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Trying to not live with my friend next year.
Chop Logic
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I'm a freshmen in college in NYC. I'm living in the dorms now, but since we all live in the city, most people are looking at getting apartments next year (the dorms are not typical college dorms, there are no parties and no one really talks to each other, and it's crazy expensive).
The problem is, there is a group of kids I hang out with. I hang out with one kid, Mike, more than I hang out with the other four kids (three of these kids are living together next year). We smoke a lot, and probably hangout almost every day. I know he was kind of assuming we'd live together, so I told him that I was thinking about studying abroad next year (in Germany, which I was), so I didn't want to commit to anything. He has since said yes to another kid, Tom, saying he would live with him, but if I said that I wasn't going to be in Germany he would ditch Tom or I could live with Tom and him. Tom is creepy as fuck and no one really likes him.
I don't really want to live with this kid next year. He smokes (weed) all the time and since smoking is kind of what we do when we hangout, as someone who is trying to cut back on smoking, it is really annoying. If I told him I was going to stop smoking he would be wierded out. If there's ever a weekend I don't want to smoke, I have to tell him I don't have any money for it, and even then sometimes he just buys it anyway.
Also, he just likes getting high and drunk way too much, and makes me feel like a stoner (BRO HOW HIGH ARE WE RIGHT NOW). Also, he likes acting really fucked up when he isn't (as in, we will smoke the same amount, I will be high obviously but still functioning, he will be running around yelling like a ten year old) or we will go out drinking and he will just get so fucked up. This is awkward because if we are at a party with other people, I don't want to be acting like an idiot. Also, when he is fucked up, he will say things that he obviously wants to say when he is sober, because he knows that I and the other guys won't say anything because he is supposedly so out of it.
Basically I just don't want to live with this guy. What do I tell him? I am not worried about finding other people to live with. The problem is that if I say something like, "Oh I think I'm moving in with my cousin", I think he will know that I am lying. Should I just do that anyway?
The problem is, there is a group of kids I hang out with. I hang out with one kid, Mike, more than I hang out with the other four kids (three of these kids are living together next year). We smoke a lot, and probably hangout almost every day. I know he was kind of assuming we'd live together, so I told him that I was thinking about studying abroad next year (in Germany, which I was), so I didn't want to commit to anything. He has since said yes to another kid, Tom, saying he would live with him, but if I said that I wasn't going to be in Germany he would ditch Tom or I could live with Tom and him. Tom is creepy as fuck and no one really likes him.
I don't really want to live with this kid next year. He smokes (weed) all the time and since smoking is kind of what we do when we hangout, as someone who is trying to cut back on smoking, it is really annoying. If I told him I was going to stop smoking he would be wierded out. If there's ever a weekend I don't want to smoke, I have to tell him I don't have any money for it, and even then sometimes he just buys it anyway.
Also, he just likes getting high and drunk way too much, and makes me feel like a stoner (BRO HOW HIGH ARE WE RIGHT NOW). Also, he likes acting really fucked up when he isn't (as in, we will smoke the same amount, I will be high obviously but still functioning, he will be running around yelling like a ten year old) or we will go out drinking and he will just get so fucked up. This is awkward because if we are at a party with other people, I don't want to be acting like an idiot. Also, when he is fucked up, he will say things that he obviously wants to say when he is sober, because he knows that I and the other guys won't say anything because he is supposedly so out of it.
Basically I just don't want to live with this guy. What do I tell him? I am not worried about finding other people to live with. The problem is that if I say something like, "Oh I think I'm moving in with my cousin", I think he will know that I am lying. Should I just do that anyway?
Chop Logic on
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I have a friend who I lived with for a year but I would never, ever live with him again. Yet he's still my friend even though he knows very well I don't want to live with him.
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If during conversation with Mike, the topic of living situations comes up, tell him what you're doing. If he wants to know why you're not finding a place with him, tell him you're trying to exert more control over your living situation, specifically w/r/to pot and reducing consumption and focusing on studying or whatever. You gotta make it about you, because if you make it about Mike or Tom or something else, then he'll be all "fuck Tom" or "I can keep a lid on the pot stuff" and then you're faced with either living with him or having an even more uncomfortable conversation in where you say something like "I don't think you're going to change your habits."
Though Mike sounds kinda odd, what happens if you tell him "I have money, I just don't want to smoke"?
Now everyone is asking me if I'm actually studying abroad (in a friendly way, like, hey how is that working out for you?)
So I want to tell the rest of my friends that I'm actually going to be in the country next year, but then they are going to say, "Oh, so you're living with Mike then?"
Basically, unless I lie, I am just going to have to say to Mike, "I don't want to live with you". This isn't like a random kid that thinks he's living with me, I basically hungout with this guy every day first semester.
