. I know there's two things I can do. I can either be patient and see how this goes or end it. The former is what I'm going to do... but if this doesn't get better soon I'm going to have to go with the latter.
In the meantime continue doing your own thing/ don't be afraid to look for something better. There's no reason to be dramatic and do something to end it. Many people have no problem letting things disappear through neglect, and this sort of thing isn't worth your energy.
This doesn't seem like what you are looking for. You are so hung up about being in a relationship that you are forgetting that maybe this relationship just isn't for you. Who knows, maybe 3 months down the line she might warm up to you a lot more and treat you as a boyfriend rather than just a "friend". Obviously she is more of a priority to you than you are a priority of hers.
Start dating around, but don't burn any bridges. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you kept it not exclusive.
I keep thinking this, and then I think that a lot of this stuff may just be circumstantial. She told me a while back that whenever we started talking on OKCupid she wasn't looking for anything like this. Just new friends. That she was wanting to hold off on finding someone until after school. And, well, what I gather from that is that I've come along at a bad time for her to be in a relationship, but that she likes me enough to try. And, well, I like her enough to go through this if it's temporary. She's only in school for another 6-7 weeks at most. If things will get better after that, well, I can wait for that.
All I'm trying to do here is get a good grasp on what I'm doing and what she's doing. A good example of that is... after my anxiety attack, where I freaked out... she did make time for me. More time than she actually has. Lied to her parents, came over two days in a row. Her life is complicated right now, mine isn't. I can't let the fact that she has tried to make time for something she specifically wasn't looking for go unapriciated.
My main issue right now isn't wanting to end this. I don't. I don't want to find something better. I just want to see if this can get better. I'm not the type of guy who does unexclusive dating (well, dating I would, but we're not dating. We're seeing eachother). So if the time comes when I think there's no other choice, I'll stop seeing her. But I'm not going to look around for something better unless that time comes.
Look. I know you may like this girl, but there are other people you can be dating. Trust me, there is always a better match out there for you. Notice how I said "don't burn any bridges" instead of "dump this girl ASAP". Yeah, she is a great girl and she MIGHT come through, but good god man.. date around.
Blah... BLAH I say! I'm not going to go out on dates with other girls while I'm still going out with her damnit. This is a somewhat serious relationship. So yeah, if I decide that this isn't working out right now, I'll let her know. And I won't burn any bridges. And I will date around. But I don't think it's time for that yet.
I know that if I am interested in someone I am eager to contact them and I couldn't be too sick to flick off a text message at least daily, even if that means that I have to wake up at some ungodly hour to do it. Part of discovering someone early on in a relationship is finding your feet and setting the ground rules. Personally I wouldn't want to (nor would I) have sex with someone in a relationship context, if they couldn't send me a text message or call me. Those are my rules and you have to decide what yours are.
Now, I'd say based on the assumptions that I've made above, it's probably not unreasonable that you have significant anxiety about the relationship (I know that I would).
So what do you do? You need to talk to her about it in a non confrontive way and in an environment where she doesn't feel pressured.
If you are reluctant to have a serious talk at this stage in the relationship you could always just bring it up in casual conversation by saying "You know, I really like when we keep in contact, it makes me feel good to know what you are doing, and knowing that if I ever needed to talk to you that you'd be there"...
I don't know, I'm not a guy and I don't know what guys say :P
We take turns in who is the most anxious that week. The point I'm trying to make is that, through all of it, through all the arguments and pointless conversation that our anxieties have caused we've powered through, and I really think we're stronger for it.
It's not easy to share absolutly everything with somebody, you begin to resent them at first, but soon realise how much the person is actually doing for you.
Believe me it's better to talk about it, put it all out there and be truthful, otherwise she doesnt know the real you. And if she sticks through pointless conversations and arguments then she's a keeper :P
You may even find she has similar issues, you never know 'til you ask
Honestly, I think this not something to be shrugged off. I do this a lot too, ignore my phone or forget to call my mom or friends back for days, but it is a totally different story when it's someone I'm interested in/involved with romantically. "Oh sorry I didn't check my phone" is something I say to people I didn't actually worry that much about talking to. Her going for days or weeks without even texting you? That is super lame. It's one thing for her to be too busy with school/work or being sick to hang out with you, but it takes like thirty seconds to send a "sorry, work, can't hang out" or "hi xoxo" text to someone you supposedly care about.
