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Personal woes *UPDATED* ( Dealing with Trauma )
Posts
Deal with your mom in the morning. Speak to her about what happened, and how you can't let her drinking hurt your relationship with her. I know how hard it is to have someone who can be so caring sometimes do a complete 180 when they start drinking, and how you don't know what to do when you know there is a good person in there but they continue to hurt themselves and you don't know which one is the "real" person.
If possible, speak to your aunt about your mother, and ask if she could help mediate things.
Seriously, stop thinking that way. You seem to keep thinking that your homosexuality is a bad thing. It isn't. It's who you are, there's nothing wrong with that. You've got to stop putting everything in a negative light.
A humanoid robot. Where i could experience all the good things in life that humans do, and just turn off or delete bad things. Erase them from my hard drives.
I would look so cute with antenna too.
Why couldnt i have been a robot?
That's why I initially came in here calling BS because you keep coming from an emotional high, and just dump on yourself more and more and take offense to things that aren't meant to be offensive, just offering a different light on the subject (and it is H/A, you're going to get that). You seem to stay on this emotional perch where you never come down from, and it's eating you up and it shows in your posts. Just stop thinking everything in a bad light, or think people are trying to get you, take some deep breaths, and just make a commitment to yourself to look on the bright side. Just try it tomorrow, to give things a second thought and commit to changing the things that make you unhappy. And stop drinking.
I normally wouldn't suggest this, but you're going to professional therapy and you keep talking about suicide. I think you should check yourself in to a mental institution. You are seriously unwell. It is not normal to go on and on and on about how much your life fucking sucks. You know what? Life does suck. Everyone else just deals with the suck.
Stop having a pity party and do something constructive. If you really have as many problems as you've detailed in the thread, I'm wondering how you even function in society. You know what, people don't want to hear about how much of a shitbag you are, it isn't endearing and it isn't fun to be around. It's also very unhealthy to think like that, and unless you change how you're living you're going to end up trying to commit suicide again.
This is going to be my last post in this thread. I can't help you, I'm on the internet. You're going to have to help yourself.
a man with the issues that he has....checking himself into a mental institution in west texas....
i shudder at the thought.
I will say this.. STOP looking for an online solution. if you do not have the means to travel, you need to find someone who can physically walk into your house and affect your living situation in a tangible way. or a friend or relative that can help you relocate... sexual persecution is no different from racial persecution.
She brought me Golden Grahms and toast.
She apologized... quite a bit. We hugged.
She even bought me a new bunny.
Its not okay that she shoved me and hurt me. But i think i can overlook it.
I havent had golden grahms in a long time. Im technically not supposed to eat them, with the diabetes. But one bowl wont hurt.
Dave emailed me. Saying he was stressed at work. He asked me how i was. I pointed him to this thread.
I talked to an old college friend who graduated ahead of me, last night. She is doing progressive therapy with people with deblitating depression. I remember when she used to play therapist with me up in her dorm. It helped a lot. That was a good memory.
I guess what im trying to say is, its not like im alone in this world. And im not the only one with problems.
Realizing that is a good thing.
That said its still a hard pill to swallow, that something should happen like this, this catastrophe of events. But if there is anything ive learned how to do and do well, its swallow pills ( Snare Snare Cymbol ).
For reference, again, I live in San Angelo, Tx for those of you who have asked.
I have talked to my mom, about the possibility of going to UT at Austin. I could get student loans if i had to, in order to survive. Although i never took up my Aunt Leah's offer to pay for college . If it still stands i may have room and board and tuitition. As much as i do love my Aunt.. i dont like her.. and i dont want to be in debt to her. She already holds it over my head that she has bought me most of my clothes most of my life. But maybe, that doesnt matter if it means a good education. And escaping San Angelo.
As sad as i am about K... i think i can let it go. This isnt the first time he has hated me... and in the past i have hated his guts too. Its just disheartening that he cant let some things go... as much as i cant either.
Chris.. i should have never slept with. Its not smart to sleep with closeted guys. My mistake.
My aunt Susan asked me at the 3 sisters bday party... where i planned to live after college. I asked why? She said... well i dont see you being happy being gay in west texas.
She has some surprising intuition sometimes.
I guess if it really came down to it, i could always get support from my aunts. Leah would be thrilled for me to go to the college she did... ( UT at Austin ). Then again she also keeps trying to get me to be a pharmacist like her too. Which i considered, but i dont like counting.
So i was probably being a littile rediculous when i acted like i was out of options.
Im a lot calmer today. A lot of the nervous tension has sort of bled off. I was on the verge of going into Shannon Behavioral if i couldnt keep it together again.
Anyways. Im calm. Thats good. I should take advantage of it, and wash my hair, shave, so sit out on the patio , and enjoy the day.
Thank you all.
Dave and Robert came over, with a bunny ( people know i love bunnies ) and a cake. They brought their friend Howie. They just met him through Dave's work.
Howie is 23, attractive ( nerd chic with glasses ), effeminate... but very cute.
We played DnD for a bit.
When they left all of them hugged me. And howie made the phone in hand call me gesture. He also left his AIM and Email, with his phone number too.
I have plenty of cake... ( cherries!!! OMG ) and I had some fun with friends for a couple of hours.
Seems like this week is turning out different.
Thats it for me. No more woes.
See you guys on the rest of the boards.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/192302