girl thread! (date etiquette)

AresProphet

This isn't one of those really complicated threads. I've just got a simple question that I think can only be approached with outside help.

How long after someone ends a relationship should you wait before asking them out?

I've had a crush on a friend for a while but she's been involved the whole time I've known her so things between us have never progressed beyond "friends with a bit of flirting". Now I find out that she just broke up with her boyfriend (she initiated the breakup). It seems like going "so you wanna go out?" the same day she tells me this might be a dick move.

I'm not asking "what gives me the best odds of getting a yes?" I'm just trying to not be a dick. She's a good friend and even if it turns out she's not interested that's cool with me.

I'm thinking I'll wait a couple of days, no more than a week. Good idea/bad idea?

VisionOfClarity

How long was this relationship and how badly did things end?

AresProphet

VisionOfClarity wrote: »

How long was this relationship and how badly did things end?

She was with him about two months, not real long. Wasn't a real messy breakup from what little I know, his ex was getting back into the picture and my friend decided she didn't want to deal with that.

But she left her previous boyfriend for this guy, and from what I understand that was not a pleasant breakup. So I'm thinking there might be some residual getting-over that wasn't done the first time. I know that's how I'd feel in her shoes, anyway.

Or I might be totally wrong. That's why I came here.

Vixx

A few days' grace period is about decent, yeah, but I wouldn't overthink it. If for whatever reason she's not ready, she can say so, and she'll keep you in mind as an option when she IS ready.

AresProphet

Vivixenne wrote: »

A few days' grace period is about decent, yeah, but I wouldn't overthink it. If for whatever reason she's not ready, she can say so, and she'll keep you in mind as an option when she IS ready.

Yeah I'm not trying to figure out "OPTIMAL TIME BETWEEN BREAKUP AND ASKOUT IN MILLISECONDS"

Just want to be considerate.

VisionOfClarity

Test the water a bit and see how she's holding up. If she seems to be taking the break-up well then go for it in a couple days.

GrimmyTOA

Yeah, a short relationship like that won't require an extended hiatus. Give her a week or so, and then ask her out.

Teslan26

Give it a week. Start with a nice non-threatenning date. Movie/whatever.

Charles Kinbote

Give it a few days, yeah, but really the length of time isn't as important as not pressuring her. There are some circumstances where bringing it up the next day is appropriate, although this doesn't sound like that. The most important thing is saying "I like you as more than a friend and would like to take things further" instead of "will you go out on a date with me yes/no." It sounds like she let the last guy go pretty easily, so it's unlikely she'll be hung up for too long, but don't expect too much from her right away. The best thing you can do is make your feelings for her clear without pressuring her into anything or making her feel somehow obligated to deal with you before she's entirely over her ex and the break-up.

also I just want to commend you for being one of the most, if not the most, mature and rational girl-threaders I've ever seen on this board

AresProphet

Shankill Butcher wrote: »

also I just want to commend you for being one of the most, if not the most, mature and rational girl-threaders I've ever seen on this board

Stop it, you're making me blush.

This isn't a proper girl thread because I didn't type up a wall of text explaining everything else that makes this particular situation rather complicated. The obvious answer to that is always "tell her and find out" so there's never any point.

I suffer no delusions that this is a sure thing, but I didn't want to sabotage myself by going "SO HAY I HEAR UR SINGLE NOW :winky:" too soon.

I'll text her tomorrow and see if she wants to see a movie this week.

Charles Kinbote

I think the main thing is your relationship with her. If you two have been flirting, if there's been some clear approach to a relationship of both of y'all's parts, if you and she are particularly close, I would err on the side of sooner. If you aren't closer than any other two friends in the group, if you know her well, but not intimately, if you aren't really a confidante of hers or if a romantic thing between the two of you never seemed like an immediate possibility barring the existence of her boyfriend, I would err on the side of later.

Berserkis

AresProphet wrote: »

I'll text her tomorrow and see if she wants to see a movie this week.

:^: Good

i n c u b u s

I think your definately on the right track by giving it about a week or so. I say this because the risk of her not ready is relatively low because of the fact that she did the breaking up which most likely means that she was looking else where prior to the break up anyway. I have to commend you for thinking like a gentleman and considering her feelings at this point.