What someone said earlier in the thread about finding someone with the same communication style re: frequency is probably a good idea here. You may care about her and there may be awesome things about her, but if you're thinking about long term.... Will you really be happy like this? Always having to push aside your feelings of being hurt by her just not getting in touch with you ever?
I have to say I totally understand the frustration of being called or acting clingy when you don't usually consider yourself a clingy person. I got that from my last relationship, and I'd never been like that in relationships before... It is something that can be amplified by the other person's behavior. They act distant, you get more worried and desperate for their attention, they get put off by how "clingy" you are acting, you worry even more, cycle continues... It's shitty but maybe that is just what happens when you get involved with someone who doesn't share your basic sense of how much communication to expect.
I'm just saying, generally when I've seen/heard "well, I've called/texted her 'x' times and she hasn't gotten back to me but, y'know, it's been a busy few weeks/month", that very often led to "turns out she was not interested" for one reason or another.
At the end of the day, you really should be with someone who reciprocates your attention and feelings. One-sided situations like the one you're in often lead to a lot of built up resentment and that rarely ends well.
If she has a problem with you seeing other people at the same time as her then there's going to be a choice that the two of you are going to need to make, either break it off for now under mutually agreeable conditions. Once she's in a place where she can give you the time and consideration that you deserve then you can date again.
The other option is for you to deal with her aloofness but it's not what I recommend for a number of reasons. It already sounds like she's the one controlling the relationship; seeing you when she wants to, advancing things to sex when she wants to, talking to you when she wants to. Relationships take effort on both ends and it sounds like you're the one doing all the work. While the effort doesn't have to be difficult if things are in balance, it sounds like it is in this case.
At the end of the day you're going to have to ask yourself if this is what you want from your relationships. I think if you start talking to and seeing other women you'll eventually find a relationship that's harmonious. Are you in a location with a decent number of single women? If anything I'd recommend you at least start talking to other girls, you don't even have to pursue a relationship with them, but you might find somebody that you like and treats you in a manner that you deserve.
Then one date we were having a conversation and she mentioned that she hadn't seen a single person outside of school in weeks aside from me - things were way too busy for her to maintain a normal social life, and likely would remain so until she was done final exams for the school semester. I realized, then, that I was completely off-base - she was putting as much effort into the relationship as I was, perhaps even more. I've seen friends almost every weekend for the past three months, since I work and don't really have much to do outside of school. She's been forgoing seeing people she's known for years, her best friends, just so she could spend time with me.
I'm not saying that this is the case with you - but you need to put things in perspective. If she's sort of ignoring you, then how does she treat her other friends? What -is- true is that if you don't think you can get past these issues, then you need to think long and hard about what you want in a relationship. But I wouldn't say it's necessarily anything wrong with her, just that you might be incompatible in regards to how often you see or talk to each other. If you think you can get over these issues, great. If not, though, you need to break it off before you drive yourself insane, because I can guarantee that any time she gets busy it's going to be the exact same thing.
These are the things that someone in a relationship(at the least, ought to apply to someone you've briefly dated as well) should do:
-Think about you proactively, with at least some regularity
-Want to talk to you, though admittedly some people really do this best in person
-Want to ask you out to dates/do things. Though on this point, don't jump to conclusions, because you may be initiating dates often enough to fill much of her free time.
-Never say that they missed calls for a couple of days, because unlike with some friends, they should be thinking about you out of context of previously scheduled events or previous calls.
Edit: And I do realize that she needed her space, but needing her space should not translate into not treating you respectfully and giving you a call to let you know what's up.
I'm an insecure person. And that effects the way I perceive things and, of course, the way I explain things to people when I'm trying to get help. I tend to forget to look at things from an outside perspective when I'm feeling hurt, and there's a lot of things I haven't explained very well.