If I say it is because he smokes a lot he will just get mad. He will say that he can just not do it around me, or that I am being a hypocrite because I have been smoking with him all this time. Trust me.
I know housing in NYC is a bitch but you shouldn't feel pressured to live with these people. You might be better off just to find some random people to move in with, although those can turn out really bad if you end up with some weirdo.
What about saying that you want some 'space' and to try standing on your own feet in living alone? Tell him you like him as a friend, but that you really feel a need to live alone. If he brings up smoking, you could always say it's because you want to smoke less, not that he smokes too much. That way he probably won't get on the defensive as quickly.
Basically it just comes down to me telling someone that wants to live with me that I don't want to live with them.
This sucks. I think what I am going to do is just say that I'm not studying abroad, but that I'll be living with my cousin who is older and going to be in the city next year. This is perfectly plausible and will not hurt his feelings.
I know it is wrong to lie, but my friends would make a bigger deal of this than it needs to be (most of them have asked me multiple times, Why aren't you living with Mike?), so this seems like the easiest option.
Here is the thing, because I just figured it out. This makes me sound like a scumbag, with all the lying. Basically, if I did what you guys are telling me to do, it would be extremely awkward between us and we would not be friends anymore. I still have the whole year to go with seeing this guy and this group of friends every day, and I can't wait until the end of the year to let everyone know what I'm doing next year. The only logical thing to do seems to be to lie about where I am living next year, (My cousin is moving into the city, I'm going to live with him), and then in the Fall just say something else (My cousin decided not to move in, so at the last minute I moved in with someone else). My other friends will not think it's wierd or anything, and I get to keep this guy as a friend, and not hurt anyones feelings.
Maybe?
This is only a good idea if you live in a sitcom. Do not do this. Follow any of the other, better advice you've gotten in this thread.
Figuring out housing draw/apartment hunts with college friends is always a really political process, where people form alliances and exclude one another. It is best to be mindful of your friends' feelings while figuring this out. So your heart is clearly in the right place, but you've executed this a little poorly. Chalk it up to experience but don't feel too guilty about it.
I can see why you are skeptical of OP's comment, Sevorak, because he has written it in a very convoluted way. All OP has to do is say he has something else lined up - either study abroad or living with your cousin - and then in the fall say that it fell through.
It's not an evil lie, and it gives you a nice way to explain you wouldn't get along with these people. I think that's probably the most graceful way to get out of the conversation, as long as you're firm about it and don't actually talk to anyone else in the real world about what you did, because then it will invariably get around and cause hurt feelings and frayed friendships.
The OP's real problem in that because he wasn't up-front in the beginning in a diplomatic way, by saying something like "i'm going to live by myself" or "i don't think we'd get along as roommates." The lie about housing plans is better than the alternative offered by several posters, suggesting that he air all of his grievances to his friend about why the friend be a terrible person to live with, which isn't something a) nice people to do anyone or b) friends do to each other).
Mike is the guy you want to be roommates with, why don't you just go with him? He offered to ditch Tom didn't he?
If Tom is acting like he's 17 and smoking out for the first time, every time you do it, and no one likes the guy anyway, would anyone be surprised if you just admitted you don't want to live with him?
It would be a lot easier to just tell everyone that your study abroad thing isn't happening, but you've decided you don't want to room with Mike. When they ask why, just say it's more comfortable to have someplace to go hang out that's not your apartment rather than being stuck on your own couch all the time.
Not as harsh as "I don't want to live with you" but it gets the message across.
we all have friends that wouldnt be our friends if we had to live with them.
i dont think you specified whether or not you have other friends you do want to move in with.
if you're going to live alone, I don't see how it's a problem to tell him. Even if he protests no one is going to get offended if their friend wants to live alone, and he'll be easy to convince.
but if you're living with other friends (and i'm going to go out on a limb and guess they smoke too) it's a little more complicated coming up with a palatable reason.
Either way he'll come to terms with the fact that you don't want to live with him, especially if you make sure you convey you still value the friendship and don't want things to change.
If he is too immature to get over it, there's nothing you can do and it's his problem. No one is ever obligated to live with someone, unless it's a committed romantic relationship.
My prediction is he'll be bummed/confused for a few days then you'll both move on.
That's not even close to what the situation is.
OP: Since you seem to be dead set on weaseling through this, when would Mike have to sign a lease if he were to room with someone else? You could continue to say you're planning on studying in Germany, and you're just waiting for papers in the mail to take care of everything.. say you were late handing something in, but they said it shouldn't be a problem.
After Mike has signed a lease for next year, tell him you were denied your schooling in Germany because of your late papers. Tell him you were fucked over, you're pissed.. etc. People will be more likely to focus on how shitty that is for you than how you may have been lying about it. By now, Mike is already stuck in a lease, and you can find your own place to live.