First off, we do see each other more than once a week. About every 5 days or so, depending on how our schedules mesh. Looking back on it, she has pretty much spent every free moment that she has over here with me, besides in the last 2 weeks. She has 2 days of the week where she can usually do things... thursday and sunday. I work every sunday, and up till 3 weeks ago thursday was a crapshoot for me. Besides the last 2 weeks, every thursday I've had off she's come over. Since Feb 19th. Then add in a few extra days, and well, it averages out to about once every 5 days. So to act like she hasn't been trying to make time for this, well, that's wrong. I've been misrepresenting that.
Second, she does text me back. Usually within a few hours. Only twice have I had to wait more than 3-4 hours for her to get back to me. Once the first time I freaked out, and once this time.
Third, I haven't been doing all the legwork here. Most of the time when we see eachother we figure out when we were going to see eachother next. Then, when it's a few hours before she's suppose to show up I text or call her to make sure we're still on (tell me that's not me being insecure). I started freaking out when she, well, didn't come over once after we did that. Which, of course, was when her mom started pressuring her about the portfolio review. Which was the start of me being freaked out, anxious, and not ok with what was going on. Here's how that breaks down.
March 17th: She comes over, we hang out, makes plans for her to come by for an hour or two on the 19th
March 18th: Her mom starts getting on her about the portfolio review, says she's not allowed to go out until it's done
March 19th: I don't hear from her, I try getting ahold of her, she doesn't respond. I freak out. Later at night she texts, apologizes.
March 22nd: I text her, asking if she wants to come over that night, no response.
March 23rd: No response still, so I call her, get voicemail. So then I really start freaking out, and send her a text of me freaking out. Later she responds, apologizes, tells me to stop freaking out, that she wasn't going to be free until thursday.
March 24th: she calls and tells me she can come over march 25th too
March 25th: Comes over at 4, stays till 9, as late as her parents will believe she's still at school.
March 26th: Comes over, stays until 12, tells me I should go to the review with her on the 28th, but that if I can't we could still hang out that night (You see, I worked the morning of the review, but she was going to come over that night if I couldn't get it off).
March 28th: I switch hours around to get the morning off, but it means I work until 1am. The review ends up being something neither of us could go to, we don't see eachother.
March 30th: I had asked her the night before if she wanted to come over, but she was out of town (still not sure doing what, but that's besides the point), so she said maybe the next day. She doesn't the next day, she's sick.
And that's the end of us hanging out, which is the end of either of us really knowing what the other one is doing. I haven't called her since I initially freaked out. I switched completely to texts. She never told me that she doesn't want me to call her, just that she doesn't want me to get offended if she doesn't answer and she doesn't mind and would prefer if I don't call every day. I've taken that and ran with it to the point where I just don't even try calling her. I don't like phone conversations, they bore me most of the time, so I don't usually call people. It's not a rule she put in place, it's something I've done on my own. Not to say she wants to talk on the phone. We met on OKCupid. She wanted to skip the step of chatting on AIM or something or talking on the phone and meet in person. She likes talking in person. She likes talking to me.
She's putting up with a lot of bullshit from me here too. It's not just her being aloof that's the problem. A lot of it is me being, well, neurotic and insecure. Hell, just the fact that I have been keeping a Trish the Dish type calender of when we've seen eachother and what we've done is kinda a sign that I'm taking this waay too seriously.
I need to, once again, relax and get a better grasp on what's going on here. A 3 week stretch of fucked up circumstances doesn't exactly equal her not being interested in me or not wanting to see me. If things get back to the way they were for most of March, then I'll be fine. I'll be getting what I want out of this. Which at this point is to get to know her better, to do fun with her, and, well, to cuddle with her.
One thing that I forgot to mention... she's been pushing me to work on my art again. She's trying to get me to move forward with life. She supports me on stuff, and has made me feel like working towards going back to school. It's not a onesided support that I'm giving her. She is supporting me as well.
Don't worry and freak out or hold it against her for now if it seems like your relationship is on the back burner. She has been working for her degree for at least 4 years...you came along a month ago. That's not to put down your relationship, but it is to say if you really care about her give her the time til she graduates(it's only about a month or so anyway), and see how things go from there.
From what you say she seems like a nice girl, just under a lot of pressure but still focusing on her degree.
I'm learning things about myself and growing because of this relationship. Sure, it may end up not amounting to anything, but as long as I don't wrap my self worth into the relationship, I should be fine.